Is there anyone who suffers from real event ocd ? I can’t find any help. I’m desperate. I’m in a really hard place right now. Anyone who can help please?

Fathomable

Date posted: 5y ago

Me but idk if I can help. I think these ones can be really tough. I am assuming yours is about . TW sexual abuse. I went through a traumatic relationship and then got bad OCD that I had made up what happened, which still flares up sometimes. It’s very complicated because that obsession came from the fact of having fragmented memories i was trying to solve, the fact I thought others didn’t believe me, guilt over the harm to the person from me talking about it, making excuses for him, feeling responsible for not doing more about a lot of it and therefore downplaying it and overemphasizing my awfulness (I still struggle with this one), feeling/fearing others saw him as worse than he was, my own self-image of myself as a liar (I was a very dysfunctional teen), not being able to accept my own anger about it, and the fact that he wasn’t really facing the things he’d done. Plus I had told one semi-lie (that he’d told me not to talk about it when reality he had asked and I had agreed) under pressure during this time when I felt so confused that I had this need for him to be a categorically awful person in order to feel that I wasn’t one. And saying that was really the clincher for me: I must be an awful person who made it all up on purpose. I kept going back to this idea even though the facts have never ever supported it and the trauma was repeated over a long time, I remember how I felt during it and there’s zero chance I imagined it. But constant “what if’s”. Does it count if he didn’t realize what he was doing or that it was so bad, does me wanting to hurt him or thinking he deserves to be hated make me evil, did I talk about it because I wanted support or wanted him to get in trouble and what does that mean about me, etc. Black and white thinking. Although this sounds ridiculous I didn’t know that it was normal to hate someone who put you through hell and crossed all your boundaries, so I judged myself extra on my own anger. It was a big and very ugly mess. And the worst time period of my life when I was really sucked into this- it was even worse than the actual trauma. To this day it makes me paranoid that in my black-and-white thinking period I could have told lies about what he did which I don’t remember telling. It makes me write different versions of what happened to see if any of them “feel right”. I overblow the idea that I was over dramatic or “exaggerated” more than I ever did and forgive him too easily, all out of the guilt feelings and black and white thinking about myself and him. Because all I have are my memories. I constantly wish there had been a camera there just so I can prove it to *myself* that I didn’t consent or make him think I consented or something. Sometimes it feels like two different OCDs: one that I’m somehow remembering what happened wrong, and another that I made it up, possibly on purpose. Even despite my memories and the fact that they make at least the second one literally impossible. And I KNOW that even with my broken up memory (common from assault), it still happened. Heck I even had a sit-down conversation with him during the relationship about consent because of part of it. He has even somewhat talked to me about it and apologized about sucking at taking “no” and “I want to stop” for an answer and just carrying on. But my brain still says he could be lying to me (god knows why at this point years and years later). But anyway I just want to reassure you that it’s OCD and it’s not just you. The guilt, questioning and replaying your memory, wondering about your motivations, fearing judgement, morally judging yourself etc. It’s OCD, I know it feels like it’s about you as a person but it’s not. It doesn’t matter what mistakes you feel you’ve made. Everybody makes them. If you know (not OCD-fear) that you’ve done something wrong then it’s better to address the specific thing(s) at a time when you aren’t obsessing over them and can think straight and determine whether it’s actually done harm and is appropriate to apologize. We all make mistakes and I don’t think any mistakes are really about who you are as a person, they tend to reflect your age, situation, mental health and amount of tools to deal with life. Everybody deserves that compassion but it’s the hardest t apply it to ourselves. I know a therapist can help you work that out. But while you are in the thick of OCD, don’t fall into thinking about doing apologies and confessions and reassurance seeking right now because none of it is going to be accurate or helpful because it’s all based on your feelings and rumination, not on reality. I really hope you’re able to find a good therapist to help you through this. You’re definitely not alone.

Fathomable

Date posted: 5y ago

******* forgot to finish my sentence- I am assuming yours is about feelings of guilt and doubt from real events.

Mars

Date posted: 5y ago

In ways I do yes

[Deleted]

Date posted: 5y ago

Deleted reply.

NOS09

Date posted: 5y ago

There’s really none around me, I see a counselor currently but the closer specialist in OCD is a few hours away

Fathomable

Date posted: 5y ago

@NOS09 It’s worth the travel, I think. I haven’t started seeing my OCD therapist properly yet but I can already tell she has heard it all before and can help me. You don’t deserve to live with the pain of OCD.

Kat9311

Date posted: 5y ago

Hi, just wanted to say I’m here. I think this is me; I’m very early in my therapy and recently diagnosed. So, I don’t want to overstate. I have lived through near death experiences, sexual assaults, childhood abuse, and abusive relationships. I hope that I can relate to what you’re feeling. Sometimes the hard places are where we get stuck for a little while. Some days I spend hours in mine - just waiting for my body and mind to release the memories and stop the subsequent panic attacks. I use techniques/tools like grounding, “combat” breathing, soothing music, smelling peppermint essential oil, gentle stretching, weighted blankets, and mindfulness to make it more tolerable or shorter. For the obsessions and compulsions it drives, I think we really need to rely on ERP techniques and principles. I’m not qualified to guide you, but for me it seems mostly to be about sitting in our discomfort with uncertainty. I wish there was more I could offer. I’m sorry for your pain. I hope you can feel that you have some company here with us. I’m sitting with you in spirit for as long as you need a friend; you’re not alone.

Ellie.

