Just want to rant: I read an article that my boyfriend had written about his ex girlfriend. It details his sexual encounters with her, very graphically. I want to vomit. I feel so sick it’s not even funny. I feel so guilty and horrible and disgusted about it. I want to tell him, but I don’t know how. He writes a lot and I was scrolling through one of his blog posts. I am crying and I feel like my world is ending, because he was my world. How do I get over this?

help? my brother found my journal without me knowing, and read every. single. page. i have severe ocd so i write down all my thoughts in there, which my thoughts are kind of gross and weird. i have no idea what to do. i feel like this is my fault. i left my journal in my room where i thought nobody would look. well, i guess he goes in my room because he found it, and shopped through everything. i’m thinking about just stopping journaling and burning all my books, i can’t do digital either because phone checks. writing was one of my only escapes, and it was taken away from me. (keep in mind these were thoughts not even my therapist knows.)

I didn’t want to post this originally but I need to get this off my chest. I’ve been recently told it’s very likely I have OCD by a therapy service, and one thing that really bothers me is guilt and shame after doing something even slightly wrong. In this case I think I did something truly awful and I don’t know what to do. I haven’t really eaten today — I should be studying for my exam tomorrow but I can’t get this off my mind. The guilt feels like I’ve murdered someone. I joined a new job a few months ago and have been pretty quiet there since, but recently decided to try to make some friends there and show my actual personality. I was invited to a pub with a few of my other coworkers but only 4 of us showed up — a girl I’m friendly with, a guy I’m friendly with, and a guy I don’t know too well whose girlfriend (who we also work with) has recently been promoted to our team leader. It gets bad here. We’ve all been drinking for a while and I’m starting to feel drunk, along with the other girl who, due to other reasons, ended up feeling very sick. They were all openly talking about sex at one point and the guy I don’t know well — who I’ll refer to as M — mentioned at some point that he was in an open relationship with his girlfriend. I remember him saying most physical things were fine as long as they talked about it, but romantic feelings were off the table. I should add I had no intentions romantically towards M. No attraction there, no feelings. I actually thought he might dislike me. It gets worse. He told me the other guy we were out with liked me, but was being respectful about it. He then added that he was also attracted to me but that was a conversation that would be had with his girlfriend. I am ridiculously oblivious and don’t process things properly when I’ve had alcohol just like any other drunk person, so thought he was just saying it in passing to demonstrate his point about the other guy’s respect towards me. I’ll admit I was flattered by that but still had no romantic feelings and didn’t reciprocate the attraction (for some reason I felt similarly to the way you do when a friend jokingly calls you sexy or something). It gets even worse. My female friend is violently ill and I go to look after her when M texts me saying he wants us to come out of the bathroom so we can leave. I thought he and the other guy were having some sort of argument. He texted telling me to just act drunker than I was and, I quite literally quote, “be all over him like I couldn’t get home without his help”. I did act a little bit drunker when I went out to update them but was against the idea of being ‘all over him’ so just spoke to him like I was drunker than I was. For some reason, and again I say I don’t read things properly when drunk, I didn’t think this was strange. Then we get to the train station to go home — the first guy who apparently likes me?? is with our friend. It’s me and M at this point and he keeps asking me if I’m alright. I tell him yes, which is true. I was drunker than I realised (the situation with our friend and being in the cold made me feel more sober than I actually was). He ended up offering me his hand to hold and I thought he was just trying to be comforting for some reason so I took it. This is the part I really regret. He put his finger under my chin and leaned in a bit. I didn’t process what was happening and turned my head. I then thought ‘was he trying to kiss me?’ and for some reason made the stupid, drunk decision to turn back and try to figure out if that was what was happening. I don’t remember if I leaned into it a bit but he went for it again and kissed me. I should add that, were I sober, and (I sincerely hope but ocd is kicking my ass) had he asked me and had I actually had the time to process it, it wouldn’t have happened. It lasted about a second, maybe less, before I pulled away. I told him he should speak to his girlfriend and I felt guilty. He agreed that he would (which, having spoken to him today, he told me he has and she’s okay). Then he tried to kiss me twice more, both of which I dodged. He was respectful here and said that was fine. He later said repeatedly something flirtatious like “you know what you’ve done” and that made me uncomfortable so I kind of awkwardly laughed it off. We’ve spoken this morning, I’ve confirmed he’s spoken with his girlfriend and I’ve firmly said I’m not looking for more than friendship with anyone, especially not at work. He agreed but keeps insinuating I was being purposely flirtatious throughout the night (which I wasn’t, that was never my intention. He also keeps joking about it happening again and that it’s ‘funny he kissed me before the other guy considering the effort he put in’. I should say that he asked me if it was consensual this morning and I answered that it wasn’t non-consensual if that makes sense, but that I didn’t process it as it was happening. I was quite shocked. I like neither M nor the first guy romantically. I feel awful about what happened and my part in it. I should’ve pulled away. I have to go into work this weekend, to see both people in the relationship and I honestly don’t know what to do. I like and respect his girlfriend a lot in the time I’ve known her. Even though I didn’t plan anything or have any intentions I feel like I’ve stabbed her in the back. I’m worrying he’s told her I was flirting or reciprocated his attention (now sober I’ve put all the pieces together somewhat) and was the one to initiate it. Or what if my other coworkers find out and think I’m trying to be a homewrecker?? That’s a selfish question in itself, I shouldn’t be concerned about myself. I just don’t know what to do. I know I’m in the wrong, and I don’t expect anyone to say differently, but I just need to talk about it before I go insane. I’ve never been this physically affected by my OCD before. I can feel it everywhere in my body. I’m seriously considering leaving it for a bit before quitting when I get back from uni. If you read this or scrolled to the end, thank you. I’m sorry I’m such a mess. I just need to make it through my exam, and then the weekend, and I might start to feel better.

