Need for the advice

Thank you so much for such a kind and thoughtful reply. 🥹❤️ It honestly means a lot to me. From what I've learned, I think he mainly struggles with contamination OCD and a lot of mental obsessions and compulsios (thinking about a past event, trying to make sure he did okay), although I don't want to label it with complete certainty because everyone's experience is different. One thing I've noticed is that he often struggles a lot with contamination fears, and I sometimes find it difficult to know when I'm being supportive versus accidentally reinforcing the OCD. He avoids lots of things around the house and spends a lot of time washing hands (to the point of bleeding) but I have to say that I'm really proud of him for doing a lot better lately! A lot of effort was put into it 🥹 On the other hand those mental obessions tend to vary a lot from what I can notice but lately it's usually a fear of being disloyal. A situation would be us walking down the street and him just suddenly asking "what if I looked at that girl in a way I didn't want to"? I find those situations very hard to manage... While understanding it's just OCD taking over and putting doubt, I gotta fight my own insecurities, which makes it very difficult to find the right answer to reply. I really try hard to tell myself that his fear means that's completely against his values and what I usually try is to tell him "It's okay, let's not dive into it". I'd love to hear your opinion on this! How could I do better? Thank you again for taking the time to help me. ❤️

@Kvinari As for the contamination OCD, I don’t think there is much you can personally do about it other than respect his boundaries if something is stressful for him because of it, although I am sure you try and do this already 🥰 I am pleased to hear he has been doing better with it lately! As for relationship OCD- you are so right that it is difficult because you are also fighting your own battles and insecurities. This is something me and my boyfriend have dealt with too- but he knows now when to recognise its OCD and comes to me very rarely when he does get an intrusive thought which he feels he needs to voice. It goes the other way too- I try to not confess/ disclose thoughts which I can recognise as OCD. However, one of the cruel things about OCD is that it takes time and practice to be able to put these sort of strategies into place. You are doing all the right things by trying to educate yourself and understanding the disorder truly is the beginning of being able to overcome it. It might just take some time for you two to adjust to it and both notice when it might be OCD at play ❤️ One more thing- I personally struggle a lot with past event OCD, and trying to ascertain if I acted in the right way etc. The most helpful thing for me is having things which draw me into the present such as seeing friends, music, hobbies etc. When he feels overwhelmed by thoughts such as those, a distraction such as a walk or activity might be helpful. It’s not a one size fits all disorder however so it works differently for everyone and different things will work and some will not. If you have any other questions please let me know I would love to try and help in any way I can 🫶

@Kvinari When he asks you what if I look at that girl a certain way, he is looking for reassurance. It does go against his values. Ocd attacks your values. Assurance makes the ocd worse. So you should respond I don't know. Ocd wants 100 percent certainly and is never satisfied. He has to sit with the discomfort of the uncertainty and it will go away. Some people just need ERP therapy and some people need medication too. I need both

@recoveryisneverlinear Thank you so much again! ❤️ Alright I think I understand- The key is to learn to differentiate between what's an OCD thought and what's not, so when an OCD thought pops up, you can recognize it and try to decide not to assign any meaning to it. How can you tell the difference? I wonder if brain could get stuck in "what if it's a real danger this time and I ignore it"... As for the past event OCD, thanks for sharing your advice! I'll recommend it to my boyfriend! 🥰 Other than that we don't have any OCD therapist nearby and he tried going to psychiatrist, that gave him only medication without any therapy... Then he went to a psychologist and I'm sure she had best intentions when she tried with CBT (which worked for some things), but her advice to check the thought and try and convince yourself that the thought is fake just led to a lot and lot of rumination. That's mostly why I started seeking answers online and I'm so glad and blessed there are wonderful people like you here, who are willing to share their experience 🥹❤️ I also wanted to make him a preset... Like a little guide book where I wanted to write some important reminders and quotes so he could maybe check that when in distress. Does that sound like a stupid idea? 🤔 I just wanna do everything that's in my power... The absolutely worst scene for me is not him battling his battle but him being tired after a long day of war. I was really down recently cause sometimes I just can't accept the fact that I can't fight the battle for him, I can only hold his hand while he does it. But now you are giving me so much hope and motivation! And I'm proud of you and of all the people still fighting even tho it's hard 🥹❤️

@Kim27 Alright! That sounds completely valid even tho it seems a little cold. Cause I'm not cold towards him, I'm cold towards OCD. I should talk to him about making a "won't reply to OCD" team haha! Thank you for the advice ❤️ Now the question if it's okay to ask! Can you tell the difference between an OCD thought and a non-OCD thought? How do you do it?

