- Username
- Evelyn4416
- Date posted
- 4y ago
you’ve put it into words much better than i could. it is just horrid, and on spike days you wonder if it’s really ocd or if it’s u and you over analyse everything you do to see if you’re enjoying it or if you’re depressed. i’m with you evelyn. i understand x
Yes completely, like you just don’t ever want to think about it 💛
@Evelyn4416 i’m keeping a list of every time i get triggered for science and it’s like 3 times a day and it’s all because i come across suicide stats or mentions and i just don’t understand tbh
@cwllms Like how are we coming across the discussion or mentioning of suicide so often ?? I constantly see it whether it’s set up as a serious discussion, a mention of a person, or just endless jokes on like Twitter
Suicide OCD was like one of my main theme it was horrible. Some days are still a bit frustrating but after 3 month of therapy and work it gets muchhhhhh better, hold on
Thank you for the kind words!
Here’s my hope for you. I’ve struggled with this for over a year and in the past month I can’t remember a day where I had it. There are times throughout the day that it comes up, but just refusing to give it mental space anymore eventually leads to it not showing up. I know it’s only a month but I can say the last couple haven’t been as bad either. I kind of just accepted that it is there and might always be forever so stop worrying about if I would/wouldn’t do what my thoughts said. I was consumed by everything OCD. Content, research etc. just take a break and let it be what it is. Confronting the fears is the way through it!
Thank you so much :)
You are not alone for sure... Your last two paragraphs I could have wrote myself, seriously, verbatim. I am on my 5th week of ERP from Dr. Phillipson's office in NYC. Doing ERP with index cards and working my way up the hierarchy. What is your ERP like?
ERP for me takes a variety of forms- I would do physical exposures such as sitting near or holding an object that I feared could be a weapon for suicide, such as a rope or cables (my biggest fear within suicidal ocd is hangings), sitting in front of my open closest, etc. I would also create scripts of the worst possible situation involving that fear, reading it, and sitting with that discomfort. I would write “what if” sentences/questions/statements on what I feared, again read them and sit with the fear. Outside of scheduled ERP exposures, I try to do about them in my day-to-day with whatever triggers pop up, and instead of ruminating I try to just let it happen or respond with “okay” or “yup so true” or whatever sarcastic response. I found that seems to work- acknowledging that the thought happened and is there, but then redirecting my attention elsewhere. There are times it’s easier to do than others. Lately It’s spiked a bit so it’s easier to ruminate but trying to go back to my tools. It’s comforting to know we aren’t alone in this subtype
hello Evelyn! I know I’m coming across your post WAY past its creation but the way you worded your struggles nearly brought tears to my eyes. every. single. word. of your post details EXACTLY how I’m feeling/what I’m fearing. I would love to hear about your experience with ERP therapy, and how you’re doing now. although I’ll have some good (even great!) days, the fear of suicide even being a “possibility” always lies dormant in the back of my mind. I find myself constantly checking/mentally reviewing my thoughts, feelings, sensations for possible threats that I’ll actually do the unthinkable. I start therapy next week and I’m feeling so optimistic, but at the same time, I can’t imagine NOT living this way forever (my second biggest fear) and would love to hear from someone who has (hopefully) recovered. ♥️
@mamaonamission_x3 Hey there!! I’m just now seeing your reply I’m so sorry about that! I’m so glad you will be starting therapy and ERP soon, that was the biggest turning point for me to start the recovery process. It seems so unreal to not have this fear plaguing you after being tormented for so long, but I can truly say it is possible to overcome it (or at least not having it control your life). I was doing ERP a lot, starting with my therapist and later with myself. The way that line of treatment works doesn’t seem very much of a big deal but it did SO much. It’s been hard over the last few years but it’s been almost a year now where I no longer have those thoughts occupying my mind 24/7. And I didn’t even realize it until one day I thought “huh, I haven’t had those thoughts in a while!” Once in a while something might pop up with the theme, but I know now to just let the thought go, treat it nonchalantly, and move on. The thought just leaves me alone and I can continue my day in peace. So trust that it is possible! It was hard work and took time and patience, but it does work 💛 wishing you the best in your recovery process!!
