Can anyone talk

@Theeckmas I really appreciate it. TW - Recently I realized that I was in an abusive relationship and experienced domestic violence. You might think, “how do you not know that?” Well, I minimized it, I focused on the good, and then I didn’t know the labels for what I experienced.. and I only felt comfortable telling one friend who wasn’t able to label it and warn me or assist me in getting out. Anyway, my OCD revolves mostly around the fear of hurting other people. Like I’m more concerned with myself potentially hurting other people than others hurting me. So I was able to put my abuse on the back burner because I continued to have extreme anxiety and OCD about work at the time. So after I was assaulted for the (I think) 3rd time, I unintentionally let it go because I had more overwhelming fears at work to deal with. I just gave in to doing what the abuser wanted for the rest of the relationship. Yes, it went against my values, and they knew that and I brought it up multiple times, but I guess I got defeated after the last assault and convinced myself it was fine. Also the longer I stayed I would still want to leave, but I couldn’t because my OCD would say “are you sure you haven’t EVER hurt him? Maybe you’re just as bad!” Of course OCD kept making me doubt myself and would pull up more incidents for me to evaluate so I never got to the point where I was confident enough to leave. So now aside from feeling disgust, I am mad at myself for ending up in this situation. Had I not had OCD, I really think I could have gotten out. But the fact remains that I very much do have OCD so I stayed. And I gave into doing the thing I was adamantly against. I feel so disgusted with myself. Now I know that freezing up is still assault. But all the times after that in the relationship I was a free and willing participant so to my knowledge that’s no longer assault. I don’t know how to deal with betraying myself and my values for an abuser. And I hate OCD because this is by far the worst thing it has ever done to me.

@Endlessly Pondering Thank you, I replied to the comment above if you have any words of comfort. 🙏🏽

@Anonymous Thank you, I replied to the comment above if you have any words of comfort. 🙏🏽

@sick&tired I deal with all the subtypes you’re going through. I just recently got diagnosed months ago after I left the psych ward but I’ve been having ocd for 3 years and I never told anybody I was forced to still do everything like how I was before. Shade beds, help with everything and it made my ocd worse. It gets better you just have to try, we can both try together. Take care yourself I know what you’re going through

@Anonymous Sorry I don’t know what you mean by “shade beds, help with everything and it made my ocd worse.” Proud of you for getting the support 🙏🏽

@sick&tired Sorry, I meant share beds.

@Anonymous I’m sorry you’ve had a difficult journey with OCD too. Thank you for your encouragement and I wish you much healing, safety, and success. 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽

@sick&tired I wish you well too