- Date posted
- 5y
- Date posted
- 5y
i think it’s really nice how you’re doing this for him :) now there is one thing that you can’t do under any circumstances, you’re not allowed to reassure him in any way at all, like saying ‘it’s okay’. this is because it confirms to him that his obsessions aren’t real, and to start to get better with ocd, you always have to believe that your obsessions could possibly be real. but you can be there for him, and look after him when he’s having a hard time. i know this could make you feel helpless, but it has to be done to help him. i suffer from ocd and when i’m really bad all i want is for someone to reassure me, but i won’t let anyone, then when it’s passed it feels really good to know i got through it with the uncertainty of if what i was thinking is valid or not. i hope this helps❤️
- Date posted
- 5y
Thank you so much! I appreciate your advice. I will definitely not reassure him in any way, I understand that he has to go through it, but I'll be there for him. I'll also learn more about OCD so that I can understand better how he feels. I love your last few sentences - you manage your OCD very well. Wish you luck and sending you love Eva ❤
- Date posted
- 5y
@Magnilda thank you! and i hope you and your boyfriend are doing okay❤️
- Date posted
- 5y
@Evaaaaa Actually things got a lot better as we had a talk today. I realized I was reassuring him most of the time thinking that it is the way to help him and I told him about this app and this community and about what I've learned here, and that meant the world to him. After this talk we had he felt more confident and more in control (he could stop his compulsive behaviour :)), but also grateful to have someone who really cares about him and wants to listen to him, which then all lead to him being more relaxed and not having that much of the negative thoughts that he usually has most of the time.
- Date posted
- 5y
@Magnilda That’s great!!
- Date posted
- 5y
Very cool of you! I have ocd and my husband got on this app to try to help and it's really brought us together. He has been a huge help, as I'm sure you will be! ?
- Date posted
- 5y
You are incredible! To truly be there for a loved one who is suffering is one of the most beautiful things that we can do! Everything you said is really good, just one modification, if he’s having an obsessive thought it may be better to not reassure that it’s not accurate- rather, say something like I know this feels super legit but we know it’s ocd talking and we need not give it much credence. When he’s not stuck in obsessions, is a better time to develop better outlook and work on more healthy mindsets. So, in short, maybe don’t say we’re are always going to be safe- just say right now we are safe and that thoughts not reality.
- Date posted
- 5y
I agree with most of what A brother said, except for the "you are safe now". Giving that response is likely to lead to him needing to hear that phrase more and more frequently. It's still reassurance, still a compulsion that feeds OCD.
- Date posted
- 5y
@NOCD Advocate - Katie Thank you for the correction @katie
- Date posted
- 5y
The focus is less on reassurance and more on gaining some objectivity in the moment
- Date posted
- 5y
Hope that was somewhat helpful:). Regardless though, thank you for reaching out and G-d bless you- you’re a beautiful person
- Date posted
- 5y
Thank you, your comments are really helpful! I'm really happy that I've discovered this community so that I can hear your thoughts. God bless you!
- Date posted
- 5y
You sound really dedicated and loyal. Those are qualities to be proud of. Nevertheless, I'm really concerned about your intention to fill the role of a therapist. The role of loved ones in recovery is to be cheerleaders, not coaches. There's a reason therapists have ethical mandates against dating their clients- that kind of dual relationship ends up unhealthy for both people. Instead of reading material about what sufferers of OCD should do to recover, I'd refocus on reading materials aimed at loved ones of people with OCD. I can direct you to some if you want. Ultimately, the best thing you can do is to be empathic while reducing and eventually eliminating accommodation behaviors, including reassurance. This means setting and enforcing boundaries with kindness. When someone we love I'd hurting, we want to take that hurt away and shield them from the negative consequences of their actions. To truly help them, we have to let them feel those emotions and experience those consequences so that they have motivation to do the hard work of changing. You can also highlight the moments when you notice him overcoming a fear. As for the "you are safe. I am safe.. only good things will happen to us..."- that kind of chant will quickly become a compulsion. Besides being full of reassurance, when the same statement is repeated over and over it becomes mechanized. A much healthier response is something like "yes, there's a risk. We don't know the future. I'm going to do x anyway. You can join me or not. It's up to you." And then go do whatever normal thing you were planning to do
- Date posted
- 5y
Thank you, I know I cannot be his therapist, but I just desperately want to help him. And I just realized that if I really want to help him I have to let him deal with it. Also, I would love to read some materials aimed at loved ones of people with OCD and I would appreciate it if you could recommend me some. ?
- Date posted
- 5y
@Magnilda There's at least four articles that should fit the bill here https://iocdf.org/expert-opinions/family-issues/
- Date posted
- 5y
@NOCD Advocate - Katie And two books https://m.barnesandnoble.com/w/loving-someone-with-ocd-karen-j-landsman/1111260523
- Date posted
- 5y
@NOCD Advocate - Katie https://www.amazon.com/When-Family-Member-Has-Obsessive-Compulsive/dp/1626252467
- Date posted
- 5y
That’s awesome you are supportive of him in this! My family has helped me by: Giving hugs Letting me cry Small gifts to cheer me up on rough days Financial help for therapy Listening to me Encouraging me not to compiles Validating my struggles Distracting me with laughter, dinner, movies, etc. One really important thing: when they keep living their day, their life, even when I’m having a bad day. When they stay happy and active, it takes the pressure off me to be “fake happy” or withdraw.