Suffering from this theme lately? How r u feeling now?
The part wheee you said I wish suicide never existed and wasn’t a thing is something I say to myself every single damn day. This theme is so terrible that (and I know it’s ironic) it sometimes makes me feel like I’d rather just get it over with than be suicidal. It’s so awful. This is the literal worst thing that’s ever happened to me I’m sick of seeing people axt like feeling this way is a joke or funny or normal it’s hell. I hate what’s it’s done to me and my reality and I’m like 178% sure it’s turned into real SI so now I have to deal with that and it’s HELL! the fact that I have to worry about this is the worst part of it and that’s why I feel like I would rather just have someone get it over with for me than be suicidal. I am in erp for this and regular therapy which helps tremendously but I effing hate this it takes up my whole damn way all day. I’m even on meds. I’ve been dealing with this for 6 months. I feel like the ideation part has gotten worse and worse and the fear gotten less and less which makes no sense. I’m so confused
@Ihateocd72 Hey! I'm dealing with this right now. Did you get better?
@Ihateocd72 Wondering how you eventually got rid of the fear? I'm so confused because ocd has caused torment and trauma and it's like making the suicidal theme feel more real. Is that something you dealt with? Would love to chat about it. Seems to be the scariest theme I'm going through. It's like the final boss of all my themes
Hey everyone. I have been struggling with this theme this week. I had a panic attack at the beginning of the week and I got hit with a bunch of suicide intrusive thoughts. That is the last thing on earth I want to do and it hurts me because my mind makes me believe I want to. I get in a really sad dark alone place and sometimes I think about it but also I feel like it is intrusive because I have told myself no matter how bad it gets, no matter how shitty it feels I will not do anything to take my own life. It brings me so much sadness and guilt when I think about those kinds of things. It’s been hard because I have been trying to mindfully redirect and stay in the present moment but the thoughts come back and it makes it so hard to move on or when I’m in a happy moment that feels good my intrusive thoughts just come flooding back. I have tried to accept that those thoughts are there and I need to do things towards my goals and values but it’s been so difficult to accept this feeling and notice those thoughts when they are so against everything I love and it’s so hard when it’s one of my biggest fears. I cry and cry because I’m just so scared of those thoughts and it makes me think I actually want to do it. Anyway has anyone else experienced this? I feel so guilty and sometimes get thoughts that this feeling will never go away even thought I know for a fact I can get past it. Any advice? Or does anyone relate?
2 months ago I fell into existential OCD that left me questioning the meaning of life and if anything was or wasn't real. Became depressed from the thought and eventually through acceptance if never knowing the unknown, I was back to having better days. Well, one day I found myself ruminating about the existential OCD again and had the random thought "Do you think you can keep living like this"? The thought Terrified me. I had been through alot of pain and loss and things but through it all I had never questioned if I could continue living. Since then I've been confused and anxious and tired. I don't know if it's suicidal ideation or suicidal themed OCD. I avoid songs with the word suicide, I stopped watching horror movies and stopped enjoying other things like Ghost Pokémon because they made me think of death and kind of triggered anxiety in me. Sometimes the thoughts feel so real that I'm not sure if it's something I actually want to do or if it's OCD. I've turned to trying to find spirituality and religion to tell myself if I kill myself their may be consequences in an afterlife. Im constantly googling things like "How to make suicidal thoughts go away" and reassuring myself that I wouldn't do it. It still feels real sometimes and it's horrifying. Is there a difference between being genuinely suicidal and suicidal ocd themed?
I think this is the hardest theme I’ve dealt with, it feels so real & the thoughts/sensations are so strong. The thought that really stumps me is when my OCD tells me that I don’t want to live anymore & that I don’t like the life that I have & it’s fueled by a ton of anxiety. If you’ve went through this & got through it please tell me how, I feel like I have to react to my thoughts or something bad will happen.
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