it’s perfectly healthy to think about experimenting it’s perfectly healthy to think about experimenting it’s perfectly healthy to think about experimenting this doesn’t mean i’m bisexual

omg thank you soooo much for responding!!! i’ve accepted that i do have lesbian fantasies and it doesn’t mean a thing about me and i felt better once i came to terms with that. it’s just i don’t know whether i would act them out and know what arousal is and sexual attraction but i can’t tell if i would desire that ever i feel like i do but i can’t really say that because that’s predicting the future i believe but i do have a therapist and i’m working on mindfulness which really helped but it’s just this need to know if i actually want this.

This is really amazing to me. I'm a friend of Holley and it hurts seeing her ask the same question every single day to try and get a definitive answer. Even if I feel she did get an answer she would go back to reassurance seeking. It's really sad to see. I'm so thankful that you've showed up and gave such a generous answer that even helps me and I don't even have the theme in terms of OCD. I have problems when it comes to porn and the three things you listed such as ruminating, reasurrance, and realizing that everyone is different in terms of the porn they watch. I know I definitely have had my fantasies go bizzare at a young age and when I watched a lot of porn. When I was much younger though I tried acting them out but I don't act out anything else or nothing anymore. In fact, I'm trying to abstain from these things in general because I feel like I would be much better off without it. So far I'm 7 days clean. Just as I'm trying my best to cut ties with porn and masturbating, my OCD is convincing me that I've watched videos that were too inappropriate and came across bad websites that were more than just porn. When I look back to think about it, it's true that I've seen very bizarre videos and came across websites I wish I never seen. To this day I question why they're accessible in the first place. I remember searching vague search terms under taboo themes that trigger my sexual OCD and POCD. All I've been doing is worrying about the porn I've seen, may or may not have liked and how much it escalated ever since I first found out about porn. I worry that I saw illegal things. I worry that I'm a criminal and I worry that I'm a Deviant for these things. I feel like porn has ruined my life. I'm trying so hard to sit with the uncertainty and to not Ruminate and to not beat myself up over these things pretty much. It feels impossible. I feel like I've committed crimes. I haven't been in therapy yet either because I'm afraid to get it

@holley Sure, this is very common. Please try to not receive any reassurance from me, but I do want to tell you that this is not taboo in anyway and lots of women go through this. In fact, I'd say most straight women do question themselves (probably more than men because women have a tendency to have the "male gaze" from a young age, meaning that they achieve desire from knowing what a man likes). There are also more mirror neurons in women, which are neurons that relay "empathy" - so women can be aroused by non concordance images moreso than men. If you didn't have SOOCD, you would be able to realize this fairly quickly and let it be. But you are fixated on finding an answer. There is no answer, sis. You are who you are, period. "I don't know if I would want to in real life" is such an obsessive, black and white way of looking at your situation. "What if, what if, what if" is not how you beat this thing. Get your head in the game and work on stopping that rumination. It is KILLING you. When was the last time you had a good day? When was the last time you let yourself have a break? Probably not for a very long time. Show yourself some compassion and get off this damn app for a while :) I'm here if you need more support.

@BigGip09 Hey, congratulations on staying clean! :) Porn is very destructive and can cause a plethora of issues (such as feeling dissatisfied with your partner or having doubts about your orientation). I've also had POCD and lots of sexual OCD themes, you are NEVER alone on here. As an advocate, my heart goes out to you and your experiences. Between me and you, I'm actually a graduate student in neuroscience and clinical psychology. I am working every day to find new ways to help us. My love and compassion goes out to you guys. Keep fighting the good fight and be proud to be who you are. You don't have to carry that guilt or that shame around - let it go and work on being who you are RIGHT now, not who you may become. Bless you and your mind and give yourself a chance to have a great day :)❤

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. I'm so glad you agree. I do not think porn is healthy and all it has done for me has made me anxious, have twisted distorted perceptions, question my sexuality at very early points in development, and a dissatisfaction with normal attraction with women. Ever since I've been cutting it down day by day, the attractions have been coming back stronger, I've been thinking about girls more, and I just feel better over the fact that I'm not watching porn or masturbating. I'm just glad I've been able to cut down one compulsion rather than none of them. I just want to give my heart out to pretty much you and all the other advocates in this community. I love every single one of you for helping out stuffers that just want to get better. I just love seeing people be there for others in the way they need them to be. I've been trying my best not to carry the guilt around. Or carry the shame. On one hand I'm so glad that I'm cutting down these compulsions, but on the other hand OCD tells me it's too late because of my core fears. What if I really did commit a crime or something? I also have an extremely important question: How can I stop ruminating, reasurrance seeking, and practice the acceptance with these things with a different perception? How did you beat your sexual themes? How can I beat real event? Also, I love psychology. Good on you for working in that field!

