- Username
- zeep
- Date posted
- 4y ago
I can only repeat what the others said: please don't read this masterdoc! I read it about a year ago and I almost have ptsd from the panic and anxiety that I felt in every part of my body, it literally brought me to the lowest point in my history with SOOCD.. before reading the doc I was even ok with the thought of maybe being bisexual and doing really good but the masterdoc made everything so much worse and even to this day the sentences pop up in my head and get stuck 🙈 I would also recommend to install a siteblocker and block reddit from all your devices. It will save you from a whole lot of bad triggers and prevent you from compulsively seeking reassurance.. I only blocked reddit a few weeks ago and it made things a lot better. Reddit never really helped me, sometimes it gave me reassurance, which felt good but is contraproductive, and much more often it would trigger me into spiralling and keep me from focusing..
omg u guys are scaring me haha- im really curious about what it is and i feel like the curiosity will linger until i read it, but u guys are saying it’s rly bad so i won’t. i don’t even know what it’s about but it sounds really bad. i can’t help but feel like that’s going to show me the truth and not letting myself read it means i’m supressing my sexuality, so that’s hard to get over. i’ll delete reddit from my phone now
hey im so triggered by the masterdoc could u help me plz? just like you it brought me to the absolute lowest point in my life. i read so many reddit posts that made me go crazy and now im so convinced. im so scared. i just want to me sure i will be in love w a man and marry one
@princess🧚🏼♀️ I am sorry you are going through this! I remember the day vividly I read it, I was feeling so scared and hopeless. Right know you somehow have to try to stop seeking for reassurance or to stop researching. Block reddit from your devices, you see where it got you, make sure you don't go there anymore at least for the foreseeable future. Hang in there and know that this too will pass even if you feel so uncertain now. I've had this meltdown about a year ago and nothing has changed about my sexuality. I am still with my boyfriend and we are happy both emotionally and sexually. I can not say for sure that I am 100 % hetero but I don't have to know. We have to let go of the need for certainty if we want to get better. Try to stop figuring this out, you wont find a satisfying answer anyway and you will feel better every day.
@thinkingismyfighting thank you so much 💗i appreciate you so much. could i talk to you ? i feel like i have no one who understands to talk about this to. im currently in online classes but i cannot stop shaking and crying or focus. if u have instagram could we talk ? i would greatly appreciate it. if you dont feel comfortable i completely understand we could just talk here
@thinkingismyfighting i remember reading the masterdoc like 4 months ago i went crazy for like 3 days i couldnt even stand up or see clearly. i was so fully convinced... there are ao many signs that i relate to. also the fact tht i’m a virgin and have never had a bf does not help at all :( if anything it makes it worse bc i remember guys i liked asking me out and i would try finding randome excuses. i didnt want a bf and still tell myself i would want a bf in the future, but not now. i feel like its too much pressure bc i get so nervous/shy/uncomfortable around them and i feel like i would have too much pressure. sorry if im not making any sense im just typing while having an anxiety attack
also the reddit pages like latebloomerlesbians n comphet etc absolutely RUINED ME and fxcked me up. i dont know who i am anymore. i just want to know for sure that i will marry a man i will fall so deeply in love with.
@princess🧚🏼♀️ We can talk here, I would like to keep my Instagram separate as it is connected with so many "official" accounts of mine 🙈 are you still in school or do you take classes for university? Is there someone to meet up with today? Like not to talk about your anxiety but rather to distract you? I found it helpful if I had to force myself to go out meeting someone who had no idea about what I was going through bc I had to keep it together. It is hard to get yourself up though if you are feeling so low already, I know that. Try to accept that today is just going to be shitty. The urge triggered by the masterdoc will not subside so quickly it will probably take a few hours. Just try to not feed it anymore by searching further and reassuring yourself. Tomorrow will be better, it won't seem as important anymore as it does today. After all the doc is just a list of words typed on a piece of paper, nothing more and nothing less. You get to choose how much meaning you apply to them.
@princess🧚🏼♀️ Been there 🙈 just don't go on reddit anymore, even for different reasons, the risk of derailing and ending up spiralling is too high. These threads may be helpful if you know/think that you are a lesbian/bi and you want to find support/compassion by others and feel better through that support. It is not helpful with anxiety or OCD and intrusive thoughts or the need to prove yourself that you are not. Cutting out reddit completely improved my well-being tremendously. And I don't think this is avoidance behaviour because reddit never played a role in my life before my obsessions kicked in. It is a tool to do compulsions with that often leads to even more questioning/anxiety.
