I can’t tell if this is existential OCD or if something else is going on, but I’ve been having a serious existential crisis-type episode for the past week. Starting with the realization of my own mortality and an impending sense of doom, hopelessness, pointlessness, and despair, which led me down a path of spirituality (mix of Buddhist and Hindu beliefs). That’s in the realm of “normal” for me, and I was feeling amazing afterwards, I felt like everything finally made sense, like I was at peace with the world, nature, and my soul. But then the intrusive thoughts started(about when I realized technically anything is possible in this seemingly endless universe). At first they were about this whole world being fake, that everyone was in on it except for me, that I was being tested to see if I had learned enough/been a good enough person in this life. Soon realized that this wasn’t logical, since I was going off the idea that nothing was real, but if no one was real they wouldn’t be able to lie to me. Then it transitioned into pure solipsism, which terrified me to the very depths of my soul, at which point I felt suicidal (basically “if nothing is real what’s the point?” Kind of thinking) but after a couple of days of ruminating, I realized the flaws in this logic, as well, and was comfortable in the idea that this was false. Which brings me to now. It’s sort of a mixture of the two, I now have an intrusive thought that there’s some force that created this world to test me, but that no one is “real”, that they have the appearance of being conscious like me, but are being controlled by an outside force, that they’re like robots with the appearance of having a soul, but are just programmed to seem that way, that I’ll not be able to see them again when I die and return to the pool of consciousness since they never existed in the first place. I know in my rational mind this isn’t true, but it just keeps pounding in my head that it’s possible, so I can never assume it isn’t the truth, and it’s making me feel so hopeless. What’s the point if everything is a lie? I feel like my world is crumbling beneath my feet, like I’m drowning. The worst part was that I was fine this morning, but was triggered by an existential question I saw posed online, and wound up back here. I’m terrified that I’m going insane.

"Pure" OCD

katiesexistence

Date posted: 5y

Sorry I accidentally deleted my comment! I’ll write it again :) If it makes you feel better you are not alone in thinking these types of thoughts. I’ve struggled with almost the exact same set of ideas. Mine have gotten much better & don’t bother me nearly as much. Try to tell yourself, “Maybe what I think is true but maybe it isn’t. There is no possible way I can know for certain either way, so it’s best for my health to not worry about it.”

Fathomable

Date posted: 5y

Well, I have the same initial beliefs but then I don't think everyone else is robots, I think they're me. And that puts me in that space of bliss you were talking about. I believe like you that when I die I'll go back into everything, the pool of consciousness, the place that was my home, and I believe that the barest essence of everybody will be *and already are* there as we are all facets of the same thing. You could say what's the point for anything. What's the point if you're just gonna die? What's the point if you're just gonna live forever either in an afterlife or as other living creatures? What's the point if the world is you? What's the point if it's a simulation and not real? What's the point if it's actually real and this is all there is? Unfortunately, we don't get a preview or an explanation. You have to make your own meaning and live by your own best guesses. I hope to end life having learned lessons and helped others. If there is any "point" at all, I think it's to transcend suffering and help others to do the same. If actually there isn't a point, that still seems like a pretty worthy goal. While I enjoy Eastern and Stoic philosophy very much and it's nice to see other people actually consider this stuff, it's definitely OCD which is distressing you. A philosophy made you uncomfortable so you sought flaws in its logic. Once you settle on something after a lot of thought, at some point you need to grant your brain a favour and let go of analysing, because this isn't worth wasting your life on. Idk if you've read Siddhartha by Herman Hesse. There is a conversation in it about the futility of "arguing about words" which could help you to stop.

Just.a.bean

Date posted: 5y

Thank you very much, this really connected with me. I’ve learned that I can usually take a walk and clear my head, and work out whatever philosophy makes me so incredibly uncomfortable,and I’m usually back at baseline (although I know and admit to myself that those thoughts will likely come back). I think you’re right though, I really would like to stop analyzing so much, stop taking every theory I hear as automatically true just because it’s a slim (or even moderate/high) possibility. I think in my logical mind I know that we truly know nothing other than that we are conscious, and that the rest is a guessing game, but it’s that little voice saying “well what about that 1% chance that blah blah blah” that gets to me. Hopefully one day I can get to a point where I genuinely don’t care why we’re here, but simply embrace existence for what it is. Wow, this comment got way off track, but still felt like it needs to be said, plus it’s always nice finding someone with similar views. Anyway, thank you, this really did resonate with me.

Melanie2156

Date posted: 5y

I'm dealing with the same thoughts about death and life is anything helping you

anonkrs

Date posted: 4y

Hey. I am going through exact same thoughts. Have you been able to overcome them?

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