@BigGip09 First, I would argue that the goal isn't to beat the disorder, but to manage it. For most of us, we will live with these themes for the rest of our lives. The trick is to accept that and alleviate the symptoms. Real event OCD is a very interesting topic. I'm actually studying how there may be distortions in memory from the hippocampus region to the amygdala. My best guess is this: before the theme began, these "real events" were merely memories (the hippocampus stores these experiences). However, after a spike or trigger occurs, I believe that there is a shift of that memory that goes from being an average, "harmless" event to becoming something extremely sinister, disturbing and all too real. The memory goes from the hippocampus to the amygdala (the amygdala is the portion of the brain that is responsible for fear, aggression and hunger responses. Ironically, it also stores fearful memories). How does this shift happen? That's what I am going to find out for us. In the meantime, I believe our best bet is to realize this shift and to become cognizant of our reactions. We must be aware that before these triggers, they were just merely memories or events that occurred. Remember that memories are easily distorted and cloudy to begin with. OCD makes this distortion ten times more confusing for us. The solution that I have right now is to recognize the possibility that it may be true, and to try to not rationalize it or compulsively push it away. You don't have to become friends with the thought, but you can become acquaintances. It is merely a misfiring in your brain, that's how you must understand it. Now, some other helpful tips I've personally learned (but I have no evidence scientifically) are: 1. Don't drink caffeine 2. Urges are okay to have. The goal is to sit with them. 3. Work on mindfulness. A lot of people will tell you things like "sit with the uncertainty." But what does that mean?! You ask yourself that because to you, it sounds like gibberish probably because it doesn't give you a clear guideline of what the hell you're supposed to actually be doing in that moment. Luckily, I have a method and I think it works pretty well. The method is to have one thing in mind: Stop looking for an answer. When you're ruminating, for example, you're contemplating and weighing your decisions and feelings. Feelings are fleeting things; they're not solid or truthful in many ways. "You watched something illegal" it might say to you. And your immediate reaction is to think about the vivid details and replay them over and over again, hoping that you'll find a solution. You will not and CANNOT find one. As soon as you begin to replay images and events (or sometimes you actually create scenarios to "see how you would react") you are playing right into the OCD cycle. Though it's so TEMPTING to want to find an answer, your only job is to NOT find one. No, it will not make the thoughts true if you stop. And no, I'm not telling you to ignore them. I'm simply saying that when the thoughts arise, DO NOT seek an answer. Don't replay things, don't create scenarios and don't try to find a solution. That is what they mean when they say "sit with the uncertainty." I hope that clears a few things up for you. :)

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. Wow... I don't know what to say. All of this is really eye opening. I think you're right about the theory of these thoughts being mere memories that we haven't reacted to or shown any fear with at first. The first thing that comes to mind is my sexting events. When I was 15-17 I had gone through those things but I've stopped. At the time they weren't bothersome to me until I got an intensely strong fear response towards older chat logs I found at the time. This is what started it all, mainly my POCD and real event. I don't know why I reacted that way and I don't know why how it started it but that's how things ended up being for myself. I'm fully aware that these events didn't bother me before I had OCD so these are the ones I worry about less. When it comes to my porn habits and worrying about the videos I watched, that was during my OCD. I don't know if that changes anything but it makes me feel I can't see it like the other event I told you about. I end up feeling like all the possibilities are true fully because of OCD and try to look at it in all the ways I can. Sometimes I try accepting the thought but don't agree with it. I also somewhat feel like OCD has changed my thinking about things in general. I never really used to think negatively about porn until OCD hit. I never used to be insanely triggered over sexual things or even jokes along those lines. I used to watch things relating to my fear which is jail and I used to laugh at those things.. I feel like this has really changed so many things for me in terms of my thinking. And you're right. I think about the vivid details all the time and I can't get a straight answer. Sometimes I think I have and it uses "proof" against me but I just don't know what to believe anymore. For a while I haven't worried about my thoughts but my OCD then made me worried because I... Wasn't worrying. Whenever I don't worry it convinces me that I'm ok with these things, I'm off the hook, and it tells me that what I did was the worst thing ever to do in the world and I'm ok with it. I have lots of urges to sit with. Urges to give myself pleasure, urges to ruminate, urges to worry, urges to feel bad. It's like a mission for me to worry yet it doesn't do anything. How do you work on mindfulness personally? I've been trying to be kind to myself with things like "Things will get better. You don't do the things you used to do. You want to get away from your addiction. That's good. You're a good person like many people on here and in your life think. You're going to be okay. Breathe." And sometimes it helps but then I feel like I'm being a person that has some complex that they can't do no wrong or OCD will tell me "So you're okay with what you did you monster you could get in big trouble" and I just get stuck. Ruminating is auto pilot for me so it's hard to stop even if I want to.

