I had my usual moment where I see a child and immediately try my hardest to look away and not have any thoughts. But for some reason the urges to look and act on horrible thoughts are really strong, like abnormally so? It's really weird and worrying me a lot. It's normally not this bad. It genuinely does just feel like my real desires at the moment.
It almost feels like my "normal" attractions and POCD things are merging in a way. My brain is kinda like "Well why can't you just like everything?" Well I can think of at least 157 different reasons.
People say we know ourselves better than anyone, but when that becomes blurred it can be terrifying, if we dont know then who will? Its hard to live with uncertainty and this seemingly endless loop of “oh my god what if im …” and the constant search our brain is on for “evidence” to back it up. Even when we cant find any solid evidence or are able to dispute it, our mind will try to create new “evidence” in its own silly way, its hard to catch a break The fact its bothering you this much to the point your spending most of your time in a state of paranoia and this commonly seen cycle of confessing and mental punishment is a sign you dont want to be that, a main part of you is rejecting it as shown subconsciously through your repetitive behaviours and mental wellbeing, because it just doesnt align with who you really are and what you really want, even if your thoughts are trying to tell you a different story Tell yourself you will figure it out in the future, dont punish yourself until you have that answer because what if it turns out you were just a guy struggling with ocd this whole time, you will eventually figure it out but not right now, give yourself a breather and do a nice activity like watching a movie. As for your worries of acting on bad thoughts, you know whats morally right and wrong, abide by what you know rather than what you question. Its very unlikely you’d actually go through with that, whats being played out in your head is very different to real life I hope you can get some rest in the meantime
I'm so sorry you're going through that. I'm sure it's a tough time for you. If I can explain: Ocd urges feel stronger the more we do compulsions. I noticed you said that you try to look away (an avoidance compulsion) and you try not to have these thoughts (a thought suppression compulsion). If you're doing any ruminating (trying to figure things out)- that ramps up Ocd too. I know it may feel incredibly wrong but in ERP treatment, we do the opposite of what our ocd wants us to do. So we would purposefully look at a picture of a child as an exposure or we write down our intrusive thought over and over (all while resisting compulsions) until we become bored with that exposure. Also here is a fun fact: If I tell you "don't think of a pink elephant"- you're going to think of a pink elephant. We cannot control our thoughts and we also shouldn't have to because our intrusive thoughts have no reflection on our real values. Your Ocd symptoms are not your fault and you deserve self-compassion. If Ocd didnt feel real, it wouldnt distress anyone. And if it was your real value to do harm, you wouldnt feel distressed about it and you wouldn't be seeking help on this platform. But you are in great hands here and NOCD will happily help you with ERP therapy. Much love <3
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