luchalysol

Date posted: 5y

I need some serious help and I don't start treatment until the 20th and my therapist is on vacation. My thoights have gotten so much worse, to the point that I think they warrant me getting reported. I don't wanna harm/kill anyone but my thoughts make it seem like Im a psychopath who does have a plan. I had to call the suicide hotline to make sure I didn't do anything. Id rather be locked up than to harm anyone. But just thinking of me failing at being a good mom to my son is what crushes me. Ive had panic attack after panic attack and Ive cried so much I just can't cry anymore. Im numb and disgusted with myself. I wish this was all just a nightmare

Harm OCD

Ben84

Date posted: 5y

Did calling the hotline help? You can call again ☺.

luchalysol

Date posted: 5y

It did for a little bit, I had the breakdown in the shower after that. Im at work right now. I feel miserable

Ben84

Date posted: 5y

@luchalysol I've been in your position on more than one occasion over the years. If you can, go through the motions the best you can and be compassionate with yourself about what you're able to do.

luchalysol

Date posted: 5y

@Ben84 I just wanna be happy and healthy for my son. Im trying my best to deal with it but its getting harder and harder. Im scared Imma lose this battle

luchalysol

Date posted: 5y

My therapist is on vacation. Im much calmer now, but Im afraid

Ben84

Date posted: 5y

I'm glad you're calmer now☺. The SOS feature unfortunately won't put you in contact with a therapist, but it will walk you through some things a therapist might ask and do in a moment like you're experiencing.

luchalysol

Date posted: 5y

@Ben84 Im getting calmer. Ocd keeps telling me not to cause or else it means I do wanna hurt/kill someone but it isn't true. Can't shake the guilt I feel.

Ben84

Date posted: 5y

Well got past the first obstacle ☺. Now the next one is believing that calmness equals wanting to do it. Continue sitting with the uncertainty and go about your job. You're doing well ☺!

luchalysol

Date posted: 5y

Im trying. I really do appreciate you taking the time to respond. I feel so bad over my thoughts. Im hoping Im not the exception and Im not the only one dealing with these kinds of thoughts. Im at the point where Id rather have supervised visits with my son and Im willing to do that just to stay in his life

Ben84

Date posted: 5y

@luchalysol Well you're not alone. I remember having similar thoughts of being okay with living in an institution if it meant others were safe. One time my thoughts got so bad I froze up at work and spent 4 days in the hospital. It wasn't so bad. Feel free to keep posting/checking in ☺.

luchalysol

Date posted: 5y

@Ben84 Thank you! Im hoping I can be ok one day

Ben84

Date posted: 5y

I hope your treatment goes well ☺!

luchalysol

Date posted: 5y

Thank you! ??

Vishu97

Date posted: 5y

The mere fact that u don’t want to harm anyone is the proof that u r not what ur ocd tells u. This is what it is. Ocd attacks the thing u love and makes u feel guilty about it. Don’t panic. Be in the moment. Like if u r watching a movie watch it completely knowing each and every character and don’t fasten the process. Do this for everything u do. Slowly make this ur habit. I am telling u if u dont give up u will feel so happy and lucky in the end.

luchalysol

Date posted: 5y

I truly hope so. I keep twlling myself that Id rather cut off my arms or kill myself before harming anyone. Even if my thoughts tell me or make me believe I do. Im also completely open to only being able to see my son under supervision while I recover. I just wanna keep my loved ones safe.

Vishu97

Date posted: 5y

I have been through this. Trust me everything will be fine. Just let the thoughts come be there and let them go. Don’t judge yourself. Trust yourself. If the thought of killing yourself before killing anyone comes it’s speaks for your kindness and it is proof u want to do anything. Ocd confuses us like this only. Don’t give up. Keep up.

luchalysol

Date posted: 5y

Even before ocd got a hold of me, id always say the same. I remember being asked about a possible apocalypse where there was a food shortage and we had to resort to cannibalism. Id rather die. Not asking for reassurance, but Im genuinely telling the truth. But my ocd makes me believe that Im lying.

Vishu97

Date posted: 5y

It will do this only until u accept that it’s a disorder and separate yourself from ur disease. You aren’t a psychopath. Neither a cannibal or any crazy person. Ocd gives u irrational thoughts and if u start talking to those thoughts u will repeat the cycle. Don’t answer to them. Let them come be confident on u and let them go. Take half hour for u in night before sleeping and correct the thoughts u feel which made you overwhelmed. Over time it will surely help u.

luchalysol

Date posted: 5y

I was able to do this for a long time with my depression and ptsd, but ocd has been more difficult. I try not to answer to them ans then it makes me feel guilty. Ill have thoughts of ill will on others when they tell me stories. I feel so horrible about it. Its not what I want. Its like having 2 identities.

Ocdmomma

Date posted: 5y

Isn’t this sad? That thoughts can do this to us? I once told my husband to put hand cuffs on me because I didn’t want to hurt him or my daughter ? now, he works everyday and I’m home alone with her all day and currently she’s on my chest sleeping.. I still get thoughts and they can still sometimes be scary but I’m doing much better

luchalysol

Date posted: 5y

It is. It feels like you're such a horrible person and makes you feel like you're unworthy of the people you love. I wish I didn't have them and could be normal. I feel you girl. How old is your little one?

