- Username
- Crazy.Cat.Lady
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Oh ?Lady, I’m so sorry you’re having such a bad flare up. It’s really important for you to be intentional in your self care today. It sounds like you probably did not get enough sleep and may not have thought to hydrate or eat well. It’s probably also important to moisturize your skin so that you don’t get cracks in it which can lead to actual infections. I would reach out to your therapist or doctor and let them know you are having such a bad flare up and see if they can modify your meds or get you in for a quick appointment. Today is probably not the best day to try to do any exposures because you’ll already be emotionally spent. I would try to rest up and prevent yourself from doing anymore cleaning rituals. You must remember OCD feelings do not represent reality. You must consciously choose to go with your logical mind over the panic/terror your OCD tries to cause. Perhaps watch some movies or do something to get your mind off of things.
That all sounds so tough Cat Lady, I'm so sorry to hear all that, hang in there. Sending love and prayers ??
Hopefully things only go up from here for you. Try your best not to play OCD's game and to get some rest ??
Thank you. I had a meltdown pretty much every single night for the past week, cried when I woke up but I still had to wake up several times to do my compulsions. I had some water while showering, when I was suicidal. I haven’t eaten in two days because of my ocd and anxiety. I’ve been washing a lot with soap and with rubbing alcohol which is right next to the bed. I’m scared to use the moisturizer because mouse poop might get stuck on it before it dries up. I don’t have a therapist/psychiatrist because of complications. The insurance stopped paying for my therapist who said I need a residential care but it’s out of state and Medicaid doesn’t cover out of state. I have health advocates helping me but I’m just bombarded with guilt, shame and attacks by the only person who has been taking care of me. But I am getting the help. Well, trying to have some faith. I have to move possibly at the end of the month or next month and that too added up to my meltdown. I appreciate all your kind words and helpful suggestions, I really miss having sympathetic ears and emotional support. I understand OCD is illogical but please hear me out. This apartment has issues with rodents. I saw an apartment covered with mouse/rat poo. So it can happen to me. It’s very scary. I googled hantavirus and there’s been five cases in my state where someone died from it. Though I don’t know how accurate or up to date it is because hantavirus’ initial stage mimics flu like symptoms so most people don’t realize until it’s too late. There’s so vaccination and the only thing is if detected early enough, icu can help. I’ve been watching some kitty videos :)
This is the worst night/day ever. Just lost an important card. Had to dig up under the bed. Im so dirty and gross and I want to shower and check my bed. All because I’m scared of a mouse poo.
It’s 8:55am and I just finished my second cleaning. I dropped something important on the floor. I thought about taking another shower but instead just checked my pillows, blanket and finished using my rubbing alcohol to sanitize.
I still feel dirty and everything is dirty.
Now more triggers. My friend who’s taking care of me let someone in the apartment. Okay. I asked him to check the bottom of her shoes because I’m too exhausted to get out of bed to do it myself. He says no. Another anxiety. Seriously when is it going to end!!!
Yup when things never end. Another trigger. I’m so tired.
When you think it can’t much worse. It did. Checking and contamination. All around. I think I’ve experienced enough anxiety and triggers to last me a week lol.
:((
Another nausea, panic attack and meltdown. Just spent three hours “stuck” in the bathroom.
Trigger warning: Does anyone have fear of hantavirus? I’m trying to do imaginary exposure but it’s still to intense. In my old apartment, we had mouse/rat problems-visible mouse/rat poo. In the city, roaches and mice are common and it didn’t bother me then. Now it’s a different story. I’m in a building where there’s mice/rat problems. The thing is I hate killing them. It’s really not their fault for carrying the virus. And humane traps mean I need to go out and release but I can’t get out of bed. It was easy for me to help out a trapped mouse from an empty garbage bin but burying a dead mouse was difficult. Fortunately I don’t think there’s any in my apartment but...I “hear” when I’m half asleep/half awake. And that’s enough for me to be anxious. And because of the past apartments, I feel like I’m covered in their poo. I had to do a lot of disinfection with my stuff from my old apartment but you can’t do everything 100% which is causing me anxiety and exhaustion. And you don’t know what things were touched. I try to throw stuff out but I have a fear of losing things. So when I throw stuff out I need to check to make sure nothing important is being thrown away. This fear was a lot stronger than my contamination but now it’s slightly stronger. That’s because my contamination fear escalated. I also do compulsions in the middle of my sleep several times which causes tiredness and exhaustion. Without proper sleep and having the urge to have to check and decontaminate, the thought of the process is exhausting. Thinking the best way to do these compulsions is exhausting. So by the time I get to checking I’m so tired I start to lose focus and because my anxiety is high I experience depersonalization. Going on autopilot, I’m not paying attention to what I’m doing so I have to repeat. Unless I’m recording myself. And then I question if I missed anything while checking. In the past I would be looking for something and while it’s right in front of me I don’t see it until someone points it out to me. So now I’m just avoiding a lot of things but it’s not right. I don’t know where to begin or how to tackle my fears. How to tailor my erp. I’m scared I’ll do it wrong. Like no one in their right mind would touch mouse poo for exposure. But then how do I expose my fear of hantavirus? There are bags I need to throw out but the longer I go without checking and throwing them out the more it’s contaminated. I can’t even say for certain there are mice but if I start throwing these bags out and come across poo, I know how anxious and tired I would be. And that thought alone is exhausting. I tried playing out the possible scenarios in my head as an exposure and it makes me cry. There are places in my apartment where I need to decontaminate but have to check first but just so tired. Tired from the anxiety of the hantavirus, mouse poo, checking, and all these thoughts. I’m sorry if I’m all over the place. I’m also scared of forgetting things and right now I feel like I’m missing an important information to get help for this.
TRIGGER WARNING-Contamination OCD Today started with a crazy amount of stress due to the intrusive thoughts. Have a huge issue with the toilet in general, especially the flushing without the cover on. My brain believes that bacteria and microbes in general will fly from there to me and my things, and causes a big amount of distress. I am trying to be logical with it and understand that nothing will happen. But even the thought of being covered in that makes me wanna clean everything I have and shower. Let’s be clear mum’s bleaches it every day, but still when she does and gets out to continue her chores I’m afraid she carries something that will get on me. I am sorry, this is gross to everybody, but I need to listen to voice of reason, as this is getting every day more difficult to handle.
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