@thinkingismyfighting thank you so much i appreciate it so much 💗 i just cannot think clearly i feel like i’ve forgotten any proof that i liked boys. im still in school, im still 16. but im just scared that i only like the idea of being w a guy and fantasize about that, but wont enjoy the reality becauset i read its a sign and i have no experience. it just feels so real and it has convinced me. did u also feel convinced ? :(
@thinkingismyfighting my mom was asking if we could go to dinner tonight w the family, but i told her i dont feel ok. i wanna talk to her about it but she just doesnt understand hocd, she thinks its silly. but im just so down
@thinkingismyfighting when i think of boys i like, i get this warm and fuzzy feeling, i also blush sometimes in front of cute boys (but apparently it means absolutely nothing) i also get so nervous around them. but im scared because i would always avoid dating them. i felt like i wasn’t ready and had so much i needed to improve about myself, i have such low self esteem and always seek validationfrom guys, im scared thats the only reason. i feel like i’ve convinced myself i like them but dont actually. sorry if im being annoying i just feel so alone
@princess🧚🏼♀️ I remember feeling similar at your age. I don't think it is that uncommon. I also used to hugely admire older girls or female celebrities and to a certain extent I still do, I just seem to connect and identify with women more. The masterdoc made me obsess about those things again like hell. Does that mean that I am a lesbian in denial? Maybe, maybe not, no one knows for sure because you cannot really pin down sexuality on those things. When I try to reassure myself that I love sex with my bf and always fantasized about sex with guys there are also some points in the document that ruined even that "security" for me (e.g. being aroused by power imbalances or being more submissive I bed etc .) That is what makes sexuality such an excellent topic for intrusive thoughts because no one can give us a safe answer about that. All I know is that obsessing and anxiety doesn't take us anywhere. The doc has no scientific truth value of any kind, it's just words/assumptions with no scientific source or proof.
@thinkingismyfighting thank you so much. i calmed down a bit i took a walk and i feel better
@princess🧚🏼♀️ I am glad you feel better! You'll be fine, stay away from reddit and try to focus on real life. Fake it till you make it, we've got this 💪
@thinkingismyfighting thank you 💗i feel much better. and YES we’ll get over it we’re so strong ;)
Dude stop I saw an earlier post of something like this and it got me a little. It scares you because once again you’re worried that you’ve been lying to yourself. Try to keep your compulsions check and stop reading so much about other people and their sexuality. Regular rules don’t apply to us when our mind doesn’t even work the same. You’ll be ok just keep your compulsions in check and do some practice ERP.
please don’t look up the masterdoc. it will trigger you so much and i don’t want you to go through something bad:( speaking from experience.
is it like a list of things that prove your a lesbian ?
@zeep actually nvm i don’t want to know haha
Please trust me reading the masterdoc fucked me up so much. Please don’t do it it’s not worth it. It triggered me so badly I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I don’t want you to go through that
i know, it scares me, but i feel like i’m denying my sexuality if i don’t let myself read it. i’m not going to though.
Good. I’ve read it and trust me it’s not worth it. You’re not denying your sexuality by not reading it but you are putting your mental health first because I’m pretty sure it’d make you feel 10x worse. I think it’s kinda delayed my recovery too because it’s given me way too much to think about that I never even considered before. I hope you’re doing ok
Get offline for awhile. It sounds like you are struggling a lot to resist an internet research compulsion and that’s very understandable. Keep resisting. And remember: resisting compulsions isn’t “denying your sexuality,” it’s making the right decision for your ocd. If you were gay, no amount of internet research or internet avoidance could change that. It would just be. Resist these compulsions because they are harming you and fueling your ocd. Doing them won’t make your sexuality more clear, it will make it less.
You really just got on my ass. My girlfriend saw your comment said you read me like a book 😂. You’re absolutely right though because I have researching a lot and watching a lot of videos. I’m gonna take your advice and slowly distance myself from the internet all together. I’m gonna continue to work out though at the gym and go out. Is there any more advice you have about acceptance and these thoughts? I appreciate it a lot honestly 😂 I’m glad you responded honestly
thank you- today’s been hard but hopefully tomorrow’s a better day :)
@zeep Wait so have you done therapy?
@Lost Mexico 00 no haha i was replying to pureolife. have you?
@zeep Ohh no sorry mistook the notification for another one
CompHet (compulsory hetrosexuality) is something I find quite problematic even for those who dont have SOOCD. If you are unaware of what comphet is in the modern term, it's a lesbian masterdoc that was first posted on tumblr I believe, its essential goal is to "help" women see if they are just attracted to men by default by giving you all these bullet points, signs, reasons or scenarios that might tell you if you're actually a lesbian that's just getting with men because it's a societal norm. The main reasons I find it problematic is its need to label you into a neat little box: sexuality is a spectrum and we won't always be on one extreme end (straight or gay) we can float in between throughout our lives, depending on who we fall in love with. I also think it plays into bisexual erasure, bisexual people are already misunderstood as it is this masterdoc doesn't help that, it is possible that people can be bisexual in this case women and depending on who they meet in their lives it might appear to lean more towards one gender but it doesn't mean they're not bisexual. Another reason I find it problematic is the scenarios it uses to "prove" that you could in fact be a lesbian especially the sexual ones with men because alot of them could be due to a woman having gone through sexual trauma in her life and lets be honest alot of us more than not, have sadly. The last thing I find odd about it is the fact its only targeted towards women, so does that mean men can't fall victim to comphet because in my opinion men have alot more to lose essentially by not being straight as society unfortunately is alot less accepting of gay men or men that arent straight. That's just my rant, I'm sorry if it offended anyone. I think it could be useful but theres too many ways I find it problematic and I'd be saying that even if I didnt have OCD, as the whole doc gives me OCD vibes, the need to say you're one over the other for that certainty, instead of just accepting that maybe you're not one or the other and that's fine also.