Ocdmomma

Date posted: 5y

I started getting them while pregnant. I remember having the thought “what if I drop her” then it turned into what if I did that on purpose, and then it spiraled. I remember being on the way to have her and thinking omg what if I throw her while we’re supposed to be having skin to skin time (didn’t happen). Breastfeeding during the nights by myself were the absolute worst with my thoughts. And, everytime I took her to the doctors and they would ask “are you having any thoughts of hurting her” my heart sank as I said no and felt like a liar. It’s still hard sometimes and she’s almost 1

luchalysol

Date posted: 5y

Im so sorry. PP ocd is very real. Are you currently getting help? If not I highly recommend you do. I had a similar experience when I had PPD, I started to worry about me developing thoughts of harming him. I felt so much better once I started therapy. Unfortunately, Im now experiencing what I feared, almost 7yrs later. But treatment is super important. Its not healthy to suffer in silence as it can get worse.

Ocdmomma

Date posted: 5y

I’ve actually done work with Ali Greymond and a therapist face to face and feeling a lot better

luchalysol

Date posted: 5y

That's awesome! Super glad you're getting help. The road to recovery gets easier.

Ben84

Date posted: 5y

I know 10 days can seem like a long time, but you can make it ☺. Another thing you might try is the SOS feature on the app. Just click Therapy on the bottom.

Alyosha

Date posted: 5y

A couple of suggestions that might help: IOCDF lists OCD support groups. There aren’t many, but maybe there might be one in your area. You can text the crisis hotline at 741741 and, while avoiding asking for reassurance, just let them know you need someone to “be there” while you’re de-escalating from a panic attack. Heads up: there might be a wait time. I know it can be hard to be in agony and to only have 2-4 hours a month with a therapist. So I hope these suggestions help for broadening your resource pool. Hang in there. You can do this.

Alyosha

Date posted: 5y

I’m curious: how did the hotline respond to your harm fears? Like, did they realize it was OCD, or did they pull some kind of “Call the cops if you’re gonna hurt somebody”?

luchalysol

Date posted: 5y

@Alyosha I mentioned to the lady that I have ocd. She did give me a lot of reassurance. I was so numb towards the end that I couldn't even cry and was just calm. After the call, in the shower, I had the thought of cutting my hands off to not cause any harm. I kept crying without tears, asking my son for forgiveness. Yelling at my brain to leave me alone. My son js with his father in another state right now so I know he is safe. But I feel so horrible for wanting to be in his life but feeling like I can't because of these thoughts.

Alyosha

Date posted: 5y

@luchalysol That sounds really, really hard. I believe you can get through this, and that you can be there for your son and be around him and hug him and do all the things you wish you could do now.

Lena1998

Date posted: 22w

Harm OCD made worse by psychiatrist visit

I went to talk to a psychiatrist based off my Nocd therapists recommendation. I had a very hard week beforehand where I had anxiety so bad I couldn't leave my bed. It seems like once I get my period my anxiety and everything dissipated some so I talked to the psychiatrist. Anyways, I was immediately put off by her because she told me she didn't have any information on me included in the referral for one reason or another. So I had to basically "fill her in" on my life story. I have anxiety disorder, panic disorder, OCD and PTSD. I told her these things and how hard the last week had been. She started asking questions like I had bipolar disorder, which I don't have. She then wanted me to take buspar and Zoloft TOGETHER daily. I know for a fact you never start two medications daily at once. You don't know which one is causing symptoms if you do. So I immediately didn't like that. I asked her about Zoloft specifically daily because it is an SSRI what I should do if it gave me thoughts of harm for myself. She told me "just go to the hospital".... Now, I don't wanna say that was the worst possible thing she could have said to me, but it was. Because now my OCD is spiraling that just my general harm OCD thoughts are enough to mean I need to go to the hospital. It had been 2 days and I cannot stop obsessing that maybe I'm depressed or suicidal because of this. I know I don't want anything to happen to me. I love my family and my friends. I am scared of death. But the thought is sticky and it's been so, so frustrating. My anxiety has been so frustrating. I feel so lost and like nothing I'm trying to fix my issues is working very well. NOCD therapy has been one of the only things to help in the long term, but I still get terrified of certain obsessions like suicide. I don't really know what to do, if anyone has any advice or any personal experience that may help, anything would be nice right now. I've felt so lost trying to figure it all out.

Anony1314

Date posted: 17w

I feel like I shouldn't be alive, need help severe

My POCD has spiraled out of control based on me thinking I wanted to cause harm to my child when I moved my elbow based upon the thought to move it. I can't stop feeling guilty about it. I don't want to be taken from her. I need help. I have a therapist but myself next session isn't for a while

POCD

Anony1314

Date posted: 13w

Someone help me please

Please help me. I need support. I just need someone to be up front with me. Tell me the truth. I want to get past it all. I'm struggling STRUGGLING today. My mind is telling me I'm the only one who is dealing with something like this. Idk why I did my biggest fear. I was put on a new medication when this happened which caused me to spiral, my thoughts to be more often, and have insomnia. I have been diagnosed with POCD as well. I woke up in the middle of the night when my child was laying completely cross my chest. I was breathing and having groinal sensations. My mind told me that I assaulted her by this, and I was going to prison for it. My thoughts started going like this, "you're already bad might as well do something else", "no sense in stopping now" "you can finally do what you've always wanted", "what would you do if you could do anything to cause harm" So I had to think of what to do in the moment. The only thing I could think to do was move my elbow towards my child's groin. In the moment it felt like I really wanted to do this. I proceeded to do so, and my elbow touched her groin. I immediately told my child to move off me. I then went back to sleep. When I woke up, I began panicking, confessing to a family member what happened, and crying immensely. I feel like I failed as a mother. I'm in such distress since I started sleeping on the floor to avoid it from happening again, and I got off the medication. I'm so much better OCD wise since I got off the meds. I was the BEST mom months ago before this happened. The thoughts have always bothered me, and I was always scared I would give in and act on them. I'm living my worst nightmare. I feel alone. Felt so wanted in the moment and SO real. Ugh. Could someone just give me some support? (edited)

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