I’m not very good at telling people what I want, need, think, feel, or “No.” It’s hard to grow up in a family where you’re told you’re the argumentative, brazen fighter who’s too bold only to learn as an adult that this isn’t true, that you’re codependent and can’t speak your mind and can’t tell anybody “no” until finally you just break down crying in your car in the parking lot because you’re so tired of being invisible and unheard and used.

Thanks! My family is so conflict avoidant and passive aggressive that my parents send emails to each when they disagree or write notes on mirrors and memos. They sleep in the same bed (I think...maybe they don’t) and write emails to each other. When were were teens, we were Mom’s closest friends...and a parent’s closest friends should never be her children. It was this weird confusing “Listen to me vent about everything. NO! Don’t share your thoughts and tell me what to do. I’m you’re mother and you’re supposed to treat me like it. Oh, but I just want to be friends and tell you everything I dislike about your father.” And she hated telling us what she wanted us to do, but would get mad at us and punish us with the silent treatment and slamming doors and sighing if we didn’t do it. Not long ago, I was visiting and I sat *at the wrong spot at a table.* she didn’t ask me “Hey, will you please move.” She got all passive aggressive aggressive. She’d talk for forever, but you cant ask her to please stop, or you have things to do, and there’s no space to share your own thoughts. But no. I’m her rebel child who treats her like she’s an idiot, apparently.

And now I struggle to say no to anyone. I listened to someone talk for 90 minutes today because I couldn’t say “I need to go work.”

@Alyosha I can relate to this. My parents don't seem to care what I have to say. When I am with them, they talk like 90%. I am trying to forgive them each day and appreciate the fact that they didn't abuse me growing up. I know a lot of children were abused so I am thankful that at the least my parents were not abusive. I try to surround myself with quality friends who truly love me and are good listeners. I avoid the types that are super aggressive and controlling.

@Alyosha Oh my god, we are really similar EXCEPT that my italian parents yelled and screamed and threw things. But I was definitely my mothers best friend. Her mental health didnt really let her get along with others. She was and is very passive aggressive. I think you saw another post of mine where she asked me (someone with a huge covid fear and contamination ocd) my opinion on her going back to work. When I gave her my opinion and reminded her that I cant control her and she has to make her own decisions, she told me I was controlling her with manipulation and fear. I SO get you about hearing all her adult problems. When I was 5, my parents got in physical fight and my dad left. My mon threw all his stuff in garbage bags and out on the lawn, then called me into her room asking if she should divorce my dad. I was FIVE. I just cried and cried that I wanted my daddy. Like....what?! I have definitely grown. I really started realizing nothing I thought about life and how to live or have relationships with others was normal when I moved away for university and lived full time with well adjusted people. It really set me straight. That and therapy. Now I'm better at telling my mum "no" and that I need boundaries. She still tells me I'm selfish and I use her, but it stings less now and I dont believe it. But living in the time of believing those things....yeesh. it hard!

@Sunflower 1234 It’s not just that Mom doesn’t ask for my thoughts, it’s the being labeled as “brazen” if I voice an opinion different from hers, and the walking on eggshells because I never know what will set her off, and teaching me that it’s wrong to tell people “No.”

@Alyosha I struggle most at work with saying no. Ru Paul has a saying, "If they don't pay your bills, pay them no mind" so I'm better at saying no outside of work. But at work I'm constantly a nervous pushover.

@catattak Thanks, Cat. There was throwing stuff. And she screamed at me sometimes. And these were followed by hours-long lectures into the wee hours of the morning about how difficult her life was.

@Alyosha Wow that is really tough. I am sorry you were being treated that way.

@Alyosha Crap. I can’t believe I’m writing all this. I’m not sure I’m being fair. It’s not like it happened all the time. And it’s not what triggered me now. I’m just frustrated that I’m warring with “Am I a selfish argumentative person??”

@Alyosha Also I have just ended a friendship when I felt like I was being used and it feels so empowering. I want to be kind to people but some people literally don't stop taking advantage of other kindness.

