Scared of meds not working and it being true?

I have always been scared of meds incase they don’t work and then it means it’s true. I tried meds in the past and was constantly checking how I was feeling and why I wasn’t feeling better and what that meant. I developed an obsession around meds. For example, I read it often take higher doses and a longer amount of time for meds to work on ocd (up to 3 months and over). Anyway, I started on the lowest dose of citalopram and then I worked my way up to 40, but I kept on changing my doses up and down, as I was scared that it wasn’t working and then at least if it wasn’t working I could blame it on being inconsistent with the doses, opposed to it being “true”. I also stopped all together before reaching 3 months as I was scared that if I went to 3 months or beyond and it still wasn’t working then it would mean it’s true, so if it didn’t work I could blame it on not being on them for long enough and also messing with the doses. It became obsessional and I was scared all the time about them not working and it meaning it’s all real. After I stopped a few months later I started on Sertraline (Zoloft) but would not go above 25mg (smallest dose) as I was scared to go higher incase it didn’t work and then I’d run out of excuses and have to accept its true. 25mg didn’t really do anything, maybe reduced anxiety slightly, but the thoughts stayed the same. I wasn’t on it that long, but I was terrified all the time as to why it wasn’t getting better, but was comforted to know I was only on a small dose so could maybe blame that as the reason, opposed to it being true. Forward a year or so, I went back on Sertraline (Zoloft) 25mg a week ago and the thoughts have been worse and I’m obsessing over what this means and it’s making it feel more real and I’m convinced because meds haven’t worked for me, it means it’s all real. My biggest fear was to go on meds and for it all to still feel true and then me having to accept it’s real, as why would they not work? Admittedly, I haven’t taken them correctly, but I have this deep rooted fear that it’s all real/true and meds not working is more “evidence”. I get obsessional about meds and them not working and it meaning it’s “real”. I feel like the exception. Anyone have any advice?