Someone help me pls

I have tlly bad OCD but it got out of hand and I don't think it was ocd anymore My mind went outa hand the past few days and I just wanna cry I’ve cried 2 times already but I feel like I don’t even deserve to be upset. It started w old ocd spiral them then it flipped to another then it became “you wanna impress guys on ur vacation. And u want em coming up to you” then it got worse and more true feeling then yesterday i saw a cute guy and was covering my self up but i had thoughts that bc I never see him again I’ll miss him (which used to happen when I was single) bc I missed out or smth and it was just so awful yesterday til I had some epiphany that I love my bf so much bc he’s my soul mate and my best friend and I’m now very numb and upset and feeling so terrible and undeserving and he knows I was spiraling but he always assumes I don’t love him but that was smth that felt like it was up for debate when it shouldn’t be and today’s our 2 years and I’m just such a mess I feel awful And I am so afraid this wasn't an ocdspirql and I actually wanted it and I can't take that bc he's my everything and I'm supposed to love him Not rlly anyone I told him I spiraled but he gets upset bc he thinks I don't love him anymore but I do ik I do😖but I got so confused and I'm so terrible and then I can't talk to my therapist bc she isn't available on weekends PLS SOMEONE HELP ME THIS IS SO AWFUL I FEEL TERIIBLE BC I DO LOVE HIM I RLLY DO

elenavocado

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2d

I'm sorry you're in so much pain right now. I've been there - it feels so real and painful. It feels impossible not to think about it, because the obsession causes real pain and fear. Try to focus on what you have said yourself - you love him so much. You know you do. That is all that matters. Maybe you found someone else attractive, maybe you didn't. But even if you did, it doesn't matter, because you love your boyfriend. P.S.: Couples with and without OCD find others attractive sometimes, and that's okay! It's natural and normal and *it doesn't have to mean anything if you don't want it to mean something.* I'm sending you good wishes and hugs, from another person with relationship OCD who knows the struggle.

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

@elenavocado I knew I was allowed to find others attractive it just when I had an intrusive thought ab wanting guys coming up to me and liking me on vaca i kept figuring it out til it got to a point where it felt like I wanted it and then it eventually felt like I was looking for someone better than my partner or smth bc he isn’t enough. But he’s everything. No one is better than him and it hurts that it feels this bad and did. Trying for it feels like I’m lying to myself, but I’m doing it anyway because deep down I know I love my bf.

elenavocado

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: Yesterday

@Anonymous I understand the feeling. I wish you the best of luck on your journey, you can get through this 🍀

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

@elenavocado Thank you😞tryna fake it til im back

Anonymous

Date posted: 19h

@elenavocado I am doing better now knowing not to trust my brain in anyway unless it aligned w who I am, but my bf asked if I thought I didn’t like him and I felt awful. Bc I love him and those thoughts and feelings the other day were the worst bc it felt like it wasn’t ocd but looking back it’s so ocd coded. So I feel awful and undeserving of him for acting the way I did towards the thoughts when I could’ve stayed confident in my love for him. Bc I sadly wasn’t that other day

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