@Alyosha Dont worry that you wrote it. We know it wasnt all the time. Mine wasnt either. Its hard but try to find the difference between assertive and selfish.

Thanks, guys. Man...remembering rough stuff like times she guilted next for wanting to go to bed (all when I was an adult). She guilted me into pulling an all-nighter to paint the laundry room when the house was going for sale. Once the house was on the market, she worked her kids (minors) keeping it clean until they would literally fall asleep on the floor. So yeah. I guess she didn’t teach boundary setting.

@Alyosha Boundaries are so important to learn

Thanks. Absolutely you can.

@Alyosha There's the Assertiveness Workbook by Randy J. Paterson. I've used it a bit on my phone (I wish I had got a hard copy). It might be helpful to you. (I know, just what you need, another workbook ☺)

I hope you will feel better. You seem like a strong person who is resilient. I am sure you have got through other bouts of depression before. This one shall pass too. It is up to you whether you want to keep the post or not. But I have no judgement towards your mom. We are all imperfect people. My parents aren't perfect but like I said earlier that did raise me in a safe and stable environment and for that I am thankful. Keep sharing if you ever feel down. The burden is lighter once it is shared. ❤️

@Sunflower 1234 Thank you so much! You’re such a fighter & encourager. Thanks for your compassion towards my mom.

@Alyosha You were there when I needed encouragement too. It is nice to be part of a community where everyone understands what it is like to struggle with mental health problems.

Well she raised a good person so she sounds like a dynamic person with good qualities too. Take it easy on yourself and have a restful evening :)

Sorry I don't! But maybe a google search of some reviews for ios apps could be helpful!

Need someone to talk to?

@Ben84 What do you do, Ben, when you find yourself pummeled with one negative thought after another after another and made so defensive that you blow your top in a grocery store because your cart’s wheel won’t stop squeaking?

@Alyosha First, I'd go home if possible. Are you home now?

@Ben84 No. I haven’t actually gone to the store yet. That’s kind of a general synopsis of how my week has gone: played chicken with a car as I walked in a parking lot, getting snappy with store people, crying in my car, sitting on the floor in a corner of a room at work emailing my therapist because I can’t get my act together, crying in my car in a parking lot, and nearly leaving the store Saturday because of the cart. So, I’m a little worried about how it’s going to go down at the store (need a tube of paint before tomorrow.) I’ll think I’m ok, and next minute, I’m triggered and angry and emotional. I feel like a hot mess, sometimes.

@Alyosha I’ve had a couple of reay embarrassing incidents of going ballistic—screaming, sobbing—once on the phone with customers, and another time in my car in a parking lot (fortunately, in front of a mental health clinic...they sent somebody out to my car...) and sometimes I feel like it’s going to happen again.

@Alyosha 😟 I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. How about we tackle the store? You have to go before the day is over, correct? I'm just here in my apartment the rest of the evening. Send a message if you find yourself struggling.

@Ben84 Thank you ❤️

@Alyosha Did you make it already ☺?

@Ben84 Yes. It was fine. I was fine. Thank you! At home. Need to cook, but really don’t want to. Going to do a smoothie instead and have decided that’s ok. I need to find that thought journal app Cat mentioned, and find those “calm yourself down” techniques in that manual we’re using in therapy. And write a cheat sheet of it on an index card so I have it on hand if I start spiraling tomorrow. Thanks for listening! I hope the card tricks are going well.

@Alyosha I'm still waiting on that card trick book. I'm hoping it will be better than the one available at the library. I'm glad the trip went well. What kind of smoothie 😊?

@Alyosha Hey! I have an android so here's a link to the app in the google play store :) https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.moodtools.cbtassistant.app

@Ben84 Thanks, Cat!! Ben—banana, blueberry, spinach w/milk, cocoa, & hemp protein powder. I love smoothies.

@Alyosha Could be tasty ☺. Enjoy!