Trigger warning : New record. I had a panic attack, a meltdown and nausea in the bathroom because I felt I was covered in mouse poop, I think I swallowed one and there was a smear by chocolate which I can’t stop thinking it’s poo. Then had an accident. With all that, cleaning and showering, I was in the bathroom for 9hours. And my cleaning isn’t even done. It’s 5:25am and I’m exhausted. Because I showered for three hours, when I got out the floor was covered in water but somehow I can’t stop thinking it’s toilet water.

Oh ?Lady, I’m so sorry you’re having such a bad flare up. It’s really important for you to be intentional in your self care today. It sounds like you probably did not get enough sleep and may not have thought to hydrate or eat well. It’s probably also important to moisturize your skin so that you don’t get cracks in it which can lead to actual infections. I would reach out to your therapist or doctor and let them know you are having such a bad flare up and see if they can modify your meds or get you in for a quick appointment. Today is probably not the best day to try to do any exposures because you’ll already be emotionally spent. I would try to rest up and prevent yourself from doing anymore cleaning rituals. You must remember OCD feelings do not represent reality. You must consciously choose to go with your logical mind over the panic/terror your OCD tries to cause. Perhaps watch some movies or do something to get your mind off of things.

That all sounds so tough Cat Lady, I'm so sorry to hear all that, hang in there. Sending love and prayers ??

Hopefully things only go up from here for you. Try your best not to play OCD's game and to get some rest ??

Thank you. I had a meltdown pretty much every single night for the past week, cried when I woke up but I still had to wake up several times to do my compulsions. I had some water while showering, when I was suicidal. I haven’t eaten in two days because of my ocd and anxiety. I’ve been washing a lot with soap and with rubbing alcohol which is right next to the bed. I’m scared to use the moisturizer because mouse poop might get stuck on it before it dries up. I don’t have a therapist/psychiatrist because of complications. The insurance stopped paying for my therapist who said I need a residential care but it’s out of state and Medicaid doesn’t cover out of state. I have health advocates helping me but I’m just bombarded with guilt, shame and attacks by the only person who has been taking care of me. But I am getting the help. Well, trying to have some faith. I have to move possibly at the end of the month or next month and that too added up to my meltdown. I appreciate all your kind words and helpful suggestions, I really miss having sympathetic ears and emotional support. I understand OCD is illogical but please hear me out. This apartment has issues with rodents. I saw an apartment covered with mouse/rat poo. So it can happen to me. It’s very scary. I googled hantavirus and there’s been five cases in my state where someone died from it. Though I don’t know how accurate or up to date it is because hantavirus’ initial stage mimics flu like symptoms so most people don’t realize until it’s too late. There’s so vaccination and the only thing is if detected early enough, icu can help. I’ve been watching some kitty videos :)

This is the worst night/day ever. Just lost an important card. Had to dig up under the bed. Im so dirty and gross and I want to shower and check my bed. All because I’m scared of a mouse poo.

It’s 8:55am and I just finished my second cleaning. I dropped something important on the floor. I thought about taking another shower but instead just checked my pillows, blanket and finished using my rubbing alcohol to sanitize.

I still feel dirty and everything is dirty.

Now more triggers. My friend who’s taking care of me let someone in the apartment. Okay. I asked him to check the bottom of her shoes because I’m too exhausted to get out of bed to do it myself. He says no. Another anxiety. Seriously when is it going to end!!!

Yup when things never end. Another trigger. I’m so tired.

When you think it can’t much worse. It did. Checking and contamination. All around. I think I’ve experienced enough anxiety and triggers to last me a week lol.

:((