How do I get over real event/black out OCD? I got a memory of 1.5 years ago. I memory I hadn’t considered since my OCD began. I had recently gotten together with my boyfriend who I am still with. I went out drinking with some friends at their house by myself (stupid I know) I remember the night up until most of the end, when I was with my friend. We were alone briefly, outside. Then I blacked out and woke up in my bed and in my house and didn’t remember how I got home, but I knew my friend had something to do with it. I remember talking to my friend in the morning and he just thanked me for coming over and I thanked him for helping me get home and that was that. I felt guilty for blacking out but never considered that I did anything wrong in that period of time. But I have cheating OCD, so I was worried during the black out period if I did something with my friend to cheat on my bf? I got so paranoid and I didn’t have any memory of any kind of inappropriate behavior other than drinking. Especially because when I get really drunk I fall asleep and fully “black out” . Otherwise I have some flashes of memory here and there. I was also trying to replay the memory (I know it’s a compulsion) and I was starting to distort the memory so I called him. He had assured me I was just passing out from drinking too heavily and he ordered me an Uber home and that I probably fell asleep in the Uber which is why i fully blacked out on the ride home. And that the only time he and I were alone was when he was waiting for my Uber to get me. His story goes along with everything I remember too. Combine that with that I’ve never cheated, I am not attracted to my friend, and I always remember some sort of sexual contact I have with others even when drinking. There are flashes of memory here and there. And that there was no physical evidence left behind of anything. My body was fine the. Next memory, no stains no bruises. Nothing. None of that was present. I know that reaching out was a compulsion, but I had to because it was a real life event that had the potential to be immoral and I feel a duty to pay for any wrong doing I could have committed. I know uncertainty exists, and I will never get 100% certainty on anything. This is the closest I will get to evidence of me not being a cheater. But how can I move on from this? I don’t want to confess to anything I believe I haven’t done. It’s not in my memory, witness testimony, or in my character. I’m just not a cheater. I know that is a compulsion and i will not rope my bf into my obsessions. But that urge is strong. So the question is, how do I move on from this? I want to be able to say “I’m not a cheater, I’ve never cheated” without feeling like a fraud. I feel like a garbage person for not having the confidence in myself and for having to reach out and use the memory of my friend to help me out.

Thanks for your comment, it sucks to experience this. I’m sorry you went through it too and that it didn’t work out with your partner. I’m not on any medication but I am talking to my NOCD therapist. She basically said that I have to accept uncertainty that I won’t know exactly what happened, but that I should catastrophize and look for evidence of being guilty. There is just no physical evidence of my fear, and that feelings are not evidence. She also said that if it happened 1.5 years ago and if I hadn’t thought about it until my OCD episode, then it’s really most likely just my OCD. She said confession is a compulsion and it’s best to not talk about it with my boyfriend who I am still with because this is OCD and not reality. It’s hard to accept that though. But I think normally peoeple wouldn’t be studying this under a microscope and reaching out to friends and looking for evidence. :/ I just get paranoid because people do things when they Black out and don’t remember. Although there is always some evidence that takes them back to what happened, especially when it comes to having sex with someone. The more I type here the more I see this is OCD lol 😂

Thanks for reaching out 😊

Hello there. Thanks for your reply! I am struggling with shrugging off the guilt of something I didn’t do. I feel like everyone I shrug one thing off another possibility pops up. For instance, I clearly remember only ever being alone with 2 people. The first I was definitely sober and the second person I was alone with was my friend who helped me get the Uber. I only ever remember being in communal spaces, and I don’t even remember the other people I was talking to. I only met them this one time. Now my mind is telling me I could have kissed someone or had sex with someone. The scenes of “how” it happened vary. I don’t have a person in mind. I can’t put a face to it. Where it happened flips around from places of the house I didn’t even visit to the middle of the living room where everyone was but says everyone left so I could have privacy. I even had the thought that I did something f sexual with the uber driver. I have no concrete details, no real memory, no messages, no new contact info, no physical evidence, no memories of anything other than drinking and talking with everyone. I know that even people who cheat when they drink/black out have something to tie them back to the event. Even if they didn’t remember it entirely when they woke up. There’s always something there. So I just know I didn’t do anything. But my OCD is strong. I would love to hear some of your tips for getting over these horrible thoughts.

Hello there :) yes I do have a NOCD therapist actually. We are going to work on doing an ERP imaginary script of the worst possible scenario happening. It’s just getting over the feeling of guilt. And getting over the “what if’s” that’s so hard for me. And just accepting that this is OCD and not reality. Because I can logically label this as OCD but doing so makes me *feel* like I’m trying to manipulate myself out of feeling bad over something that may have happened. Do you know what I mean?

I also want to feel NOT GUILTY when I says “this is ocd, I know that didn’t happen.” Because I get really tripped out by the concept of “certainty” and “uncertainty”. Back then I felt certain that it didn’t happen because there’s just nothing there to investigate. But now I’m investigating and I have a perspective of guilty until proven innocent. But I know if that were the case, everyone would technically be guilty of something. Does that thinking resonate with you as well?

Oh and thanks for the recommendations ❤️ I appreciate it and I am glad someone understands my challenge. I just get sad sometimes about it when the OCD hits and wonder if I deserve the relationship I am in, or if I just started it based off of a lie. Although I know I’m doing my best to be as honest as I can, and I’m mixing the guilt of the binge drinking with the guilt of the “what if I cheated” obsession. Thanks again 🙏🏽

Yes, I think it does apply to me. For me I think I feel unworthy not because someone else made me feel unworthy but because of self loathing. I think self loathing is an issue of mine whenever I make a mistake. I have blank and white thinking. So when I make a mistake, I assume I made every heinous mistake one can make. I hate myself for the mistake I made of binge drinking. That is factually the bad thing that i did. But now I feel like a garbage human despite me not having done anything other than binge drink. Which I suppose feeds into the OCD framework of making me believe I acted in such a way to cause harm and pain to someone I love. I’m sure you understand what I’m feeling 😅

I’m actually in the middle of my treatment. I came in for different themes, but this one from the past and around memories has recently popped up and it’s a different challenge navigating past events from future concerns 😪 I wish you the very best of luck on your therapy journey. And thanks for your insight. I feel less “crazy” or “bad” or “guilty” knowing that I’m not the only person who suffers from these thoughts. It’s good to know we are not alone and that we are all just good people trying our best to be honest and navigate this disorder.