GUYS I'M REALLY FREAKING OUT I MIGHT KILL MYSELF I just remembered how my HOCD started. Some months ago, I drew this picture of a sad girl who was crying and was in huge pain and distress. I don't really know why I drew this but I was very proud because the drawing came out to be really well. A few months pass, and I had this drawing in front of me while some sad music was playing on my phone. I was staring at the drawing, praising myself for how nicely I drew it, feeling very good about myself... Then, in my head, I started telling the crying girl in the picture to stop crying and that it will all be okay And then, in a split second I HAD A THOUGHT OF FUCKING KISSING THE GIRL. THEN THE WHOLE CYCLE STARTED. I SWEAR TO GOD I'VE NEVER BEEN ATTRACTED TO FEMALES. I always get really jealous of girls who look pretty because even I want to look like them Never in my life did I ever think about having sex with a girl Even when I fantasise, it's always about men and boys my age and above I'M REALLY DISTRESSED I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

straight girl suffering from hocd, okay so when i was younger i looked at like a girl corn star insta for like 2 weeks and like did get aroused by it, didn’t think much of it still fancied boys, girls were like ew no to me, but its triggering my hocd so badly, like is it normal that i could look at a sexy pic of a girl n get aroused by it, but like a shirtless pic of a boy i wouldn’t, however i have insane attraction to men irl, i love my boyfriend, i love the idea of being with a man and hate the idea of being with a woman, this really freaking me out!

I need too know that I'm not insane, really. I am 16 and for the past two weeks, this has been completely ruining my health and happiness. I only recently came out as a lesbian like 3 months ago after a lot of confusion about my attraction since I used to think I liked men. At first, I felt so sure that I liked women, but lately, I've been having these unwanted thoughts about the possibility of liking men. I never used to feel this way, but now, every time I look at a man, my brain obsessively fixates on it. It forces me to imagine kissing him, loving him, things I don’t want, and then tries to convince me that I do. It’s painful. The thought of this fills me with fear and anxiety, leading to panic attacks and breakdowns. I don’t want these thoughts. I hate them with every fiber of my being, but I’m terrified that one day I’ll act on them and somehow like it. I used to think I liked men, but back then, I was in a very unhealthy space in a time of escapism and something deeply parasocial. I’ve only ever liked the attention and validation a man could give me, but these experiences are somehow treated as further proof that I’m "bisexual." I’ve never been in a real relationship with anyone, which makes my brain constantly challenge me—telling me, “You don’t even know what love feels like.” It won’t shut up. It keeps obsessively trying to make me prove that I’m a lesbian, testing my reactions and questioning my certainty. Is this normal?

I feel like I'm lying to myself, like I just don't accept that I'm gay, I don't want to be gay, I don't want to feel any kind of attraction anymore, I want to go to a psychologist to find out if I really have hocd or if it's just an excuse, because it feels like I really am gay, but nothing was authentic, it all started with thoughts that made me panic extremely hard and I felt like crying and I had delusions, I don't understand why this is happening to me, I didn't like any boys before the thoughts appeared, but exactly one day after they appeared, all the boys were attractive, of all ages, I want to recover :( I'm only 17 years old, for about 2 months I've been having thoughts, I don't know what to do, I can't go to a psychologist, I need help :(