- Date posted
- 4y
- Date posted
- 4y
I’m going through something very similar. It almost sounds like you’re writing out my thoughts lol. It’s always comforting for me when my therapist tells me that I know I love my partner and want to be with him. And these fears/obsessions are all intrusive and unwanted which is the opposite of lesbian behavior. And OCD lies to us all the time.
- Date posted
- 4y
Glad to know you’re not alone and yeah it helps me to write them down too lol. I don’t have a therapist yet sadly but I’m doing as much research and self-care as I can and I’m already doing better but well healing is linear and some days are always worse than other. I know I want to continue to build a strong romantic and physical connection with my partner and so I’ll stick with my gut to the very end. sending love and strength ❤️
- Date posted
- 4y
Ugh the masterdoc. I remember when I read it, I fell into a deep hole of rumination because it made me beyond terrified. I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone with this. The masterdoc is a huge trigger for women with hocd I Heard this all a hundred times from different people. I don’t want to give you to much reassurance but the masterdoc is not meant for people with ocd. I also heard that it is really overgeneralized because there is stuff on there which could apply in fact to every girl for very different reasons. I know how though it is but as I said you’re not alone. You can talk to me whenever you want <3
- Date posted
- 4y
Yup, it’s definitely super triggering and most DEFINITELY not for people with hocd lol but yeah I’m realizing that as well that every thing on that doc could apply to anyone for multiple reasons as every human experience is different. I feel better since I posted and tomorrow I’m going to write down whatever compulsions I have left and try to cut them down little by little. Thank you so much for your support and likewise I’m here for you as well whenever you may need it! <3
- Date posted
- 4y
Ah the master doc caused me to almost break up with boyfriend. Some tools I’ve picked up with it is to remember that I’d love myself no matter what, if it does turn out my attractions to boys is only comphet then I’d still love myself no matter what and my boyfriend would be ok as people always are. But it’s also helpful, and this may be a bit reassuring, to see the master doc more for those who do identify and want to lesbian but are having doubts about whether they can use that identity as they have had or do have some attractions to men, rather than to convince those that don’t identify or don’t want to identify as a lesbian that they are.
- Date posted
- 4y
I also think the master doc can literally apply to anyone it’s so generalized
- Date posted
- 4y
@emma123 Yes definitely, that’s why I don’t think it’s meant to be there to convince people that they’re a lesbian, it’s more like reassurances to those that are but worry as they’ve had some opposite sex attractions. Two bullets points I remember literally say if you like feminine men then you could be but also if you like manly men you could be, so does that mean that women can only like the guys in between? 😂
- Date posted
- 4y
@cesca *those that identify as straight or bi women
- Date posted
- 4y
@cesca Yup! I’ve definitely calmed down and I’ve realized that I need to stop trying to connect myself to other people because my story is mine alone. I love my partner and I want to be with him and I’ll stick with my gut for as long as I can <3
- Date posted
- 4y
@Pinklotus Motivating me to do the same! Glad you’re feeling better
- Date posted
- 4y
I‘m so happy to hear that you calm down a little and that sound like a really good plan! You can be sooo proud of yourself for getting back an track after such a hard trigger :) thanks I really appreciate that 💕
Related posts
- Date posted
- 19w
I need too know that I'm not insane, really. I am 16 and for the past two weeks, this has been completely ruining my health and happiness. I only recently came out as a lesbian like 3 months ago after a lot of confusion about my attraction since I used to think I liked men. At first, I felt so sure that I liked women, but lately, I've been having these unwanted thoughts about the possibility of liking men. I never used to feel this way, but now, every time I look at a man, my brain obsessively fixates on it. It forces me to imagine kissing him, loving him, things I don’t want, and then tries to convince me that I do. It’s painful. The thought of this fills me with fear and anxiety, leading to panic attacks and breakdowns. I don’t want these thoughts. I hate them with every fiber of my being, but I’m terrified that one day I’ll act on them and somehow like it. I used to think I liked men, but back then, I was in a very unhealthy space in a time of escapism and something deeply parasocial. I’ve only ever liked the attention and validation a man could give me, but these experiences are somehow treated as further proof that I’m "bisexual." I’ve never been in a real relationship with anyone, which makes my brain constantly challenge me—telling me, “You don’t even know what love feels like.” It won’t shut up. It keeps obsessively trying to make me prove that I’m a lesbian, testing my reactions and questioning my certainty. Is this normal?
