I have been dealing with scrupulosity since I was around 12 it usually revolved around my family but has spread to my everyday life. I like to write, to draw and to think up stories to write down. For the past six or seven months I have been obsessed on and off worrying that God doesn't want me making up stories or even imagining things including my future. I keep having these thoughts that say "You don't love God more than this." Then I have a feeling that makes we worry that I don't. So the thoughts go back and forth "do you love this more than God?" I say "of course not." Then I get a feeling that makes me feel like God wants me to stop thinking and just try really hard not to actively think so I find myself praying reptively be to figure out if thats what God wants. When I ignore it, I feel like I am disobeying God. I feel like I will end up loving writing more than God if I don't listen. The ocd keep asking me if I would stop imagining stories and writing and drawing forever if God wanted me to and I tell it "yes," I have stopped for several months before this but I don't want to if I don't have to. This is a horrible obsession and when I fall into it and realize what it is, I feel like I cannot carry on drawing or whatever because I messed up too badly and God will be angry at me if I do. I keep worrying that I secretly don't care what God wants I regards to my hobby and I would just keep on doing it anyway, of I really cared I would stop as soon as the ocd made me feel like it was Him, but deep down I know that isn't true. Why is this so hard?

I put a trigger warning because I will be discussing themes of end of times. I feel like I'm not following God's will. God knows ultimately that things were going to speed up end of times wise. A few months ago, I had a random thought to call someone I had affected with past sin and apologize to him although I did not know he was there, my sin affected him. I know he deserves an apology, but I chalked it up to ocd and treated it as such for months fast forward to now I feel like I'm completely against God. Horrifying. It's a complex situation I caused and therefore though I know he deserves an apology I'm really scared as I created a mess of things. I've been praying that God help certain things come to fruition so I could be exposed and help minister to others if that's what He's calling me to do but no answer. Instead horrible images and thoughts and feelings of doom. I see signs to apologize everywhere. I'm at my wits end. Because I tend to get ahead of myself I asked two family members and they said don't and then I see things that say Though people in your life mean well, don't go based on what they say only what God says. I tell God to do His will and I'll follow, do you think He'll listen. I even told Him I straight up don't want to do it, not because He doesn't deserve one, but because last time I apologized to someone else I didn't do it right and it was messy. I feel so evil, like a wolf in sheep's clothing. I also remember looking up morbid things for what???? Only to be disturbed pray about it and leave by why search it up again? I also fantasized alot about guys I've been single forever, late 20s now, I'm trying to go to church and my crush is there and I try to stop thinking about him because I know it's delusional but the thoughts don't leave. I'm so tired I want to stop but stop what? Living? I want to stick to God as close as possible. I'm going crazy.

I am a Christian but keep having unwanted really bad intrusive thoughts about Go liike I am talking strange weird thoughts that make me cry they are so uncomfortable. And then I have doubts from time to time if God is real and I look up evidence that God is real and am worried God's going to be upset that I tried to look up proof of his existence. even though I do believe that he is real. Any other Christians with severe OCD out there that go through this struggle? I just don't want God to hate me or be ashamed of me.

I have a new compulsion where I hit my head over and over again to get really bad thoughts out of my head and I'm getting headaches from them now. It feels impossible to stop 😥 I just became a Christian and I get inappropriate very taboo awful thoughts about God and Idk how to treat them because with my other OCD themes I used to do what my therapist calls opposite action where you act like the thoughts aren't powerful so if you get an intrusive thoughts you would basically say meh, maybe I am maybe I'm not or maybe it will maybe it won't, but with scrupulosity Ocd I don't want to have a nonchalant attitude towards the inappropriate sinful thoughts about God because I don't want God to think I don't care that a horrible thought like that was in my head. So I've started hitting my head. I just don't want God to hate me and I feel ashamed of these thoughts. They make me feel ashamed of myself.