I have been dealing with scrupulosity since I was around 12 it usually revolved around my family but has spread to my everyday life. I like to write, to draw and to think up stories to write down. For the past six or seven months I have been obsessed on and off worrying that God doesn't want me making up stories or even imagining things including my future. I keep having these thoughts that say "You don't love God more than this." Then I have a feeling that makes we worry that I don't. So the thoughts go back and forth "do you love this more than God?" I say "of course not." Then I get a feeling that makes me feel like God wants me to stop thinking and just try really hard not to actively think so I find myself praying reptively be to figure out if thats what God wants. When I ignore it, I feel like I am disobeying God. I feel like I will end up loving writing more than God if I don't listen. The ocd keep asking me if I would stop imagining stories and writing and drawing forever if God wanted me to and I tell it "yes," I have stopped for several months before this but I don't want to if I don't have to. This is a horrible obsession and when I fall into it and realize what it is, I feel like I cannot carry on drawing or whatever because I messed up too badly and God will be angry at me if I do. I keep worrying that I secretly don't care what God wants I regards to my hobby and I would just keep on doing it anyway, of I really cared I would stop as soon as the ocd made me feel like it was Him, but deep down I know that isn't true. Why is this so hard?

I put a trigger warning because I will be discussing themes of end of times. I feel like I'm not following God's will. God knows ultimately that things were going to speed up end of times wise. A few months ago, I had a random thought to call someone I had affected with past sin and apologize to him although I did not know he was there, my sin affected him. I know he deserves an apology, but I chalked it up to ocd and treated it as such for months fast forward to now I feel like I'm completely against God. Horrifying. It's a complex situation I caused and therefore though I know he deserves an apology I'm really scared as I created a mess of things. I've been praying that God help certain things come to fruition so I could be exposed and help minister to others if that's what He's calling me to do but no answer. Instead horrible images and thoughts and feelings of doom. I see signs to apologize everywhere. I'm at my wits end. Because I tend to get ahead of myself I asked two family members and they said don't and then I see things that say Though people in your life mean well, don't go based on what they say only what God says. I tell God to do His will and I'll follow, do you think He'll listen. I even told Him I straight up don't want to do it, not because He doesn't deserve one, but because last time I apologized to someone else I didn't do it right and it was messy. I feel so evil, like a wolf in sheep's clothing. I also remember looking up morbid things for what???? Only to be disturbed pray about it and leave by why search it up again? I also fantasized alot about guys I've been single forever, late 20s now, I'm trying to go to church and my crush is there and I try to stop thinking about him because I know it's delusional but the thoughts don't leave. I'm so tired I want to stop but stop what? Living? I want to stick to God as close as possible. I'm going crazy.

Does anyone feel like God doesn’t care about your desires even tho I know he does I feel like I stop praying about them because I don’t want to make it an idol and he’s not just gonna give it to me. And I feel like I can’t accept the fact he loves me and is caring and I’m not understanding his character like I’m too hard on myself and just think he wants me to suffer. Why does my mind think this way. And when I’m not doing anything Christian related I feel better sometimes but that’s the devil because he wants us to be distracted but then I don’t want to feel stressed trying to read the Bible but don’t want to make Him a checklist