The thoughts are incredibly real at the moment. Thoughts that come into my mind include a vivid "You are gay, just accept it." The pressure is too much. It feels like my brain is being mushed and flattened I've reached yet another low and I'm here praying that these thoughts will stop bullying me and controlling my life.

I agree that we should give it to God and trust Him. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”

You’re going to get through this. Just keep telling yourself that whenever you feel weak. Peace is attainable. That life you talked about a while ago where you’re married to a woman and you have children is also attainable.

Found this on Pinterest. “Strength grows in the moments when you think you can’t go on but you keep going anyway.”

There's a truth to that. I just have to have faith that it'll be ok one day

Faith is huge and yes it will be ok someday??

I’m praying for you too.

If you want to talk I’m here

Oh I want that so so much. I was listening to some music the other day and for some reason I pictured myself in a car, my wife next to me and three children in the back. As if we were on a road trip. I started crying bc this image was so perfect and I want that more than anything. I know that married life and having a family is really hard, so I'm not delusional, but that's what I want it of life. I have to tell myself that I'll get through this, and you say and especially now, bc I am really weak

I feel so glad I’m not the only one with this issue. From the time I get up, sleep, get up again, get ready, eat, drive around, go to work (nothing but nonstop thoughts), and now home, I have thoughts. WITH GRs all day!!!!! I need motivation at work

That's pretty cool! I hope He helps you and all of us :)

I ended up going out to have dinner by myself. I still have a throbbing headache. My thoughts stem from memories (mostly curiosity to experiment) which came primarily from being bullied. As far back as I can remember I was only into girls. I had my first experience with a girl at the age of 10 and it was the most amazing thing. We basically kissed and felt each other's legs and thighs. That's when I started not being able to get girls out of my mind and constantly fantasized about them. Around the age of 13 all I wanted was to actually get with a girl, but I was being bullied at school and called a faggot, and other vulgar things. I even received a rape threat by a fellow male student. That's when intrusive thoughts kicked in and I couldn't get the idea of a possibility of being gay. To make a long story short I went through a period of testing myself (by myself) and this whole thing ended up disgusting me. It definitely wasn't me and I was so so sure of it. Shortly thereafter I fell in love with this girl, and then with another one. I even had a relationship both physical and emotional (although we never had sex bc she wanted to wait). Fast forward to today I went through a few really really stressful situations and this OCD type resurfaced. I spoke to a therapist a while back and he we went through my long history of I retesting in women and explained that it's expected that kids are curious about sex and the fact that I had that kind of reaction at the end sort of proves that that wasn't me. I just want to go back to my old life where I could only think of girls and just let everything go. I just want some peace.

@LaPink I'm in my late 20s. I've had OCD from far earlier than 13. My father died when I was really young and I've been plagued by various themes since then. Some silly and some bad like this one. Of course the trauma from moving to another city and being bullied didn't help. I don't know if there is anything anyone can say to help besides relating in some way.

I'm Christian as well. I'm sorry to hear that your father passed away. It's really hard losing a parent. I haven't taken any medication yet, but perhaps I should. But thoughts can't exactly be discarded and is weird that an OCD sufferer told you to do that. It's fine to find a situation overwhelming. You have to take one step at a time. You're not weird for not driving. Many people never even learn how to drive and it's perfectly fine.

I’m a Christian too. Have you noticed if your OCD makes it hard for you to determine if something is right or wrong?

@LaPink I mean that you can't choose to "opt-out" of having intrusive thoughts. They just come unannounced. I'm sure that you can control them with medication and counseling. I'm sorry I wasn't clear. To rephrase, ignoring the thoughts is not easy, but attainable through counseling and medication. I haven't had much experience with counseling, just a tad. I'm looking for an OCD specialist right now. @Catlady it's made me doubt whether what I think in my mind is what I want or if the intrusive thoughts are a divine way of telling me that this is who I am. It's definitely taken a toll on my faith bc im afraid I'm doing the wrong things and I obsess even more.

Also, don't feel like you are negatively special for beeing one of the few who don't drive. You're protecting the environment after all! ? But I think it'll do good to you if you get your license. Also, sure! If you have a handout I'd love to see it.

Cool. I'll try to find a PDF of this. Thank you!

How are you guys doing today?

I’m a bit down right now, but I’m glad you’re doing okay.

I'm ok. I started the day with a little anxiety, but I seem to be ok now. I got a couple of thoughts that had the potential to freak me out, but I'm mostly ok. What's up with you @Catlady?

I’m glad to hear you’re both feeling better ?. I’m just a little freaked out right now, although it’s probably me taking my thoughts too seriously. I’ve noticed that sometimes time of day plays a part in my mood and I’m in one of those times right now. I’ve gotten through much harder times than right now, so I have to hold onto that. Do you know any Bible verses or inspirational quotes that would help me?

I think that's the challenge, right. This reminds me of the story of the apostles who were fishing and and find themselves in a bad storm. They were afraid the waves were going to capsize their boat. That's when Christ appeared and the apostles saw him walking on the water. He told them that if they believed they too could walk on water. Saint Peter then got off the boat and he too was standing on water. However, even thought he could see Christ himself in front of him, his human nature kicked in and the waves scared him and he started sinking. He cried "Lord help me the unfaithful" and Christ grabbed him and saved him. My point is that everyone is weak. God is the only one who has control. Saint Peter could see the son of God himself and still doubted. Imagine us! It's really hard, but I suppose we have to have faith that everything that happens, happens for our good.

And It's really hard to accept this sometimes. I'm guilty of this as well. It's the hardest thing I've had to do so far. When I'm at my worst I can't see clearly and I'm in excruciating pain. That's when I feel like He is being cruel. God knows this and he feels our pain more than we feel it. At the end of the day we have to be patient and try as much as we can.

@deputydean and LaPink I’m sorry you’ve both suffered so much. How are you doing today? Here’s an article I think you might be interested in. Although the person who wrote this article was struggling for a different reason, I believe it still may be able to help. https://www.faithgateway.com/miracle-midnight-perfect-timing/ And here’s Philippians 4:13 for when you feel weak, “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me”.

I'm doing ok. It's harder today, but I'm trying to ignore the thoughts and be myself. It's hard to do though and I have to try and take my mind off of this.

I'm tired too. And I also feel unable to cope in certain social situations. Heck, I'm guilty of fleeing from these situations from time to time. But we have to power through. I don't know how though

I'm glad to hear that @LaPink! I'm not that well today, but I'll get through this

@LaPink how did the worship service go?

He does. I guess I'm just exhausted. ?

I still have faith that it'll happen. It's just getting harder by the day.

@deputydean Stay strong my friend! I’ve learned that my OCD comes in spurts of good and bad days. These last couple days have been really hard for me, but I think I’m pulling through now. You will too.

Thank you @Catlady I'll try. I hope we all do! @LaPink I'm thinking about counseling and medication bc I want my life back. I'm just afraid. My OCD keeps trying to convince me not to go bc of 1000 reasons