NOS09
- Date posted
- 5y
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 5y
Me but idk if I can help. I think these ones can be really tough. I am assuming yours is about . TW sexual abuse. I went through a traumatic relationship and then got bad OCD that I had made up what happened, which still flares up sometimes. It’s very complicated because that obsession came from the fact of having fragmented memories i was trying to solve, the fact I thought others didn’t believe me, guilt over the harm to the person from me talking about it, making excuses for him, feeling responsible for not doing more about a lot of it and therefore downplaying it and overemphasizing my awfulness (I still struggle with this one), feeling/fearing others saw him as worse than he was, my own self-image of myself as a liar (I was a very dysfunctional teen), not being able to accept my own anger about it, and the fact that he wasn’t really facing the things he’d done. Plus I had told one semi-lie (that he’d told me not to talk about it when reality he had asked and I had agreed) under pressure during this time when I felt so confused that I had this need for him to be a categorically awful person in order to feel that I wasn’t one. And saying that was really the clincher for me: I must be an awful person who made it all up on purpose. I kept going back to this idea even though the facts have never ever supported it and the trauma was repeated over a long time, I remember how I felt during it and there’s zero chance I imagined it. But constant “what if’s”. Does it count if he didn’t realize what he was doing or that it was so bad, does me wanting to hurt him or thinking he deserves to be hated make me evil, did I talk about it because I wanted support or wanted him to get in trouble and what does that mean about me, etc. Black and white thinking. Although this sounds ridiculous I didn’t know that it was normal to hate someone who put you through hell and crossed all your boundaries, so I judged myself extra on my own anger. It was a big and very ugly mess. And the worst time period of my life when I was really sucked into this- it was even worse than the actual trauma. To this day it makes me paranoid that in my black-and-white thinking period I could have told lies about what he did which I don’t remember telling. It makes me write different versions of what happened to see if any of them “feel right”. I overblow the idea that I was over dramatic or “exaggerated” more than I ever did and forgive him too easily, all out of the guilt feelings and black and white thinking about myself and him. Because all I have are my memories. I constantly wish there had been a camera there just so I can prove it to *myself* that I didn’t consent or make him think I consented or something. Sometimes it feels like two different OCDs: one that I’m somehow remembering what happened wrong, and another that I made it up, possibly on purpose. Even despite my memories and the fact that they make at least the second one literally impossible. And I KNOW that even with my broken up memory (common from assault), it still happened. Heck I even had a sit-down conversation with him during the relationship about consent because of part of it. He has even somewhat talked to me about it and apologized about sucking at taking “no” and “I want to stop” for an answer and just carrying on. But my brain still says he could be lying to me (god knows why at this point years and years later). But anyway I just want to reassure you that it’s OCD and it’s not just you. The guilt, questioning and replaying your memory, wondering about your motivations, fearing judgement, morally judging yourself etc. It’s OCD, I know it feels like it’s about you as a person but it’s not. It doesn’t matter what mistakes you feel you’ve made. Everybody makes them. If you know (not OCD-fear) that you’ve done something wrong then it’s better to address the specific thing(s) at a time when you aren’t obsessing over them and can think straight and determine whether it’s actually done harm and is appropriate to apologize. We all make mistakes and I don’t think any mistakes are really about who you are as a person, they tend to reflect your age, situation, mental health and amount of tools to deal with life. Everybody deserves that compassion but it’s the hardest t apply it to ourselves. I know a therapist can help you work that out. But while you are in the thick of OCD, don’t fall into thinking about doing apologies and confessions and reassurance seeking right now because none of it is going to be accurate or helpful because it’s all based on your feelings and rumination, not on reality. I really hope you’re able to find a good therapist to help you through this. You’re definitely not alone.
