Advice

Little background. I’ve been in a relationship for a couple years and one that definitely has been hard. There’s times when my partner would separate for a short amount of time due to his drinking. Last week I thought we were in one of those times when I didn’t see him all weekend and we barley had any contact. During this time one night I masterbated to a picture of an ex. Now that we talked things through I feel so guilty of this. Because in his mind idk how true, he pretty much we’re still together. Yeah the guilt sucks and I’m not trying to fall into rumination. Now I’m seriously debating of bringing this up to him. Although throughout the years he’s done way worse so a part of me says this is nothing to worry out but all those what if thoughts come to mind. Any advice?

Dagan

Date posted: Yesterday

In my opinion you did nothing wrong. Emotions do not stop because one is in a relationship and having a wet dream about an ex, or anyone you've been attracted to is part of being human. If you had been intimate with your ex then I would say to have a conversation.

K01

Date posted: Yesterday

@Dagan Yes no doubt if it was, I definitely would bring it to him. But in my mind this is just as bad as cheating and I guess the guilt of of things going good right now makes me think I’m not loyal

Dagan

Date posted: Yesterday

I think you are being to hard on yourself. You wrote that he drinks and that can really hurt a relationship to. If it were me I would want to have a conversation to discuss where your partners at with you and where the relationships heading. You obviously really care about your partner to be thinking in this way. It's good to find out what your partners thoughts are, meaning are they committed to you, like you're committed to then?

K01

Date posted: Yesterday

@Dagan My hope is to have that convo too. Thank you for your advice. 🫶🏼

Dagan

Date posted: 18h

@K01 You're welcome.

ezzieorsomet...

Date posted: 6h

Granted always be aware my advice is coming from someone who isn't monogamous, has never been monogamous, and am looking at monogamy from the outside. However I've been with my long-term partner for nearly 20 years and know a thing or two about long term commitment. But yeah, this sounds like a miscommunication. If you were on a break/seperated/broken up, sounds like you were in a different mindset. (Rebounding and feeling emotional turmoil) When a relationship is unstable like this, it makes sense for you to think of any ex or look back when maybe things were better (in rose coloured retrospect) On and off again makes everything way more complicated. I personally don't view this as cheating. You didn't go actually sleep with an ex. You just had thoughts and were alone with yourself. However, It's very normal to feel shame around longing or esp around masturbation. I agree with Dagan. It sounds like you guys are on really nebulous terms (you're thinking one thing; he's thinking the other.) That means. there's communication that needs to be done. As far as bringing this up? I don't really know if it's super necessary. Especially since i think confessing is more a relief for your guilt than something that really needs to be confessed. That is just my opinion though. The most important thing in any relationship though is clear communication. And the fact you are never really sure where you stand with him is the biggest issue.

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