I have accepted uncertainty. I have the opposite problem. I can’t accept certainty (because I’m aware that nothing is absolutely certain), and feel like there may be underlying causes, intentions, missing information, traumas, hidden interactions, or evidence I’m unaware of that would reshape my answer if I make a conclusion. So I make possibility spaces, and can continually analyze new possibilities that may fit the same problem and I know there may always be a better explanation to fit something. I weigh out the probabilities of possible explanations I form based on any known evidence, then I trace back logic chains across the different possibilities to more possibilities and it opens up and interconnects like a spiderweb. Of course, the further I trace back, the less I know about how accurate these possibilities actually are. But every new interaction becomes something new to analyze and add into the chain. So I struggle to make conclusions on myself or my true underlying intentions because what if there’s some explanation or connection I’m unaware of? I struggle to make conclusions on other people because something caused them to act some way, and something else caused that. Maybe someone was hurt by someone else and reacted angrily toward me because they were afraid of a repeating pattern. And maybe the person that hurt them was also afraid of something else. Or maybe there is another explanation. I don’t make conclusions on anything because it feels wrong to make conclusions without certainty, and certainty doesn’t exist. Nothing is certain. Everyone makes guesses off of assumptions and they try to make it make sense. From physics to religion to morality, everything is built off of assumptions or complex interactions that can be derived further and further. So we model everything as best as possible to make ourselves feel comfortable. Assign meaning to things for the pure purpose of giving it meaning at all. It’s difficult being unable to accept certainty. I’m agnostic because I can’t accept religion based on trust in something I can’t logically trace back. I’m a physicist because I was taught the big bang was the start of the universe, but the idea to trust that everything came from nothing spontaneously with no logical explanation shook me enough to change my path in life to try and build my own model of reality. I don’t get angry with people often because I can imagine 100 possibilities of why they might be doing something, maybe influenced by their beliefs, political views, where they grew up, interactions and experiences they had in their lives, traumas, differences in general mental architecture. I don’t ever think I’m done, everything can be further perfected or corrected. Everything can be made better. People are dynamic, and complicated, and meaning changes if looked at through different lenses. I like analysis. I find myself interested when I think through these things. But the interest keeps me from my responsibilities, and I can’t sleep most nights. I don’t work as much as I need to pass my classes because it distracts me from it, and sometimes I get cognitive overload before I even start a homework problem. It seems like we struggle with something similar and approach it from different angles. Interesting to hear your perspective. Haven’t started therapy yet, just beginning this process. I hope you feel safer in your mind soon and find what you’re looking for.