Date posted: 25w ago

I’m not sure what to do some advice would be nice

I remembered something I did a couple of months ago that has changed me completely from trusting myself it was a conversation I had with my cousin and something they said unrelated made me remember this happening, I went into a full blown identity crisis i couldn’t walk out of my room or get out of my bed for months paranoid and scared of everything I’m still scared and feel like I don’t even deserve to shower I’m working on it slowly each day but I knew I had to get a therapist and I was diagnosed with ocd because of this event I remembered, and I just don’t know what to do…. I read online that it doesn’t matter how little or bad the event is it’s still ocd regardless when diagnosed but I know I have a compulsion to see others real events and it is nothing compared to mine which I shouldn’t compare but it’s difficult because no matter what I have to come to terms that it’s undeniably bad legally and morally what I did and it’s just so confusing how it’s something I JUST learned about months ago I’m literally in my mid 20s, and I went years without even realizing how troubled my childhood was and yes my real event happened during that time but I was still a teen and old enough to know better but I didn’t understand the magnitude of what I did at the time still no excuse though, this is where I don’t know what To do because 1. I already know what I did was awful and there’s no excuse for it 2. I can’t apologize in my situation that I don’t feel comfortable sharing specifics yet3. Yes I know I changed so much obviously I’m a grown adult now I know what’s appropriate and what’s not that’s why I’m so troubled over this and I never did anything like that again, I’m literally in the happiest relationship and seeing a therapist to also help me understand all this trauma, this event involved my cousin but even they are cool with me and very close as well hasn’t said anything I don’t know if they remember or not but it’s not something I can talk about with them at least not yet (again just don’t want to go in to specifics) but this is why is so confusing and has caused me to have intrusive thoughts about everything EVERYTHING the what ifs what if they remember what if I go to jail what if they hate me what if I’m denying who I have been and I’m this horrible person this whole time without even realizing and everything is a lie my relationship my joy for things what if I’m a ped, what if I can’t love or care what if I’m a person who just harms others manipulates I even spiraled thinking I was going to physically harm someone… it’s very bizarre to me because before my OCD my biggest anxiety was just having to learn how to drive…I’m in my 20s just to mention that again😭 I have probably almost all intrusive ocd categories, These thoughts never existed in my head until I remembered my event it has completely traumatized me but do I even deserve to feel better do I deserve to get help if I did something unforgivable do I move on or don’t? Should I even be living life I just feel guilty even breathing stepping outside I know for a fact if people knew they would never trust me they would feel like I probably should go to jail but do I go on to what others feel or myself? I know I wouldn’t harm anyone regardless of what my ocd tells me I never did anything like that again and wouldn’t but if it’s something that even legally I could be punished for does all of that not matter? I’m sorry I’m just trying to figure out what the right thing to do is , I’m continuing therapy and getting the help but obviously my therapist cannot say if I should be punished legally but even my boyfriend said that if I turned myself in they wouldn’t even take me seriously because I don’t even remember everything fully it was so long ago, but from what I do remember it’s still bad enough mainly just of me being a teen, I don’t want to make that event my identity but I just am so freaked out I feel awful what if I caused trauma to another person and all these years I didn’t even know, this event only happened once that I remember, there were things that happened to me as a child that would explain why it happened but it’s still not an excuse, I did a compulsion and googled what would it be called or the charges for it and the words that popped up triggered me to my core as anyone would feel if they were as stupid as me those words I googled are what monsters are so it’s hard not to think of myself as that it’s hard to not make that my identity if that IS what happened, is living with this guilt my punishment?I don’t want to give up on life I want to love and care and just love life I know this is complicated and a lot not much I can do but I’m just so lost.

Real Events OCD

leena445

Date posted: 25w ago

im so confused

im not diagnosed, but these past two days have been terrible. i constantly have this underlying feeling that i might do something that i think is gross and i feel like i can’t do anything on my own because otherwise i might do something wrong. like i feel like i constantly have to be in front of people so that i can make sure of my every action. this is so exhausting and I’m so confused. and like i keep getting terrible images and stuff replaying in my head. i also try to recall what happened but i feel like i have false event too. i used to have religious ocd and that eventually stopped completely, but now it feels like all my work getting over that was pointless. also like i feel like i might have contamination ocd but not the typical germ type. I just get terrible images and I can’t remember if those images are true or not even though they’re impossible and i feel terrible. I don’t know if i could ever get over this because even the thought of it is terrible.

Mariie

Date posted: 25w ago

Does anyone have the same thoughts?

Does anyone have harm OCD related to recent events? Like events that just happened or happened not long ago? I feel like my OCD is trying to find something bad/immoral I could have done in nearly every situation that I am experiencing, for example “Did you just do that?”. And I constantly want to check, ask people for reassurance, try to find a logic answer by going it though in my head,… It’s many different themes but all related to doing sth bad/immoral (e.g., touching someone inappropriately, pushing someone in front of a vehicle, putting something in a drink/food). Does anyone have the same? Or the other thing that I experienced recently is that I did something (a rather unimportant action, not harming anyone) and I go over and over it and ask myself “why did you do that? What does that say about you? Are you actually a weird person?” It feels like I draw “false conclusions” from a real event… I don’t know if that’s OCD though or not. Just wondering if anyone has experienced the same. Good luck to you all! We’re not alone in this! 😊

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

Is there anyone who suffers from real event ocd ? I can’t find any help. I’m desperate. I’m in a really hard place right now. Anyone who can help please?

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community