@Kvinari Firstly, telling the difference between OCD thoughts and real thoughts can be very difficult. However, if the thought is centred around something that he deeply cares about; such as you and the relationship, or how he’s behaved towards people in the past, then it’s most likely OCD. If it connects in some way to contamination, then it’s likely an OCD thought. Unfortunately, a big part of the battle is learning to identify when something is OCD and when it isn’t and this can be really difficult, especially when you’re in the thick of it 😕 but that’s why it takes practice and OCD is very treatable when the correct techniques are applied 🫶 there is always hope! Also, I love your insight into what sort of loops you might get stuck in- You are so right that OCD is a ‘doubting disorder’ …even when you identify OCD it still makes you question whether the thought is actually OCD or not 😭 It can be exhausting (there is a subtype of OCD called meta OCD, where people convince themselves its NOT in-fact OCD they are suffering from!!) With regards to therapy- unfortunately it is not very accessible, and I myself have struggled in terms of getting the right type. For OCD, types of therapy such as CBT can actually make it worse since CBT is not really designed for obsessive compulsive behaviour and thinking patterns so I would advise that if he was to get it he should make sure he finds a therapist who is specialised in OCD. The main types of therapy for OCD are ACT (Acceptance Commitment Therapy) and EPR (Exposure Response Prevention). EPR is the most widely used therapy and considered the gold standard for OCD- so further down the line if he wants therapy: look for someone who specialises in this!! I love your idea of a guidebook and it has honestly moved me so much to see how much you care about him and his struggles. It is so difficult to see those who we love so much suffer ❤️🫂 Unfortunately, having OCD is often a personal battle. All you can do is know how best to support him and you are already doing an amazing job of that! If you want help with your guidebook please let me know!

@Kvinari I'm still learning. I'm so used to ocd thoughts. It's hard to distinguish I don't think you can know if it's an ocd thought or real. We can't read minds. He will have to learn to distinguish the difference. I think an ocd thought goes round and round with no solution. My therapist said I'm trying to problem solve my feelings. In a support group I attended it was pointed out problem solving is I'm planning a trip so I need to get hotel room and plane ticket. Ocd may ruminate with what if the hotel has bugs. I would have to say I don't know and sit with the uncertainty. A regular thought just passes through your mind and doesn't build a tent. Ocd affects me in trying to make simple decisions on how to spend my time and what to keep and toss. Packing is really hard. Making decisions about what to bring. I'm a teacher off in the summer. Last summer was a terrible spiral even though we were on a trip to England. Now I'm on my way to Maine for a month with my husband. In the car today for several hours I was ruminating about what if I have an ocd spiral in Maine? What if I'm bored? What will we do? Thinking I need to be home in my environment where I can clean, organize and be familiar. Then I think but home is boring, I get into loops. I don't clean or organize and I'm alone with my thoughts while my husband works. So then I try mental reassurance that home isn't so great and I won't be alone and change of scenery. Then I'm criticizing myself what's wrong with you? You are going on vacation. I think the ERP is "I don't know what's going to happen? It did go away after a couple hours in the car. It does seem cold to not reassure but the reassurance feeds the ocd. Ocd is hell but I hear it's highly treatable. I'm hopeful. For a year I was worried about dying. That has gone away but some time still pops up but doesn't hang out. That's a little window into ocd. Ugh

Oh I didn't know that! Thanks a lot for sharing. I just installed this app earlier to try and find some opinions and answers. My boyfriend doesn't have the app but I'll definitely tell him and we'll look it up Thank you again! ❤️

@Kvinari I think he may need to be a member to access support groups. You can get virtual therapy on here with an ocd specialist that uses Exposure Response Prevention therapy. Other therapists that don't specialize just do talk therapy which doesn't help. I don't know if your boyfriend has insurance. They take many different insurance providers and do assessments to measure results. I think once he's a member you can click on therapy tab at bottom of app and scroll to bottom for support groups. My sister attended the Wednesday support group for friends and family. Since I'm a member, she was able to join with link. Othewise you won't have access. They showed some videos explaining ocd and answered questions. Once he takes assessments on here his therapist can figure out what kind of ocd he has. You can attend therapy session with him. My husband attended with me today. Therapist explained ocd and sent some videos. There are support groups for the person suffering from ocd. Support groups are free and there is a lot each week. Best thing for your bf is for him to book a free 15 minute call on the app. I've been suffering with ocd for over 30 years and was recently diagnosed with ocd. Glad I found this site. He's very lucky to have you. Sorry if I'm overexplaining. It's something I'm working on:)