- Username
- NOCD_me
- Date posted
- 3y ago
Reading this in feb 2022, any updates/ how are you feeling? Would love any tips or encouragement on how to overcome this
I had this exact situation in 2017 and it was how I got diagnosed. It sucks and I am so sorry to hear you are experiencing it 😓 Sobriety helped me. I can NOT handle alcohol or uncertainty so I will be 4 years sober in September. I went to 3 therapists and confessed to all the false memories I invented. My partner at the time forgave me and didn’t believe my confessions anyway... but he was also sending inappropriate videos to camgirls so we did break up. Therapy helped a little. Psychiatric diagnoses and medication helped. Tracing footsteps did NOT help lol. I even asked local cops for surveillance footage of myself 😹 No joke. This experience is TORTURE but a lot of good came from it. Compassion helps. Treat the self as you would a friend: Even if you did something regrettable blacked out, no one deserves to be defined by a bad choice when they were not conscious. I hope it helps you. Tulsi Sweet Rose relaxation tea, vitamin B, and COQ10 help. Same with sleep. 🌷🌟😺🌈🌙
Thanks for your comment, it sucks to experience this. I’m sorry you went through it too and that it didn’t work out with your partner. I’m not on any medication but I am talking to my NOCD therapist. She basically said that I have to accept uncertainty that I won’t know exactly what happened, but that I should catastrophize and look for evidence of being guilty. There is just no physical evidence of my fear, and that feelings are not evidence. She also said that if it happened 1.5 years ago and if I hadn’t thought about it until my OCD episode, then it’s really most likely just my OCD. She said confession is a compulsion and it’s best to not talk about it with my boyfriend who I am still with because this is OCD and not reality. It’s hard to accept that though. But I think normally peoeple wouldn’t be studying this under a microscope and reaching out to friends and looking for evidence. :/ I just get paranoid because people do things when they Black out and don’t remember. Although there is always some evidence that takes them back to what happened, especially when it comes to having sex with someone. The more I type here the more I see this is OCD lol 😂
Oh 💯 It stinks
Thanks for reaching out 😊
I’ve dealt with cheating OCD since 2016... I know exactly how you feel. It’s always after a night out drinking. Actually I just got back from a bachelorette and I blacked out... go me!! I asked for reassurance allllll day and everyone kept saying you did nothing wrong! Some people were sober, but I think it’s our brains not trusting the fact. We have to have more faith in ourselves. We care so much and we have strong morals. That’s what it really comes down to. Don’t pick up the football and run with it. It’s about letting it be. I’m here if you need to talk
Hello there. Thanks for your reply! I am struggling with shrugging off the guilt of something I didn’t do. I feel like everyone I shrug one thing off another possibility pops up. For instance, I clearly remember only ever being alone with 2 people. The first I was definitely sober and the second person I was alone with was my friend who helped me get the Uber. I only ever remember being in communal spaces, and I don’t even remember the other people I was talking to. I only met them this one time. Now my mind is telling me I could have kissed someone or had sex with someone. The scenes of “how” it happened vary. I don’t have a person in mind. I can’t put a face to it. Where it happened flips around from places of the house I didn’t even visit to the middle of the living room where everyone was but says everyone left so I could have privacy. I even had the thought that I did something f sexual with the uber driver. I have no concrete details, no real memory, no messages, no new contact info, no physical evidence, no memories of anything other than drinking and talking with everyone. I know that even people who cheat when they drink/black out have something to tie them back to the event. Even if they didn’t remember it entirely when they woke up. There’s always something there. So I just know I didn’t do anything. But my OCD is strong. I would love to hear some of your tips for getting over these horrible thoughts.
Yeah, I had similar thoughts and like you, no faces, nothing, but bizarre concoctions of hypothetical “how” situations. Do you have access to therapy? Are you sleeping well? My mind did not shut off for months and I was on 2 hours if sleep or less. I also saw a psychiatrist who prescribed me Seroquel because I also have major depressive disorder. Once I got some sleep, it started to fade. It is such a brutal and cruel obsession but I came out of it and you can too 😺
Hello there :) yes I do have a NOCD therapist actually. We are going to work on doing an ERP imaginary script of the worst possible scenario happening. It’s just getting over the feeling of guilt. And getting over the “what if’s” that’s so hard for me. And just accepting that this is OCD and not reality. Because I can logically label this as OCD but doing so makes me *feel* like I’m trying to manipulate myself out of feeling bad over something that may have happened. Do you know what I mean?
I also want to feel NOT GUILTY when I says “this is ocd, I know that didn’t happen.” Because I get really tripped out by the concept of “certainty” and “uncertainty”. Back then I felt certain that it didn’t happen because there’s just nothing there to investigate. But now I’m investigating and I have a perspective of guilty until proven innocent. But I know if that were the case, everyone would technically be guilty of something. Does that thinking resonate with you as well?
*but that I SHOULD NOT catastrophize and look for evidence of being guilty
Oh and thanks for the recommendations ❤️ I appreciate it and I am glad someone understands my challenge. I just get sad sometimes about it when the OCD hits and wonder if I deserve the relationship I am in, or if I just started it based off of a lie. Although I know I’m doing my best to be as honest as I can, and I’m mixing the guilt of the binge drinking with the guilt of the “what if I cheated” obsession. Thanks again 🙏🏽
Yes, my experience with therapy involved dealing with that idea of being deserving/or not. Opened up my mind to how other relationships conditioned me to feel unworthy and undeserving. So I worked on that with self-care. That may or may not apply to you.
