I've had multiple themes including HOCD, POCD, etc. But the worst and most debilitating one for me has been Real Event OCD..the immense guilt, and the extra doubt that comes with it, especially because with this theme it's based on something that actually ocurred..

My OCD tends to strike when I feel fulfilled - more to 'lose'. Lewis, your last paragraph struck a chord. I feel that I don't deserve to have fun. When surrounded by happy people I just leave thinking 'ignorance is bliss' even though I know other people have struggles. Have you tried 'worst case scenario'? I imagine you have. It doesn't work for me as it involves prison, losing my family and eternal infamy. My other obsessions are lesser crimes etc. so ACT or worst case can work. I am just south of Brum in Worcestershire.

Lewis, I second everything Jaygrace has just said. My sense of perspective and gratitude when we'll is higher than it would have been sans OCD. You could look at it as a super power which requires tempering. What comes across among most sufferers (obvious with you two) is sensitivity, intelligence, humour and moral scruples. I much prefer to be that sort of person. I only got this app 2 hours ago and I can already see the benefits. I will pop on tomorrow so any sharing etc. I'm all ears. Off to gym to work on my serotonin. Take care both, knowing we are not legion but that there are others with very similar stories. Jaygrace, I think we could well have trod very similar paths. Happy to discuss journeys with you whenever. Lewis, my OCD kicked off in earnest at 19. But I dithered for 15 years. You seem to be much more screwed-on than I was at 22 in so much as you know where to get help.

Lots of new research re gut which makes sense I suppose - feeling it in your gut. I heard that with mice a happy mouse (active etc) had something transferred into its gut from a depressed mouse (inactive, overweight) and within 5 days, the happy mouse had turned inactive. Apparently the gut is the new frontier for mental health...Off for some kimchee :)

Your welcome. I have been using this all day. I feel better than I did when I last spoke to you guys. But it's tough going but so is ERP and CBT. We have to work for our freedom.

I have an issue based round a real event and it has been crippling as it's hard to believe it's just a thought as it isn't. It's a tough one glad to know I am not alone. All you can do is believe in yourself that you would do whatever you think you did. ERP exposing myself to triggers that make this anxiety spike has helped a lot.

Yeah that's the thing with it, there's that extra uncertainty, but yeah I'm glad I'm not alone too, and you are 100% we have to engulf ourselves with the ERP and constantly absorb the anxiety, and as difficult as it is, it will help us a lot if we are consistent, I've just started therapy this week, and I'm prepared to give everything to improve, I do recommend if you haven't already, to read the articles by Dr Philipson, I think they really hit the nail on the head when it comes to OCD.

Ali Greymonds video on False Memories honestly saved like 40% of my life so far! I was 10/10 suicidal, ruminating 24/7. Her way of dealing with it has made me stable and makes things more manageable. You just have to say “I doubt that memory so it didn’t happen” Although it’s scary, take the fear away by keep saying “If it’s true, then I’ll deal with it” That goes for the OCD thoughts about what could happen in the future, I go with sarcasm. “Yep, sure. That will happen! Great.” “Yep, I’m the terrible person. Let’s get on with my day!” Don’t give in to it!

Jaygrace - I used to (during a law degree, which, on reflection, didn't help, sift through newspapers etc. to research details of crimes to see whether I could have committed them. I have one crime which I always go back to, but I promise you, if there was a crime and I could have feasibly attended, I would suspect myself. In those days I would assume I was drunk and had no memory. These days, 20 years later, I avoid drinking heavily for this reason. So I ruminate on things which happened (which I have convinced myself I caused) years ago when I was a stupid student. But now, I cannot overtake a cyclist without checking I haven't run him/her over. If in doubt, I drive back...In all, I have obsessed over hundreds of things, mostly built around murder, rape, all the way up to infidelity. Happy days. As for crime dramas I am very interested in them but watching things like True Detective, Staircase, Bundy usually causes a spike. Do you have CBT, medication Jaygrace?

At 22 Lewis you can do this. I am venting on here as I am suffering from some anxiety. I also have a successful life was very happy and I am, within a cat's whisker of being there again. Remember everyone has something we are just human beings prone to malfunction ?

-We are using our feelings as a measure of the legitimacy of our concerns. - It is important to view your perspective as something that is under your conscious control rather than seeing yourself as a victim of your own perspective. -For anxiety to decrease you must make a fundamental shift in how you relate to the signals OCD is sending you. You must stop taking them at face value, and choose to see them as irrelevant. -These signals will involve messages which provoke feelings of guily depression and anxiety, and this is why its so difficult for us to reframe them as irrelevant. - "... between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space there is freedom to choose our response, in choosing our respinse we affirm our potential for growth and freedom" To exercise this freedom to CHOOSE, the discipline of mindfulness is required, so we can make choices in accordance with our values rather than our conditioning/instincts. Some key points I selected from the first 6 pages of Dr Philipsons Choice article, and theres about 40 pages left.

Thanks! I will try to follow this.