- Date posted
- 16w
hi i’m a lesbian! and i have known im a lesbian for a really long time and i have a sweet girlfriend of 1 year. it all started when i saw this masc lesbian come out as straight, after that i had my guy friend over and he’s a sweet guy and he was flirting with me (he didn’t know i was gay) im not sure but i panicked and my brain froze and i was like “do i like him”, ever since my brain has been over worked 24/7 for 2 months now and it’s spiralling constantly. im trying to control it but all these thoughts are so disgusting and my brain tries to put him and i in scenarios that make me uncomfortable and i feel panic and i hate it. i have always been comfortable being a lesbian and i still am comfortable as a lesbian, but i dislike these thoughts i have about him and men and i want it to be over. i do not want to experiment with men even tho my brain is telling me i do, i find it disgusting and i dread it, i have a sweet girlfriend and i want to be with her forever, i do not imagine anything with any men and i hate these thoughts. im scared of becoming bisexual/straight one day and i hate hearing sexuality is fluid. its a whole mix of comphet and so-ocd
- Date posted
- 13w
I tried checking if I like gay stuff and it’s genuinely disgusting to me. I can tell whether or not a man is attractive and when they are it does scare me and makes me question myself yet, it’s always the same response, I don’t get how you can do that with another man. Doing anything sexual just feels so gross and wrong. I don’t think that I am magically turning gay. I don’t think my orientation is changing or hasn’t been explored. I simply find that stuff gross. I have never had anything wrong with gay people and I am a true believer that people have choices they can make with free will so it’s not that I’m homophobic, just keep that stuff away from me lol. Saying so, I don’t get why I am getting these thoughts. These images in my head, constant need of checking if I fall in the spectrum, constant checking whether I like someone of any gender, constant checking whether or not I am getting groinal responses. No matter what answer I get, my mind still wants an answer, an answer to the next question that it’ll create after answering the one before it. I have always liked girls and always been so proud of it, I am in a relationship right now with a beautiful girl I’ve had a crush on since 2nd grade. (I am 19) Whatever mental illness I have has ruined our relationship. Everything feels forced on my side, I don’t remember the joy I had before this but I have glimpse throughout the days of the things we’ve done together that makes me happy and look forward to life. I am constantly checking to see if my attraction is still there for her and the scary part is, when I am stuck in my head, I am not but, to alter that, when I get that freedom and feel like my normal self, I get a hyper amount of love for her and it feels so nice. These thoughts all began after me and my girlfriend had an argument, 5 months ago we got in an argument over her not giving me enough space. She always wanted to be a part of a plan with my male friends. I never minded her when it was just us two so it’s not that I hated being with her, it was just that I had no time to be independent. ( I also had no job and nothing going for myself. ) One odd day after spending so much time stuck in the house due to weather, I had random thought on whether or not I truly loved her. We were only 4 months into the relationship so I didn’t have an answer and since it felt like I needed an answer, it became obsessive, I couldn’t stop checking. After hours with that thought, I started to wonder whether or not I was interested in other things like K I D S. This thought was an automatic no and I began to fight it. I wasn’t going to accept that, each day felt like a living hell. The questions would change each day, do I miss my ex, was my ex better, do I like my M O M, do I want to K I L L so and so, do I want to kill myself. One day I woke up and had it all in control, felt like magic, after I watched a video on ROCD and realized, oh, I am not the only one but, this is where my compulsions got even worse. I couldn’t stop checking the internet, seeing if I relate to others, watching more videos. I regret this everyday because this compulsion created so many new thoughts and questions for me to answer. About 2-3 weeks went by and a thought passed by that has been stuck with me since along with other thoughts. I thought back to what I did as kid and in the past. I remembered a traumatic event where my brother touched me (5yr old M) inappropriately. This made me question whether or not I liked it and I couldn’t find an answer, couple years (10yr old M) after that I unfortunately did the same to my cousin (8yr old M). I feel so much shame and guilt for it. My mind turned black and white, “Maybe this isn’t a do you like your girl or not but instead, maybe you just like boys I mean, you obviously never asked yourself if you like what you did so”. This question was terrifying for me because it meant that I could no longer love my girl, my whole life till now has been a lie. So I began to question everything in my past up to date to find an answer. No matter what answer I fed my mind, it would not be satisfied and simply create more questions. It felt like my mind was forcing me to be gay, whether or not I liked it. 4 months has passed and the questions have just gotten worse, something I was initially so afraid of. I am in constant fight or flight mode, I am always anxious and I can’t feel nothing. I get times of relief when I am reminded of my past, when my gf turns me on, or when I find an answer to question my mind conjured up. I started to go to church but it’s always been a struggle for me to believe. I can’t go to the gym anymore because everywhere I look I am questioning myself. My porn addiction has went away but mostly because I can’t find anything attractive anymore. I can only find comfort and discomfort. Something that was once so easy for me would 1 day be nonexistent and hard to live without. I don’t know what the truth is anymore. My life feels like a made-up lie. Though I have always loved women, fantasized about them, get extremely nervous around them, pray for them, romanticize them, etc. I now have no idea what it feels like to be in love, interested, or even happy for a woman. My attraction hasn’t vanished completely, I still can look a girl and be stunned, l simply just can’t destroy the feeling it gives me. I get so anxious and begin to question everything about the women, the feeling, myself. I am having a crisis.
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