I was okay today w my bf. Still anxious and numb and a little uncomfortable, but was okay. I’m doing erp watching videos of women explaining comphet (signs you’re lesbian but society makes you think you’re straight) and I feel like I relate to them, even though before it never even crossed my mind and I felt so happy with my bf. So now I don’t know if I was just oblivious and lesbian the whole time, or my ocd is extremely good at trying to trick me. Cause now I’m doubting how “happy” I actually was
I used to avoid the Reddit spiral but after making the mistake of looking up comphet last night for the first time in years I am absolutely spiraling. Have spent this whole day googling things in my bed in the dark. Not responding to anyone, not doing anything. I have found more comfort in the bisexual Reddit sub where there are more people criticizing the master doc but as my brain keeps spinning and spinning it feels like it all makes sense. A lot of them don’t understand how someone can be at some point sexually attracted to a man or want to do anything with them and then somehow be lesbian? Like if they didn’t feel forced, i mean. If you were consciously doing it because you were aware you were under pressure then that would make sense, but I feel like that doesn’t apply to me?? Maybe in some ways, like I felt convinced I needed to fit in at school and there was a couple times someone insinsuated i was not straight when I was younger and then like I’d feel the need to prove it with an existing crush like no I think _____ is cute but I don’t recall any of those crushes being formed as a RESULT of that. I just wouldn’t really do anything about my crushes and definitely had some experiences with limerence when I was younger. And even a couple times recently which drove me insane. At the same time me being super horny kind of coincided with the time that I got my iud in?? Maybe that’s the problem?? I don’t know. I also don’t remember fancying any women sexually or noticing it until I got the first same sex dream which is what I believe triggered my SO-OCD. I tend to be much more avoidant in such I would avoid googling things and avoid tv shows with gay characters and stuff like that. I would still check my attraction but now I’m the opposite and constantly googling. I’ve been sitting here all day nonstop. I’m psychoanalyzing every interaction I’ve had with both genders and am like losing it. It felt like I related to too much on the comphet doc and subs for this to not be true. But how can that all be a lie? I just don’t understand. Last night just to ease my cognitive dissonance I said ok fine maybe I’m bi. I’m bi whatever. And that eased a bit of my discomfort. But now 1. I feel like all of my attraction to men is gone now that I apparently confirmed my attraction to women and 2. Now I’m convinced I wouldn’t be bi enough and I’m just a lesbian??? I don’t even know. It never stops. And the thing that triggered me was people talking about how distressing it was for them to realize they didn’t like men. I guess I thought that was an SOOCD thing but nope another thing to worry about. Like how??? It just all feels so damn real and sometimes I feel like I’m just using HOCD to cover up my true desires. Writing this post I feel like I’m just making excuses. But if I swear I’ve felt genuinely sexually attracted to men, maybe not now but in the past and have enjoyed doing things to them, then how can I be a lesbian??? It doesn’t make any sense. I’d honestly be fine if I was bi if that meant my attraction to men was still there. I know it’d end up fine if I was really lesbian but it’s so hard for me to believe that all of that just wasn’t true. I never felt much pleasure through penetrative sex and struggled to get turned on. Like I feel like now at least men’s bodies don’t do it for me and women’s could if I let my mind accept it. In the past I feel like I’d go crazy over vlines and veiny hands like I literally remember looking up veiny hands on my own because I thought they were hot. And there’s things I love about men too but I just don’t know if it’s comphet or what. But I literally have gotten turned on to a man’s body from both solo porn and videos sent to me so what?? I don’t feel disgusted by men, maybe a bit uncomfortable around them but mainly the ones I considered attractive. I know I’ve seen a man and thought wow I’d totally fuck him. But I guess when it comes down to it I don’t enjoy it as much as I think I will?? Maybe I’m asexual, or bi, demi, or graysexual or heteroromantic or whatever. Any of those I’d honestly be fine with. But it’s just the idea of being a lesbian that freaks me out, and I don’t like to think it’s because of internalized homophobia but because this is something I’ve known to be true about myself for so long and something I rarely doubted albeit maybe a few times after crude comments from classmates. But I don’t know. It’s all just wild how different things feel. It feels like my brain is telling me I’m just lying when I was sobbing crying over a man two days ago. Like what?? It brings me nothing but stress and anxiety. I haven’t slept well in days. I’d usually go to bed fantasizing about a man and now I can barely even do it because my brain is telling me it’s not what I want. Ugh.
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