Transcendent04 - I was given St. John's Work at 21 to no effect. Fluoxetine (Prozac) at 20mg, then 40 then 60 enabled me to have a mindset for CBT with HealthyMinds. And avoid heavy drinking. Also, thanks for your kind words - the more you read up, talk and seek medical help - the better you'll do. Which was my mistake #fellonmyfeet :)

JayGrace - me too, criminal mastermind of the century but zero recognition. Back to worse case...I could write a very good book. I teach so hate the holidays. Idle hands etc. At work I have no time to ruminate which is why I am happiest at work. Interesting about holidays...I lived in HK, Japan, Greece, France etc and felt better because I was away from 'it'. If I go abroad on hols (seldom due to fam/£) I feel better. Just like when I am tucked up in bed. Safe. Until the morning fear.

Transcendent exercise, the things mentioned in my other post. Out in the fresh air sounds like it won't help but it does. Eat healthily. Limit stimulants coffee, tea with caffeine, nicotine, alcohol is a depressant it makes you feel good temporarily. Probiotics have been proven to help anxiety. Doesn't seem likely but a healthy gut equals a healthy mind. There is a link between the gut and the brain.

Honesty, KidA a voice in my head says “you don’t deserve to be happy.” I can sometimes push it away with “well that’s just an OCD thought” but today I’ve let it take over. So just a bad one I suppose! Yeah, my worst case is prison and that. I’m in Coventry, so just down the road haha!

Yes CBT will help and you are doing just fine. When you get the thoughts that believe it's stupid just let them go as well. Don't start testing it. You will get it sorted!

Confessing was the compulsion that got me into this mess in the first place. I didn’t realise it was OCD or what I was doing. But I kept confessing all the bad things I did in my relationship. Then it went on to other parts of my life and that’s where it went downhill! We’ll keep in touch. Have a good birthday. Enjoy your day JayGrace!

Hi Lewis I saw you posted earlier. Will contact you tonight. I have something that I am trying but still at work at moment. I feel better it's do able don't lose hope!

Stay strong man. I'm having a rough day too, the OCD is an extra project to deal with and work on, the guilt I feel is brutal, but we have to fight, the more we resist to ritualize the weaker the OCD gets.

Yes I do. I have had far more good days than not. I tend to have e.g. per year a month or so down and 4 months up, something like that. My mind gets so tired after 3/4 weeks of ruminating, confessing, feeling guilty I end up thinking $@*# this, I don't care even if it true. And that is saying something with my obsessions around murder and life imprisonment. I have on countless occasions felt awful but can still find things funny or have a joyful moment. I then feel guilty about that or my OCD tells me that just goes to prove what a psychopath I must be. Also Lewis, there have been times when I have been convinced beyond any advice from parents, wife, professionals that there is no light at the end of the tunnel and I cannot live like this. Every single time, though, there has in fact been a light and I CAN and DO live like this. Sometimes the light is dim or goes out again after a while but I now know I just need to keep on walking through the tunnel. It takes time each time but the human spirit/survival WILL drag you out of it. Look at it this way, when you feel better, even if only temporarily, it'll feel sweeter and you'll appreciate it more. To all of this you might think BS which is what I would but all the people who have always tried to help me have not had OCD. I do so you can trust it will improve and it will be something you'll manage increasingly well. So yes, you can feel happy Lewis. Give up giving up, as Churches lyrics say :)

There have been moments when the OCD wasnt there: 1. After some ERP, have had times when I've felt like before I had the OCD, genuine happiness and no worries, which makes me want to do proper ERP even more. 2. Times when I'm not alone and around friends, the thoughts can subside, its a lot worse when I'm alone. 3. In high adrenaline situations, the OCD thoughts and emotions completely gone, this is probably because a greater fear set in for a short period of time, probably not a good example but it is time off from the OCD so. So yeah just don't lose hope, fight it with therapy first then see how it goes from there, that's what I'm doing, and I've had it since last year.

Has anybody tried the 4 steps from the book Brain Lock -Jeffrey Schwartz. I downloaded it from audible at the weekend. This is really how I would describe what's going on - my brain is definitely locked in a position I can't change. Incidentally I can relate to what you guys are saying exactly. Lewis the 4 steps maybe worth a go. It's worth downloading the book but the principals are as follows: The 4 R's Re- label when you become anxious relabel your thoughts they are not you they are OCD. Reattribute - after relabelling tell your self these thoughts are due to a biochemical malfunction in the brain. This is what OCD is. When you do these two steps don't just say it to yourself like a robot. You have to do it mindfully really think it as you say it to yourself so you understand the meaning deeply. Refocus - refocus your attention elsewhere and move on with whatever you are doing. Revalue - I haven't finished the book yet but what the first 3 steps do is enable you to re evaluate the thought so it becomes less important. Therefore you will worry less. What this exercise does is it retrains your brain to think like a non OCD brain. I am giving it a go. The book gives the analogy that OCD brains are like a car stuck in gear. We have to retrain the brain and do the gear changing ourselves for a while. Hope this makes sense difficult explaining on this app in a tiny space.

