My Personal Psychosis Experience

Hi everyone! My name is Mila, I’m 20 years old, and I was diagnosed with OCD last spring. I’m sharing my story because I went through psychosis from August 2025 to early October 2025, and I cannot shake the guilt off ever since I’ve experienced the episode. Also, I’d love to spread awareness and possibly hear about other experiences. TW: I would also like to warn that this post WILL have mentions of: sexual violence & trauma, paranoia about the government, stalking/following, delusions, contamination, social anxiety, magical thinking OCD, homophobia (not me lol) and my apologies for anything I’ve missed. Starting off strong— On August 1st, I was sexually assaulted in my sleep when I was 16 and with that came with nightmares, phantom touches, flashbacks, depression, truancy, and all of that pizazz. For a while it felt like my pain from my sexual assault was going to be like pi on a scale of 5. Yet throughout pi, it switches from 9 to 2, big to little, and most importantly you don’t know what number would be next. you don’t know if tomorrow’s going to feel/be like a 0 or 8. In short, the pain felt infinite and moderate. Now, I use past tense because I worked so hard to alleviate the pain with therapy, meds, wrong coping mechanisms, being a workaholic, reporting it to the police and eventually, without me knowing, i was convinced that I’ll always be okay. Every year that passes, despite my hard work, the last week of July becomes a hell hole for me. It’s like my body automatically remembers and I’m experiencing how bad it used to be all those years ago. So, in the beginning of my psychosis (first week of August 2025) I was already heavily sleep deprived, drowning in a trauma-heavy brain, and feeling so alone. My psychosis REALLY started when I thought I was being followed by my rapist AND the government on the way to my girlfriend’s house. My rapist? Well, not really because he doesn’t live here anymore. This stemmed from when I parked in his neighborhood with my girlfriend to open up to her more about my sexual trauma. Now, the government…was a stretch…why? Because I accidentally reposted a “pray for Charlie Kirk” post on my insta story😭 it’s funny when I look back at it. But I was subconsciously dying of embarrassment and guilt. And SOMEHOW, I thought the government saw all this left wing media I consumed, spread, my beliefs, and how I protest. Honestly, i’m still so embarrassed talking about this delusion 😣😣 To add on, I specifically thought the white no-numbered licenses plate van and truck was ICE…going after my girlfriends family…AND they’re targeting ME because I’m gay and I live in a red state…….and somehow this isn’t the worse. Moving on, I keep driving convinced I’m going to be kidnapped and my girlfriend’s family will be sent away. I drive past my girlfriend’s house because right now I’m thinking “they’re tracking my location.” Then, I turned off my Apple Maps directions to her house and put airplane mode on my phone because I thought I could get to her house by memory. WRONG! The exit I was going to take was closed so I went about 30 mins past her house into this small town where I “hid” in the back parking lot of a CVS. On my way here, I finally called my girlfriend because I was too scared someone could read our texts. It did not help that it was beating hot that day where my phone would shut off by itself 😅 then, my girlfriend and her grandma went to get me because I was too scared to drive and move. I felt like I was being watched and there were people hiding in greenery and cars. I even thought those big cameras in parking lots were watching me. I was convinced the town I “hid” in was a social experiment and because of what I accidentally posted, the government AND my friends were somehow watching me through the cameras of wherever the hell I was. Then, I was saved and my girlfriend sat in the passenger’s seat while I was following her grandma home. We got to my lovely girlfriend’s home. I fell asleep in her lap as she was trying to convince my parents to not send me to the mental hospital because my parents were going out of the country for a week and a half and to not stress about me, that was their solution. Keep in mind.. my parents are your traditional emotionally absent immigrant family.. not believing in mental health “diseases”… or the fact that I was being followed. I was actually cussed out and accused of being on drugs by my father when I told him I thought I was being followed. So, me not being sent away was a celebratory achievement. Instead, I had a psychiatric appointment with the local office near me. Finally got home. My parents were leaving for vacation the next night so all I did cry and sleep while my girlfriend took care of me. Then, it was time to say goodbye to my parents. I overanalyzed their hand motions and thought my mom was signaling to me that my house was bugged. And that they can hear me. So they left to the airport. My girlfriend, sister, and I all watch Interstellar. I thought it was AI because of the *********SPOILERS************* watch/clock/time/banging on bookshelves scene with Murph and her dad. I thought my dad was telling me to make sure my analog watch was still ticking because the somehow the government changed the times in my home via HACKING the digital clocks, by breaking in, somehow slowing down our grandfather clock with IDK TELEKINESIS?!? Just to make sure i miss that psychiatric appointment so I wouldn’t snitch or because i was supposed to die that day. Yeah 🤯. I also thought that the plane crashing scenes were my friends telling me what happened to my parents just now. A PLANE CRASH. And I was just keeping silent because again, the government can hear and see me and what if this interstellar movie was also controlled BY THEM. So, if I acted normal and sat through that discomfort(literally ERP) then the government would trust me in being stable and not snitching about them. I was straight face gang the entire movie. I didn’t want to show any signs of weakness or fear. Hmm I wonder what that makes me as a person. Somehow throughout this movie I was also convinced that my friends were trying to tell me that my dad was locked up for a verbal death threat about my rapist, my parents broke up, my parents were being sent back to our mother land, my parents blew up in the plane, my dad time traveled, um. just anything in that movie my brain grabbed at and tried to make the worst out of it. Like an evil intrusive magical thinking magnet. But then the movie had a nice ending so that’s how I knew my parents were okay 😃 midway of writing this I am a bit anxious about developing schizophrenia in the future. moving on, My sister and girlfriend accompanied me in this appointment. It was August 14. some background info: this mental health clinic comes from the same company of nursing home I’ve applied at.. and got rejected. and at my appointment, there was a QR code hanging on the doorknob in front of me and I scanned it. Bam! A nice thank-you note from the CEO. and then suddenly my brain convinced me that the government and CEO were working together to take me down because people like me don’t deserve to work in healthcare LIKE HELP IM SOOOOO EMBARRASSED OF THIS DELUSION!!! 90% of my psychosis was fr me projecting and 10% was just me ruminating and having panic attacks. Ok so I meet with the psychiatrist and I literally infodumped on him and told him EVERYTHING that happened. and I was prescribed some Prozac and Propanol likeeee talk about pushing p 😛. but unfortunately, I thought that mental health clinic was out to get me because 1. I had debt from when I was admitted to one of their mental hospital … when I was 15. 2. the CEO note. I believed my phone was hacked and it opened up another URL. 3. this part was in July but I also thought my laptop was hacked and that’s why I couldn’t register for a very very very important exam. I thought the CEO of the testing company knew I enjoyed Mary Jane every now and then. So I believed they’ll use that against me to be blacklisted from every healthcare facility, classes, EVERYTHING. Post-appt: I got my prescription. Felt maybe 0.21% better afterwards. And guess what? This was ALSO apart of my psychosis. I needed to log into my mother and I’s health insurance account in order to pick up my meds. Didn’t know the password, the timezones were VERY different between my mother and I, and given what I was convinced throughout the movie, I did not think she was real either🤣🤣 yeah I was just straight up in another reality. I thought she was AI, government was texting for her, or my other sister who I don’t speak to anymore. I already thought the government was after me. So, I thought if I logged into this UnitedHealthcare account they would see that I’m not the primary THROUGH THE LAPTOP CAMERA and they would ARREST ME for 1. Fraud because I’m not the primary. 2. Medical debt when I was 15. And lowkey during this time, I was convinced my parents were going away and I thought I had to work to support paying RENT LIKE ??? and ALL my medical debt that my parents never paid for. 3. There was also that d4vid scandal and I remember seeing that I didn’t search him up on my Spotify nor google and I thought the police were going to frame me for being the buffalo bayou murderer and that he was my inspo. So I thought through the smallest ways, like logging into an account that’s not yours, that would be enough to create some lead on me. The entire time my parents were gone, I never picked up my meds. I was just wholeheartedly believing that my house was bugged and there was a camera in my fan. I acted as if I was performing. I acted less on my political beliefs. I was always guarded and scared to show affection to my girlfriend. Even when I’d change, I’d do it in my closet. When my girlfriend would change, I would cover the fan because I thought there was a camera in there. Academic wise, I failed and dropped my classes that fall 2025 semester. I was too scared to drive because the software could easily be hacked in my car. To go to campus because I see too many people I