- Date posted
- 5y
- Date posted
- 5y
i think it’s really nice how you’re doing this for him :) now there is one thing that you can’t do under any circumstances, you’re not allowed to reassure him in any way at all, like saying ‘it’s okay’. this is because it confirms to him that his obsessions aren’t real, and to start to get better with ocd, you always have to believe that your obsessions could possibly be real. but you can be there for him, and look after him when he’s having a hard time. i know this could make you feel helpless, but it has to be done to help him. i suffer from ocd and when i’m really bad all i want is for someone to reassure me, but i won’t let anyone, then when it’s passed it feels really good to know i got through it with the uncertainty of if what i was thinking is valid or not. i hope this helps❤️
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- 5y
Thank you so much! I appreciate your advice. I will definitely not reassure him in any way, I understand that he has to go through it, but I'll be there for him. I'll also learn more about OCD so that I can understand better how he feels. I love your last few sentences - you manage your OCD very well. Wish you luck and sending you love Eva ❤
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- 5y
@Magnilda thank you! and i hope you and your boyfriend are doing okay❤️
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- 5y
@Evaaaaa Actually things got a lot better as we had a talk today. I realized I was reassuring him most of the time thinking that it is the way to help him and I told him about this app and this community and about what I've learned here, and that meant the world to him. After this talk we had he felt more confident and more in control (he could stop his compulsive behaviour :)), but also grateful to have someone who really cares about him and wants to listen to him, which then all lead to him being more relaxed and not having that much of the negative thoughts that he usually has most of the time.
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- 5y
@Magnilda That’s great!!
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- 5y
Very cool of you! I have ocd and my husband got on this app to try to help and it's really brought us together. He has been a huge help, as I'm sure you will be! ?
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- 5y
You are incredible! To truly be there for a loved one who is suffering is one of the most beautiful things that we can do! Everything you said is really good, just one modification, if he’s having an obsessive thought it may be better to not reassure that it’s not accurate- rather, say something like I know this feels super legit but we know it’s ocd talking and we need not give it much credence. When he’s not stuck in obsessions, is a better time to develop better outlook and work on more healthy mindsets. So, in short, maybe don’t say we’re are always going to be safe- just say right now we are safe and that thoughts not reality.
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- 5y
I agree with most of what A brother said, except for the "you are safe now". Giving that response is likely to lead to him needing to hear that phrase more and more frequently. It's still reassurance, still a compulsion that feeds OCD.
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- 5y
@NOCD Advocate - Katie Thank you for the correction @katie
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- 5y
The focus is less on reassurance and more on gaining some objectivity in the moment
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- 5y
Hope that was somewhat helpful:). Regardless though, thank you for reaching out and G-d bless you- you’re a beautiful person
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- 5y
Thank you, your comments are really helpful! I'm really happy that I've discovered this community so that I can hear your thoughts. God bless you!
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- 5y
You sound really dedicated and loyal. Those are qualities to be proud of. Nevertheless, I'm really concerned about your intention to fill the role of a therapist. The role of loved ones in recovery is to be cheerleaders, not coaches. There's a reason therapists have ethical mandates against dating their clients- that kind of dual relationship ends up unhealthy for both people. Instead of reading material about what sufferers of OCD should do to recover, I'd refocus on reading materials aimed at loved ones of people with OCD. I can direct you to some if you want. Ultimately, the best thing you can do is to be empathic while reducing and eventually eliminating accommodation behaviors, including reassurance. This means setting and enforcing boundaries with kindness. When someone we love I'd hurting, we want to take that hurt away and shield them from the negative consequences of their actions. To truly help them, we have to let them feel those emotions and experience those consequences so that they have motivation to do the hard work of changing. You can also highlight the moments when you notice him overcoming a fear. As for the "you are safe. I am safe.. only good things will happen to us..."- that kind of chant will quickly become a compulsion. Besides being full of reassurance, when the same statement is repeated over and over it becomes mechanized. A much healthier response is something like "yes, there's a risk. We don't know the future. I'm going to do x anyway. You can join me or not. It's up to you." And then go do whatever normal thing you were planning to do
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- 5y
Thank you, I know I cannot be his therapist, but I just desperately want to help him. And I just realized that if I really want to help him I have to let him deal with it. Also, I would love to read some materials aimed at loved ones of people with OCD and I would appreciate it if you could recommend me some. ?
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- 5y
@Magnilda There's at least four articles that should fit the bill here https://iocdf.org/expert-opinions/family-issues/
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- 5y
@NOCD Advocate - Katie And two books https://m.barnesandnoble.com/w/loving-someone-with-ocd-karen-j-landsman/1111260523
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- 5y
@NOCD Advocate - Katie https://www.amazon.com/When-Family-Member-Has-Obsessive-Compulsive/dp/1626252467
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- 5y
That’s awesome you are supportive of him in this! My family has helped me by: Giving hugs Letting me cry Small gifts to cheer me up on rough days Financial help for therapy Listening to me Encouraging me not to compiles Validating my struggles Distracting me with laughter, dinner, movies, etc. One really important thing: when they keep living their day, their life, even when I’m having a bad day. When they stay happy and active, it takes the pressure off me to be “fake happy” or withdraw.
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- 5y
Thank you, these are all great ways to show support to your loved one ?
Related posts
- Date posted
- 23w
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- Date posted
- 19w
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- Date posted
- 19w
I personally do not have OCD I am here because I love my bf of 6 years He is a great guy but he is having a hard time with rocd he is currently going through a lot of anxiety with was triggered by us discussing engagement plans This makes me sad because we love each other and I hate seeing a good man having to fight his own mind to be able to be in a relationship with me Someone tell me what to do Point me in the right direction please I am here for him and I will not abandon him I want to go back to him with everything I will learn from you guys Thank you
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