Yep, just think how much time OCD has had on our anxious, highly-strung and wired brains. Any functional coping mechanism will take time and perseverance to gain strength. Brain Lock is a good start. I have thought about regression hypnosis but would be too scared of the untruths my fragile mind would concoct. Paul McKenna: 'I can make you richer and less OCDer in 3 minutes!'

Alright, keep me updated! I hope it goes well for you :) Tonight I kinda feel I’ve hit really low. Just exhausted. I know I’ll sleep fine, go at it again tomorrow! (Thanks KidA for your reply, didn’t see it properly before)

Ps forgot to say that book is a long one, to get to the nitty gritty that will help it's chapters 4 or 5 onwards. Probably should listen to all of it at some point but I went straight to the help pages. Feeling not bad at all this morning and morning is usually a problem ?

Yep, literally. I get some moments of happiness now! Then I feel guilty. But then I recite the thing in my head. Keep doing it! Good to hear you are doing ok

That’s good! Yeah I’ve been having a pretty stable week. Having more good moments, still difficult sometimes but a lot better than before. What are the pills? Are they prescribed?

Exactly once you have a snippet of feeling 'normal' you know you can get that back. It's kept me going sometimes!

Excuse me? ? I think some people are too old for Facebook too ? But yeah I’m down!

Hi Lewis how are you getting on?

Real event? I’m not sure if that’s what I have. I remember parts of something. But my brain goes “What if this happened” and creates false possibilities and really messes my life up

Thanks will take a look at the articles. I have pretty much constantly done everything possible to make myself uncomfortable and face my fears. It's working but slow going.

Lewis that's exactly how I feel. I remember a real event and have a million what ifs ? Always worst case scenario!

I know how you feel. Thanks for the info ?

How have you been dealing with it? It’s kinda ruining my life!

Frankly I have had 5 years of thinking I have killed someone on a specific night many years ago. Imagine thinking that for all this time, day in day out. Honestly I don't know how I have got through it. Probably because the only alternative is not being here at all. I have had some help in the past when I was diagnosed. It has been better over the last two years but still an issue. I literally agree with any thought that comes in to my head. I watch crime docs for ERP something I stopped doing. I have stopped ruminating about where I was that night. I am so tired of going over and over it. The stupid thing is I know where I was but I don't believe it or my brain doesn't. I just let the fear flood me completely and will not argue with OCD full stop. I recently made great steps by doing this and felt just about normal. Then I woke up one morning with that gut feeling of anxiety. So I am now feeling anxious and I know OCD is trying to attack as it's lost power but it won't get back in. Fed up of this wasted so much time. Also I am lucky I have a good career so I have had to get on with it inspite of how I feel. I also exercise a lot to boost serotonin and have my dogs to walk. But can say apart from the odd moment I have not felt really happy for years. Waste of a life. We will get there though I try to keep positive. Sorry for the rant ?

Well, that gives me hope! ? My memory is relating to a Facebook message or conversation around 2 years ago. I don’t remember much about it, but makes me feel like a horrible person 24/7. Constant “What ifs” As a general rule, if it’s a “What if” then I say it didn’t happen. I don’t doubt my other memories, why this one? At night I can feel happy and optimistic, but in the mornings it’s horrible. I’ve lost all drive/motivation and feels like everything’s being taken away from me :/ It’s got better, but I don’t want to live like this anymore :/

Lol you can do it! I am much better than I was. Same here mornings are hard. I like that if it's " what if" it didn't happen. I think the key is OCD picks on things we hold in high regard. I would never hurt a fly so OCD targets this. I always thought I was just a naturally anxious person. I don't have rituals just a runinator. But I think the "what if" scenario has ruled my life. For both of us if we haven't been called up on it we didn't do it. Sometimes I laugh at it as well, you got to it doesn't feel so serious.

Jaygrace - whatever you go through I can relate to! Namely, I have spent over 20 years ruminating over whether I killed someone. This is the one I always end up coming back to although I have dabbled in myriad preposterous (but entirely possible!!) crimes and unethical/immoral/unprofessional acts since. I have a very responsible job but have relied on family, friends and fluoxetine in various dosages over the last two decades. I do not worry about little things in life. Why would you when you can create horrific possibilities or latch on to real life events with huge potential consequences? My brain selects anything resulting in prison, shame and losing everything...

Someone on here also said “confidence over certainty” Yeah, for a whole month I was constantly thinking “what if this person was underage” “What if I did this” “what if I sent this” then it goes to “What if I get arrested” “was she from another country? Will I get taken from the UK?!” I was honestly happy up until New Years Day...then it all fell apart at once!! :/ Can we do it?! Haha

Very relateable. I would say I am a judgemental person and inflict this on myself. A common one for me at university, years ago, used to be - how did I get home ? (drunk), where is this bruise from ?, did I hurt someone? , I recall working with someone...did I assault her?, was it consensual?, even so, is she pregnant?, etc.etc.etc. I require absolute certainty in all things that impact on my happiness and what others think of me.

