- Username
- PinkLotus
- Date posted
- 3y ago
I’m going through something very similar. It almost sounds like you’re writing out my thoughts lol. It’s always comforting for me when my therapist tells me that I know I love my partner and want to be with him. And these fears/obsessions are all intrusive and unwanted which is the opposite of lesbian behavior. And OCD lies to us all the time.
Glad to know you’re not alone and yeah it helps me to write them down too lol. I don’t have a therapist yet sadly but I’m doing as much research and self-care as I can and I’m already doing better but well healing is linear and some days are always worse than other. I know I want to continue to build a strong romantic and physical connection with my partner and so I’ll stick with my gut to the very end. sending love and strength ❤️
Ugh the masterdoc. I remember when I read it, I fell into a deep hole of rumination because it made me beyond terrified. I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone with this. The masterdoc is a huge trigger for women with hocd I Heard this all a hundred times from different people. I don’t want to give you to much reassurance but the masterdoc is not meant for people with ocd. I also heard that it is really overgeneralized because there is stuff on there which could apply in fact to every girl for very different reasons. I know how though it is but as I said you’re not alone. You can talk to me whenever you want <3
Yup, it’s definitely super triggering and most DEFINITELY not for people with hocd lol but yeah I’m realizing that as well that every thing on that doc could apply to anyone for multiple reasons as every human experience is different. I feel better since I posted and tomorrow I’m going to write down whatever compulsions I have left and try to cut them down little by little. Thank you so much for your support and likewise I’m here for you as well whenever you may need it! <3
Ah the master doc caused me to almost break up with boyfriend. Some tools I’ve picked up with it is to remember that I’d love myself no matter what, if it does turn out my attractions to boys is only comphet then I’d still love myself no matter what and my boyfriend would be ok as people always are. But it’s also helpful, and this may be a bit reassuring, to see the master doc more for those who do identify and want to lesbian but are having doubts about whether they can use that identity as they have had or do have some attractions to men, rather than to convince those that don’t identify or don’t want to identify as a lesbian that they are.
I also think the master doc can literally apply to anyone it’s so generalized
@emma123 Yes definitely, that’s why I don’t think it’s meant to be there to convince people that they’re a lesbian, it’s more like reassurances to those that are but worry as they’ve had some opposite sex attractions. Two bullets points I remember literally say if you like feminine men then you could be but also if you like manly men you could be, so does that mean that women can only like the guys in between? 😂
@cesca *those that identify as straight or bi women
@cesca Yup! I’ve definitely calmed down and I’ve realized that I need to stop trying to connect myself to other people because my story is mine alone. I love my partner and I want to be with him and I’ll stick with my gut for as long as I can <3
@Pinklotus Motivating me to do the same! Glad you’re feeling better
I‘m so happy to hear that you calm down a little and that sound like a really good plan! You can be sooo proud of yourself for getting back an track after such a hard trigger :) thanks I really appreciate that 💕
Thinking about relationships makes me feel so bad. At this point both men and women trigger this obsession with trying to figure out what my sexuality is. I don’t really want to date anyone, I’ve been okay with this for over a year, and it’s not like I’ve been completely detached from the lgtbqia community. Like, I know lesbians and other wlw and for a long time I thought I was like bi (I think I’m honestly more aro than I realized), and I haven’t thought much, but ever since I realized I don’t want to share my future with anyone it’s like my brain is screeeeaming that this just means I’m a lesbian, when that’s never been a thought that crossed my mind. It’s definitely been better for me lately when I started cutting out compulsions and all that, but I’m still undiagnosed and I don’t know for sure what exactly is happening to me. If I was a lesbian I’d accept myself, but it’s the fact that it feels SO BAD when I think about it that makes me feel like I need to figure it out even more. Like is it anxiety because I don’t like it or anxiety because it’s like internalized homophobia? And it’s like omg I need to figure it out otherwise I’m just living a lie and I won’t ever be happy. I’ll get flashes of anxiety when I’m just watching a movie or a YouTube video about a boy band I like... and it throws things from the lesbian masterdoc in my face about how I had crushes on fictional characters and celebrities and how that’s something that lesbians do because it’s ‘safer’ to crush on unobtainable men. And it just feels bad bc I know I’ve had crushes on guys that were my friends too but I also have a lot of trauma and I wasn’t allowed to date growing up so that’s what I did to actually explore romance. When the anxiety spikes it makes me feel as if it was all a sign. What’s worse is that I started looking to aromanticism before I read the doc and there’s this bit about how some lesbians think they’re aro bc they don’t like men but never explore their attraction to women either and it’s like ahhhh what’s the truth. I don’t know anymore. Not thinking about it makes me antsy, & the second my anxiety spikes it’s hard to do anything during the rest of the day. I don’t want to think about falling in love and having relationships, I miss when I was just living life in the moment. I miss not thinking twice about when I found a guy attractive, or even a girl. Like it just makes my brain hurt so bad.