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. You're definitely helping me though. Thank you for just being here with me. I do appreciate your help and I won't hesitate to try and get all the advice I can

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. Also, I like to think that if I wasn't bothered by this stuff, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't have asked for help. I would have kept going in this cycle. But OCD likes to make me forget about that kind of thinking. And through googling (I know this is bad but it helped me...) I saw that what people really care about when it comes to illegal viewings on adult content people that are usually in trouble are the ones that hoard it, pay for it, make it, or host it and not really anybody that may have seen it once. This kind of thinking calms me down a lot

@BigGip09 Worrying about not worrying is very common. We call this a back door spike! I actually had one not too long ago, but I was able to manage it because I was prepared mentally. We are constantly doubting ourselves and using proof to either revoke or prove our fears. You would think that with so much reflection, we'd find an answer (spoiler alert: we never do) :) nonetheless, it is important to know your limits each day. Being mindful isn't what you think. A lot of vlogs and videos and meditative guides are out there, but from my understanding, they aren't truly effective for us. Why? Well, it's probably because it is next to impossible to not focus on something. We hyper focus on the tiniest details. Take our friend, Holley, for example. One case of non concordance arousal and she could be devastated. I've noticed that mindfulness for an OCD patient is a lot more complicated than for a regularly functioning brain. We have to know what we're working with, which is an overactive amygdala. You can't just throw someone who is terrified of something in a yoga session and expect them to feel relaxed. Instead, what I think works best is something I've personally labeled as "productive distractions." Let me make a distinction here and say that I'm not proposing that a sufferer should ignore their OCD. Instead, they should be doing ERP and facing the fear. However, it is perfectly healthy for someone who is going through ERP to positively distract themselves while going through it. For example, if you are watching a triggering video for ERP, it is okay to eat your favorite snack or to pet your animals while doing so. You're teaching yourself that you're okay and that you're surviving your fear. You are trying to stop the rumination process while exposing yourself. Likewise, a bad way to distract yourself would be to do an exposure, ignore the exposure, and start a compulsive behavior to distract (i.e. seeking reassurance or compulsively ruminating). Do you see the difference? In one example, you are fully aware of the exposure and not ignoring it yet giving yourself a positive reinforcement, and in the other example, you are running away from the fear and seeking reassurance or truth. Both use distractions, but one is not mindful. Mindfulness can come in many ways. Acceptance is a big factor. Reading inspiring stories can be mindful. Starting a new project can give a new perspective. Talking to friends and families about things outside of your OCD is also important. Much of the time we are so caught up in our worries that we can't even enjoy simple conversations with people. We go on autopilot and respond with basic information because we are too busy trying to solve the giant rubics cube in our heads. Mindfulness for an OCD sufferer is putting yourself out there even when you don't feel like you have the energy or willpower to do so. It is telling yourself that even though you have guilt, doubt and uncertainty, that you are going to make today a better day. I hope this helps :)

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. i know it is fairly common absolutely but it’s just i can’t tell if i desire it and i want to stop ruminating but i just can’t. your reply helped a lot :)

Same 😢

Bicurious

@YesYou Her brain is giving false attractions and messages so in order to alleviate the anxiety she is accepting the uncertainty. Maybe she is bi maybe not it's ok either way.

excuse me???? really??? why would you say something like that. i have a boyfriend of course i don’t want to experiment

@YesYou i’m not bicurious either

@holley but you’re the one who said you wanted to, why are you mad?

@ocdear i didn’t say i WANTED to did you not read my post? i’m accepting the uncertainty about my obsession. i’m not sexually attracted to girls really anyway because i don’t go and see a girl i would like to have sex with but thanks i’m crying kow

@holley girl it’s literally not anyone’s fault. how are we suppose to know you have a bf or whatever from this one post? i don’t know your life story so there’s no reason to be reacting like this.

@ocdear maybe it’s because you triggered me have you ever thought about that

@holley HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW YOU HAD A BF? DO I KNOW YOU PERSONALLY? NO! jesus christ. HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW YOU WERE ACCEPTING THE UNDERTAINTY? i’m not in your head nor do i know you personally get a grip

@ocdear stop yelling at me. i’m really sensitive you can’t just assume things when someone is suffering with ocd of any kind. you just need to calm down i got upset because it triggered me

@holley and you can’t just expect people to know everything about you from one fucking post. i ask you a question, one question and now you’re freaking out. i’m done with this conversation

@ocdear okay then be done but you said i sound bisexual and that automatically made me panic so i would like an apology and i’m sorry for being rude i just got really sad

@holley maybe instead of panicking you should accept the uncertainty like you were originally planning to with this post

@ocdear you can’t tell me if someone told you that you sound or your obsession seemed real or true yiu woukdnt get slightly upset about it

@holley ofcourse i’d get upset but i wouldn’t start assuming that they know my entire life history when i had never spoken to them before. the best thing to do is accept the uncertiantiy of the thing they just stated you to be instead of panicking.

@ocdear well i do have a personality disorder so sometimes i get upset very easily at people but you didn’t really even ask a question yiu just stated that i sounded bi

@holley well there’s another thing i didn’t know about you

@holley and i said correct me if i’m wrong, i didn’t expect you to go off on me

@ocdear i got defensive because it’s something i’m unsure about i’m sorry

@holley I know you're not.