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 5y
******* forgot to finish my sentence- I am assuming yours is about feelings of guilt and doubt from real events.
MarsMars
- Date posted
- 5y
In ways I do yes
[Deleted][Deleted]
- Date posted
- 5y
Comment deleted by user
NOS09NOS09
- Date posted
- 5y
There’s really none around me, I see a counselor currently but the closer specialist in OCD is a few hours away
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 5y
@NOS09 It’s worth the travel, I think. I haven’t started seeing my OCD therapist properly yet but I can already tell she has heard it all before and can help me. You don’t deserve to live with the pain of OCD.
Kat9311Kat9311
- Date posted
- 5y
Hi, just wanted to say I’m here. I think this is me; I’m very early in my therapy and recently diagnosed. So, I don’t want to overstate. I have lived through near death experiences, sexual assaults, childhood abuse, and abusive relationships. I hope that I can relate to what you’re feeling. Sometimes the hard places are where we get stuck for a little while. Some days I spend hours in mine - just waiting for my body and mind to release the memories and stop the subsequent panic attacks. I use techniques/tools like grounding, “combat” breathing, soothing music, smelling peppermint essential oil, gentle stretching, weighted blankets, and mindfulness to make it more tolerable or shorter. For the obsessions and compulsions it drives, I think we really need to rely on ERP techniques and principles. I’m not qualified to guide you, but for me it seems mostly to be about sitting in our discomfort with uncertainty. I wish there was more I could offer. I’m sorry for your pain. I hope you can feel that you have some company here with us. I’m sitting with you in spirit for as long as you need a friend; you’re not alone.
Related posts
Ellie.
- Date posted
- 23w
I’m begging ANYONE help I can’t take it anymore!!
I feel awful that I keep coming on here whenever I’m down bad but oh my gosh OCD is the most painful shit that I have EVER experienced in my life and I have a physical chronic illness…. I hate to say it but I hate living right now it’s too painful… im crying as I type to the point where my stomach is hurting, I have pretty severe ocd I do have generalized anxiety and idk if that is connected with ocd but because of that I have most of the subtypes REAL EVENT OCD,POCD,ZOCD,ROCD,SOCD HARM OCD, you name it and I got it!!! a lot of also why I have have those theme is trauma growing up and involving those things^ as of right now i’m 25 and a women with the most loving boyfriend in the entire world before my ocd hit me I NEVER questioned my love and care and attraction with the love of my life I always knew I was going to marry and be with this person the rest of my life! Now with ocd it confuses me soooo much and now I think I’m gay and didn’t realize or indenial and listen I get it “don’t look for reassurance!” “It’s not the thing ocd is attacking that is the problem ocd is the actual problem!” Here’s the thing with that if I’m in a relationship and I’m gay that would mean I would have to leave that said relationship and to say that “oh yeah that stuff happens and you’ll move on” is absolutely devastating to me this is THE LOVE OF MY LIFE and your telling me that iv been lying to myself this whole time or that I didn’t realize?!?!? And that sexuality can change (even though some say it can’t google says otherwise and some people have said it can’t idek anymore) and all this other BULLSHIT I can’t take it WHY?!?! why does this have to happen why can’t I just be with my love the rest of my life?!? and yes before anyone says anything I have been attracted to girls more so when I was younger watching lesbian porn liking the body’s and fantazing them sexually it stopped when I got older but I still don’t get disgusted with women who are pretty it just makes me uncomfortable because I’m with the love of my life and before I remember talking to my partner and discussing certain childhood things I experienced and we discussed that we both could be a little bi and for certain I’m (demi sexual so I don’t even really care about looks) and I truly didn’t care!! NOW I do care even with being bi because again I don’t like thinking about anyone else but my partner but I do also know my parents are homophobic and I do think about if I am gay they wouldn’t be okay with that and I also dont want to deal with that so now I sound like in indenial right?!???? I didn’t even care about labels before my ocd it just didn’t matter but now it’s effected my sex life and it’s hard for me to enjoy sex with being so confused I’m so confused I googled everything can you still have sexual fantasies with same gender but still be straight? Can you fantasize about same gender or imagine marrying them all of it !!! And non of that disgusts me it just makes me uncomfortable AGIAN only bc I just love the partner I’m with right now!!! I’m so fucking confused do I have to leave my partner and accept that I’m gay is that going to happen in the future if I get better with ocd and find out it’s been true all along?!???
Lulu~
- Date posted
- 10w
False memories + real events (TW: POCD)
Hello 😭, so uhm I’m kind of in the point of my POCD where I’m just tired. I just need to get it all out and get some sort of instruction of how to just idk live? So for me my childhood is pretty blurry. I have a few real event blended with false memory events there but other than that I’m a csa victim. And the way I tried to cope? By fetishising nyself, making CP of myself, seeing my life goal as being used, raped and a prostitue. Self destructive behaviour through talking to pedophiles and seeing my only worth as if I was sexually attractive. Which made me kind of numb to CP as a coping mechanism I guess. And heres’s where my main event of REOCD/false memory ocd comes in. I have a few events in my life when I’ve accidentally stumbled across CP ish mangas or just plan abuse and not had a big reaction. Some of them I even liked the story. And my ocd LOVES playing with it, making me truly believe I enjoy and get of from CP. I’ve also had quite a few dreams. A few days ago I had a dream about me getting triggered by something I did in the dream. Which I now can’t figure out if it actually was a dream. But also moments overall where I’ve unintentionally touched my private part while my siblings are in the room or when I found a guy 2 years younger than me pretty in 4th grade. Or a few of my only friends who turned out to be younger than me, and I had talked about sexual things (like fan fictions, my trauma ect) with them. AHSHB I absolutely hate ruminating and I’m tired so so so so so so tried 😭 idk help me? Please TT
Medicine2021_
- Date posted
- 6w
Suicidal OCD and harm OCD
I’ve recently been struggling a lot with OCD. I have had OCD for a long time I just didn’t realize it until more recently. About seven months ago I developed panic attacks one day randomly at work. I thought I was having a heart attack and went to the hospital where they told me it was just a panic attack and I assumed I would snap out and be better within a few days. However it didn’t. Here’s where it gets scary, I was staying at my then boyfriends house while dealing with blurry vision, anxiety attacks everyday, and more (unsure of what was going on). But at some point I saw my bfs (pew pew 🔫) on his table and it sent me into an anxiety attack after sudden thoughts that I was going to hurt myself with it. I begged him to put it away when I’m not looking so I didn’t know where he put it. He did. These thoughts lasted for about four days but began to go away. (I thought that was it and I would be back to normal). Unfortunately though I ended up moving back in with my family when we couldn’t get my panic attacks under control in time for me to get back to work and pay bills. However, coming home brought up a lot of trauma from when I was kid. My anxiety got worse but I didn’t have those thoughts again. About two and half months ago though, I got sick and went to the hospital where they gave me steroid pills and a steroid shot but sent me into some kind of psychiatric event. Ever since then though, I have been suffering from harm OCD, I have had moments of intense anger that I usually have to completely walk away and go on my own because of how intense they are, and it feels like it’s getting worse. Today I felt fine until about and hour and half ago where I started to dwell on the fact that my suicidal thought was influenced by my OCD and at the moment my OCD is at the worst it’s been. This caused me to get suddenly really depressed and I started crying thinking about how I can’t handle this. I then saw a post talking about how suicide rates are high for people with this form of OCD and it made me question if I am mentally strong enough to pull through this. I fear that at times I’m getting worse. I have good days but I have a lot of bad days. Unfortunately this sent me into such a bad panic attack I went over to my nanas crying about how I can’t deal with this. I took a 0.25 mg Xanax which helped calm down the panic attack portion of it but my brain is still uncomfortably active. I guess I just need hope. I’m so saddened by this. It’s like my life took a total 360 in 10 months and got even worse since the steroid shot. Idk what to do about it. I can’t stop the spiral. I talk to two different therapist weekly and start more next week, making it 5 times a week. I feel no improvements…
Be a part of the largest OCD Community
Share your thoughts so the Community can respond