- Date posted
- 5y
Thank you, these are all great ways to show support to your loved one ?
Related posts
- Date posted
- 20w
Hey guys! My boyfriend has said recently that he doesn't know if he's strong enough to continue with our relationship because of my OCD. He wants to see me overcome my symptoms and learn to live a healthy life with OCD, but my anxieties and obsessions are starting to really affect his life. I understand his reasoning, it's hard to see someone you care about struggle with OCD, especially when it starts to affect you too. I'm asking for tips to deal with my compulsions in the relationship. I HAVE to know the answer to things and sometimes that leads into arguments because even with apologies and discussions I can't let things go, even if they genuinely don't matter or are miniscule issues we have. It's a healthy relationship otherwise but I feel horrible because it's impacting him so negatively, that's the absolute last thing I want to happen. I care for him deeply and he cares for me too, so I don't want my OCD to be a reason we break up but I fear it's headed in that direction. I'm starting therapy soon, but until then what are some things I can do to stop my ROCD from impacting him? I know sitting in the guilt and anxiety of not completing my obsessions will help, but I'm wondering if there are other things I can do to maybe remedy some of the damage already done.
- Date posted
- 19w
Hello i got this app hoping to maybe find some support for my partner i thought about reddit but reddit has become a hateful place and i figured this is a safe place. i love my partner more than anything and he’s been struggling with OCD his whole life he has a hard time talking about it with anyone because it’s too painful he’s stated that it’s gotten worse as he’s gotten older His biggest issue right now is overwhelming thoughts of his actions having tragic outcomes and being unable to stop these obsessive thoughts (such as needing to check out door handle 5 times to make sure it’s locked but still panicking that it’s unlocked) he’s not open to one on one therapy or meds although he loves learning and watching informative videos i fear he’s afraid to confront his OCD or just afraid nothing will help i really wanna help him live a stress free and happy life he deserves it would anyone possibly have any ways to naturally help with OCD or recommend any great individuals that could share techniques on managing OCD or helping your partner with OCD? i would very much appreciate it!
- Date posted
- 18w
(long read ahead, sorry lol) I’ve struggled with ocd for as far back as I can remember. I find that it gets worse with stress, and recently I’ve really been struggling with the contamination aspect of my ocd. I’m worried about it becoming unmanageable and negatively affecting my relationship with my partner. I’ve been living with my boyfriend since January (got kicked out of my house a week after I turned 18, it’s for the better though my house is toxic as hell) and I love living with him, but him and his family aren’t as concerned with cleaning as I am used to. My boyfriend and I have been together going on 2 years and there’s been many times throughout our relationship that his struggle with depression severely impacted his ability to keep up with cleaning his room. This is something I completely understand because I’ve struggled with it too so i’ve often helped him clean, and since i’ve moved in he’s done so much better at keeping up with cleaning (especially because he knows about my issues with clutter, mess, germs, etc.) He is really good at being accommodating towards my needs (not overly so, i’m aware that recovering includes accepting being uncomfortable), but it’s so hard for me to differentiate between what is the normal standard for cleanliness and hygiene and what’s excessive and unhealthy. I get so stressed out every single day over the thought of how dirty everything is. He has 3 cats that mainly stay in his room (he has a catio attached to his window/side of the house) and dogs which stay on the opposite side of the house and backyard, so there is fur everywhere constantly (i’m also allergic to cats but it’s not severe). I can’t stop thinking about how they are getting germs from their litter box all over everything. They also used to piss under his bed and in his closet when his room used to be a mess and it’s soaked into the floor so no matter what it stinks. It’s so hard to bring myself to walk around the house without slippers because my feet will get visibly dirty and my socks would get covered in hair. I always think about how my boyfriend sometimes walks on the rugs in the bathroom in shoes and all the germs that spreads. There’s so many more things but this is already getting long and I am shaking just thinking about how unclean everything is. I want to deep clean the entire house myself so I can get it to where It’s not like psychological torture everyday and it’s easier to maintain but I have been so busy I don’t have the time. I am worried about my boyfriend thinking I don’t like living with him or that I think that’s he’s dirty but i don’t. We have had several conversations about this and he’s reassured me that he knows none of my obsessive thoughts are personal but I still feel so bad about it. I would like to get therapy to help work through this but currently that is not an option for me. I know things will get better once I get through the main things in my life that are causing a lot of stress and therefore making my ocd flair up, but I need advice on what to do in the mean time. I keep having moments where all I can do is shake and cry and clean and I feel bad for my poor boyfriend who can only sit next to me and try to comfort me or help me clean. I also don’t want to make him worried that nothing he does is enough for me (i’ve also already talked to him about this and told him about how I can never even be clean enough for myself and that I don’t think he’s dirty). There’s been many times where I want to tell him to do things that I think might be my own unhealthy compulsions (ex. not wearing shoes in the house or in our room, not getting into bed with socks on, making sure to completely dry off before getting out the shower, put makeup and jewelry back where they belong right after using them, etc.) but i can’t tell if they’re reasonable or not and i try to not tell him unless it’s something that severely distresses me. I’m aware that everything is going to have germs no matter what and have been using NER’s to help manage my thought spirals/rumination. I know that I shouldn’t keep doing compulsions because it just offers temporary relief and makes the problem worse because nothing will ever be enough. I just feeling so overwhelmed and hopeless and exhausted and want some feedback.
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