I dont think my mom understands OCD. She told me she might have a little bit because she keeps checking and checking stuff. How do i even explain its not just that. It’s the endless thoughts and fear and doubt and guilt

Ever since my OCD started when I was 14 (I’m 26 now), I get the biggest relief from confessing to my mother. It is getting harder as the years pass to resist the urge. I always feel like confessing all of my past mistakes and sins, even though a lot of it will upset her. But I always get a wave of calm across my body every time I get reassurance or a reaction from her. Idk why at 26 I feel guilty not telling my mom everything. I don’t even know anymore when it is appropriate to vent to her like a daughter and when it’s my OCD telling me to seek reassurance for the wrong reasons. I think of my past mistakes and feel so guilty around my mother.

I hate how my mind is making me doubt of my intentions when i clearly know that I don’t have any desires to act on my thoughts. It makes my intentions feel so uncertain, and sometimes it would even make me feel like if I wanted to act on my thoughts when I actually don’t, because I wouldn’t be doubting if I did. So since I feel my intentions so uncertain I need to come to an answer, and sometimes it is so damn hard to get that answer, which makes me anxious and disturbed. It would also make me think of my past like, how were you okay without having these thoughts? Or makes me think of my future like, will you be okay without these thoughts? So it would make me think that these thoughts are really desires and I won’t be okay unless I act on them. As horrible as it sounds. And I don’t know if someone gets this too but, it would also make me doubt my feelings. When my family tells me cute things like “I love you” and stuff, I would feel so bad, because my thoughts are towards them. So I would say “ily too” but I feel like an hypocrite saying it, or like I don’t mean it at all, so it makes me doubt if I really love them or not. This is all so overwhelming, and I have gone through so many disturbing and crazy thoughts, feelings and situations, that I don’t know if this might be OCD.

For the longest time I let go of my past mistakes and it didn’t bother me for a while and then all of a sudden it’s like my mind won’t shut up about it and I feel an intense amount of guilt again . Talked to my mom about it a long time ago and also my first therapist (haven’t talked to my current one about it yet) and I asked my mom today if anything that I brought up about my past that I should worry about and she pretty much gave me a lecture that I need to let it go and stop obsessing over it which is easier said than done when you have ocd but hey I can’t expect her to completely understand. I just don’t understand why one day I don’t think about it one bit and then the next I’m having a panic attack and can’t forgive myself because of my past. It’s so frustrating. Any advice? Anyone gone through Real Event Ocd and gotten through it?