I need some serious help and I don't start treatment until the 20th and my therapist is on vacation. My thoights have gotten so much worse, to the point that I think they warrant me getting reported. I don't wanna harm/kill anyone but my thoughts make it seem like Im a psychopath who does have a plan. I had to call the suicide hotline to make sure I didn't do anything. Id rather be locked up than to harm anyone. But just thinking of me failing at being a good mom to my son is what crushes me. Ive had panic attack after panic attack and Ive cried so much I just can't cry anymore. Im numb and disgusted with myself. I wish this was all just a nightmare

It did for a little bit, I had the breakdown in the shower after that. Im at work right now. I feel miserable

@luchalysol I've been in your position on more than one occasion over the years. If you can, go through the motions the best you can and be compassionate with yourself about what you're able to do.

@Ben84 I just wanna be happy and healthy for my son. Im trying my best to deal with it but its getting harder and harder. Im scared Imma lose this battle

I'm glad you're calmer now☺. The SOS feature unfortunately won't put you in contact with a therapist, but it will walk you through some things a therapist might ask and do in a moment like you're experiencing.

@Ben84 Im getting calmer. Ocd keeps telling me not to cause or else it means I do wanna hurt/kill someone but it isn't true. Can't shake the guilt I feel.

Im trying. I really do appreciate you taking the time to respond. I feel so bad over my thoughts. Im hoping Im not the exception and Im not the only one dealing with these kinds of thoughts. Im at the point where Id rather have supervised visits with my son and Im willing to do that just to stay in his life

@luchalysol Well you're not alone. I remember having similar thoughts of being okay with living in an institution if it meant others were safe. One time my thoughts got so bad I froze up at work and spent 4 days in the hospital. It wasn't so bad. Feel free to keep posting/checking in ☺.

@Ben84 Thank you! Im hoping I can be ok one day

Thank you! ??

I truly hope so. I keep twlling myself that Id rather cut off my arms or kill myself before harming anyone. Even if my thoughts tell me or make me believe I do. Im also completely open to only being able to see my son under supervision while I recover. I just wanna keep my loved ones safe.

Even before ocd got a hold of me, id always say the same. I remember being asked about a possible apocalypse where there was a food shortage and we had to resort to cannibalism. Id rather die. Not asking for reassurance, but Im genuinely telling the truth. But my ocd makes me believe that Im lying.

I was able to do this for a long time with my depression and ptsd, but ocd has been more difficult. I try not to answer to them ans then it makes me feel guilty. Ill have thoughts of ill will on others when they tell me stories. I feel so horrible about it. Its not what I want. Its like having 2 identities.

It is. It feels like you're such a horrible person and makes you feel like you're unworthy of the people you love. I wish I didn't have them and could be normal. I feel you girl. How old is your little one?

Im so sorry. PP ocd is very real. Are you currently getting help? If not I highly recommend you do. I had a similar experience when I had PPD, I started to worry about me developing thoughts of harming him. I felt so much better once I started therapy. Unfortunately, Im now experiencing what I feared, almost 7yrs later. But treatment is super important. Its not healthy to suffer in silence as it can get worse.

That's awesome! Super glad you're getting help. The road to recovery gets easier.

I’m curious: how did the hotline respond to your harm fears? Like, did they realize it was OCD, or did they pull some kind of “Call the cops if you’re gonna hurt somebody”?

@Alyosha I mentioned to the lady that I have ocd. She did give me a lot of reassurance. I was so numb towards the end that I couldn't even cry and was just calm. After the call, in the shower, I had the thought of cutting my hands off to not cause any harm. I kept crying without tears, asking my son for forgiveness. Yelling at my brain to leave me alone. My son js with his father in another state right now so I know he is safe. But I feel so horrible for wanting to be in his life but feeling like I can't because of these thoughts.

@luchalysol That sounds really, really hard. I believe you can get through this, and that you can be there for your son and be around him and hug him and do all the things you wish you could do now.