- Username
- asdfghj
- Date posted
- 4y ago
I feel the same way and I wonder the same thing.
Pureolife had a good answer down below!
I feel the same way quite a lot. Like I can never really find my true identity
Yes. Who am I? What do I really enjoy doing? What is my passions? These thoughts get triggered by simply hearing what other people spend their time on. "I dont have a life" and hours of ruminating.
Hey friend!! Its late here so I will answer in the morning!! We sound so similar at times 🙋♀️. Please don't beat yourself up about today, take some rest. You ARE going to get better. Life won't always be this hard ❤️
Hey, I wanted to get back to you. First of all, thank you for sharing because you are also striking up a conversation that helps others who struggle with the same thing - - like me 🙋♀️. Someone else said about ruminating and I know we ruminate, it has become second nature. And sometimes when someone gives me a plain answer like 'just stop doing it, go do something else!' isn't enough information for me on how to get there. It's like I'm standing at letter A and they are all the way at Z, hoping that I can magically know how to get to Z. I don't have the answers.. But prehaps it's something like we just take our little baby steps and eventually there will be larger changes? Those little baby steps might be picked up in therapy, on a podcast, over TIME. I'm not sure, but I hope so. For me it seems like I just live mostly in one huge tsunami of distress. I can't even 'think straight' to talk myself out of a compulsion.. Keep taking it hour by hour. Always reach out if you need to. I'm not here to judge, just try my best to help 👍😊
Thank you for the support and encouragement. The huge tsunami of distress was a great way of putting it. Also for the havoc it creates on my life. The A to Z metaphor was really relatable. Im alwayd like "but how" "like _this_" and me "but HOW!?". But Im beginning to realize the "but how" is ruminating. And just doing _this_ or anything at all is the actual how. But I cant get there because my thoughts go too fast or freezes and I cant even think at the same time as thinking too much. Maybe eliminating "how" from my mind and vocabulary would help. Whenever I do that I should let it go. 🤔 The exposure yesterday gave me a big panic attack, the thoughts were literally crazy, and today Im still in a deep funk. Makes me think I shouldnt have shared and shouldnt have decoupaged. BUT at the same time it made me realize how this is definitely OCD and an important topic to deal with.
@asdfghj I'm glad I'm not the only one. Every time you share, I'm like wow me too! Yes the HOW!! Oh boy oh boy.. 😂😂 I always say to my husband when he tries to help me 'But its okay for you, you know how to. I don't! How do I do it?!' and he always says 'Its not that you are missing the ability to be able to do it, you keep thinking you just weren't born with the capability.' And I still feel the big resounding question of 'But HOW?' Yes through this thread I have realised I ruminate on "smaller things", that I have an obsession around how/ understanding things perfectly. And my compulsions are the usual things I do.. Don't feel bad about sharing yesterday and that you are feeling rough today. Yesterday was super hard and it takes some time - hours to a few days to level out and ride the wave. Do you like arts and crafts? Do you like taking a bath? Do you paint your nails? Maybe try something today that is usually more soothing, EVEN IF you feel crappy! You don't have to feel good or feel better during it, or after it. But just as a way to hold on. ❤️
@ButterflyStar Thank you for the support the other day. I was quite out of it so couldnt bring myself to reply. Maybe when we're thinking we dont have the capability to do so and so, all we have to do is "maybe I dont know how to do this, but I'll do it anyway". Ive been trying this lately with cooking and small stuff that obviously any grown person can do, but that I for years have thought "I dont know how!" and "what if I do it wrong" and "what if Im not suppose to" and its actually working. Ive just avoided these things all together cause of the massive intrusive thoughts and urges to compulse. But I have finally cooked rice! And broccoli. 😅 and it was even edible. And I didnt check how to do it more than once. It makes me believe just doing it is the best way for the other things were my mind is stuck on HOW! + its quite ridiculous that making brocolli makes me so anxious I felt nauseous just by thinking about it. 😅 Dear OCD, you are ridiculous!
@asdfghj So your comment really really helped me and I've been thinking about it frequently today, thank you so much! Instead is saying 'I can't do it.' I could instead say 'Maybe I don't know right now, but I'll try it anyway.'so awesome! Your new cooking skills was a perfect example of this played out in real life! I was genuinely filled with joy and proud (?? Even tho I don't know you) when you said about cooking broccoli and rice. That is so awesome! This time next year you'll be cooking all sorts of recipes! Even in some months times 😊 I am actually thinking of getting a notebook to write down your helpful comments so they stick more. Hope your day is going well👍
I am exactly the same! You worded it great. An alarming thought for me is 'What should I do right now?'. Like how should I fill the time. Then I weigh up what to do but feeling so anxious while thinking about all the things and so much time can pass because I can't decide what is the RIGHT thing to do. It's been hard for me to do other things than compulsions but slowly over lock down I have encorperated some more things.. It took like 1 whole year of trying to do that in therapy lol.
