- Username
- Evelyn4416
- Date posted
- 4y ago
you’ve put it into words much better than i could. it is just horrid, and on spike days you wonder if it’s really ocd or if it’s u and you over analyse everything you do to see if you’re enjoying it or if you’re depressed. i’m with you evelyn. i understand x
Yes completely, like you just don’t ever want to think about it 💛
@Evelyn4416 i’m keeping a list of every time i get triggered for science and it’s like 3 times a day and it’s all because i come across suicide stats or mentions and i just don’t understand tbh
@cwllms Like how are we coming across the discussion or mentioning of suicide so often ?? I constantly see it whether it’s set up as a serious discussion, a mention of a person, or just endless jokes on like Twitter
Suicide OCD was like one of my main theme it was horrible. Some days are still a bit frustrating but after 3 month of therapy and work it gets muchhhhhh better, hold on
Thank you for the kind words!
Here’s my hope for you. I’ve struggled with this for over a year and in the past month I can’t remember a day where I had it. There are times throughout the day that it comes up, but just refusing to give it mental space anymore eventually leads to it not showing up. I know it’s only a month but I can say the last couple haven’t been as bad either. I kind of just accepted that it is there and might always be forever so stop worrying about if I would/wouldn’t do what my thoughts said. I was consumed by everything OCD. Content, research etc. just take a break and let it be what it is. Confronting the fears is the way through it!
Thank you so much :)
You are not alone for sure... Your last two paragraphs I could have wrote myself, seriously, verbatim. I am on my 5th week of ERP from Dr. Phillipson's office in NYC. Doing ERP with index cards and working my way up the hierarchy. What is your ERP like?
ERP for me takes a variety of forms- I would do physical exposures such as sitting near or holding an object that I feared could be a weapon for suicide, such as a rope or cables (my biggest fear within suicidal ocd is hangings), sitting in front of my open closest, etc. I would also create scripts of the worst possible situation involving that fear, reading it, and sitting with that discomfort. I would write “what if” sentences/questions/statements on what I feared, again read them and sit with the fear. Outside of scheduled ERP exposures, I try to do about them in my day-to-day with whatever triggers pop up, and instead of ruminating I try to just let it happen or respond with “okay” or “yup so true” or whatever sarcastic response. I found that seems to work- acknowledging that the thought happened and is there, but then redirecting my attention elsewhere. There are times it’s easier to do than others. Lately It’s spiked a bit so it’s easier to ruminate but trying to go back to my tools. It’s comforting to know we aren’t alone in this subtype
hello Evelyn! I know I’m coming across your post WAY past its creation but the way you worded your struggles nearly brought tears to my eyes. every. single. word. of your post details EXACTLY how I’m feeling/what I’m fearing. I would love to hear about your experience with ERP therapy, and how you’re doing now. although I’ll have some good (even great!) days, the fear of suicide even being a “possibility” always lies dormant in the back of my mind. I find myself constantly checking/mentally reviewing my thoughts, feelings, sensations for possible threats that I’ll actually do the unthinkable. I start therapy next week and I’m feeling so optimistic, but at the same time, I can’t imagine NOT living this way forever (my second biggest fear) and would love to hear from someone who has (hopefully) recovered. ♥️
@mamaonamission_x3 Hey there!! I’m just now seeing your reply I’m so sorry about that! I’m so glad you will be starting therapy and ERP soon, that was the biggest turning point for me to start the recovery process. It seems so unreal to not have this fear plaguing you after being tormented for so long, but I can truly say it is possible to overcome it (or at least not having it control your life). I was doing ERP a lot, starting with my therapist and later with myself. The way that line of treatment works doesn’t seem very much of a big deal but it did SO much. It’s been hard over the last few years but it’s been almost a year now where I no longer have those thoughts occupying my mind 24/7. And I didn’t even realize it until one day I thought “huh, I haven’t had those thoughts in a while!” Once in a while something might pop up with the theme, but I know now to just let the thought go, treat it nonchalantly, and move on. The thought just leaves me alone and I can continue my day in peace. So trust that it is possible! It was hard work and took time and patience, but it does work 💛 wishing you the best in your recovery process!!
Suffering from this theme lately? How r u feeling now?