I feel like a lesbian. I feel bisexual. I feel like that’s what I want. It feels like I like the thoughts. I feel like I have to leave my boyfriend. I don’t want to lose him, but it feels like I need to leave him. I feel sick. I feel like I’m hiding it from myself and using ocd as a coverup. I don’t want to be one of those woman who find out they’re lesbians later than life. I’m afraid of being one of those woman who convince themselves they can be into men when they can’t. What if that’s me? What if I never enjoy sex with my boyfriend? I don’t enjoy it now, because every time I try to enjoy I get thoughts like, “you want him to be a woman. You’re not attracted to him. You’re not attracted to men. You need to leave him for a woman. You would enjoy sex with a woman.” I don’t want that to be true, but it feels like it secretly is. Am I denying my true sexuality? Is me thinking I have ocd just a coverup?? There’s a lot of proof for me being a lesbian that constantly haunts me. For example, I used to watch lesbian porn. But the thing that really bothers me is that I (TMI) masturbated to a picture of two cartoon characters as lesbians, videos of woman twerking, and music videos of woman. I don’t know why I did those things. It makes me feel like I would like having sex with a woman, because I liked seeing their bodies in porn and masturbated to it. I want to be with my boyfriend. I don’t want to leave, I don’t want to lead him on. But I can’t be happy around him, because sometimes he will cause these thoughts and memories to arise. I keep seeing lesbians on tik tok and i feel like I want to be with them. I keep thing about my boyfriend and marrying him, then I get the thought, “you don’t want to be with him, you want a wife when you’re older.” I also don’t want to be homophobic. I’m afraid of that. I’m supportive of the lgbtq community, but it doesn’t feel natural for me. The thought of ME specifically being lesbian or bi doesn’t make sense to me. Or at least didn’t. Now I feel like I want it :(
So my hocd started over 2 years ago (I’m 20 yrs old now), when I was having a conversation with one of my friends and the thought popped into the back of my head what if the reason I don’t have a crush on any guys at my high school is because I’m a lesbian. Since then my sexuality has been on my mind 24/7 I didn’t know this was ocd until about a year ago but i’m only seeking treatment now. The hocd ramped up when I felt super aroused watching a movie with topless women, something that had never happened when watching men. Thing is I genuinely think I’m gay now, I’ve had this for so long that at first the thoughts disgusted me and caused me anxiety but now they don’t anymore. I saw so many tiktok videos about “pipelines” of certain interests gay people have that triggered me and read the comphet masterdoc which made me cry when I read it because I related to so much of it. When I was a child I was never boy crazy, I never really crushed on boys in my class (to be fair there were only 7) however I do remember writing a love note to a boy in first grade and having an immense celebrity crush on a disney channel star. I remember to certain things I did as a child that lead me to think I am gay and they keep replaying over and over in my head. Thing is over the past year I’ve had crushes on 3 guys I’ve met through dating apps. The last one I actually hung out with and I had my first kiss/makeout session 2 months ago. After that my hocd calmed down I enjoyed kissing him it felt euphoric the whole drive home just replaying our dates in my head. But now I can’t get the thought out of my head what if I didn’t like it enough? I didn’t get butterflies when we kissed (i do when I think back about it though) and didnt feel super aroused like that time I watched that movie. I feel nothing when I look at pictures and videos of men but with women I started getting this warm feeling in my chest which stressed me out even more. Idk what I am anymore and it is driving me insane. Does anyone relate?
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