Yes! I weigh up what I should do and it makes me so anxious because how do I know what is right. And in stead of spending 6 hours of leisure time doing something fun I spend then ruminating about why I dont know what to do, what is the rightest thing to do, or just juml to another theme entirely that has triggered me that day and spend alm afternoon figuring it out. This has (contributed) made my life very small, and because of it life feels meaningless. Which leads to suicidal obsessions and existential obsessions. It feels impossible to get out of this. Feels like if I prevent compulsions in one area 100 more themes are waiting. It is in every part of my life. The things you encorporated, did you have to challenge yourself to do them or how... wait a sec ... maybe this question is compulsive, lol. Always looking for "the right way!"
It sounds like you’re spending all your time ruminating. And it’s understandable, most people ruminate because they think it will help them figure something out. But it never does. Rather than ruminating about what you want to do/be, how about just trying things? You don’t need to spend much time figuring out what to try or why. Just think of something, anything, and do it. You’ll learn way more about yourself and what you like that way than spending any more time ruminating about possibilities in your head. We spend way too much of our lives sitting in our rooms thinking about what it would be like to live life. Just go live it.
It really does sound like ruminating doesnt it! I always thought that this topic was natural to wonder about. After over a decade as severely ill it would be natural to wonder about my identity and finally figuring myself out. Even my therapist (not an OCD specialist) has encouraged me to do it (he has encouraged me to a lot of ruminating though)... I tried what you mentioned here. I just thought to myself "just do something, anything" and it made me feel terrible. And I wanted to find my phone and scroll a little more, possibly google hobbies. But now Ive spent the las hour decoupaging and I feel like throwing up. Anxiety. Feels like Im gonna die because this was wrong and I should ... wash my hands or DO SOMETHING to make up for it. Because who knows if it was right. Considering how hard this was it would be fair to reason it actually is an obsession. And OCD. It is hard to reason right now as anxiety is high. It feels so wrong to even share this. And hey, anything? But what if it is wrong?
@asdfghj Your rumination is definitely a compulsion and the second you stopped it.. you felt intense anxiety, got intrusive “just right” thoughts, and wanted to perform other compulsions.
@pureolife For ERP: you need to get out there and just do stuff! And do it wrong! And don’t do compulsions, most importantly ruminating. I know that sounds crazy and hard. But that’s exactly what your ocd needs.
@pureolife Also: did you truly stop ruminating or did you start ruminating about ruminating? https://drmichaeljgreenberg.com/ruminating-about-ruminating-2/
@pureolife Thank you so much for the links and the advice to do exposures for this. After last night it became obvious to me that this too is OCD, and needs to be handled accordingly. I dont know if I ruminated about ruminating. Idont think so. I think for the hour I did decoupaging I was doing good with responsepreventing. When I stopped I started reassurance seeking and had a full blown panic attack where I was doubting if I had killed my cat even though it was right in front of me and was crazy towards by bf because I was sure I had made the planet about to explode because I had acted without precautions and being SURE. Makes me realise how big of a theme this really is. And maybe all the obsessing about other stuff is so I wont have to do anything. I really do understand acting, doing things, even random things or doing it wrong is the way to do exposures here. But after the panic yesterday Ive been constantly agitated and excessively compulsing all day and I dont know how to stop and the suicidal OCD is heavy. And it makes me scared to try exposures again.
It truly feels like I shouldnt have shared this and that I shouldnt have tried doing something, because now anxiety is so high and all I want to do is things that are considered compulsions. And I cant seem to think straight and remember how to deal with an anxiety attack.
@pureolife Just read this and Im at a major trigger. It was encouraging but at the same time discouraging because I cant find it in me to stop... but im gonna try now. Thanks for sharing good material.
Existential/philosophical obsessions? Anyone dealt with this before? I literally feel like I’m getting better with it and boom I get triggered by something I read unintentionally on the internet or talks with others, movies or tv and I feel like I’m back to square one with a new existential obsession that I feel like I need to solve. I just am so frustrated I’m trying to go about this in the right way I’m trying but I just don’t know how to go about it right. My ocd has taken many forms and everytime it’s one I wish for the other it’s so wierd. Like right now I rather be dealing with my health obsessions then this. But if it’s not one it’s the others it’s like I’m addicted to ocd and juggle obsessions. I just want peace but idk what to do. Does anyone else feel like they conquer one obsession and a new one pops up? I feel like I constantly am in a loop I look at old notebooks and realize I’ve been jumping around the same obsessions for over 3 years. Insanity. I would love to hear what has helped you guys and what I you think I should do?
