Hello everyone! I am not the one having OCD, but my boyfriend does, and it is combined with depression. He hides it pretty well (he doesn't want to make me or any other person sad) and acts like everything is normal most of the time (makes everyone laugh etc. - like many other depressed people) even though I know he suffers a lot. We know each other on a very deep level and I am the only person who he has told about having OCD and depression, and I just want to help him as much as I can. The thing is that he has a lot of negative thoughts most of the time and if he doesn't do something, for example, claps his hands 8 times, he believes 100% something bad is going to happen to me, like I'm gonna get hurt or something. At the moment it is not possible for him to talk to specialized OCD therapist as there is not one in the area where we live in, but I am confident that I can help him or, even better, guide him, so he helps himself, so that he, at least, suffers less from this. What advice would you give me? I know that I shouldn't be too pushy or telling him what I think he should do. I just want him to know that I'm there for him and that, even though I cannot understand what he's going through, I can at least educate myself about OCD (I've seen some self-help books you posted here) and talk to him about what I've read, because I think it is better to talk about it rather than him hiding it and suffering in silence.. This is how I thought I could help him: When I see or when he tells me that compulsions are happening or going to happen, I'm gonna let him know that he is not going through this alone and that he can trust me. Then I will ask him to tell me what kind of thoughts are going through his mind at the moment, and if he, for example, tells me that he thinks something bad is gonna happen to me I'm gonna tell him to try not to do any compulsive behaviour and try to, no matter how hard it is at the moment, accept that thought and repeat after me: You are safe. I am safe. We are always going to be safe. Only good things happen to us and always will. I believe that if this is done constantly that it will make his OCD more managenable (and depression as well). I would really appreciate any comment, expert or from a person having a similar experience that my boyfriend has. I really want to help him. Thank you! ❤

i think it’s really nice how you’re doing this for him :) now there is one thing that you can’t do under any circumstances, you’re not allowed to reassure him in any way at all, like saying ‘it’s okay’. this is because it confirms to him that his obsessions aren’t real, and to start to get better with ocd, you always have to believe that your obsessions could possibly be real. but you can be there for him, and look after him when he’s having a hard time. i know this could make you feel helpless, but it has to be done to help him. i suffer from ocd and when i’m really bad all i want is for someone to reassure me, but i won’t let anyone, then when it’s passed it feels really good to know i got through it with the uncertainty of if what i was thinking is valid or not. i hope this helps❤️

Very cool of you! I have ocd and my husband got on this app to try to help and it's really brought us together. He has been a huge help, as I'm sure you will be! ?

You are incredible! To truly be there for a loved one who is suffering is one of the most beautiful things that we can do! Everything you said is really good, just one modification, if he’s having an obsessive thought it may be better to not reassure that it’s not accurate- rather, say something like I know this feels super legit but we know it’s ocd talking and we need not give it much credence. When he’s not stuck in obsessions, is a better time to develop better outlook and work on more healthy mindsets. So, in short, maybe don’t say we’re are always going to be safe- just say right now we are safe and that thoughts not reality.

The focus is less on reassurance and more on gaining some objectivity in the moment

Hope that was somewhat helpful:). Regardless though, thank you for reaching out and G-d bless you- you’re a beautiful person

You sound really dedicated and loyal. Those are qualities to be proud of. Nevertheless, I'm really concerned about your intention to fill the role of a therapist. The role of loved ones in recovery is to be cheerleaders, not coaches. There's a reason therapists have ethical mandates against dating their clients- that kind of dual relationship ends up unhealthy for both people. Instead of reading material about what sufferers of OCD should do to recover, I'd refocus on reading materials aimed at loved ones of people with OCD. I can direct you to some if you want. Ultimately, the best thing you can do is to be empathic while reducing and eventually eliminating accommodation behaviors, including reassurance. This means setting and enforcing boundaries with kindness. When someone we love I'd hurting, we want to take that hurt away and shield them from the negative consequences of their actions. To truly help them, we have to let them feel those emotions and experience those consequences so that they have motivation to do the hard work of changing. You can also highlight the moments when you notice him overcoming a fear. As for the "you are safe. I am safe.. only good things will happen to us..."- that kind of chant will quickly become a compulsion. Besides being full of reassurance, when the same statement is repeated over and over it becomes mechanized. A much healthier response is something like "yes, there's a risk. We don't know the future. I'm going to do x anyway. You can join me or not. It's up to you." And then go do whatever normal thing you were planning to do

That’s awesome you are supportive of him in this! My family has helped me by: Giving hugs Letting me cry Small gifts to cheer me up on rough days Financial help for therapy Listening to me Encouraging me not to compiles Validating my struggles Distracting me with laughter, dinner, movies, etc. One really important thing: when they keep living their day, their life, even when I’m having a bad day. When they stay happy and active, it takes the pressure off me to be “fake happy” or withdraw.