I wonder what people think about having SOOCD as a straight person and simultaneously striving to be queer-positive and affirming. I feel most “myself”, most free, when I don’t feel pressure from my subconscious to act out on gay impulses and become a flamboyant personality, and when I don’t even have to think about “being straight” because I just am who I am. Even though I’d like to be free from gay obsessions and false attractions that feel like they’ve evolved into real attractions (even though i still don’t feel like I truly want men), I feel guilty that I am choosing not to let this flamboyant “alternate” personality develop. I feel like I’m not a true ally if I’m saying it’s beautiful for other people to experience queer sexuality, but when I experience obsessions and therefore feelings of a queer nature I dismiss it as “not me”. I know we can’t defeat OCD with neat forms of reassurance or ways of explaining the pressure away, but I’m having a hard time not embracing obsessive gay thoughts because I feel bad not actively affirming them. But then accepting them as real makes me super anxious and untrue to myself. Thoughts?

i really feel that!! thank you for sharing that

Also by them I mean the thoughts, not the actual people oopsies. 😬

@aurokoi yoooooo thank you for coming thru with ur insight!! everyone’s comments on this thread have been a gift and i’m particularly comforted by urs because it just goes to show that it doesn’t really matter what the specific content or theme of the obsession is, it’s just the fact that our brains are obsessing and glitching over something that makes us uncomfortable and feel distant from how we most comfortably understand ourselves. You honestly just made me feel so affirmed. like I’m not feeling as guilty by the fact that this particular obsession is about being gay because I’m focusing on the fact that I’m obsessing and trying to fix that. By focusing on the fact of obsessing i’m less prone to get caught up in the actual content of the obsession and feel less guilty acknowledging then dismissing the thoughts. It makes it easier to recognize and let pass. ur right this discernment is soo hard and taxing, but honestly being affirmed by other people suffering from this disorder makes me feel validated in the truth that is uniquely mine. ty!!

@ocdin2ascension No problem!! Seriously, what you wrote resonated with me so deeply because I saw myself in that feeling like a fake ally. Honestly, I’m not even sure where I read it, but the ‘content of the obsession doesn’t matter. an obsession is an obsession’ statement made me cry one night... OCD is clever and it goes after things that mean a lot to us. For me, it was being sure of myself and finally feeling like I knew who I was, and me finding a space to love and understand everyone in the community. I think because I felt guilty over the fact I was so worried about being trans or even a lesbian made me think of it even more because who advocates for the community and doesn’t accept themselves? Is it just internalized phobias? And then by trying to get myself to ‘accept’ that that’s who I was and ‘explore’ just made me feel worse because ... I didn’t like it and then I felt guilty for not liking it and on and on. I’m sure you know how the spiral goes. Plus, identity themes are so personal, which make it that much harder to work through, because you know.. it deals with US. But I think we’re on the right track here. Who cares what the content of the thought is? The point is that we’re stuck in a loop of trying to answer a question that doesn’t make us happy to think about. So why think about it? That’s all there is to it. I hope you know you affirmed me too and really did help my brain relax. So THANK YOU!

@aurokoi Oop by ‘not think about it’ I mean like... don’t put meaning behind the thought. Do your ERP though haha!!!

@aurokoi i just broke down crying in therapy for the first time and I came back to read your powerful words again and they’re hitting so much harder with these tears. i’m so glad i posted this original post and that you and the others here happened to see it. OCD *thrives* off of guilt, and mutually identifying the thought spiral and deligitamizing it allows us to sidestep that guilt-causing rabbit hole and weaken OCD’s tools of oppression. yo the fact that you said it came on especially after you felt a newfound self confidence too...it’s like the devil poking saying, “but what about this?? why don’t you like that?? it must be because ur afraid of it right?? phobia! ur a ____phobe!!” F-THAT. the whole thought process. We are who we are because we love ourselves as we are, period. But of course, as you mentioned, ERP is the main way of proving that lol. Arguing against it won’t get us out, but knowing and being affirmed in some sense of our truth is soo critical for effective ERP as well. thank you so much for pulling up with your story and wisdom i’m screen shotting this thread lol.

@ocdin2ascension Ahhh I’m so glad my comments helped!! I really hope you can rise about this soon. If you don’t mind me asking, are you getting therapy for OCD specifically?

@aurokoi thanks for your well wishes i extend them to u as well 💓 and yes i’ve been in ocd treatment for about two months now and have been seeing gradual but certain progress

@ocdin2ascension Aw I’m so glad you’re getting the support you need!! I wish you the best 💞 maybe it’s time I visit a specialist too.

@aurokoi i highly suggest it! if it’s available for u via insurance or whatever works for u. i really hope u can because OCD has felt like it’s the matrix in my mind that has only gotten worse the longer i didn’t know how to handle it. and my therapist has been helping to pull me out of it in ways i couldn’t see for myself. but they’re other resources out there like books and great articles i guess it just depends on what you need but either way.....you will prevail :)