Yes, I think it does apply to me. For me I think I feel unworthy not because someone else made me feel unworthy but because of self loathing. I think self loathing is an issue of mine whenever I make a mistake. I have blank and white thinking. So when I make a mistake, I assume I made every heinous mistake one can make. I hate myself for the mistake I made of binge drinking. That is factually the bad thing that i did. But now I feel like a garbage human despite me not having done anything other than binge drink. Which I suppose feeds into the OCD framework of making me believe I acted in such a way to cause harm and pain to someone I love. I’m sure you understand what I’m feeling 😅
Yeah, for sure. It’s excruciating 😣 It’s great that you have an NOCD therapist 😺 I started with one this week too! The guilt about those moments of not-guilt is so unbearable and it is unbearable. I hope the ERP works 😺
I’m actually in the middle of my treatment. I came in for different themes, but this one from the past and around memories has recently popped up and it’s a different challenge navigating past events from future concerns 😪 I wish you the very best of luck on your therapy journey. And thanks for your insight. I feel less “crazy” or “bad” or “guilty” knowing that I’m not the only person who suffers from these thoughts. It’s good to know we are not alone and that we are all just good people trying our best to be honest and navigate this disorder.
This is exactly what I have right now!!!
I don't feel like my real event ocd is actually normal. people don't just make mistakes or do stuff like that as a child. and I feel guilty and shameful because it's awful. how is that ocd and not just terrible and criminal. and the fact that I can't remember if I actually did something just as bad or something similar when I got older is insane. like why would I have done it again if I'm not a bad person? it feels like i might actually remember it and there's no way of knowing. it's gross and disgusting and criminal!!! how would I ever tell a therapist about those actions and expect them to not be weired out, concerned, and inclined to tell me same things that I'm thinking which is that I shouldn't be alive or I belong locked up for what I did. having ocd doesn't excuse my past mistakes, child or not. especially when I'm unsure if something happened again when I was an older teen and would have known better. and how do I live on and the people in my life don't know these mistakes. they wouldn't want to know me if they knew what I did so am I lying to them by omitting the awful things about myself??
18+ I really feel that something I did was real and not ocd because I remember liking it and wanting it but afterwards feeling awful, I don’t know how to move on from this
I remembered something I did a couple of months ago that has changed me completely from trusting myself it was a conversation I had with my cousin and something they said unrelated made me remember this happening, I went into a full blown identity crisis i couldn’t walk out of my room or get out of my bed for months paranoid and scared of everything I’m still scared and feel like I don’t even deserve to shower I’m working on it slowly each day but I knew I had to get a therapist and I was diagnosed with ocd because of this event I remembered, and I just don’t know what to do…. I read online that it doesn’t matter how little or bad the event is it’s still ocd regardless when diagnosed but I know I have a compulsion to see others real events and it is nothing compared to mine which I shouldn’t compare but it’s difficult because no matter what I have to come to terms that it’s undeniably bad legally and morally what I did and it’s just so confusing how it’s something I JUST learned about months ago I’m literally in my mid 20s, and I went years without even realizing how troubled my childhood was and yes my real event happened during that time but I was still a teen and old enough to know better but I didn’t understand the magnitude of what I did at the time still no excuse though, this is where I don’t know what To do because 1. I already know what I did was awful and there’s no excuse for it 2. I can’t apologize in my situation that I don’t feel comfortable sharing specifics yet3. Yes I know I changed so much obviously I’m a grown adult now I know what’s appropriate and what’s not that’s why I’m so troubled over this and I never did anything like that again, I’m literally in the happiest relationship and seeing a therapist to also help me understand all this trauma, this event involved my cousin but even they are cool with me and very close as well hasn’t said anything I don’t know if they remember or not but it’s not something I can talk about with them at least not yet (again just don’t want to go in to specifics) but this is why is so confusing and has caused me to have intrusive thoughts about everything EVERYTHING the what ifs what if they remember what if I go to jail what if they hate me what if I’m denying who I have been and I’m this horrible person this whole time without even realizing and everything is a lie my relationship my joy for things what if I’m a ped, what if I can’t love or care what if I’m a person who just harms others manipulates I even spiraled thinking I was going to physically harm someone… it’s very bizarre to me because before my OCD my biggest anxiety was just having to learn how to drive…I’m in my 20s just to mention that again😭 I have probably almost all intrusive ocd categories, These thoughts never existed in my head until I remembered my event it has completely traumatized me but do I even deserve to feel better do I deserve to get help if I did something unforgivable do I move on or don’t? Should I even be living life I just feel guilty even breathing stepping outside I know for a fact if people knew they would never trust me they would feel like I probably should go to jail but do I go on to what others feel or myself? I know I wouldn’t harm anyone regardless of what my ocd tells me I never did anything like that again and wouldn’t but if it’s something that even legally I could be punished for does all of that not matter? I’m sorry I’m just trying to figure out what the right thing to do is , I’m continuing therapy and getting the help but obviously my therapist cannot say if I should be punished legally but even my boyfriend said that if I turned myself in they wouldn’t even take me seriously because I don’t even remember everything fully it was so long ago, but from what I do remember it’s still bad enough mainly just of me being a teen, I don’t want to make that event my identity but I just am so freaked out I feel awful what if I caused trauma to another person and all these years I didn’t even know, this event only happened once that I remember, there were things that happened to me as a child that would explain why it happened but it’s still not an excuse, I did a compulsion and googled what would it be called or the charges for it and the words that popped up triggered me to my core as anyone would feel if they were as stupid as me those words I googled are what monsters are so it’s hard not to think of myself as that it’s hard to not make that my identity if that IS what happened, is living with this guilt my punishment?I don’t want to give up on life I want to love and care and just love life I know this is complicated and a lot not much I can do but I’m just so lost.
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