know there and everyone thought I was some school shooter because my panic attacks have been popular (thought I was being watched + social anxiety combo). This even led me to giving away the airsoft gun my father gave me after he heard about my sexual assault(talk about parenting haha I was 17). I failed badly because I believed some of my assignments were TARGETING me. With questions centering sexual assault, FANS, and my parents jobs. thought the gardener at campus was an undercover cop watching me. That semester, the last time I went to class from not going in WEEKS, I had a panic attack in the veterans area because I thought any one of them would understand my PTSD and anxiety. Throughout the time I was in school, I wouldn’t go to class physically but I would work from home and thankfully, my professors accommodated. Although, when my sister and girlfriend would try to get my courage up by making me drive to pick up my nephews or going to the library to work an assignment. I couldn’t get out. it just felt like I was being constantly tested, watched, and bullied. I mean I thought the cops also tried to frame me for having weed or being some drug dealer simply because there were leaves under my chair. I fell and scraped my knee, lost some blood, and cried because someone is going to collect my blood and frame me. Thought my Spotify was getting hacked. Thought people could see what’s on my laptop screen and how I didn’t read my microeconomics textbook that clearly so now my neighbors think I’m just some sociopathic manipulative manic psycho because by not reading that book, it would mean I wasn’t that educated about social class. Things so small yet my brain connects it to losing my life. In short, I didn’t go to class & I didn’t open my laptop because it was hacked but what I did do was… 🥁🥁 CLEAN!!!!!!! Yup I was just cleaning. doing dishes, laundry, rearranging my room, using my hands to get every crumb out of the carpet, bathroom cleaning, showering too much, and eating too little. Well it hits the first week of September and my parents are back. I did not think they left America. I thought they were watching me the entire time and knew about my psychosis. I also thought my girlfriend knew about the mics and cameras until she snapped me out of it and asked who was listening to us. My girlfriend helped a lot. Offering to break down THE fan. Slept and kept me company. Watched me sleep because Zia couldn’t be the one who sleeps second. Fed me and convinced me to a few assignments and drives. Moving on, im getting a little thankful. My mother logged into the UHC account for me. I picked up my meds all by myself. IN THE RAIN. OH! I also thought the government controlled the weather so every time I said something wrong it would rain. Vice versa with sun. So me driving in the rain was a HUGE accomplishment. I start taking the meds, melatonin, vitamins, AND I ordered a weighted blanket. I went on walks and runs. Yes, I still thought the police were still watching me and I did have a public panic attack near a lake. I still thought a few things were hacked like my phone and TV. Still couldn’t drive that much until my sister tricked me into basically driving where my girlfriend lives!!! So that made me feel a lot more confident. I felt like a baby bird relearning its environment. I did wake up with immediate panic attacks in the morning but I also got a job as a barista. Something small but it helped me get over this delusion that everyone was after me. I started to also talk to my cousins again. Although, Ive gotten distant with my friends. I’ve said too much. I asked if my phone was hacked and if there was a recording of me going around. I told them about the day I parked in his neighborhood with my girlfriend. and I was convinced they thought I was pregnant and I lied about being sexually assaulted this entire time. So ever since, I’ve lost that feeling of being able to go to my friends. We grew apart and they have no about my psychosis era. With medication, improved grounding techniques, and finally opening up about my delusions to my girlfriend, I WASN’T back to normal. but stable enough to work part-time and drive to her. Because at the time, I thought she was in it too. That she knew ICE was after her and her family. Crazy right? Now, I’ve been going out. Driving everywhere. Working full time as I relearn the materials to take my very very very important test. I’m also retaking the classes I’ve dropped this summer & fall! I think I just needed to see all of it written down because after my psychosis was over, I would just cry. I still feel so bad for me. I feel embarrassed for being a year late on my timeline. For the things I said to others. For how I acted. How unstable and SCARED I was. My girlfriend even said it felt like I was possessed. Before this, my biggest fear was being sexually assaulted. Getting robbed of my body, being dehumanized, and watching myself from third person. But now, losing myself is my biggest fear. I’m glad it is because it means I am beyond worth losing. thanks