Please help

Thank you. But atp I don't even know if it's OCD or not. I've been crying abt it for the past hour 💔 Thank you so much tho

@moon.orion.realm I’m so sorry! I’ve been down that road OCD will lie and say it’s not OCD, then it’s a back and forth fight with your head.

I can't think straight abt this you know...

@moon.orion.realm I’m sorry. I just tried giving some information I learned. I know what that feels like

@ImAQuesadilla I know, I really appreciate you responding anyways

@ImAQuesadilla Like you know, I geniuenly don't want to sound transphobic, cause I'm not, but the only thing in my head is that I don't want it to be true. But my brain tells me that 'the fact that you don't want something to be true doesn't mean it isn't"

@moon.orion.realm I’m trying to compare this to myself because I am actually trans but I’m afraid to make it worse with any statements.

@ImAQuesadilla Okay well...idk if it's worth the risk. But thank you sm

1. That they turn out to be true. That would mean I don't know myself, I've been living a lie and I'm not who I thought I was all my life. 2. There's also fear of something else but I just geniuenly don't know. Maybe it's just fear without a reason

@moon.orion.realm It sounds like you are giving these thoughts meaning, because they feel like a threat to your identity. As scary as they might be, try to go through your day alongside with these thoughts. You don’t have to figure everything out today. No one is forcing you to become anything you don’t identify with. Also, you wouldn’t want to make any decisions while you are feeling anxious. How about wait until the anxiety subsides, and then if you want, you can revisit this question again, when you are feeling better?

@EnglishBreakfast00 It's just that...it's been going on consistently since march. And almost every single time I hear that I don't have to figure this out right now/today. I just want this to end I'm so tired. Idk what's real and what's not. When I look into the mirror I see a stranger and the depersonalisation is killing me

@moon.orion.realm What do you exactly mean by “stranger”? Is it disgust over the appearance? Is it something else?

@EnglishBreakfast00 Not disgust. I just feel detached and I don't feel tuned I'm with my body, it's like I don't know who's looking at me in the mirror. But my brain keeps telling me that "oh! That must mean you have gender dysphoria and you're a man!" So of course it causes me even more distress cause I'm not 100% sure what the reason for this is I think the depersonalisation (as variant of dissociation) might've happened because of the overall discomfort and stress and disturbing thoughts I've been having thought these 5-6 months, but I don't know And the unknown and the uncertainty are the biggest problems here

@moon.orion.realm As you mentioned anxiety can cause depersonalisation. Anxiety can also distort interpretation of the world and ourselves in relation to it. I don’t have any experience with the mentioned theme (or topic for that matter in general), so I couldn’t tell you what you should do. However, I don’t think there is any harm in doing research. I would research body dysmorphia, gender OCD and gender dysphoria. You could learn more from others what it feels like to identify with another gender than one is assigned at birth, what transitioning is like, etc. It doesn’t mean you are actively taking steps to actually transition or whatever. You can just try to research and see how that feels. If that is something you can identify with emotionally or not. Also, highly recommend talking to someone about it. Whether a friend, parent or a therapist.

@EnglishBreakfast00 I did do these things. But I just felt my brain monitoring myself, looking for something in my mind or reaction that could prove/disprove this. And I'm actively going to therapy. My therapist told me that this behaviour of watching gender OCD and gender dysmorphoa/trans ppl videos is an compulsive behaviour so I try not to do that.

@EnglishBreakfast00 I'm sorry if it looks like I'm debunking all of the ideas and advice...I just needed to vent

@moon.orion.realm Yes, doing these things can be a compulsion, given it’s repetitive and done to alleviate anxiety. In theory anything could be a compulsion. Trust your therapist on this. Your therapist has gone through years of training and has experience treating people with OCD. Is there any advice from your therapist, that you’ve found helpful?

@moon.orion.realm Dont worry, I understand. I know how it feels to be in a spiral :)

@EnglishBreakfast00 Yeah, I mean I try not to give in to the compulsions, sit with the discomfort. I even started doing my own micro exposures at home by myself :). And I've been doing good for the past could of days/weeks, but today is just a bad day I think... :(

@moon.orion.realm Well glad you’re doing better. Setbacks are also normal! Try to get some rest - you’re doing a whole days work trying to figure everything out! Perhaps you could watch a movie or go for a walk? Play some games?