Guilt about hiding OCD theme

Not seeking reassurance, just sharing. I was talking to a friend of mine today and a lie I told when I first mentioned my OCD to her got brought up. She knows the focus of my OCD is morality, but I lead her to believe the main focus of it is about fearing I’m racist. While this is a fixation of mine, it is not my most debilitating fear and it’s not what I’m actively being treated for. The theme destroying my life right now is POCD, but I hate telling people that for fear that they’ll assume I am what I fear I could be. I feel a lot of guilt about this, as if hiding it makes it more likely to be true. I also feel compelled to reach back out to her and confess the truth, which I know is a compulsion and I’m trying to resist, but then I spiral thinking am I resisting a compulsion or do I want to hide it because deep down I know it’s true and I don’t want anyone to find out, even myself. I also feel guilty for using a fixation on racism as the stand in for POCD, like that in and of itself is racist and an example of how I’m not taking being antiracist seriously enough. I don’t know why I didn’t just tell her the truth. I’ve told other people I’m close to, and haven’t had a negative reaction. It actually scares me how easily people dismiss the possibility that this isn’t POCD but fear of a latent desire. Like they aren’t looking close enough and if they ever did they would realize that I am the horrible thing. This post has become a bit of a rumination spiral so I’m going to stop it here, but I just wanted to share and maybe see if anyone has struggled with something similar.

anon7336474864

Date posted: Yesterday

i get this. i’ve been struggling with almost the exact same thing and same worries lately, too. i don’t have any super inspiring words or crazy perspective changing things to say, but i think it’s at least worth it to know that you’re not alone. i get the same topics of anxiety that you do and i understand how it feels to be stuck with these subjects. because i’m still pretty young, i can’t really offer some sort of life experience that’ll change everything, but sometimes i need to stop myself to remember that even if the worst happens (like they would find out your ocd themes in full and wouldn’t feel comfortable with it,) you just have to keep moving. your life doesn’t end there, no matter how bad it gets.

Nonny Mouse

Date posted: Yesterday

@anon7336474864 Thanks for the reply, it’s helpful to hear I’m not the only one thinking these things

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

You don't have to tell everyone your fears but I completely understand the feeling to always be completely honest and the guilt that comes when you feel like you aren't meeting that. I've been sharing how I feel about my OCD with friends more recently and I've noticed that even with people that have OCD, because there are so many ways it can manifest and there's so much stigma, even someone that understands the disorder might not fully understand a type of OCD you have. POCD can be really debilitating, distressing, etc., and outside of OCD or even just people that experience it I don't think it's very well understood. So I completely understand being protective of that piece of it. You'll share on your own time. Or you won't. You're not obligated ❤️

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