I am a full recluse. I panic when I try to step outside. When people ask my parents about me, they tell them that I just like staying at home. I hate that. People must believe that I don't consider them worth my time and effort. My parents ( particularly my Dad) seem to be trying to hide my mental illness. Dad said that it's a reflection on him and that people will think I'm mistreated. I can't stop thinking about it. I just feel physically and mentally trapped. I don't know what to do.

Earlier I posted about trying to get back to sitting on my sofa without a blanket covering it. And I did it, but now my day has been ruined. I left for two seconds and my cat decided to sit there, so now it's not clean anymore. This is because sometimes she's had number two stuck to her and no longer trust that she's clean. It took so much for me to just do that and sit without a blanket and now I'm just so done. I'm also scared to walk anywhere in my house. We sometimes get slugs in our conservatory and I don't walk in there anymore because there can be slug slime trails (it's carpet). The thing is, my mum regularly goes in there, my dad too. And then they proceed to walk around the rest of the house without changing shoes or anything. I'm just panicking because I was having a good day and now I feel like I'm isolated to my bedroom.

Idk if im the only one but I've literally just been holed up in my bedroom for the past 3 months and have barely gone out especially in the last 2. I'm too scared to leave and interact with people normally because I feel like a criminal and like someone who doesn't deserve to be around others. But in the same breath, I'm starting to hate my bedroom. It just feels like all my negative emotions are being bottled up and stored in here. I keep telling myself I should go out and take a walk and maybe it will feel better to just be out in the fresh air. But also don't want to because I'm quite lethargic on top of not eating that much either. Just feeling... stuck.

Yesterday I had a panic attack from OCD fears. I live alone, so in my panic I called my mum just to get some emotional support. It did not go well. I was asking for reassurnce to much and basically she got annoyed with me and started to chastise me. She said I was being ridiculous and accused me of just making up my symptoms to emotionally manipulate her. She even went as far as threatening to call the police on me to have me sectioned. I feel so humiliated. I know that I can be annoying during my panic attacks, and that my OCD puts a massive toll on my familiy. But I don't want to manipulate people. Now, I feel like an abuser. In these moments, seeing how much my weakness makes my family suffer makes me just want to not be here anymore.