I was diagnosed today.

Hi, today was my first appointment with an OCD specialist. I don't know how to feel. Part of me feels at peace with it and like everything just clicked and made sense. The other part of me feels as though I've manipulated someone into thinking that I have it and I really don't. I know that's common and I'm trying my best not to seek reassurance for it, as I've realized that's something I do quite frequently. I feel relieved that other people feel the way I do. My new counselor is amazing and everything I had hoped that they would be. I'm hopeful for what's to come of this. Things that they said to me today made me feel so seen and understood to the point where I actually teared up quite a few times. What I'm struggling with now... I don't present OCD in the typical ways you would expect someone to without knowing much about it. I'm thankful that I'm able to read other people's experiences and connect with them in a space where everyone is experiencing similar if not the same thoughts as I am. However, I'm afraid to tell those close to me because I'm afraid that they will think I'm lying. I know that I shouldn't care and that I shouldn't worry about others' opinions, but obviously I've tried to not care and well... here I am. I am not overly cleanly, and I am not someone who makes sure things are completely organized, honestly, I prefer things to be a little bit cluttered. I told my mom a few hours after my appointment and she made me feel guilty in a few ways. The first thing that she said was "Do you think I did this to you?" and I was honest with her and said that I wasn't sure if it was something that was caused by anyone. There were a few things that I shared and said that I have realized I view crying as manipulation now, because when I would cry sometimes when I was younger there were people around me telling me I was doing it to make people feel bad for me. When I experienced suicidal ideation, it would be turned into another form of my "manipulation". I wouldn't say that I feel shame when I cry in front of others and don't typically avoid doing so, but I do tell them often that I'm not trying to be manipulative in doing that. Which I think confuses people because most people don't view it that way. When I told her that I was diagnosed, she said that she would have never expected that from me. I told her that there was no way she could have known. Many of my intrusive thoughts were/are taboo and I only found it easy to tell the counselor because he made it a comfortable space by putting many different subtypes out on the table very early on in the session. She told me she was sad because she thought I shared everything with her. I told her some of the things that lead to me wanting to get checked for it just to make her feel better, because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. It was vulnerable of me and not what I was looking for in that moment. I really just wanted her to know that I have it and not how I knew I had it. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for out of this post, but I guess I just hope it helps someone. It helps me to type it out and get my feelings out there to maybe be heard by someone. If you have advice or need a place to vent in this post OR if you can just relate to what I'm saying, please say something. I don't have anyone in my personal life who understands this and I would love to hear what others have to say! Thank you :)