KidA this is me exactly. I don't know how we keep going sometimes. Thanks for sharing it helps. I have given up with family they just don't get it. It's just me and my dogs who I speak to about it lol. How do you get by in life. I also have a responsible job. I sit in the office and look around at happy people thinking they don't have a clue what real fear feels like. Though I am old enough to know I could be wrong ? Currently watching every crime doc going to reduce my fear of prison etc. I totally get what you say! Thanks.

Hi Both get you both. We are the same. I too require absolute certainty. I will not touch alcohol at all need to know exactly where I have been and what I have done all the time now.

Alcohol helps me not care anymore. I don’t drink often. But I think I will tonight I’m losing the will to live today. I had a few ‘good days’ 2 months ago I was the happiest I could have ever been?! ?

Lewis - I have been plagued by this for 22 years. It comes and goes. I have a wife and children so more to lose... At my worst, I have not been able to get out of bed (I am 40) for days or would work and go straight to bed in return. Unfortunately, my brain during the night hyperbolises everything and I wake up with fear, dread, guilt and shame. So I run. And I take fluoxetine.

Well that sounds good for my future. Brilliant. I’m 22 and feel like my life’s been taken away from me already. Over a stupid false memory! Or whatever it is. I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you still have good days On meds and diazepam when the anxiety gets too much. How do actual criminals deal with this ****?

KidA we are a similar age so I get this. Same issue with driving now but in comparison I can deal with that. I just want peace of mind over a so called event 15 years ago now. Which was triggered by, you guessed it a local crime in the news. I have been on fluoxetine, had CBT a few years ago. I do practice this. I am also a runner this helps I take 5 htp I am an animal nutritionist so know my way round nutrient impact on the brain. This has helped more than I thought.

They don't care. I have always been uber-law abiding then come crashing down with guilt when I break my moral code. OCD preys on your worse fears. My OCD will then convince me I don't have those fears or OCD... Lewis, since my OCD started I graduated, lived in 5 countries (running away?) and have an amazing career and family. In a way my OCD can have benefits in my job because I have to be very risk-averse and leave no stones unturned. So I have achieved lots, people would say I am successful and I am happy between bouts. I only started Fluoxetine 2 years ago, When I had my first CBT. Before then I relied on checking, ruminating and confessing, which, it turns out, doesn't work. But then I pre-date google so had no info...

Lewis drinking does make it go away but it brings it back twice as bad the next day or does for me. Have fun but be careful. To keep on top of this we need to feel 100% fit. If we feel well our brain is stronger to overcome this. I am positive we can do.

Jaygrace - running is key for me (serotonin, endorohines) and I am a very different animal when I cannot exercise I.e. when depressed. Catch 22ish. I managed to latch onto an unsolved crime, sadly. When I feel that my OCD is real (although my imp will tell me you can have OCD AND be a murderer...) I tell myself I will have a major holiday whenever the crime is solved. Truth is, I can imagine myself convincing myself that whoever ends up responsible will be wrongly convicted, thus enabling my obsession to continue. I work in education with a focus on safeguarding so receive daily spikes...Wherabouts in UK are you?

Lewis, at 22 there was hardly an internet, no apps, mindfulness, social media to share etc. Also,there is far less stigma. So I felt entirely alone. I hope you don't. I know that at the drop of a hat I can tell my family, parents, doctor, phone. At 22 my parents' understanding was limited, they just really worried. Now, they know when I'm going through a bad patch. Green tea, running, talking and sleep stories, do it for me. Once I am out of bed I shake it because I HAVE to with a job and family etc. As a teacher, I have holidays to lie in bed and feel sorry for myself. Not good practice. FYI best thing I ever did was go to GP, have CBT and get on Fluoxetine. All has gone well for 6 months but have been off meds for 5 months and been stressed, dehydrated (running, the irony) and watching too much of the news... So guess where I went today? GP, back to the meds. And I know it will work.

kidA yep that's me too. A wrong conviction is always a possibility. Unsolved murders are the worst. I am in Yorkshire.

I’m very new to this and I imagine OCD is a lot more well known and manageable at this point? I am due to start CBT soon, however I was under the local crisis team for suicidal thoughts/self harm so they couldn’t do anything until I was stable. All I want is to be happy, be myself again, or a new version of me who knows they can be happy! Thanks for the support guys, it’s hard to look forward when you feel there is nothing to look forward to. I have a girlfriend, I have a job (off sick for 2 months), just got my own flat, built a life for myself and I still have all of that...but it feels like I’ve lost it all. Or will.. It’s so hard to go out and be ‘normal’ when you feel like you’ve done something horrible. I know you can relate :/ haven’t found many people who share this type of stuff

Lewis there is light at the end of the tunnel. You will be happy again. There is life with OCD. I find its made me a better person in many ways, more compassionate, wiser, most of all it's made me strong. It puts things in perspective those little first world problems we worry about mean nothing. Take care.

