I feel like this is a ridiculous question, but Ive thought quite a bit about it so here goes. I have a hard time having hobbies or knowing what I want. Whenever there is time off I spend most of my time with OCD (sad). But I also spend quite a bit of time wondering about what Im gonna do, what I want to, what my dreams are. For the longest time I figured out what I wanted by reading about what others do and feeling like I should do the same. And mostly I do passive things because I never seem to figure out what I should do. Or what I "really want". Can this be an obsession about spending my time right? I had a hard time wording this the way I wanted to. But just putting it out there in case anyone relates and knows how to pin point it better. It is as is thinking about this eludes me.

Pureolife had a good answer down below!

Yes. Who am I? What do I really enjoy doing? What is my passions? These thoughts get triggered by simply hearing what other people spend their time on. "I dont have a life" and hours of ruminating.

Thank you for the support and encouragement. The huge tsunami of distress was a great way of putting it. Also for the havoc it creates on my life. The A to Z metaphor was really relatable. Im alwayd like "but how" "like _this_" and me "but HOW!?". But Im beginning to realize the "but how" is ruminating. And just doing _this_ or anything at all is the actual how. But I cant get there because my thoughts go too fast or freezes and I cant even think at the same time as thinking too much. Maybe eliminating "how" from my mind and vocabulary would help. Whenever I do that I should let it go. 🤔 The exposure yesterday gave me a big panic attack, the thoughts were literally crazy, and today Im still in a deep funk. Makes me think I shouldnt have shared and shouldnt have decoupaged. BUT at the same time it made me realize how this is definitely OCD and an important topic to deal with.

@asdfghj I'm glad I'm not the only one. Every time you share, I'm like wow me too! Yes the HOW!! Oh boy oh boy.. 😂😂 I always say to my husband when he tries to help me 'But its okay for you, you know how to. I don't! How do I do it?!' and he always says 'Its not that you are missing the ability to be able to do it, you keep thinking you just weren't born with the capability.' And I still feel the big resounding question of 'But HOW?' Yes through this thread I have realised I ruminate on "smaller things", that I have an obsession around how/ understanding things perfectly. And my compulsions are the usual things I do.. Don't feel bad about sharing yesterday and that you are feeling rough today. Yesterday was super hard and it takes some time - hours to a few days to level out and ride the wave. Do you like arts and crafts? Do you like taking a bath? Do you paint your nails? Maybe try something today that is usually more soothing, EVEN IF you feel crappy! You don't have to feel good or feel better during it, or after it. But just as a way to hold on. ❤️

@ButterflyStar Thank you for the support the other day. I was quite out of it so couldnt bring myself to reply. Maybe when we're thinking we dont have the capability to do so and so, all we have to do is "maybe I dont know how to do this, but I'll do it anyway". Ive been trying this lately with cooking and small stuff that obviously any grown person can do, but that I for years have thought "I dont know how!" and "what if I do it wrong" and "what if Im not suppose to" and its actually working. Ive just avoided these things all together cause of the massive intrusive thoughts and urges to compulse. But I have finally cooked rice! And broccoli. 😅 and it was even edible. And I didnt check how to do it more than once. It makes me believe just doing it is the best way for the other things were my mind is stuck on HOW! + its quite ridiculous that making brocolli makes me so anxious I felt nauseous just by thinking about it. 😅 Dear OCD, you are ridiculous!

@asdfghj So your comment really really helped me and I've been thinking about it frequently today, thank you so much! Instead is saying 'I can't do it.' I could instead say 'Maybe I don't know right now, but I'll try it anyway.'so awesome! Your new cooking skills was a perfect example of this played out in real life! I was genuinely filled with joy and proud (?? Even tho I don't know you) when you said about cooking broccoli and rice. That is so awesome! This time next year you'll be cooking all sorts of recipes! Even in some months times 😊 I am actually thinking of getting a notebook to write down your helpful comments so they stick more. Hope your day is going well👍

Yes! I weigh up what I should do and it makes me so anxious because how do I know what is right. And in stead of spending 6 hours of leisure time doing something fun I spend then ruminating about why I dont know what to do, what is the rightest thing to do, or just juml to another theme entirely that has triggered me that day and spend alm afternoon figuring it out. This has (contributed) made my life very small, and because of it life feels meaningless. Which leads to suicidal obsessions and existential obsessions. It feels impossible to get out of this. Feels like if I prevent compulsions in one area 100 more themes are waiting. It is in every part of my life. The things you encorporated, did you have to challenge yourself to do them or how... wait a sec ... maybe this question is compulsive, lol. Always looking for "the right way!"

https://drmichaeljgreenberg.com/how-to-stop-ruminating/

It really does sound like ruminating doesnt it! I always thought that this topic was natural to wonder about. After over a decade as severely ill it would be natural to wonder about my identity and finally figuring myself out. Even my therapist (not an OCD specialist) has encouraged me to do it (he has encouraged me to a lot of ruminating though)... I tried what you mentioned here. I just thought to myself "just do something, anything" and it made me feel terrible. And I wanted to find my phone and scroll a little more, possibly google hobbies. But now Ive spent the las hour decoupaging and I feel like throwing up. Anxiety. Feels like Im gonna die because this was wrong and I should ... wash my hands or DO SOMETHING to make up for it. Because who knows if it was right. Considering how hard this was it would be fair to reason it actually is an obsession. And OCD. It is hard to reason right now as anxiety is high. It feels so wrong to even share this. And hey, anything? But what if it is wrong?

@asdfghj Your rumination is definitely a compulsion and the second you stopped it.. you felt intense anxiety, got intrusive “just right” thoughts, and wanted to perform other compulsions.

@pureolife https://drmichaeljgreenberg.com/understanding-pure-o-you-are-not-having-intrusive-thoughts-all-day-you-are-ruminating/

@pureolife For ERP: you need to get out there and just do stuff! And do it wrong! And don’t do compulsions, most importantly ruminating. I know that sounds crazy and hard. But that’s exactly what your ocd needs.

@pureolife Also: did you truly stop ruminating or did you start ruminating about ruminating? https://drmichaeljgreenberg.com/ruminating-about-ruminating-2/

@pureolife Thank you so much for the links and the advice to do exposures for this. After last night it became obvious to me that this too is OCD, and needs to be handled accordingly. I dont know if I ruminated about ruminating. Idont think so. I think for the hour I did decoupaging I was doing good with responsepreventing. When I stopped I started reassurance seeking and had a full blown panic attack where I was doubting if I had killed my cat even though it was right in front of me and was crazy towards by bf because I was sure I had made the planet about to explode because I had acted without precautions and being SURE. Makes me realise how big of a theme this really is. And maybe all the obsessing about other stuff is so I wont have to do anything. I really do understand acting, doing things, even random things or doing it wrong is the way to do exposures here. But after the panic yesterday Ive been constantly agitated and excessively compulsing all day and I dont know how to stop and the suicidal OCD is heavy. And it makes me scared to try exposures again.

https://drmichaeljgreenberg.com/what-to-do-when-youre-triggered-2/

@pureolife Just read this and Im at a major trigger. It was encouraging but at the same time discouraging because I cant find it in me to stop... but im gonna try now. Thanks for sharing good material.