- Date posted
- 6y ago
- Date posted
- 6y ago
Wow I relate. The memories feel so real right. However let’s say even if they are. Your a good person because your bothered by it. Hugs
- Date posted
- 6y ago
But these ‘sexual exploration’ thoughts has just been recent. I am so unsure on where they have come from. Surely if this was true, I would of suffered in guilt a lot longer? In my head I know it’s not possible, but there’s part of me that keeps believing that something disgusting has happened. Just makes me sad.
- Date posted
- 6y ago
I can really relate to the first thing that you mentioned about being sick. That's the main issue that I'm dealing with at the moment. Unfortunately I don't have any advice, but I figured that it'd help you to know that you're not alone. It's a real pain in the a** especially for my boyfriend because I'm always asking him to make sure if my food is cooked all the way. If I see any pink on chicken I'll panic but he tells me that for dark meat that's normal, so now I go for the white meat instead. I'm not going to sugarcoat it... My OCD is ruining my life. The last point that you brought up, about the sexual abuse... I'm not in that same position, but some part of me panics at the thought that maybe when I was younger I was... Because, well... This is really difficult for me to be somewhat openly talking about and I've never told a soul, but I feel very uncomfortable when my family touches me. I genuinely don't believe that they have ever sexually assaulted me, but my head has got me thinking otherwise. I get these really bad intrusive thoughts, sometimes about sex with family members & it's very very unsettling. I just can't shake them though & I can't talk about it because I'm so unbelievably uncomfortable at the thought of that. When I was in first or second grade, my best friend lived next door. He and I were inseparable. But we were curious kids & I'd let him touch me (with clothes on) & one time my mom saw his hand by my privates & she got very mad. That made me feel really bad and dirty and from that point on I just feel really weird about sex. Idk if it was from that experience or not, but yeah. Sorry I rambled this probably is super off topic with what you posted.
- Date posted
- 6y ago
For the excessive worry part that you mentioned in the middle, me too. I've always been a nervous person, even as a little kid. Back when I was younger (around the same age as my previous comment), I'd cry and be very very upset and my parents would ask me why. I clearly remember the one day I was standing in the kitchen and I was crying because I was scared that my mom was going to die. I had no reason to believe that she would.. she wasn't sick or anything, I was just terrified at the thought of it.
- Date posted
- 6y ago
@icepenguin19 I’m so glad that you can relate. Some people think that I’m snobby because I don’t like using public bathrooms or not eating certain foods.. but reality is; it’s my OCD. They don’t understand and I cba to explain it as some individuals are just ignorant. Relating back to the last part - I totally get it. I hate when family members and friends want to smother me with affection or want to be playful. It makes me uncomfortable too which is why I can be quite abrupt and rude sometimes. Also, kids will be kids and sexual exploration is considered normal sometimes within set boundaries and innocence. I wouldn’t feel so bad about my situation if it wasn’t thoughts about my brother; as its completely different when it’s your own skin and blood. :( So embarrassing.
- Date posted
- 6y ago
It's definitely not easy, especially since most people have never been in our positions. OCD is a hard thing to explain and unless you have dealt with it you probably won't ever really understand it. I've been trying really hard to not get mad at my bf when he doesn't understand why I do what I do, because thankfully he has no idea what it's like. Yes, he never did anything without me giving permission. We still sometimes talk even though we've both moved away, but I can't help but wonder if he remembers what I do about our friendship. Oh yeah, I don't have any siblings so I'm not sure what that's like. For me it's my parents and cousins. I'm adopted so it's not my own skin and blood but it's still super uncomfortable.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 17w ago
I’m sharing this bc I need advice or even support from anyone who can relate. If you can’t relate and don’t think you’ll say anything helpful or kind pls don’t comment anything… I’ve been struggling with somethings that’s making me question myself. There has been moments while self pleasuring when I get intrusive thoughts, in those moments it feels like I’m enjoying or even self pleasuring myself bc of the thought. Right after I immediately have an anxiety attack and my HEART drops bc it feels terrible I feel like a disgusting monster :( ppl have told me I haven’t done a bad bc of how intense my guilt and panic are but I keep thinking that MAYBE I made a horrible decision in the moment and the guilt is just realising that it’s just wrong this doesn’t make sense to me because I’ve always told myself that I would never act on this in 1 million years and I’ve been known that these things are wrong so I’m just like constantly questioning myself these feelings and exact same situation has happened two times already I even promised myself that I wouldn’t act on anything beforehand and yeah, I still felt like I did act on my thought during my alone time I’m genuinely convinced that I’m a horrible and it’s even got into the point where I don’t wanna be here anymore and I don’t even think this is my OCD :( tbh
- Date posted
- 14w ago
