OCD and abuse

I won’t go into details, but I was in an abusive relationships. I think the biggest reason why I couldn’t leave is because of my OCD. I struggle with harm and moral scrupulosity subtypes. Whenever my partner did something bad it’s like I had to prove that I’ve never done anything bad or anything to hurt them. Or else I felt like I had no moral ground to stand on. I just kept telling myself “well then you’re just as bad”. And I couldn’t leave until I confirmed that I hadn’t hurt them. I feel so stupid but I honestly believe that OCD trapped me in this situation. And I didn’t confide in anyone for a long time because every day with this person there were too many micro interactions that I was trying to keep track of, so I couldn’t possibly recount all the details to someone. And this is on top of all the other issues I had — OCD with work, etc. I had so many intrusive thoughts that I just couldn’t break free. I don’t know if anyone can relate but this was one of the worst things that OCD has ever done to me. Please get help asap and don’t doubt yourself.

Leonicles

Date posted: 21h

Oh wow, thank you for this comment. I never made the correlation between my OCD & my abusive marriage- but what you wrote sounded like it came straight out of my brain. I escaped with our baby in 2014 to a DV home (he died in 2015). This saved our lives- I called the National DV Hotline & we were in a home *that night*! When he abused me, I too would think that I'm "just as bad," or if I was the "abusive one" (despite never "talking back" & am 4'10," 90ish lbs to his 300lb). I also had a hard time recounting details or would be afraid I was making things up/exaggerating. I would perseverate on all the reasons I was in the wrong & it would get all confused in my head. I do not trust my own head. His own parents helped by telling me he was abusive & to leave. My OCD tells me I'm a terrible person & I contaminate people by being around them. Right now I'm struggling to even leave the house bc I'm afraid I'll hurt people. I haven't had a partner since that marriage bc I don't trust myself & don't want my now 14yo to see me in a bad relationship. I was only just diagnosed with OCD & am starting therapy on Friday. I'm kinda excited to know what the hell is wrong with me & to have an off ramp. In retrospect, I think OCD had a lot to do with staying in an abusive relationship for as long as I did (7yrs). Thank you for sharing. It really helped me. I hope you're doing amazing!

sick&tired

Date posted: 14h

@Leonicles Omg I’m so sorry for all that you’ve endured. It’s absolutely heartbreaking how we convince ourselves that we are the worst even though we’re the ones experiencing abuse. I never understood how dangerous it was until I ended up in a situation like this and I was diagnosed with OCD over a decade ago. I too would minimize the harm and question if I’m exaggerating things. I wish I could go back in time and save myself. It’s such a painful realization. I also called a hotline that helped me to label what I experienced. You’re incredibly brave and strong to stand up for yourself and your child. I’m really proud of you. And I’m glad that you’ve finally received a diagnosis and are getting started with treatment. 🎉 I wish you all the best, keep healing! ❤️‍🩹

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