Mantra in head during intimate moments

18+ only I was being intimate with myself as a compulsion after getting worried about my eyeline and seeing a conventionally attractive celebrity and being triggered so I found something safe and ya knowed, I don't feel attraction but feel I have to disprove my intrusive thoughts through doing this, anything from POCD to worries about objectifying women or, usually, a combination of both. My intrusive thoughts/images kept getting worse but I just repeated shut up or go away and went about my business but then kept repeating a mantra basically saying that I wished I was the woman in the video (I'm an asexual man for context) and other similar things like "Use me" (Sorry for being so crass) and commenting on the male performer's body, I ya knowed and now I'm kind of concerned about this, I don't think it's how I really feel, I have no interest in sex or even romantic relationships but I saw someone's post a while ago about them feeling the same about wanting to be a seen as a sex object as a response to trauma and I've not experienced that as far as I know but felt very seen by it and I'm worried I'm perpetrating those things that person experienced by repeating this mantra (Which I think was also just helpful in drowning out the intrusive thoughts and images) maybe I was also trying to test my reaction to it but idk. I'm also worried I was a victim of those things but repressed it or something but idk and my OCD is saying I only think that because it would absolve me of my real events (I know it wouldn't obviously)

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Date posted: Yesterday

I feel you - I’m also on the aroace spectrum, worry about things like this often, and “test” myself. The thing that helped me out is that no thought has bearing on morality. Even if they are “real” thoughts, which they aren’t, they cannot hurt anyone, and remain morally neutral. For example, so long as the people who have those thoughts and impulses non-intrusively (paraphiles) don’t act on them, they are also completely fine because no one has been, or will be, hurt by them. Actions can impact the world, but you’re never going to take those actions related to your thoughts, so you’re completely fine, too. It’s the fact that people have actually done these things that make them monsters, not that they think them, for whatever reason that may be. I 100% understand the urge to want to prove these thoughts false because the thought of being problematic, even internally, feels absolutely horrifying. That said, working with the OCD thoughts in this way only encourages them and their compulsions, and will not help you in the long run. The above logic, which is more acceptance based, will help, even if it feels a bit backwards or scary because of how counter-cultural it is. It’s supported by logic and research, both in that it will help with OCD and in that its facts are all correct. In terms of being a victim: I can’t say what has happened in your life, and I can’t necessarily confirm that you have or haven’t had something happen, but it’s worth looking into. OCD is often co-morbid with other mental health issues and trauma, even if it is repressed, and it’s important to take care of yourself and your mental health in all of its aspects. I hope this helped in any regard, and I’m sending support your way.

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