I don't know what to do. I'm not going to talk about the thoughts themselves since it's reassurance so no trigger warning. I'm a 16 year old male so I'm in highschool with the pandemic and OCD my grades are doing terrible, I have a 42 in math and I feel it's just going to get worse. I have always planned on joining the Military and being a police officer. With the military me seeking any form of therepy, or medication is a instant disqualification. Even if I abandon my lifetime dream, likely hood of being hired as a police officer would be low. I'm starting to have negative side affects of stress and anxiety for so long. My hands have been shaking on occasion randomly, recently some small red marks like mosquito bites have been appearing on arms and chest. About 15 total, google apparently says it's from stress. I'm in a bad position and feel like everything has been taken from me with this. I don't know what to do. I wanted to have a job with a difference. Me going to university for say a doctor degree doesn't seem to be in the cards. I'm a shell of my former self. All I've wanted is to serve my country against all threats foreign and domestic, and to have a wife and kids. I don't see why this would happen to me. I knew everything I wanted from this god forsaken world. I've made posts here like this. But I do it again and I'm not sure what I'm expecting. Whoever reads this, thanks for taking time out of your short life to hear my troubles.

I’ve never been the type of person to open up about myself but these last 3 months have been the hardest, worst time of my life. I’m 16 years old, and I’ve been anxious and had anxiety my whole life. Over the last couple years I’ve learned how to cope with my anxiety and be a happy person. But one night in January, i was watching random videos on YouTube, and a video about serial killers came on. I’ve always been interested in crime shows/documentaries, so I didn’t think twice before deciding to click on it. In the middle of the video I had this intrusive thought that said “why do people murder loved ones or innocent people” and “what does it feel like to kill somebody” I am not aggressive, or have ever caused harm, but these thoughts scared me to death. I felt a instant shock of anxiety and panic immediately. I thought something was wrong with me. I turned my phone off and went to bed hoping the next day I would forget about it. Unfortunately I never forgot about the thoughts, and still have intrusive thoughts that affect my day to day life. I feel so hopeless, even after seeing a therapist, and being on Prozac for 5 weeks I don’t feel a difference. Every time I try to be positive and tell myself “they’re just thoughts” ocd tells me, “yeah sure, but what if you did these things”? “What if you WANT to do these things”? I stress that I might actually want to do these horrible things secretly and am convinced that one day I will commit these crimes. I don’t know what to do anymore, I feel so hopeless, and even being around my girlfriend who used to bring me so much joy, I still can’t be my regular self. Please I feel so hopeless and sad I can’t even do the things I used to enjoy, remembering I have these thoughts is with me 24/7 from the second I wake up to the second I fall asleep. Anybody have advice? Sorry for the rant I just needed to get this off my chest. I just want to be normal again and enjoy being around my family and my girlfriend again

I can't get medication or therepy and I can't take this anymore. I've been a straight man my entire life, always wanted a wife and this says otherwise. The thing worse than the thoughts and disgusting images is the groinal response. I can't take this anymore. Six months of this shit and a garbage year in general. Covid, my girlfriend cheating and leaving, laid off at work despite working hard, total isolation, then this. I had ocd during childhood and youth now it's back. This has said many things over the years but the things it's said past six months are, -Ive always been trans but never knew -Im want to be trans -Im a pédo -Im a râpist - I'm a traitor to my country -Id rather fight for the axis than the allies -Our veterans are scumbags -I want to beat women -I want to load a shotgun and shoot my family -I like incest -I want to fuck animals -im going to hell - I don't believe in my Catholic faith - The one that's been the worst, I'm gay I don't want to be or do those things. I don't. I've thought of myself as a decent man and I loved who I was before this. I don't want to live anymore. I've looked for reasons to keep going yet I find nothing. The whole "You have so much to live for!" has only given me little hope and strength in the early stages of this. It does nothing for me anymore. With the groinal response it's like I've turned gay. HOCD It's attacked friends, people I look up to, family. So many people. I just want to curl up and die. I just want to fucking die

Hey everyone, I’m really struggling right now. Here’s a little backstory. I’ve had extreme OCD since I was 10. I’m 18 now and for the last year I’ve had crippling health anxiety. The first 6-months of my health anxiety was all physical health related like heart attack’s, cancer, tumors, ect. I probably went to the emergencies 10 times and I had 14 EKGS done, 3 Ct scans and a mri. I would go to the er because I was convinced I was having a heart attack at 18. Eventually I got over my physical health anxiety and haven’t been to the emergencies in 6 months. Sadly things have been much, much worse. Now my worries are purely mental health related. I switch between schizophrenia, bipolar and borderline personality disorder, and Dissociative Identity Disorder. Ive been sure that I have every one of these at one point or another. Some nights I’ll be sure I have schizophrenia or someone nights I’ll be worried about bi polar. I was prescribed lexapro a year ago but can never get myself to take it for more that a week. I’m suffering so bad, whenever I try to take medicine I get convinced I’m in mania and end up stopping the medicine. I want to take the medicine, but I get so scared that I’ll go into mania and loose my job and my girlfriend.But I need medicine, I spend hours at night researching mental health conditions. But I’m also a health freak and am into dieting and exercising and I try to tell myself that supplements and a large dose of cbd oil will do the trick that lexapro does. I’ve laid down on my floor convinced that I’m going to go into phycosis. l started experiencing dissociation, which made me start worrying I have DID. Im in a constant cycle of pain. I just want to feel better again. I can’t even go to to public highschool anymore. My senior year was ruined by my ocd. Every day I wake up fully convinced I will go insane. Deep down I know I won’t but I just can’t stop thinking it. Im begging for anyone to give me advice, or atleast for someone to talk to about it. My insta is Triston_keifer if anyone can give me some advice.