KidA- The fact that you perservered at a more difficult time, and now have a family and a job is inspiring thank you for sharing, I also agree about exercising, at my worst its the only thing that helps, though I haven't tried medication yet only some ERP. Lewis- I'm 21 and I feel you man, but listen this is the thing about OCD it makes you feel weak it makes you feel like you are going to be like this forever, but that's not the case you will get better, the success rate of ERP when done properly is high maybe around 80%, and people do recover, if not fully recover at least improve drastically, so try to stay positive. Jaygrace- apart from 5 htp, are there any other things that you would say have been helpful from a nutritional perspective, if not for OCD just for anxiety in general?

Mine strikes when I am under stress for more minor reasons. Work makes you get out there agree. I also take vitamin B and Mg they also contribute to the production of serotonin. I don't take much holiday so my mind is always busy. It's not so bad if I go abroad I seem to be able to keep it at bay in a different environment. I think worst case all the time. Got to laugh according to my mind I have a bigger track record than Ted Bundy.

Lewis we all deserve to be happy we are all good people. Probably why we have OCD partly. As KidA says bad people don't care ?

Not asking for reassurance, but do you think I can live a good life? I had an ok day today so far, but I always have that gut feeling that I shouldn’t deserve to be happy. What advice would you give yourself at the start of your OCD/rumination? Or at 22 haha!

Hi Lewis good for you for having an ok day. Why was today ok was it better than yesterday. If so is there anything you did today that could help you. That gut feeling is OCD trying to make you believe you shouldn't be happy. If you haven't ruminated over stuff that's good, don't let OCD in. I can only speak for how I feel but today I was anxious in an ok sort of way. I did not let OCD start running my life I did not argue with it or try to prove it wrong. I accepted the thought and got on with my day. When this works I get glimpses to start with when I suddenly think "what a load of rubbish that is" I feel like my brain is reprogramming back to a normal perspective. These glimpses grow as you start to win. Yes you can have a normal, happy good life with OCD. Label it- it is not you. When you feel anxious about any bad thoughts it's not you it's your OCD. I am no expert but this works for me. What you will benefit from in the long run is that you will learn to understand your emotions and thoughts much better than some people. I use it all the time especially at work in a difficult situation I will assess how I feel rather than automatically reacting. It can have positive repercussions. ?

Well I kept busy, then every time the thought comes in my head I say “That’s an OCD thought, it didn’t happen. But if it did, I’ll deal with it” over and over and the more I do that the less I get the thoughts. The same when my mind says “you don’t deserve to be happy” I go “that’s an OCD thought, so I’m going to get on with the day” I do get moments I start to see how stupid it is. But then I think that could start Rumination because it’s reassuring myself (if that makes sense) I am due to start CBT soon, do you think that will help?

Hopefully!! Did CBT help you? I think what I’m doing is a form of it already. Just unguided :/

Allow the thought to come and accept it as a thought rather than an indictment of your personality/worth. You did it today, acknowledging a thought and moving on. CBT WILL help Lewis. I had only 4 sessions with a psychotherapist (HealthyMinds Birmingham via GP) and it helped greatly. For me, it helped to have some medication at same time to get my headspace right. Then books/audiobooks on OCD and others e.g. The Chimp Paradox. All this in the last 3 years, remember I did nothing but reassurance for 18 years beforehand, which achieved nothing. If I could turn back the clock, at 22...CBT, medication, forums, books, family/friends.

Lewis I had about 6 sessions. It gave me the tools to deal with it. It took me a while to get my head round what it is. You have got the info quickly.

Yep, the idea is that you have a handful of sessions and then you self- CBT. I had the option of continuing but with group meetings which I didn't fancy. But the initial meeting, telling a complete stranger EVERYTHING without an eyelid blinked was very important for me. I was told I can always go back if needed. I went on a run this morning (too hot!) and that kept me 'high' for a few hours. I then attacked the garden in the sun which I could feel helping and I re-balled all KY socks and de-moulded the porch (control) - not so effective...

Just discovered TheOCDStories website. Podcasts too I think. Over 150 interviews with sufferers, doctors, therapists etc.

Lol - for me yoga, dogs walked, car washed, horses groomed, nice sunny weather but a bit miserable today. Hey ho try again tomorrow!

I was recently a victim of Hot Pod Yoga...For me, and this is not a compulsion but a way of re-establishing order in my world, nothing beats a good car wash. Alternatively, I will go on a paperclip hunt in drawers or karcher everything in sight. Putting the world to rights during and after (for 30 minutes). Have the dogs/horses helped?

Yes just trying yoga I am an aerobic exercise person really but thought I would give it a try. I never sit still, have a calm mind or relax so thought it might help. Dogs definitely do help walk for miles. I am in a rural area. I wasn't comfortable with my own company for a long time so that's been a challenge just me and the dogs. Horses general caring for them makes me push through dark moments. Riding would help if I had a different horse have a lively one but riding him does reaffirm the fact that I do want to live ? I just saw the OCD stories myself and ACT therapy worth a look.