Hi, I’m new here!! I’m praying I don’t get judged for this. But, back in late May of 2022 ( literally right before I graduated high school), I added this one random girl from my school on Snapchat. She posted something about a graduation party , so I swiped up on her story basically saying how I can’t believe we’re almost graduated. She replied and we had a really short and simple conversation. The next day ( i believe) , we started talking a lot , and I just so happened to see her at the highschool when we were grabbing our graduation outfits and doing the rehearsal. When I saw her irl, I kinda got turned off ( I heard she was kinda crazy) , and on top of that , she was a little ugly irl. I remember seeing her Snapchat bio , and she was close friends with my female cousin ( a year younger than me) , who I happened to experiment sexually with when I was 10-11 years old. I remember going to work later that day and having sort of a lightbulb flick thought ( it wasn’t a good thought though) , what if my cousin told her about what happened when we were younger? So I started to kind of panic and immediately distanced myself from that girl. I also experimented sexually with one of my female friends when I was 10-11 , and from that day onwards, I’ve been pretty much living in paranoia and a little bit of guilt about someone finding out and my life being ruined . On top of that, It’s gotten worse to now sometimes I wonder if a girl I added off of quick add ( Snapchat) is underage even if they told me they were 18+ or had 18 and above in their bio, and I get so much guilt and anxiety about that. I even had a quick thought last February on what if I did something inappropriate with my younger cousin when I was 15-16 but I just can’t exactly remember when it happened , and it still eats me alive when I think about it, because I don’t know if it happened or not. I’m sorry for the long vent, I just wish I felt normal again. No matter how much I try to do things that old me used to do, life always feels “ off”. I always kept the top part about when I was younger a secret up until early (ish ) 2024, then I vented to one of my best friends and he told me that that’s a normal thing to do at a young age. Since then, I have told multiple friends and they all say they did similar stuff, but my brain just can’t accept that. Please help me, I quite literally overthink everything nowadays. 2021 was the last full year that I felt normal ( coincidentally, the best year of my life so far) . It’s not just about sexual related things either, sometimes I’ll wonder if I messed up something at work or hit a car while driving/hit someone and drove off. I just wanna live my life how I was supposed to live it after highschool ( carefree and happy) before whatever it is ( I think it’s ocd) hit me unexpectedly. Thanks to anyone who read this , I just needed to pour it out regardless of how negative I felt typing this, I hope someone can relate , because I feel so alone in my head at times.
- Date posted
- 13w ago
It’s been 4 years. 4 years since I spiralled into a world controlled by rituals of 4, it started as 2, then 3, then 4 - my safe number. The amount of times I wash my hands after touching something dirty and how many repeats it takes until I feel ‘clean’, the amount of taps I make when closing doors to make sure I don’t ‘die’, the amount of times I rinse cutlery and plates before eating off them, the amount of times I disinfect things. My OCD subtype is contamination and I know 2020 lockdowns and the pandemic caused it to spiral but what started as a small ritual quickly became bigger until I no longer remembered what my life was like without the obsessive thoughts of germs and contamination. Could that person be ill? What if I go outside to the shops and someone makes me sick? You can’t answer the door to get that package from the delivery driver because he might make you sick, oh you can’t put the shopping away without disinfecting it first - what if someone has coughed on it? ‘I’ve got to wear gloves to do that’ I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. For 4 years I’ve lived like this, the ‘I don’t want to touch that’ or ‘I can’t go to this place because I don’t want to get ill and die’ ‘can you go do that for me as I don’t think I can right now’ - I know my OCD is irrational, I know the likelihood of those things actually happening are slim to none and I know my OCD stems from a need of control in my life because for so many years I felt like everything in my life was out of my control. But no matter how much I know of how many books I read, how many mindful practices I do the panic I feel after being ‘exposed’ or before exposing myself to a trigger is horrible. I’ve avoided and avoided and avoided to the point where something small now seems and feels like an impossible mountain to climb. It often feels like there isn’t light at the end of the tunnel on the dark days, when I know there is, it’s just going to take some time. Despite this on the outside to those not in my circle my life is a whole picture perfect painting. I run my own business, have a nice car, a nice house, a happy relationship and the of best friends and I’m so grateful for all those things but the reality is much different - behind closed doors and hidden in the closest is the OCD monster. I’ve decided now, after 4 years it’s time to change. I’m breaking the cycle and starting anew. The irony that 4 is my safe number too and it’s been 4 years since things started to get dark. I’m ready to lose control and find myself again. Why am I writing this? Honestly, I really don’t know. I found this app recently and hope it can be a help for my ERP practices I’ve been practicing on my own and it’s actually the first time I’ve ever openly posted or spoken about my OCD to date. For years I have lived with a huge amount of shame and embarrassment, hiding my issues from everyone - even my closest friends have no idea how much it impacts my day to day. I’ve felt shame as I can’t control my own mind despite knowing the thoughts are irrational and the rituals only provide temporary relief but each day again and again the safety blanket of the rituals wraps me up and takes over. The only person who truly knows how much it affects me is my partner, who has been by my side through it all, he’s burnt out and has seen first hand the impact it has had on me, my life and my happiness. I’ve sheltered him as much as I can, but I’m sure those who are in relationships with OCD can relate to the burnout their partner feels day in day out. So that’s my story, I hope those going through similar can take comfort in this and know they aren’t alone in it all as my OCD has made me feel so incredibly lonely, isolated and empty for 4 years too long. It feels freeing to finally share my monster and I hope I can connect with others who are on a similar journey to me. The biggest thing I want to be able to do again? I want to be able to hug my loved ones without feeling triggered, I want to go outside and enjoy life without worry, I want to live again. This app has made me feel seen for the first time in a long time and reading your stories, your experiences and how you’re coping is comforting, encouraging and makes me feel less alone ❤️ thank you for reading x
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