This is all probably tmi, but I’m struggling quite a bit so please bear with me. I recently cut back/quit watching mainstream porn, but the other day I was searching for a certain scene from the movie “X” to use as a… replacement. (Mia Goth is one of my biggest celebrity crushes, and I was just trying to explore alternatives to traditional porn 🤦‍♀️) While looking for this, I stumbled upon an explicit scene of hers from the movie “Nymphomaniac” that I used instead. I’ve never seen this movie, so I was incredibly disgusted when I found out afterward that she was 18/19 when filming this movie and that her character in the movie is SUPPOSED TO BE 15. I’m 24, so needless to say, I was a bit horrified. I had no idea she was so young in this (or that the character she played was underage), and I feel sick that I used this to pleasure myself. None of this crossed my mind beforehand considering it was a pretty explicit scene in a mainstream film. I assumed she was around my age. Even though she was technically an adult while filming this, she was still far to young for me personally and I feel deeply ashamed. This event has triggered memories from the ages 18-22 (I worry even 23) where I would search the “teen” category (18-19) on porn websites. I feel disgusting for looking at this stuff once I got out of my teen years, and even though I stopped, I feel dirty and predatory for doing this in my early 20s. Before I took a hiatus from watching this content this year, I would only watch things where I could tell the actors were my age or older. But the past is haunting me. And I just feel so gross. I should have stuck with the scene from the movie I was searching for (because she was 28/29 in that and I KNEW that), or I shouldn’t have watched anything at all. Hell, typing this out is starting to make me obsess over whether I’m disgusting or not for doing this to something that wasn’t really intended to be “porn”. I feel like I’ve violated this actress by using this film for something it wasn’t really intended for. I know I should quit all of this entirely, but my medication makes it incredibly difficult to “perform”, and imagination alone just doesn’t work for me. I’m just so frustrated and everything I do makes me hate myself more. I’m sorry for the graphic nature of this post. I was just wondering if anyone could relate or give me some advice.