My ocd has been bothering me about suicide it’s not a compulsion to do so but it’s bothering me about the fact that what if i am and i’m just bothered by it and don’t want to admit it. Deep down though I know i’m not and that I don’t want to. I’m just bothered by my lack of knowledge in it and with the question that arises as to is it possible to be suicidal and not want to be...any thoughts?

Hi everyone. I've struggled mostly with just order & symmetry OCD, but lately feel like I might be developing suicidal OCD. I find myself often worrying about becoming depressed and that it will cause me to commit suicide, even though when I think about it I really don't want to die. And I feel like worrying about getting depressed and committing suicide is making it more real, and making me depressed and have suicidal thoughts even more. Does anyone else struggle with this? How do you cope / do ERP for it?

2 months ago I fell into existential OCD that left me questioning the meaning of life and if anything was or wasn't real. Became depressed from the thought and eventually through acceptance if never knowing the unknown, I was back to having better days. Well, one day I found myself ruminating about the existential OCD again and had the random thought "Do you think you can keep living like this"? The thought Terrified me. I had been through alot of pain and loss and things but through it all I had never questioned if I could continue living. Since then I've been confused and anxious and tired. I don't know if it's suicidal ideation or suicidal themed OCD. I avoid songs with the word suicide, I stopped watching horror movies and stopped enjoying other things like Ghost Pokémon because they made me think of death and kind of triggered anxiety in me. Sometimes the thoughts feel so real that I'm not sure if it's something I actually want to do or if it's OCD. I've turned to trying to find spirituality and religion to tell myself if I kill myself their may be consequences in an afterlife. Im constantly googling things like "How to make suicidal thoughts go away" and reassuring myself that I wouldn't do it. It still feels real sometimes and it's horrifying. Is there a difference between being genuinely suicidal and suicidal ocd themed?

My question is that did you always can tell that you dont want to do it. It got me to a place where i read "i know i dont want to do it" gets me triggered and sad cause i feel like i dont know. Because if i would know i wouldnt be scared. Sometimes it even feels like i want to do it. I had times when i got angry that im afraid of it, like its makes me angry that i dont want to do it, idk i might misinterpret it. In those moments its really hard to tell what you feel, thats why i dont like to engage in it, last time i tried to see if its my real value to die, and i felt like yes it is and it scared me. I hate when then the feeling that you had enough gets into this too, then these thoughts gets so disturbing and i cant tell what i want. Because of anger its like i follow the thoughts, i dont do anything but its like im changing my values to i rather die. Maybe i misinterpret values with emotions. But in those times its really hard to diffirenciate the two