Just want to rant: I read an article that my boyfriend had written about his ex girlfriend. It details his sexual encounters with her, very graphically. I want to vomit. I feel so sick it’s not even funny. I feel so guilty and horrible and disgusted about it. I want to tell him, but I don’t know how. He writes a lot and I was scrolling through one of his blog posts. I am crying and I feel like my world is ending, because he was my world. How do I get over this?

content warning: talks of explicit acts and fear of cheating or attraction to another person I had a dream yesterday about breaking up with my boyfriend and now I had a dream I cheated on him. They scared me but I've realized that they don't really mean anything. I only am freaking out again because while I was self pleasuring earlier, I was thinking of my partner and watching him until I had an intrusive thought someone I just saw in a tik tok and that got me there. im so scared because I didn't mean to let my mind slip and I really feel like I need to talk to my partner about this because i feel so guilty and I know something like this would hurt me if the situation was flipped so I don't know what to do. why did I like the thought so much to that point??? how do I convince myself I don't need to tell my partner even though the guilt is setting in and it feels so wrong? I feel ashamed and unfaithful and terrible I hate that this happened how I do know what to do what if it wasn't an intrusive thought and I enjoyed it even though I tried to change my thoughts?

ik it’s dumb but it does hurt seeing every single one of my friends and my bfs friends post their gf for national gf day but i don’t get a post. it’s v cringe. i know. but it’s triggered me into thinking my bf is cheating on me and idk how to not be so upset with him over something so dumb. i just feel like im being played and our relationship is fake from this STUPID thing. like now i think he’s hiding some alternate life from me and it’s making me question if i know who he is. FROM THIS STUPID MADE UP HOLIDAY THATS AB POSTING A STUPID STORY. i can’t help it. and maybe maybe not mindset is just making me more upset bc it’s so insanely difficult to sit with this kind of uncertainty. i know hes not, but at the same time NO I DONT AND I CANT STOP THINKING AB IT.

I think I just need to vent about this and hopefully I’ll feel better. When I was a teen (somewhere between 12 and 18, fuzzy about when exactly) I found some weird fetish porn. I didn’t even know what I was doing because my sex ed was terrible, but I ended up getting off to it. I remember being confused, scared, and VERY secretive. I ended up being funneled into a community that ultimately was very harmful for me as a young teen, one that I don’t think I would have been anywhere near if I hadn’t stumbled onto it. Now that I’m in my late 20s, I recognize that this was not a good situation. I think I was into it because it was paired with things I do like, because of the secrecy and anxiety, and just sheer exposure. But that doesn’t stop me from every once in a while being absolutely terrified that I secretly like it. It’s nerve wracking, because I wonder if I just convinced myself I didn’t like it because I assigned moral value to it. I had friends that thought it was disgusting. But at the end of the day, I didn’t stop because of other people, I stopped because I found myself not wanting it anymore. I just stopped wanting it. Now, I don’t want it. Even though I’ve done my best to remove the moral quantity to it, I just don’t want to do it and the thought makes me uncomfortable and icked out. So… yeah. I’ve talked to my therapist before. It was the first time I ever cried in therapy. I think I need to talk through it more. I’m comforted knowing I don’t want to act on any of the intrusive thoughts I get about it, but knowing that I did things when I was a teen makes it hard. I just have to remind myself I was a child, I know what was happening. But it’s hard