Feeling defeated

Hi, so it’s been a while since I’ve been here. I got diagnosed with OCD in February, I started therapy with one of therapists on here for about a month and a half. Got too expensive so I couldn’t continue. I’ve tried to do a lot of the heavy lifting without being in therapy. Reached out to my doctor about med change and I’ve been trying to put in the work to accept uncertainty and live my life and just letting it be there. I don’t want to live my life in fear I don’t want to question and fear everything and have my thoughts attack me and battle my brain every single day. I feel like no matter how much hope or faith I have in myself to do all the right things nothing has truly broken the cycle. I know healing isn’t linear, I just don’t want OCD to take the wheel. I’ve finally started to believe in myself, so I started a CNA class. I’ve wanted to be a nurse all my life. I wasn’t diagnosed until a few months ago but it’s always been there, I’ve been on anxiety meds since I was 12. Out of high school I started to go to college for nursing, got a job at a hospital and got scared because I wasn’t prepared. OCD attached to that scary experience, ever since then I’ve been in and out of college for 6 years, just going into more debt trying to figure out what won’t scare me but OCD has latched onto everything I’ve tried. I’ve tried nursing at first, multiple different levels of thinking about teaching, business, hospitality, veterinary. But all I’ve ever wanted was to be a nurse so I’m trying to gain confidence in myself by getting my CNA again (I had it in high school but it expired so I’m redoing it). I am excited about it but today was day 3. Yesterday ,day 2, I started to get little fear spikes. A big trigger for me is quiet. Sitting in a quiet room makes me panic all the thoughts flood in, I get paranoid if they’re all watching me or I said something inappropriate or embarrassing, or did something or said something wrong etc. yesterday was small compared to today. It was quiet in the class and the instructor was just talking. I smelled popcorn being made, but for some reason I thought it smelled like urine. I had been sitting in the chair a while so my bottom was warm and the smell made me start to panic, fear swept over and I started to ask what if I peed myself and that was coming from me and everyone could smell it. I start to scan the room a little and someone kind of glances at me and I think to myself oh no did I? And I started checking myself discreetly. I started kind of adjusting myself, quite sweeping under my legs but it was still warm so I wasn’t sure so I kept checking and checking. I started to get an anxiety/ panic attack. Nobody knew but nothing felt real, felt like a dream, I felt like my vision couldn’t be trusted. I sat panicked quietly for 20 min and I couldn’t take it anymore and I had to stand up quietly, stumbling probably a little weird and went to bathroom to empty myself and check myself but u was still panicked even though everything was fine. Luckily class was over 30 minutes later but it has just made me distraught. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere I can’t do anything right. I was unemployed for 3 months at the end of 2025 because a different OCD theme took over and I don’t want OCD to win. I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Chat GBT is my best friend, I’m on there constantly and I know it’s horrible and doesn’t help if anything makes it worse. But I am constantly checking things and I just feel alone. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want sunshine and rainbows everyday. I just want to feel regulated and content and have structure. I want consistency and stability in my brain and life. I just feel defeated. I want to provide a good life for my husband and me and our future family, and I want a job I’ve always wanted and something I’m proud of and make my husband and family proud. Everybody in my family (excluding my husband) just thinks I’m lazy and job hop because I want to. I don’t. That’s the opposite. I don’t want to give up on myself, I want to work through this and be there for myself and take care of myself (my brain likes to tell me as well, if I do self care and work on myself I’m selfish). Things are better than the end of last year but I cannot go back there. I don’t know what to do, I will continue with my class I’m just scared I’ll have a full fledged panic attack during my skills exam in front of someone. I want to show myself I can do something but I feel that I keep failing myself. I’m flustered, I just wanted to vent and if anyone read all of this. Thank you for reading/ listening