I never sit still and gave been told I'm constantly on a motor and unable to relax. For example, I find it very difficult to sit on a beach for more than 3 minutes. Yoga should be great for breathing, relaxation and the now but at Hot Pod I was sweating through my eyes. I live in a rural location too, which helps. Having something/someone to care for/who needs you has at times been my sole motivation. Family and working in a school help. About to watch Behind the Curve on Netflix about people who believe the world is flat. And I thought I was crazy..

Yep that's me I take work on holiday for sitting on the beach. Lol interesting will have to watch that one. Everyone is a little crazy!

Thank you for your help guys. Do you mind if I sometimes come back onto this post and talk to you? Not too many other people understand! Do the same issues from years ago still bother you? Or are they present false memories? (Like recent events too)

Same issues from years ago and anything in between. Lewis, I'll pop on here daily - talking is key. Get out in the sun today if you can. Did you say you have CBT booked in?

I’m just stuck on one major issue. I’m sure if I got over it then another one would pop up, so it’s about dealing with them and recognising the OCD thought. At the moment, it seems like all our problems would be solved if we knew the answer to the one issue! Yeah I took my dog for a walk, going to watch the football with my dad, food, play some darts etc. I wish this app had a messaging system haha! I’m just in the process of being transferred from the crisis team (hospital) to IAPS who do CBT. So they said I’d get a call next week hopefully! I’m kinda just floating at the moment. You said you did nothing about it for 20 years?! I couldn’t have lived with that. Have you found a massive improve since you started looking into it recently? Do your family know about what you go through? (Sorry If too personal)

What have you got planned for today?

I am here as well Lewis. Been out on the hills getting some sun. Let us know how you get on, any tips you get are helpful to us. I have one issue that bugs me more than anything. I even have the answer but my brain doesn't believe it. That's why OCD is called the doubting disease. We have to learn to live with doubt and uncertainty just like everyone else.

Thank you, today has been a good day in comparison! My issue in reality is not much compared to what other people worry about. I’ll let you know any tips I have! But everybody else who’s ‘normal’ lives with uncertainty. Just a little harder for us. Hope you are having a good day!

Lewis, for my worst one from 19 years old I did nothing about it that helped. I sought reassurance and confessed. I spent hours upon hours pouring through evidence to prove my guilt or non-guilt. That included spending days in libraries (the internet then) and walking into police stations to confess. That later became googling the life out of me and travelling to escape, holding on to all the reassurances (in hindsight) my friends and family gave me. I then toyed with things like 'Have I got AIDS?' but there was no victim which made it less severe. Others included questioning whether I had made women pregnant. These would involve months of turmoil until I realised I hadn't, obviously. But only 3 years ago when I had a major depressive episode did I do anything recommended. I was late in the game re CBT/meds etc.

Today I got up at 7am (I have young kids..) and ran 9 miles with a friend who is a good listener. It's my birthday (41!) so we went out for a nice meal and caught some sun at National Trust. I've had too much coffee and not enough water so will rectify then order some vitamin supplements online and research probiotics while watching UFC. I've just had a nap :)

Ah I see! You must have been through hell. I’m sorry. I spent the whole of January seeking reassurances, I also spoke to the police and wanted to confess everything I don’t know if I did or not?! Got told to go to the hospital basically. I’m not sure if this would be helpful for you two, but a dart board helps take my mind off things haha. Just playing the games, even by myself. Played catch in the garden with my girlfriend and worked out too! What did the police say to you? Did they laugh you out?

Happy birthday!! 9 miles, nice one! Hope you are having a good day. Get anything nice?

Thanks Lewis. My kids dressed up in fancy dress for me (...?) and I got some running gear. I was basically told to go and have a cup of tea in those days. Wasting police time I expect. They just kept saying I did not match the profile etc. Broken record. I called them years later to be told the same by a not very patient sergeant. So you would think a combination of police, evidence, alibi, friends and family would be enough... As Jaygrace says - doubting disease. My parents have known since it started, university third year. Over the years I have told them EVERYTHING. Wife too. Friends are great but tend to find it all a bit weird and can joke about it. But they have always been there.

You could be given all the evidence in the world to tell you something didn’t do something...and we think it could still have happened. With a change of mindset I hope we can live happier lives It really is all in our head, my dad doesn’t get it but mum and girlfriend do. My friends do too. Even if what I think I could have done was true, my friends still say they’re fine with it. (Don’t need that reassurance but still)

Lewis I could have cam footage of me entering my home and I would still think I had done it lol. Have also had the Aids thing and York CID got to know me at one point confessing to a murder I read in the paper. As I happened to be in York on the same weekend drinking with friends which didn't help! Half marathon for me today plus a trip into the Dales for lunch. Happy Birthday KidA! I tend to keep OCD to myself so it's good to confess on here. I have good people around me but I can be a bit of a loner. Good to chat to you guys.

