*Long post so apologies. I just wish someone can understand where I am coming from and share their thoughts / emotions or experiences* I have not been diagnosed by a professional about my mental health, but I am pretty sure I experience OCD and anxiety on a daily basis. It all started from being really sick when I was little .. A bug hit me that I had never dealt with before that had caused me to throw up profusely. After this, from since I can remember I am “scared” of germs. If I knew someone was sick, I would contaminate myself from them and avoid all contact. I used to bring my own cutlery to restaurants. I have to wash my hands and use hand sanitiser most of the time. If I start to feel a little bit ‘icky’ I would be on google search to find out if I had symptoms of the bug. It has become such a strain and I have really bad anxiety about the fact of not wanting to be sick. I avoid eating in low rated hygiene places and I have to double check that certain foods are cooked / prepared (ie: chicken) is cooked properly. ... My other OCD situation is a little bit different and I’m unsure as to why and what. I have intrusive thoughts in my head that range from: not wanting to drive in the fear of a car crash. ??? Or I get worried sick knowing that my family and/or partner are driving long distances in fear that I will lose them to an accident. I make sure that they message me during and after commuting so my mind is at ease. I also have a distressing time processing about my childhood; I was once sexually abused that still makes me feel sick to this day. But because of this ... I have had thoughts of sexual “exploration” with my sibling who has nothing to do with my abusive past????? Nothing has happened between me and my sibling of course .. but my OCD is creating false memories that I can’t seem to get rid off? It makes me feel so sick and that I can not live with myself because of this. I then try to flashback all the memories of my past to see if there is some truth about it but it just ends up making things worse ???? I’m just really struggling in my current relationship because of this as it’s not the most comfortable or normal thing to talk about. Any help would be highly appreciated as I feel like I’m losing my mind over it. Sorry for the long text, there is more to it but I just wanted some of you to get the brief understanding of things.

I’ve never truly opened up about my story with anyone but I’d like to share with those who may understand.. Since I was 5 years old I have memories of (well I think they are memories although when I recall them, they feel like dreams. So they might have been or they’re just false memories) but I have this memory of engaging in not sexual acts but maybe kissing my older brother or maybe younger. Now it gave me so much anxiety because I had no idea and I still have no idea if it is true or not. That ate me alive for so long. But as a young girl I struggled with very bad anxiety, it was... well I’ve never officially got diagnosed with OCD but I read up on it a few years back and finally felt less alone. I always had intrusive sexual thoughts whether it was about children, family members, even God.. I had no idea what it was and I felt disgusted by it. It was unbearable anxiety. I’ve always struggled with those thoughts and depression and anxiety. But even as an adult, sometimes I may see a photo of my younger brother, who is now growing into a young man, and I get this thought or feeling of thinking he is cute. Which confuses me because I question myself and whether I am secretly attracted to him. Like what if I’m just using OCD as a justification? I’d never engage in any kind of sexual activity with any family member, that just sounds DISGUSTING. But I really am confused. And it makes me wonder. Was I abused as a child? And do I not remember? I don’t know

