help im lost

im lost guys please help I’ve had what is called ROCD for 2 years and 5 months. I’ve been with him for 2 years and 9 months—it’ll be 3 years this April. For a while now, I’ve been feeling worse and worse. I’m becoming meaner, colder, and more distant. I don't feel anything anymore. Absolutely nothing. Everything he does or says annoys me. Before, these thoughts used to destroy me—I used to think they weren’t true, I didn't understand why I had them, and I felt they couldn't be real because he is so good to me, he accepts so much, and he loves me so deeply. But with time, after all this torment, I’ve started to believe these thoughts. Right now, I keep thinking that I should have broken up with him a long time ago. I wonder why I don't do it now—maybe I just can’t because I know I’ll suffer afterwards, because my family loves him, and because he loves me. But me? I feel nothing. I think that maybe I’ll suffer but get over it quickly. I feel absolutely nothing. How can this be ROCD? How could I love him through all of this? I don’t believe it’s possible anymore. I am destroyed. I am not myself anymore. Maybe I never even loved him; maybe I just loved the idea of a "perfect relationship" which, to be fair, we had at the beginning. Maybe the whole time I was denying the thoughts, I was actually just "chasing the idea" of me liking him. I realize that if I keep going like this, he will eventually get fed up. He has endured enough with me—too much, honestly. Maybe all my tears were just a cope to make me believe I have ROCD and that I actually love him, when maybe that’s not the story at all. All I think is that I don’t like him, I feel nothing for him, and this relationship makes no sense. I feel like my tears now are for me, not for him, not for us. I’m crying for myself because I’m suffering and I’m not happy. Is this life? Is this a relationship? The worst part is he doesn’t do anything wrong. He is kind, he respects me, he loves me, he pampers me. And I give nothing back. I’m not who I used to be. Maybe I’ve changed; I’m almost 19, maybe I’ve just matured. When I cry to my mother about these thoughts, she tells me I love him. She reminds me how happy I used to be and how I’d cry when he had to leave (we were long-distance and he moved to my city for university to be with me). But those words and reassurances don’t help because something inside me is screaming that it’s not true and that I should break up with him for both our sakes. I don’t feel longing, I don’t feel affection, I feel indifference. I distract myself just so I don’t have to feel. My head insults and attacks him. He doesn’t deserve this. I think all this time I just couldn’t accept the truth. What kind of relationship is this?