Thanks Jaygrace. And SNAP! I was at a football match with my dad but if I had left straight after full time and taken a few weapons from the kitchen I could still feasibly have done it. Not that I believe I was at the match etc. etc. JayGrace - on all the forums I have never heard of anyone with my situation. Only the ones like 'I think I'm gonna kill people' etc. So VERY good to chat to you too!! And Lewis, keep up the positive thinking. While confessing isn't recommended, it is one of my compulsions. And when someone says even if it were true, we'd still love you, it's heart-breaking and amazing at the same time. All the best both for the week to come guys :)

Likewise so I doubted I had it as I thought this isn't right mine is historical so maybe I did do it. Oh God I am laughing writing this which makes a change. Have a good week both. Will check in on here Lewis stay positive ?

Had a bad one today guys. Let it win from the start. Makes me not want to live like this anymore. I tried to work out, but I couldn’t snap out of it. I feel like I am losing hope :/

Thank you! Enjoy the rest of your day. I’m glad you feel a bit better

Lewis, I'm home from work. Will have done kids routine by 7ish so here if you need to 'talk'. Remember you have not accessed CBT and all the avenues a psychotherapist can open. Medication can be introduced, altered, increased/decreased etc.

Morning is always a killer. Do you have work/studying to get you up? Are you anxious about the same thing from 2 years ago?

I’m sorry to hear that man. Do you have good days? Like can you feel happy? It feels like I won’t be happy :/

Only starting therapy now though.

Ps I have been stuck like this for 5 yrs on and off with the same old story. BUT this is primarily because I didn't get it. I wanted a quick fix, I was frustrated, the whole situation was ridiculous just wanted the BS out of my head and thought I could think my way out. It's only in the last year I have really tried and things have got better. The book was good for me as although I have been in a lot of distress I just sort of carried on. The book describes how brutal OCD is and you have to fight back, not by arguing with it but by manouvring your way round it.

Very clear and succinct Jaygrace. Will download and employ aa a managing tool. I suppose a deeper understanding of your brain is the first step. Thanks Jaygrace. Worth a hefty punt Lewis.

Thanks Jay! Will definitely get it. Does it go into detail on how to follow these steps? I’m willing to try all and everything!

Yes it explains it a lot better than I did with more detail including patients who got a whole lot better. Dr Schwartz is a leading OCD Dr in the US he has scanned brains, he has seen how OCD brains function differently. To cheer you up a funny story I was so desperate to get rid of this in the early days and my husband distraught but just didn't get it (still doesn't) he found a celebrity hypnotist. So we trundled down to London Harley Street where I spent £600 to be hypnotised by some guy off day time TV. It failed lol. Been willing to try anything.

I’ll take a look into it! I just hope it can help the people like us with the memories. Has it made you feel better today? Or were you just having a good day?

It's made me uncomfortable because I am desperate to think what OCD wants me to think. But it gives you hope I feel like I am pulling at those gears. Generally while working today I didn't think about it at all. Which is an improvement on last week. Early days we have to create a new pathway in our brains so it's not going to happen overnight.

I think I mentioned before, but I think the phrase ‘Confidence over certainty’ has been helping me a bit. It’s hard to stop Rumination, not sure if that comes under^ reassurance? I’ve tried the trial for headspace, have any of you gave that a go?

I use Calm but used headspace a bit. The guy behind Headspace has some good TED talks: https://www.ted.com/talks/andy_puddicombe_all_it_takes_is_10_mindful_minutes/up-next?language=en#t-184066

Yes I think we ruminate to find reassurance. Don't do it. I know it's bl@@dy hard. If my issue springs up in my mind I just think ok and refocus on something else. You will feel anxious as OCD wants you to ruminate to feed it. Don't block out the thoughts either just let them come and go without ruminating. Forcing bad thoughts to stop makes them stronger. E.g. if I said to you don't think of a pink elephant you would automatically think of a pink elephant it's how our minds work. Let the bad thoughts come and go don't ruminate and don't block them out just don't respond to them they will start to lose their power. Easier said than done I know. ?

Ps that's a good phrase we also need to be confident we are good people which we are no doubts!!!!. Otherwise we wouldn't be on here helping each other.

Thanks KidA I don't know headspace will take a look

I’m trying so hard. Just today they are making me want to kill myself (I won’t) but I’m so exhausted ?

Focus on something else. It will subside believe me it subsides if you don't pay attention to it. Take it easy. Have you got an appointment yet for treatment.

Not for CBT, but I was thinking while I wait to go private until it starts It’s taken all other emotions away from me. No happiness or hope or excitement

Lewis, CBT sessions by a trained therapist will help you break the cycle. If you go to your GP and tell them how you feel, that could expedite things. Are you taking any medication, to take the edge off the anxieties?

Hi Lewis are you feeling any better tonight. Agree you may get fast tracked if you speak to the Dr. It's really hard to get your head round what you need to do and maintain it. Try not to ruminate. I feel like I am making progress with the 4 steps I mentioned the other night. I know it probably seems impossible but it isn't it will get better.

I went to a private therapist today. They will be helping me with CBT and ACT. Also have Radical Acceptance too? I’m a bit more stable. Seeing the therapist again next week If I say I’m suicidal/wanting to harm they put me under the crisis team and won’t let me do any therapy (that’s what’s happened before)

Lewis, I hope the therapist is the start of better things for you. Never heard of Radical Acceptance. Glad you feel a bit more stable - hang in there chap.

