*Long post so apologies. I just wish someone can understand where I am coming from and share their thoughts / emotions or experiences* I have not been diagnosed by a professional about my mental health, but I am pretty sure I experience OCD and anxiety on a daily basis. It all started from being really sick when I was little .. A bug hit me that I had never dealt with before that had caused me to throw up profusely. After this, from since I can remember I am “scared” of germs. If I knew someone was sick, I would contaminate myself from them and avoid all contact. I used to bring my own cutlery to restaurants. I have to wash my hands and use hand sanitiser most of the time. If I start to feel a little bit ‘icky’ I would be on google search to find out if I had symptoms of the bug. It has become such a strain and I have really bad anxiety about the fact of not wanting to be sick. I avoid eating in low rated hygiene places and I have to double check that certain foods are cooked / prepared (ie: chicken) is cooked properly. ... My other OCD situation is a little bit different and I’m unsure as to why and what. I have intrusive thoughts in my head that range from: not wanting to drive in the fear of a car crash. ??? Or I get worried sick knowing that my family and/or partner are driving long distances in fear that I will lose them to an accident. I make sure that they message me during and after commuting so my mind is at ease. I also have a distressing time processing about my childhood; I was once sexually abused that still makes me feel sick to this day. But because of this ... I have had thoughts of sexual “exploration” with my sibling who has nothing to do with my abusive past????? Nothing has happened between me and my sibling of course .. but my OCD is creating false memories that I can’t seem to get rid off? It makes me feel so sick and that I can not live with myself because of this. I then try to flashback all the memories of my past to see if there is some truth about it but it just ends up making things worse ???? I’m just really struggling in my current relationship because of this as it’s not the most comfortable or normal thing to talk about. Any help would be highly appreciated as I feel like I’m losing my mind over it. Sorry for the long text, there is more to it but I just wanted some of you to get the brief understanding of things.

Wow I relate. The memories feel so real right. However let’s say even if they are. Your a good person because your bothered by it. Hugs

But these ‘sexual exploration’ thoughts has just been recent. I am so unsure on where they have come from. Surely if this was true, I would of suffered in guilt a lot longer? In my head I know it’s not possible, but there’s part of me that keeps believing that something disgusting has happened. Just makes me sad.

I can really relate to the first thing that you mentioned about being sick. That's the main issue that I'm dealing with at the moment. Unfortunately I don't have any advice, but I figured that it'd help you to know that you're not alone. It's a real pain in the a** especially for my boyfriend because I'm always asking him to make sure if my food is cooked all the way. If I see any pink on chicken I'll panic but he tells me that for dark meat that's normal, so now I go for the white meat instead. I'm not going to sugarcoat it... My OCD is ruining my life. The last point that you brought up, about the sexual abuse... I'm not in that same position, but some part of me panics at the thought that maybe when I was younger I was... Because, well... This is really difficult for me to be somewhat openly talking about and I've never told a soul, but I feel very uncomfortable when my family touches me. I genuinely don't believe that they have ever sexually assaulted me, but my head has got me thinking otherwise. I get these really bad intrusive thoughts, sometimes about sex with family members & it's very very unsettling. I just can't shake them though & I can't talk about it because I'm so unbelievably uncomfortable at the thought of that. When I was in first or second grade, my best friend lived next door. He and I were inseparable. But we were curious kids & I'd let him touch me (with clothes on) & one time my mom saw his hand by my privates & she got very mad. That made me feel really bad and dirty and from that point on I just feel really weird about sex. Idk if it was from that experience or not, but yeah. Sorry I rambled this probably is super off topic with what you posted.

For the excessive worry part that you mentioned in the middle, me too. I've always been a nervous person, even as a little kid. Back when I was younger (around the same age as my previous comment), I'd cry and be very very upset and my parents would ask me why. I clearly remember the one day I was standing in the kitchen and I was crying because I was scared that my mom was going to die. I had no reason to believe that she would.. she wasn't sick or anything, I was just terrified at the thought of it.

@icepenguin19 I’m so glad that you can relate. Some people think that I’m snobby because I don’t like using public bathrooms or not eating certain foods.. but reality is; it’s my OCD. They don’t understand and I cba to explain it as some individuals are just ignorant. Relating back to the last part - I totally get it. I hate when family members and friends want to smother me with affection or want to be playful. It makes me uncomfortable too which is why I can be quite abrupt and rude sometimes. Also, kids will be kids and sexual exploration is considered normal sometimes within set boundaries and innocence. I wouldn’t feel so bad about my situation if it wasn’t thoughts about my brother; as its completely different when it’s your own skin and blood. :( So embarrassing.

It's definitely not easy, especially since most people have never been in our positions. OCD is a hard thing to explain and unless you have dealt with it you probably won't ever really understand it. I've been trying really hard to not get mad at my bf when he doesn't understand why I do what I do, because thankfully he has no idea what it's like. Yes, he never did anything without me giving permission. We still sometimes talk even though we've both moved away, but I can't help but wonder if he remembers what I do about our friendship. Oh yeah, I don't have any siblings so I'm not sure what that's like. For me it's my parents and cousins. I'm adopted so it's not my own skin and blood but it's still super uncomfortable.