I need to know if someone else experience this because I think this may be the root of some of my ocd themes. So basically even when I don't really have a theme going on I get intrusive thoughts of different topics. For example if I'm reading an article about a person with ADHD my mind tells that maybe I have adhd and because if I had I'd be different, and it feels like I want to even though I don't do because I know how destressing it is to live with such disorders and who would ever want to develop a disorder like that. I get intrusive thoughts like about illnesses, identities and other things and my mind says that I have to have those things because they would make me different and my mind wanted me to be different in that way. And it felt like I wanted those things even tho I know how terrible they affect people and didn't really wanted to have them. Now it tells me the same thing about gender and sexuality that I have to be different in that way while I don't and it's causing me hocd right now. I guess this is my final answer but I wanted to know if somebody else experienced something like this. Like sometimes I get depressive episodes because of my anxiety and ocd but once I became obsessed with the idea of having chronic severe depression and I got so anxious but then felt relieved when I didn't but then my intrusive thoughts would pop up here and there
Hey everyone. This is my first post here and it’s probably going to be a long one because I guess I feel comfortable enough to be open here. I need help. When I first got diagnosed with OCD, I figured it only impacted a small part of my life. I thought I was only affected with compulsions and obsessions that dealt with contamination, tangible perfectionism and the obvious intrusive thoughts and that’s it. Well, I’ve come to realize that most of my thinking has been impacted by OCD. At this point the only way to describe how it feels to me is a forest of thorny vines growing in place of my mind or maybe through and around my brain constantly growing every-time I give into this type of thinking (which is basically all the time because I wasn’t aware this was OCD). I’ve definitely felt it more recently, but I know it’s always been there from what I recall from past memories. I got diagnosed not so long ago with OCD and I was happy to because it explained this thing I knew was wrong with me but I didn’t know how much it will and has impacted me in the past. So, I think I’ve created a matrix in my mind or strengthened the OCD thought patterns because now I feel like my OCD impacts everything I do. And I guess I’m saying I need help here because maybe you guys will be able to see it, maybe validate me and point me where I can get help. I’ve been telling the people around me, I think my thinking is disordered and I need help but I don’t think they really understand the amount it’s affecting me or grasp what I meant when I say “I Need Help”. I did have a therapist before but because of a insurance change, she can’t work with me anymore and I’m not sure when I’ll get another (just to clarify). Back to the matter, the past couple of months I’ve been in my head just thinking and thinking. About everything. To the point where my head starts to hurt or until I feel sick of thinking about it but I can’t. I find that’s my obsessions and compulsions (other than the need for order [which can also be mental]) are very mentally based and I find myself ashamed of them so I hide them so maybe that’s why the people around me don’t feel my need for getting help as much as I do. Anyways, examples of this have been, -constantly thinking about what’s the purpose of all of life and the hidden messages in life -feeling like if I don’t do everything perfectly then what the point or being very mad at myself -being obsessed with how I present to the rest of the world sometimes even in close relationships -having calculated movements and actions (having to move my body a certain way or it doesn’t feel right) -obsessing over an absolute truth -questioning friendships and other relationships - obsessing over achievements or failures -obsessing over people -obsessing over decisions and outcomes because I want to make the perfect decisions I could go on and on but basically it’s just a lot of thinking and ruminating and obsessing to the point where people tell me I look like I’m some where else all the time. And I’ve started to feel like I find comfort in it now. I’m also diagnosed with depression and anxiety and I feel like it’s all just OCD. And same goes for my dissociation. I feel like they all root from my OCD. I’m so tired of feeling like this all the time and without my therapist I feel like I’m stuck here. I can’t make decisions, I’m never present, I can’t make or keep friendships/ relationships, everything impacts me deeply because I create a emotional obsession to it, I can’t just be without questioning everything and I’m constantly in my head. I’ve also started getting high all the time because I feel like it’s the only way to escape my brain but I’ve felt like it’s getting out of hand. I’m starting to lose in any type of hope of getting better. Does anyone have an advice for working on OCD by yourself or identifying when it’s OCD (especially mental obsessions and compulsions) so I can start to chip at this boulder that’s weighing down my life and energy?
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