TW rant: suicidal OCD So this has been my major theme for the past year since my onset started. For clarification: I just have suicidal OCD, I’m not actually suicidal Incase there’s confusion about that. Anyways, I am so SICK of hearing about the topic of suicide which seems to be everywhere. You hear a story on the news that some celebrity did it, or other stories that people they knew did it or they themselves attempted it. You hear that people with mental illnesses or those who went through trauma or just being a middle aged white man have higher risks of suicide. On my explore page on Instagram, thanks to the OCD support pages I follow, I get suggested posts about other mental health related things and there’s usually posts about “signs of suicidal people” or whatnot. I’m soooo sick of it. Having suicidal OCD has been extremely hard and scary to have. It seems like anything is a trigger and the unwanted thoughts of it keep popping up (as OCD normally does). A lot of the time it’s aimed toward myself, but a big chunk of it is aimed toward my loved ones, like what if they decided to commit suicide? If I haven’t seen a family member in a little while (they’re chilling in their room or whatever) I get scared they might have killed themselves so I feel the compulsion to check on them, ask if they’re okay and happy etc. But it’s mostly at myself and I hate it so much. I think overall, whether this attack is aimed toward myself or others, it just absolutely terrifies me that anyone could just decided to do it and then just do it? It’s not like fearing a murderer coming to your house or an outside threat, but you’re the threat! And you can’t seem to protect your loved ones from it! I get these fears that I’ll become depressed (I’m not depressed) and eventually desire it or that I’ll spiral from fear and pain and eventually desire it, or that it’ll be like the movie Bird Box where the people in it (after seeing the monster) seemed to go on autopilot and killed themselves. I can’t even see words like “committed” or “attempted” without having my stomach jump. I struggle to get things out of my closet since having an open closet is even a trigger for fear. I just wish suicide never existed, I wish it wasn’t a thing, I wish I’d never think about it, I wish i could move on from this intense fear. (Disclaimer: I’m doing ERP for this and compared to before have been progress, but on my spike days it’s just so frustrating) Thanks for listening 😩

you’ve put it into words much better than i could. it is just horrid, and on spike days you wonder if it’s really ocd or if it’s u and you over analyse everything you do to see if you’re enjoying it or if you’re depressed. i’m with you evelyn. i understand x

Suicide OCD was like one of my main theme it was horrible. Some days are still a bit frustrating but after 3 month of therapy and work it gets muchhhhhh better, hold on

Here’s my hope for you. I’ve struggled with this for over a year and in the past month I can’t remember a day where I had it. There are times throughout the day that it comes up, but just refusing to give it mental space anymore eventually leads to it not showing up. I know it’s only a month but I can say the last couple haven’t been as bad either. I kind of just accepted that it is there and might always be forever so stop worrying about if I would/wouldn’t do what my thoughts said. I was consumed by everything OCD. Content, research etc. just take a break and let it be what it is. Confronting the fears is the way through it!

You are not alone for sure... Your last two paragraphs I could have wrote myself, seriously, verbatim. I am on my 5th week of ERP from Dr. Phillipson's office in NYC. Doing ERP with index cards and working my way up the hierarchy. What is your ERP like?

hello Evelyn! I know I’m coming across your post WAY past its creation but the way you worded your struggles nearly brought tears to my eyes. every. single. word. of your post details EXACTLY how I’m feeling/what I’m fearing. I would love to hear about your experience with ERP therapy, and how you’re doing now. although I’ll have some good (even great!) days, the fear of suicide even being a “possibility” always lies dormant in the back of my mind. I find myself constantly checking/mentally reviewing my thoughts, feelings, sensations for possible threats that I’ll actually do the unthinkable. I start therapy next week and I’m feeling so optimistic, but at the same time, I can’t imagine NOT living this way forever (my second biggest fear) and would love to hear from someone who has (hopefully) recovered. ♥️

Suffering from this theme lately? How r u feeling now?

The part wheee you said I wish suicide never existed and wasn’t a thing is something I say to myself every single damn day. This theme is so terrible that (and I know it’s ironic) it sometimes makes me feel like I’d rather just get it over with than be suicidal. It’s so awful. This is the literal worst thing that’s ever happened to me I’m sick of seeing people axt like feeling this way is a joke or funny or normal it’s hell. I hate what’s it’s done to me and my reality and I’m like 178% sure it’s turned into real SI so now I have to deal with that and it’s HELL! the fact that I have to worry about this is the worst part of it and that’s why I feel like I would rather just have someone get it over with for me than be suicidal. I am in erp for this and regular therapy which helps tremendously but I effing hate this it takes up my whole damn way all day. I’m even on meds. I’ve been dealing with this for 6 months. I feel like the ideation part has gotten worse and worse and the fear gotten less and less which makes no sense. I’m so confused