So, this long story will have to be cut down a bit but here’s my story and my plea for some guidance… My childhood was not that great. Although I am grateful to have had a better childhood than others who are way less fortunate. My dad was an alcoholic and suicidal, my mom was toxic and vengeful. This lasted up until I would say my 10th birthday. I was also molested by a family member that to this day no one believes that it happened and would rather me keep this info to myself. I searched for attention from the wrong people. Being bullied, I decided it’s best to be the bullier. So, I started getting in trouble at school, home, with the cops. Everything. Me and my mom started to develop a resentful relationship. I met people online who were older than my age at the time, who had zero business talking to me. They manipulated me and made me feel horrible. I got caught and went ten months without a phone. This time was peaceful. I then went into my sophomore year of high school and entered a relationship I was not comfortable in. At this point, I was healing from previous trauma and was not looking for a relationship to be in. But, I did it anyway because I was afraid to be alone. This relationship was the worst relationship….and I mean the WORST relationship I was in. It was narcissistic and abusive. It broke off abruptly with no closure, no explanation, and leaving me empty and suicidal. I dated during this time and made it clear that I was not ready for a relationship yet. I decided to take a break from dating because although I do not have feelings for my ex, I was now experiencing anxiety and PTSD from what happened. I fell into a deep depression that I did not know when I will be getting out of. I met my boyfriend while continuing to heal about a month after. It was an instant connection and of course I questioned it but I didn’t think much of it. I caught feelings for him pretty quickly which is something that is rare for me. We had insanely similar personalities. It has been the best relationship I have been in. I could even go as far as to say this will be my future husband. We are also long distance and will be closing that distance soon. Something inside me though… keeps bringing up my ex. Small thoughts, small feelings, and knowing I don’t love him. Now, I sit here. I am questioning my love for my partner, asking myself what is so special about my ex that he occupies my mind but weirdly not my heart… It hurts. I just want these thoughts to stop. I have become suicidal before, I am scared to become this again. Why do I feel like I love him when I never loved him while we were together? I know my brain is tricking me, because I know I love my partner. But I am scared I still care for someone who abused me. I am scared I now love two people at the same time. I am scared that the one that I am with isn’t the one for me and this happiness means I am faking it. Is it all an illusion? Why can’t he just go away?

For most of my adult life I was told by professionals that I suffered from general anxiety disorder. But most recently after switching psychiatrists, I was diagnosed with OCD, which is the cause of my severe anxiety. And now everything makes sense. Some things I didn’t realize was actually my OCD: - Immense fear that i’ve forgotten something I do instinctively every day. Locking the door, flushing the toilet, turning off the heater, etc. I can not recall a time i have ever forgotten to do these things, but I have so much anxiety that something bad will happen because i’ve forgotten to do them that I will drive all the way back home or to work to check and make sure they’ve been done. It got so bad that I would drive to my office at 10 pm at night because i had the sudden realization in bed that i couldn’t remember if I locked the door. I now have to take a picture of the locked door every time i leave so I can reference it for later and assure myself its been done. - Obsessing over what people think of how i dress, act, talk, etc to the point that I can’t communicate properly because Im trying to think of the correct thing say or how the other person is perceiving me in that moment. It makes social situations exhausting and fills me with dread whenever i have to talk to any one new. I just want to be liked, to have friends, but because of this anxiety Ive found that being alone is the least stress inducing, so I usually don’t talk to people besides family if I don’t have to. - Goes with the above, but constant thoughts that if im not liked by others, i am horrible person. Its all or nothing, either everyone likes me or im worthless. It makes every interaction insanely stressful and i obsess over every word i said for hours after I get home. - Texting is a nightmare. Writing, re-writing, and RE-WRITING texts to make sure they sound okay. Then asking my fiance to read them himself to make sure they sound okay to an outside person before sending them. And then the immense fear after sending them that what I’ve said is going to be taken the wrong way and waiting on the edge of my seat to see if/how they’ll respond. And im not talking about serious conversations, this is just simple back and forth. - Sending long paragraphs with as many details as possible to try and avoid the above. When probably just an “okay” would’ve sufficed. - I work in marketing/graphics, and all my coworkers know I’m obsessed with symmetry and even spacing. Everything needs to feel balanced, or its completely wrong. I refuse to send out anything im not 100% happy with, and ill spend extra time adjusting spacing and sizing by less than a 5% difference over and over again until im satisfied. Ive had coworkers ask what i’ve changed because its so minuscule to them. But in my eyes anything that isn’t spaced evenly or lined up correctly is glaring and unacceptable. - Being consistently late to things because my compulsions and obsessions take my mind away from time management. Im just considered the person that can never arrive on time. Its a running joke in my family at this point, but it still makes me feel bad. My parents always instilled the need to be punctual so you’re not wasting other peoples time, but my brain can’t make it happen no matter how hard i try. These are just a few of the things that I’ve come to realize are attributed to OCD. I honestly thought for a while that this was just simple anxiety and that everyone felt this way, especially because my mother deals with similar issues. Has anyone else dealt with similar issues? Im on anti-anxiety medication currently, and it seems to help most days. I’m interested in learning more about others experiences and if any one has come up with coping mechanisms that help them work through their symptoms. p.s. apologies for the long post lol