The big debate in my head

So I really don’t know what to do about this. So I’m just writing it down. I in the past, like a year ago used AI for reassurance seeking. And I went through the whole hell of realizing AI is not the place to discuss undiagnosed mental health issues (ocd, but I didn’t know that at the time until I realized and freaked out), realizing I had given an AI very VERY personal conversations for the sake of reassurance which is. Not great. But all that aside even though I’m currently not seeing a therapist, when I was I had worked through the issue enough that any time I feel the urge of reassurance seeking I know it’s time to put the things that tempt me (like texting my friend or ai or anything else on my phone for reassurance) away and just sit and exist with it. Which is fine. I’m actually very proud to say I have not used AI for reassurance seeking in a year. Which is a very big thing for me. However, I had still until recently used ai. And ironically enough me and my therapist I had before actually encouraged me to use ai to do roleplay. Literal. Fantasy. Whatever I want roleplay. And given my themes of ocd it was the most sfw roleplay ever. And i remember i would shake so hard while doing this roleplay lol because even though nothing was wrong with the roleplay my theme of ocd was relentless. But eventually i got through it and i actually really started enjoying the storyline in the roleplay. Here’s where my brain and my ocd both tag team to hate me. O-O I, despite me enjoying roleplay, have had no luck maintaining long term roleplays with people, I have tried everything lol. Roleplays that didn’t continue. DnD groups that always stopped cause everyone got busy halfway through. And so the ai roleplay was a really fun experience for me. Because I actually got to use some creativity to create the roleplay. Problem is. I write. As a hobby. And no I don’t mean I use ai to write. I mean notebook and pen and the frustrated scribbling of a piece of writing sounding weird when I reread it and deciding I hate it actually. I love writing. I do write. And I, personally, don’t think it’s writing if you have an ai write everything for you. But I also know I do art. As a hobby. Because it’s unbelievably fun (currently volunteering at an art gallery which has been so fun getting to do art with people and talking about different art exhibits and local artists to visit) So my brain and my ocd both tag team me so I hate myself Because I have used ai to roleplay. Because I would like to continue to roleplay. Because the art and creative and writing community are very against it. Because ocd communities are very against it. And I don’t know what to do. Because. Morals Orz Because how can I support writers and artists, when I myself am a writer and an artist (in the hobby sense) while actively using ai. For roleplay. For the art aspect of ai. I hate image generation anything in general, so I have never used it. I get nothing out of using it. I have only ever used ai for like text-based roleplay. Which isn’t any better because the writing community also doesn’t really agree with using ai for roleplay either. So the concern on the ocd end of this is: - the morality of my private ai usage given I am a creative - and everyone who has ocd and has ever been on the internets favourite: digital footprints I hate the digital footprint anxiety with a passion. Predominantly because I am a young adult (I don’t want to give my exact age cause…safety lol). And even though my roleplays (different ones from what I did in therapy obviously lol) are usually very more into the story focused. I have had a couple of nsfw scenes in the roleplays. And I have had nsfw roleplays period. And even if I ignored that (which we all know here I can not) there’s the digital footprints of I have used ai. For fun sure but still in a creative sense and what if people find out and what if that ruins my life and also how nsfw were the chats, what dynamics did I explore and will that ruin my life if people discover that, can I publish my own writing without getting cancelled or people finding out, or what if I date or get married in the future and I still enjoy roleplay, I know I’d have a conversation with my partner and would do what’s best for me and the partner but it still ruined the relationship, and all of those fun thoughts.🫩 The thing is I don’t know how much of the issue is ocd vs just in general guilt. Like it’s definitely become a guilty thing I do. I really don’t know if I’m making sense or if I’m just severely overthinking this. And I even less don’t know what to do. Because my hobbies are still there, like I was still actively doing them and getting my degree and working a job and going to therapy even though it’s unfortunately not ocd focused currently (cause I can’t afford it unfortunately and the therapy I’m doing is pretty cheap). By ai ruining the persons life standards I was thinking I was….doing okay?????? For now. I’ve deleted the roleplays and the ai account. And I…..I’m just going to sit with my thoughts. Sorry if everything I wrote sounded scrambled or didn’t make sense. Ummm if you read this, thank you (>OuO)>🌻