Trigger warning : New record. I had a panic attack, a meltdown and nausea in the bathroom because I felt I was covered in mouse poop, I think I swallowed one and there was a smear by chocolate which I can’t stop thinking it’s poo. Then had an accident. With all that, cleaning and showering, I was in the bathroom for 9hours. And my cleaning isn’t even done. It’s 5:25am and I’m exhausted. Because I showered for three hours, when I got out the floor was covered in water but somehow I can’t stop thinking it’s toilet water.

Another nausea, panic attack and meltdown. Just spent three hours “stuck” in the bathroom.

Trigger warning: Does anyone have fear of hantavirus? I’m trying to do imaginary exposure but it’s still to intense. In my old apartment, we had mouse/rat problems-visible mouse/rat poo. In the city, roaches and mice are common and it didn’t bother me then. Now it’s a different story. I’m in a building where there’s mice/rat problems. The thing is I hate killing them. It’s really not their fault for carrying the virus. And humane traps mean I need to go out and release but I can’t get out of bed. It was easy for me to help out a trapped mouse from an empty garbage bin but burying a dead mouse was difficult. Fortunately I don’t think there’s any in my apartment but...I “hear” when I’m half asleep/half awake. And that’s enough for me to be anxious. And because of the past apartments, I feel like I’m covered in their poo. I had to do a lot of disinfection with my stuff from my old apartment but you can’t do everything 100% which is causing me anxiety and exhaustion. And you don’t know what things were touched. I try to throw stuff out but I have a fear of losing things. So when I throw stuff out I need to check to make sure nothing important is being thrown away. This fear was a lot stronger than my contamination but now it’s slightly stronger. That’s because my contamination fear escalated. I also do compulsions in the middle of my sleep several times which causes tiredness and exhaustion. Without proper sleep and having the urge to have to check and decontaminate, the thought of the process is exhausting. Thinking the best way to do these compulsions is exhausting. So by the time I get to checking I’m so tired I start to lose focus and because my anxiety is high I experience depersonalization. Going on autopilot, I’m not paying attention to what I’m doing so I have to repeat. Unless I’m recording myself. And then I question if I missed anything while checking. In the past I would be looking for something and while it’s right in front of me I don’t see it until someone points it out to me. So now I’m just avoiding a lot of things but it’s not right. I don’t know where to begin or how to tackle my fears. How to tailor my erp. I’m scared I’ll do it wrong. Like no one in their right mind would touch mouse poo for exposure. But then how do I expose my fear of hantavirus? There are bags I need to throw out but the longer I go without checking and throwing them out the more it’s contaminated. I can’t even say for certain there are mice but if I start throwing these bags out and come across poo, I know how anxious and tired I would be. And that thought alone is exhausting. I tried playing out the possible scenarios in my head as an exposure and it makes me cry. There are places in my apartment where I need to decontaminate but have to check first but just so tired. Tired from the anxiety of the hantavirus, mouse poo, checking, and all these thoughts. I’m sorry if I’m all over the place. I’m also scared of forgetting things and right now I feel like I’m missing an important information to get help for this.

TRIGGER WARNING-Contamination OCD Today started with a crazy amount of stress due to the intrusive thoughts. Have a huge issue with the toilet in general, especially the flushing without the cover on. My brain believes that bacteria and microbes in general will fly from there to me and my things, and causes a big amount of distress. I am trying to be logical with it and understand that nothing will happen. But even the thought of being covered in that makes me wanna clean everything I have and shower. Let’s be clear mum’s bleaches it every day, but still when she does and gets out to continue her chores I’m afraid she carries something that will get on me. I am sorry, this is gross to everybody, but I need to listen to voice of reason, as this is getting every day more difficult to handle.