The part wheee you said I wish suicide never existed and wasn’t a thing is something I say to myself every single damn day. This theme is so terrible that (and I know it’s ironic) it sometimes makes me feel like I’d rather just get it over with than be suicidal. It’s so awful. This is the literal worst thing that’s ever happened to me I’m sick of seeing people axt like feeling this way is a joke or funny or normal it’s hell. I hate what’s it’s done to me and my reality and I’m like 178% sure it’s turned into real SI so now I have to deal with that and it’s HELL! the fact that I have to worry about this is the worst part of it and that’s why I feel like I would rather just have someone get it over with for me than be suicidal. I am in erp for this and regular therapy which helps tremendously but I effing hate this it takes up my whole damn way all day. I’m even on meds. I’ve been dealing with this for 6 months. I feel like the ideation part has gotten worse and worse and the fear gotten less and less which makes no sense. I’m so confused
@Ihateocd72 Hey! I'm dealing with this right now. Did you get better?
@Ihateocd72 Wondering how you eventually got rid of the fear? I'm so confused because ocd has caused torment and trauma and it's like making the suicidal theme feel more real. Is that something you dealt with? Would love to chat about it. Seems to be the scariest theme I'm going through. It's like the final boss of all my themes
Trigger Warning My theme that I struggle with most is that I am developing schizophrenia. I wanted to share this anecdote with everyone in case someone is dealing with family/friends who do not understand what it is like to have OCD. One of the most effective ways for me to manage my OCD is to use humor to deal with it. Often times I will make jokes about it and recently a family member said, “you like having OCD, if you didn’t, you wouldn’t talk about it so much”. What he does not understand is that on the days I am able to laugh at my OCD I am so grateful because on other days all I want to do is lay in bed and worry about having schizophrenia. I didn’t know how to reply to that in the moment, but I want to say to him now is that the reason I make jokes about it is because some days it feels so real and I spend my day: Keeping track of every car in the rear view mirror to make sure that they are actually there and not hallucinations. Plugging my ears with my fingers to make sure that I am not hearing voices. Telling myself that if I have to carry a tray without dropping it to prove I do not have schizophrenia. Going over in my mind overtime I misspeak to try and figure out if it was just a mistake or if it was because I was going crazy and was speaking nonsense. Being very careful while typing because if I make a mistake it might mean I have schizophrenia. Lying in bed until five in the morning reading about schizophrenia. Thinking that if I can’t fall asleep by a certain time it means that my sleep schedule is being affected by schizophrenia. Trying to not look at any buildings where a person with schizophrenia may be treated. Constantly checking my emotions to see if I have them or if I lost them because I might have schizophrenia. Frantically searching for a sound that I heard to make sure it wasn’t a hallucination. Searching for something I may have seen out of the corner of my eye because it might have been a hallucination. Thinking that every time I have an itch it’s actually a tactile hallucination Spending hours thinking about wanting to die if I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Putting my ear on machinery to make sure that I didn’t think that it was talking to me. Everyday looking up percentages and data and calculating them over and over again to calculate the likelihood that I will develop schizophrenia. Spend my day thinking if I actually am enjoying my activates or if I’m faking it because I actually have schizophrenia. Convincing myself that my food is poisoned because that is what a schizophrenic would think. Going over common schizophrenic delusions and checking to see if I believe them too. I am sure that a lot of people in this group struggle with this theme. Even though a lot of people think that OCD is just washing your hands a lot or organizing, know that I know how you feel and I have gotten through the worst of it.
Is there anyone else on here that gave into one of their obsessions? I feel disgusting. I feel like if this app would have been a thing years ago I wouldn’t have. But I’m always with the what if or this would have/could have happened. It makes me question if I even have ocd and maybe I’m just a sociopath (although my previous therapist had told me I definitely do have ocd) being on this app sometimes makes me feel worse like I was such a weak person I let it eat me away until I was going to commit suicide and then decided no maybe I’m just a sociopath let me see. I’m struggling with suicidal thoughts because of it and have been for years. NOTE: please don’t flag this, I am not going to commit suicide. Suicidal thoughts don’t necessarily mean you are premeditating and in my case, I am not. Also I am TERRIBLY sorry if this makes anyones ocd reading this worse and you start to think “maybe I will do something” you most likely WON’T. I’m writing this because I have NEVER seen this side (where you gave in) of OCD written on here by anyone!
TW// SUICIDE im gonna be really honest. i am not doing good. this is the worst ocd theme i have ever had. it feels SO real to me. i look at my self in the mirror and mourn the happy girl i used to be before december of 2019 when my ocd first hit. the fact that i will never be the same scares me and haunts me more than anyone can understand. everyday gets harder and harder no matter how much progress i make. i cant afford therapy right now but i need it so badly. i am genuinely in so much pain. i feel so guilty, and ashamed, and sad all the time. i cant focus on school work or anything anymore. i have had thoughts about suicide because i just want some relief. it hurts so much. i love my boyfriend beyond belief. it makes me so angry that ocd would attach to and manipulate something so pure and beautiful to me.
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