Me too. I just really hate this constant feeling I have in my chest all the time :/ Has your therapist not mentioned it?

Glad you are at least a little better Lewis. Not heard of it either. I have the same feeling like something is up. I hate it too. Just gotta hang in there and practice what the experts tell you.

Do you always have it? :/

No not all the time and when it does appear it's much less intense than it used to be. Keep positive.

Hi All another good book I have found is the Chimp Paradox. Written by a psychiatrist. Basically it's about how our brains work it's not specific to OCD but describes in basic terms that we have three brains in our head the human, the Chimp and the computer. As you can imagine the Chimp is the ancestral part of the brain which runs on emotion. It works well if you are a chimp in the jungle but not so well in modern life. I have linked this to reactions which are made worse by OCD. Really helping, my chimp has been on the rampage for years!

Thank you, will look into it! I’ve found a method that has made me feel probably better than I have felt before and that’s in a couple of days. Based on Ali Greymonds advice, she says write this down and recite it in your head. Every time you have a ‘memory’ or intrusive thought. “From this moment on, I am not paying attention to this thought any longer. This is false memory OCD, I am choosing to live my life and not deal with this any more” Read it out, and learn in your head. When a thought comes in, recite it and think/do something else. If a second later it comes in again, repeat. Over and over, at first thoughts will fly at you more. But then the power fades. You don’t have to try it, but it’s working for me (only done a few days of it, but it’s similar to her other method I tried and that helped me massively, I just took my eye off the ball)

Hi Lewis this is the same principle as the 4 steps just different phraseology these things seem to work. Will have a look at this advice as well. I am also getting better. Glad you are improved ?

Yeah they are all similar, even when you get reassurance from your brain, still choose just to let it go as well and recite (I think you said that above) Its crazy how the mind works!

Yep it's a bizzare thing. Just let it pass through and move on. Reciting will help to reinforce. Well done!

I’ll check in later or tomorrow :) Keep going too! Sounds like we are both in the same place/direction

?

Dear both - The Chimp Paradox is excellent. The author has a TED talk on feeding the chimp etc. The mantra you have Lewis will be effective when repeated as Jaygrace says :)

I have a queue of people in the office wanting to read about the chimp after me. Lol we are all scr#wed up in one way or another.

Amen to that Jaygrace?

My therapist said to write it down, I can remember in my head but reading it is effective too! Do you think your medication has had an impact on your thoughts?

Lewis, my medication (20mg Fluoxetine at mo) does. In a blissful way, the thoughts tend to hover and flutter off and I am calmer/less prone to panic. Exercise, hydration and reading meditative/self-help books also contribute. But yes, meds take the edge off. I am less irritable and less up/down. Different strokes though Lewis.

It says it can take like 10-12 weeks to impact OCD symptoms. I’m on like week 8 of 150 Sertraline. I’m not sure how it’s affected me. I’m I’d be worse off without them!

Hey, how is everyone doing?

Hi not bad at all, not perfect but better and you?

I’m the same. Still sticking with it. I find as it gets easier, it’s easier to fall into a trap of thinking back to it. Just got to be consistent :) Better than I’ve been previously though

Yes occasionally I let my guard down. Keep going we need to be consistent and persistent. You sound much better good to hear ?

Good news. I am calmer this week. I agree re trap Lewis. Also you feel happy for a moment or day or week and can then feel guilty for feeling happy. Which we shouldn't! :)

Hey guys, how you been doing last few days?

Hi Lewis. Good thanks. My thoughts flicker on periphery of my mind then I remind myself it's OCD. I think pills h AZ be helped tbh. You two?

Fluoxetine. Good for anxiety, OCD, depression. Prescribed.

Glad to hear everyone is ok. Me I am better still. Managed to forget there was even an issue one day this week. Not happened for a long time. Not perfect but appreciating some peace of mind.

Lovely to hear. Peace of mind, yes, I've had a few days recently without much of a thought. So Lewis, that light will always be there at the end of and through the tunnel. It just has a dimmer switch :)

That’s amazing. Nice one! So you guys just not been paying attention to the feelings/thoughts?

Just acknowledging them, not arguing with them and carrying on with whatever I am doing. Plus reminding myself that it's just OCD.

Brilliant. I’ve been having more good moments. Still don’t feel great a lot of times, but it’s definitely improved overall :) Would you say you have improved since last Saturday?

Yes. But it's knowing that it's OK to have bad patches because you do come out. I write myself notes so I have reminders from me for when I'm not me. Also, do you have to scroll endlessly down when you get a notification...?

Yes, all the way down haha! It’s scary to know there are bad patches. But we have to keep fighting. Hopefully one day this thought won’t bother me as much!

It won't Lewis it will get much better. Yes have to scroll for miles shall we start a new string. Or alternatively not sure what you guys think but I am happy to reveal myself, that doesn't happen often lol and take this off line. We could perhaps private message over Facebook might make things easier. