NOS09
- Date posted
- 5y
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 5y
Me but idk if I can help. I think these ones can be really tough. I am assuming yours is about . TW sexual abuse. I went through a traumatic relationship and then got bad OCD that I had made up what happened, which still flares up sometimes. It’s very complicated because that obsession came from the fact of having fragmented memories i was trying to solve, the fact I thought others didn’t believe me, guilt over the harm to the person from me talking about it, making excuses for him, feeling responsible for not doing more about a lot of it and therefore downplaying it and overemphasizing my awfulness (I still struggle with this one), feeling/fearing others saw him as worse than he was, my own self-image of myself as a liar (I was a very dysfunctional teen), not being able to accept my own anger about it, and the fact that he wasn’t really facing the things he’d done. Plus I had told one semi-lie (that he’d told me not to talk about it when reality he had asked and I had agreed) under pressure during this time when I felt so confused that I had this need for him to be a categorically awful person in order to feel that I wasn’t one. And saying that was really the clincher for me: I must be an awful person who made it all up on purpose. I kept going back to this idea even though the facts have never ever supported it and the trauma was repeated over a long time, I remember how I felt during it and there’s zero chance I imagined it. But constant “what if’s”. Does it count if he didn’t realize what he was doing or that it was so bad, does me wanting to hurt him or thinking he deserves to be hated make me evil, did I talk about it because I wanted support or wanted him to get in trouble and what does that mean about me, etc. Black and white thinking. Although this sounds ridiculous I didn’t know that it was normal to hate someone who put you through hell and crossed all your boundaries, so I judged myself extra on my own anger. It was a big and very ugly mess. And the worst time period of my life when I was really sucked into this- it was even worse than the actual trauma. To this day it makes me paranoid that in my black-and-white thinking period I could have told lies about what he did which I don’t remember telling. It makes me write different versions of what happened to see if any of them “feel right”. I overblow the idea that I was over dramatic or “exaggerated” more than I ever did and forgive him too easily, all out of the guilt feelings and black and white thinking about myself and him. Because all I have are my memories. I constantly wish there had been a camera there just so I can prove it to *myself* that I didn’t consent or make him think I consented or something. Sometimes it feels like two different OCDs: one that I’m somehow remembering what happened wrong, and another that I made it up, possibly on purpose. Even despite my memories and the fact that they make at least the second one literally impossible. And I KNOW that even with my broken up memory (common from assault), it still happened. Heck I even had a sit-down conversation with him during the relationship about consent because of part of it. He has even somewhat talked to me about it and apologized about sucking at taking “no” and “I want to stop” for an answer and just carrying on. But my brain still says he could be lying to me (god knows why at this point years and years later). But anyway I just want to reassure you that it’s OCD and it’s not just you. The guilt, questioning and replaying your memory, wondering about your motivations, fearing judgement, morally judging yourself etc. It’s OCD, I know it feels like it’s about you as a person but it’s not. It doesn’t matter what mistakes you feel you’ve made. Everybody makes them. If you know (not OCD-fear) that you’ve done something wrong then it’s better to address the specific thing(s) at a time when you aren’t obsessing over them and can think straight and determine whether it’s actually done harm and is appropriate to apologize. We all make mistakes and I don’t think any mistakes are really about who you are as a person, they tend to reflect your age, situation, mental health and amount of tools to deal with life. Everybody deserves that compassion but it’s the hardest t apply it to ourselves. I know a therapist can help you work that out. But while you are in the thick of OCD, don’t fall into thinking about doing apologies and confessions and reassurance seeking right now because none of it is going to be accurate or helpful because it’s all based on your feelings and rumination, not on reality. I really hope you’re able to find a good therapist to help you through this. You’re definitely not alone.
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 5y
******* forgot to finish my sentence- I am assuming yours is about feelings of guilt and doubt from real events.
MarsMars
- Date posted
- 5y
In ways I do yes
[Deleted][Deleted]
- Date posted
- 5y
Comment deleted by user
NOS09NOS09
- Date posted
- 5y
There’s really none around me, I see a counselor currently but the closer specialist in OCD is a few hours away
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 5y
@NOS09 It’s worth the travel, I think. I haven’t started seeing my OCD therapist properly yet but I can already tell she has heard it all before and can help me. You don’t deserve to live with the pain of OCD.
Kat9311Kat9311
- Date posted
- 5y
Hi, just wanted to say I’m here. I think this is me; I’m very early in my therapy and recently diagnosed. So, I don’t want to overstate. I have lived through near death experiences, sexual assaults, childhood abuse, and abusive relationships. I hope that I can relate to what you’re feeling. Sometimes the hard places are where we get stuck for a little while. Some days I spend hours in mine - just waiting for my body and mind to release the memories and stop the subsequent panic attacks. I use techniques/tools like grounding, “combat” breathing, soothing music, smelling peppermint essential oil, gentle stretching, weighted blankets, and mindfulness to make it more tolerable or shorter. For the obsessions and compulsions it drives, I think we really need to rely on ERP techniques and principles. I’m not qualified to guide you, but for me it seems mostly to be about sitting in our discomfort with uncertainty. I wish there was more I could offer. I’m sorry for your pain. I hope you can feel that you have some company here with us. I’m sitting with you in spirit for as long as you need a friend; you’re not alone.
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- Date posted
- 22w
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- Date posted
- 9w
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Medicine2021_
- Date posted
- 5w
Suicidal OCD and harm OCD
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