A New Hope

I'm writing to give outlet about rediscovering hope for the first time in over a decade; reading an OCD self help book has shown me how far the field has come, and finding this community forum has given me the courage to speak about my struggles with OCD again. I look forward to the future and an opportunity to begin ERP and ACT, to finally deal with my OCD properly. It has been a rough road. When I was about 22 (mid-30's now), I had a breakdown. Without knowing I had OCD, I overshared way too much information with anyone who would listen in what I recognize now as reassurance seeking. The content of these unprompted info-dumps was not a huge deal I was told, but the fact I was making such a huge deal of them must mean I was hiding something else. Thus with my reputation in my hometown damaged, I isolated myself homebound. I began abusing marijuana and alcohol and pornography addiction to fill the void of having no social life. At 25, I attempted to go to community college but could not make it through remedial mathematics so I dropped out. My parents got divorced around this time, and I was breaking down again although I was somewhat more social (if there was booze). My dad, who I lived with (and still live with) decided if I would go to therapy that he'd find the money to get me talking with someone. I went, and told my therapist I believed I might be some type of paranoid schizophrenic. She quickly deduced I was in fact OCD, something I had never even considered or researched. Relieved, I began telling her every bad thing I ever thought or did; she told me I was a sex addict with a predatory mind, and my paranoia was from me fearing people could *see* I was predatory. It was a crushing blow that kept me from coming back or trusting therapists again. I'm not sure what is on my medical records due to this, or if it was shared with employers/authorities, but I've always imagined its was. To alleviate these judgements, I began seeking reassurance again with the people I was friends with then, by oversharing information like I had done years prior, still not aware of what reassurance seeking was. Some of those people spread word of what I told them in confidence, and I spiralled into heavier alcoholism. At 27, I lost family members to alcoholism and suicide. I drank myself into the hospital, and then isolated myself for two years while recovering from alcohol induced pancreatits and mourning the loss of half my immediate family. Cue the COVID pandemic; I had another mental breakdown (ending with being charged with assault against officers/ resisting arrest; but I never struck them, knowing not to hurt them even then in my most insane state I've ever experienced,) and consequently went to mental health court and mandated therapy. At this point I trusted nobody, felt I was being watched, often feeling a need to fear for my life due to my reputation. I'd been shown texts about me (meant to be behind my back), and at least one person I worked with flat out said to my face he thought I was a p*. My appointed therapist saw me for one session before attempting to diagnose me with schizo-affective disorder. Another in the clinic attempted to convert me to Christianity, gaslighting me by saying the goal of Buddhism (my strongest spiritual/philosophical orientation) was to "get one of the gods of Buddhism to speak to me" and I should go to the nearby Buddhist temple and see if they would talk to me. As you can imagine, I no longer trusted these people and did the bare minimum of compliance to graduate from the mental health court and have my criminal case dismissed. During this court/therapy period, I began a relationship with a lady who meant a lot to me. I was 30-32yo in this timeframe. It was meaningful because she was among the people I info-dumped on in the past, and I'd also treated her extremely poorly before. So poorly that I told my original therapist about it, prompting her to tell me I had a predatory mind (among other reasons). I thought this girl being with me meant she didn't believe I was a horrible person and had forgiven me. But it was impossible for me to open up or trust her (or anyone) at this point. One day she told me she didn't know if she wanted to get married or could trust me to have kids with her. This deepened a schism in an already unhealthy relationship between two maladjusted people. When she had her mental breakdown, I was completing court/therapy and already planning to move, and I broke it off with her instead of bringing her along like we'd talked about. I moved to a new state, isolated myself aside from my family, and attempted no social life until I had a job working with others. I attempted to begin dating a chick I worked with, moved too fast and ruined it, and then began having yet another breakdown. I worried if my reputation had followed me there, if people who misunderstood me and thought the worst of me had called these new employers, etc... I saw potential double meaning in everything everywhere, an uncertainty I've had to live with since early youth. I haven't been employed since, and I live in an RV travelling the country with my retired dad who still supports me. I turn 36 this year. While I enjoy art, writing, reading, hiking/nature and other hobbies when I can, I never dealt with my OCD or trauma so it periodically comes back even stronger, accumulating from prior breakdowns, social failures/isolation, and maladaptive defense/coping mechanisms. I've spent months now worse than I've ever been, and as a last ditch effort I picked up a book on practicing self compassion for OCD. I learned that pure O OCD is subcategorized nowadays, that CBT (deep breathing, etc) rarely works for it, and those with SOCD and POCD can easily be misdiagnosed (like my original therapist did), leading to further harmful self-image. And I learned that ERP and ACT had an 80% success rate. Feeling hopeful, I read more, and came to this website this morning. (Thanks Howie Mandell commercials!) Reading the community posts, especially the supportive responses, was the first time I've ever felt real hope at salvaging my life and mental health. I did not know these subcategories of OCD existed, could be spoken about and treated. My avoidant tendencies have kept me from seeking professional or self-help, and my despair at my life trajectory has only worsened. This discovery is bringing me out of a very fatalistic mindset and giving me hope. I look forward to becoming insured again and being able to see a therapist who specializes in these conditions. I have held on to life this long because I know I'm not a danger to others despite mistakes and maladaptive behaviors, and I'm so thankful I have. I don't know if thanking heaven and earth, gods, or God is enough, so if you've read this far I thank you too, and I hope that my story will provide you with hope for your own situation. Many of the posts I read this morning seemed to be young adults dealing with these issues for the first time, and I wish I had a knowledgable therapist the first time around. Heres to the future, and hope.