TW: EXPLICIT CONTENT TOWARDS END I can’t stop crying because it feels like I’m truly a lesbian. I read the stupid comp het doc which was obviously something I shouldn’t have done but I gave in. Relationships when I was younger were never a big thing for me because well I was still too young. So when I had crushes it was always more about the fuzzy feeling and just wanting to be close to my guy crushes or thinking about their touch. When I had my first silly 8th grade boyfriend I remember always being scared to hold his hand and kiss him and hug him because I felt self-conscious of myself and everyone watching but I still did enjoy it. Looking back I feel like I might’ve just liked my him because he liked me but I thought that was normal for middle school things, except the first thing happened my freshman year of high school as well with my toxic ex. It wasn’t love and I hate remembering about him because it really was just something dumb and obsessive but when I did like him I did enjoy being held but now I wonder if it was just the attention I liked. I’m now in a relationship with my boyfriend of over a year and I’m terrified that I’m not actually in love with him and only his attention but that just doesn’t feel right because we have such a strong bond. He was a natural flirt so that definitely caught my attention but it was more than that, he just seemed like such an amazing person to me and that has not changed since we started dating. I used to have major rocd over whether or not I actually loved him but I got past that theme but now it might be back. I love him so much, he’s been there through everything and I know I could be happy without him so it’s not like I’m dependent on him, but I choose to be happy with him because he brings me that warm feeling inside my heart. When I’m with him I feel safe and I want to have a genuine future with him. It also doesn’t help that my family is homophobic, my grandma condemns it and I tried explaining to her but she just told me that even if I was I didn’t have to “act on it” which made me break into tears. Not because I am lesbian, but because it would hurt so much to know she wouldn’t support me if I was. Another thing that worries me is that maybe I don’t like intimacy enough with him, but the truth is he’s the first person I’ve been so intimate with and well we’re both still virgins so we haven’t been able to fully explore. Truth be told I didn’t always like giving oral but I thought it was because porn set me into that mind-frame that intimacy was all about the woman being used. The first time we did things was very exciting and fun for me!But I was also very nervous and scared and well my anxiety doesn’t help but there have been times where I do enjoy giving oral, what I don’t like is when it’s all we can do and I also have a terrible habit of comparing myself to other girls and wanting to be perfect at it. I never thought it meant I was a lesbian. I love my partner and I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else or be intimate with anyone else. I still don’t like the idea of being with a girl like that, I have never even fantasized about it before and well it just doesn’t feel like me but now my brain is telling me that it is me, that it’s always been me and all the things I used to perceive as normal actually mean I’m lesbian and I hate it. Someone please give me advice to fight this and how to recover from such a major compulsion , I haven’t ruminated like this in so so long and it feels like I failed myself or like I’m giving in to something I just don’t want.

AveryK

Date posted: 4y

I’m going through something very similar. It almost sounds like you’re writing out my thoughts lol. It’s always comforting for me when my therapist tells me that I know I love my partner and want to be with him. And these fears/obsessions are all intrusive and unwanted which is the opposite of lesbian behavior. And OCD lies to us all the time.

PinkLotus

Date posted: 4y

Glad to know you’re not alone and yeah it helps me to write them down too lol. I don’t have a therapist yet sadly but I’m doing as much research and self-care as I can and I’m already doing better but well healing is linear and some days are always worse than other. I know I want to continue to build a strong romantic and physical connection with my partner and so I’ll stick with my gut to the very end. sending love and strength ❤️

Heleni

Date posted: 4y

Ugh the masterdoc. I remember when I read it, I fell into a deep hole of rumination because it made me beyond terrified. I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone with this. The masterdoc is a huge trigger for women with hocd I Heard this all a hundred times from different people. I don’t want to give you to much reassurance but the masterdoc is not meant for people with ocd. I also heard that it is really overgeneralized because there is stuff on there which could apply in fact to every girl for very different reasons. I know how though it is but as I said you’re not alone. You can talk to me whenever you want <3

PinkLotus

Date posted: 4y

Yup, it’s definitely super triggering and most DEFINITELY not for people with hocd lol but yeah I’m realizing that as well that every thing on that doc could apply to anyone for multiple reasons as every human experience is different. I feel better since I posted and tomorrow I’m going to write down whatever compulsions I have left and try to cut them down little by little. Thank you so much for your support and likewise I’m here for you as well whenever you may need it! <3

cesca

Date posted: 4y

Ah the master doc caused me to almost break up with boyfriend. Some tools I’ve picked up with it is to remember that I’d love myself no matter what, if it does turn out my attractions to boys is only comphet then I’d still love myself no matter what and my boyfriend would be ok as people always are. But it’s also helpful, and this may be a bit reassuring, to see the master doc more for those who do identify and want to lesbian but are having doubts about whether they can use that identity as they have had or do have some attractions to men, rather than to convince those that don’t identify or don’t want to identify as a lesbian that they are.

wewillbeokay

Date posted: 4y

I also think the master doc can literally apply to anyone it’s so generalized

cesca

Date posted: 4y

@emma123 Yes definitely, that’s why I don’t think it’s meant to be there to convince people that they’re a lesbian, it’s more like reassurances to those that are but worry as they’ve had some opposite sex attractions. Two bullets points I remember literally say if you like feminine men then you could be but also if you like manly men you could be, so does that mean that women can only like the guys in between? 😂

cesca

Date posted: 4y

@cesca *those that identify as straight or bi women

PinkLotus

Date posted: 4y

@cesca Yup! I’ve definitely calmed down and I’ve realized that I need to stop trying to connect myself to other people because my story is mine alone. I love my partner and I want to be with him and I’ll stick with my gut for as long as I can <3

cesca

Date posted: 4y

@Pinklotus Motivating me to do the same! Glad you’re feeling better

Heleni

Date posted: 4y

I‘m so happy to hear that you calm down a little and that sound like a really good plan! You can be sooo proud of yourself for getting back an track after such a hard trigger :) thanks I really appreciate that 💕

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