One of my goals is: if I can successfully make it through this treatment program, and learn hardcore ERP, I would love to share my story with the IOCDF. That motivates me.

I gotta share this because I think we can all get through this OCD! But you gotta put the work in! The homework therapist gives is to help us, and for me, i think i had a breakthrough. So I am a month into my ERP therapy through here and let me tell you… it sucks most days. What i like about my therapist I got on here is she told me she’s been working in hospital and prison wards, so she’s probably heard and seen some stuff and what I got probably ain’t that bad. I started with CBT but my OCD was getting rough after about a year so now I’m giving ERP a try. I was asked to write a letter to someone that I believed was triggering my OCD and so I did. I went through a whole spiral with my POCD, honestly I feel like a monster. But! I’m also recalling some stuff I have kept suppressed and never wanted to mention in therapy, and I think it’s probably time I process that stuff, no matter how ashamed or guilty I feel. Ultimately, it’s probably what is causing the doubt disorder to overtake me. So for those of you struggling, keep going! And be completely open! I promise you your therapist has heard some stuff and you are probably far from what they have heard.

After 16 years of letting OCD control my life and experiencing how treatment wouldn't help if I still did compulsions before, during, or after exposures I learned my lesson. I went to treatment for 3 years. It helped, but it was not as effective because I didn't fully embrace ERP's principles and didn't fully commit to it. That was my reality until recently. I finally decided to surrender to OCD. I restarted therapy, this time aiming to face this the right way: resisting my urge to fight, resist, neutralize, and any other compulsion to the best of my humanity. I even reduced my workload in preparation for probably needing time off in case OCD got worse. I really expected this to get bad... seriously bad... the biggest fight of my life. To my surprise. I HAVE BEEN KICKING OCD's ass!!!!!!! And I mean I'm kicking it bad!!! ERP (done well) really works!!!!!! I can't believe it. I can finally see a way out of this, and it is through our fears, not around them. So far, my biggest and most important learnings have been: (1) that this is really not about the content of our fear. Regardless of your type of OCD, the best therapists I've learned from always said it, and its true: it's the same disorder (OCD) leading the charge against us. And (2) this is not about proving our brain is lying to us. You may (and most likely will) reach that conclusion anyways. But it's not the goal of ERP. Actually, you learn to live with the possibility of your fears becoming true. Ever since I learned this, I've seen my anxiety levels come and go on their own, without me needing to do anything about it. It leaves on its own, and it comes weaker with as time progresses. I don't have to do anything, just resist compulsions and move on with life. That has been true for every single trigger I've had and every unique and creative "what if" my brain has created to lure me into the rabbit hole. I'm defeating triggers I developed as far back as 15 years ago!!!! And you know what? I'VE ONLY GROWN STRONGER! Never in my existence with OCD have I felt this hopeful, strong, and courageous. Never have I been more proud of myself! And I can only wish every single one of you experiences this too. ERP works! Please, do it! Seek help and if not available, use self-guided available resources. There are plenty of great books! Do it right!! ERP will bring more anxiety, but then you will see the beauty behind facing your fears and just how strong you are!!!! I never thought I could get to this point!

I wanted to take a moment to share how ERP has given me freedom back, which I’ve been reflecting on lately. I used to have terrible driving anxiety. I didn’t like driving more than 15 miles on the freeway, and avoided doing so. Forget driving at night or when it was raining-so out of the question. While I really didn’t want to work on this, I told my therapist, and she gave me some exposure work. I watched videos of car crashes, and wrote a worry script with my worst case scenario. Prior to ERP, I preferred other people drive to the far off places, and if I drove by myself, I was constantly checking my body, in case I got light headed or lost control of my ability to focus and steer and brake. Which truthfully just caused more anxiety, which didn’t help. So, for several weeks, I worked on this fear until it got easier to manage. And yesterday, I drove 45 minutes away, so I could attend an OCD walk hosted by the IOCDF. I met someone in real life that I’ve seen in my support groups, I walked with a friend who was recently diagnosed herself, and I was surrounded by people who have OCD, a disorder that can be so invisible and isolating, so terribly isolating. To be in a community of people with similar struggles to mine, after I struggled with feeling isolated for so long, was beautiful. There are many wins and struggles that led me here, but being able to drive again, to take the reins back from a fear that controlled me, is more wonderful than I can say. I can drive alone now, I can go to favorite cities and beaches that are farther from home to do some self care. If my friend is tired, I can drive instead of hoping she would. The thoughts aren’t gone, and I know they don’t disappear. I do sometimes think “I’m going to die on the freeway today,” or “there’s going to be an earthquake on this bridge as I drive over it.” But the thoughts are more like whispers now, easier to manage and talk back to. Today my anxiety was going up, I feel like I don’t have control over my upcoming work week, I know I needed to relax but I didn’t know how to relax in just the “right way.” But I can breathe through the things that used to drown me. So if your ERP feels like a nightmare, or hard, keep going. It’s so worth it, even if you’re clawing your way through like I was early on. ❤️