I have been dealing with scrupulosity since I was around 12 it usually revolved around my family but has spread to my everyday life. I like to write, to draw and to think up stories to write down. For the past six or seven months I have been obsessed on and off worrying that God doesn't want me making up stories or even imagining things including my future. I keep having these thoughts that say "You don't love God more than this." Then I have a feeling that makes we worry that I don't. So the thoughts go back and forth "do you love this more than God?" I say "of course not." Then I get a feeling that makes me feel like God wants me to stop thinking and just try really hard not to actively think so I find myself praying reptively be to figure out if thats what God wants. When I ignore it, I feel like I am disobeying God. I feel like I will end up loving writing more than God if I don't listen. The ocd keep asking me if I would stop imagining stories and writing and drawing forever if God wanted me to and I tell it "yes," I have stopped for several months before this but I don't want to if I don't have to. This is a horrible obsession and when I fall into it and realize what it is, I feel like I cannot carry on drawing or whatever because I messed up too badly and God will be angry at me if I do. I keep worrying that I secretly don't care what God wants I regards to my hobby and I would just keep on doing it anyway, of I really cared I would stop as soon as the ocd made me feel like it was Him, but deep down I know that isn't true. Why is this so hard?

I've struggled with anxiety, depression, and insomnia since I was a young teen and am currently struggling with what seems like scrupulosity (for the past few months I've been fighting with thoughts and feelings that I'm not saved or not good enough to be a Christian and it keeps me up all night half the time). I desperately want help but I'm afraid that I'm just seeking a diagnosis to blame my shortcomings on something other than myself or that going to a therapist would prove that I can't trust in God and go to him first. And the truth is I truly haven't been a good christian and there are many sins I still haven't totally faced and overcome yet and I'm not sure if I ever will be able to. I just don't know how I KNOW if I'm really the problem or if it is OCD. And I'm not looking for reassurance but maybe I am? I just don't know... if it is OCD it also feels like my "obsessions" are constantly morphing and changing and I can't keep up with them. Like I'll go from having existential thoughts to questioning my belief in God to feeling like I'm gonna turn into a creep or lose my mind or turn evil in some way. I'm just so exhausted and need help. I want to be able to turn to Jesus for help but I don't always know how to... I have faith that things will eventually turn out OK but then as soon as a feel secure in that the anxiety and doubt comes back. And even as I'm typing this I'm having thoughts like "its not that bad you just need to toughen up and be patient" and I know that's true but I just feel so alone and like I can't talk to anyone about this and if I do it'll all prove to be true. And as I write this I wonder if I made up all of these thoughts and feelings because I read online and on here about OCD and I'm trying to fit myself into it as an excuse to avoid my real problems... which might just be perfectly true but even if it is I don't know how to fix those problems??? I just want to get out of this loop and be a better person. I don't know if posting this will help. Maybe its even a compulsion in itself. I just want to understand... how do I know if its OCD or if I'm being convicted? Or both?

I have a question for other people with Religious OCD or anyone that can help. Is it normal to feel guilty about not praying, worshiping, reading, etc enough? I struggle everyday feeling like I’m not doing enough and i also struggle to feel God’s presence. Like if I’m doing something or just relaxing enjoying myself I get this feeling like I could read right now and do more. I normally read at night before bed because its the time I’m most alone and not around family (I just like the be able to be personal with God) but when i wait till bed i get this feeling that I’m doing something wrong like that i should have done it at a different time and it would be better. And then I start worrying I’m not putting God first when i try to but i alway fall short. I try to pray every time before I eat, pray generally throughout the day and before bed. I try to listen to Christian music when i can but when i chose sometimes to listen to older music even though there isn’t anything wrong with the songs I feel so guilty because I should have listen to Christian music. I also feel guilty when i enjoy a gift or get a paycheck because its like i don’t want to put anything before God and i don’t want to enjoy this thing because its of the world in a way. Its materialistic. I try to read at least a devotional and the verse of the day and any verses that go along with the devotional i try to take to heart. I do that daily unless I absolutely cant i don’t normally miss a day of that ( i know devotions cant replace reading the Bible by yourself. I try to read like more of the Bible daily but reading the Bible itself sometimes triggers me to worry so Im slowly trying to get into more of my own personal study) I’m really lost in what to do. My anxiety was doing better and i was able to feel God. But for a past few months its been dead I don’t know if I’m worrying to much or something. I try to get into the Bible but everything has become so much more stressful because of how much I worry about how I’m doing in my walk as a Christian. Its like i want to feel God and i want to be better so bad but it wont happen. I know i cant earn anything i just don’t know how to do better. I know i could read more everyone could but what if im not doing it right or just not enough heart put into reading. I have tried but im not sure what to do.

I’m a Christian, but my OCD makes it feel like I’m always disappointing God. I deal with scrupulosity. I remember signing the cross compulsively throughout the night to where I was in physical pain. But the doctrines of, “God died on the cross for you. Stop being in ungrateful.” I was doing this because I had a bracelet with a cross on it, and when I moved my arm in a certain direction it would be an upside down cross. The filthy feeling I felt was so bad, that i felt like it was going being a demon into the room if I didn’t pray. I spent that whole night signing the cross in tears. Then the next morning I got up like nothing happened. I still deal with forms of this. Like feeling God is going to punish me if I sin. So if a bad thing happens in the day, I blame myself. For example, if I listened to a sing with a curse word in it, I would blame myself for things going wrong later in the day. I still do. Not to mention the things I restrict myself from to please Him. Even though I know He is already pleased with me. There is nothing like the depression and dissatisfaction of feeling like a you did something wrong while everyone else can do that same thing freely. I can’t tell the difference between my OCD and conviction. Can any fellow Christians help me out, and give me tips. I already know Jesus loves me, but merely being told that doesn’t help anything.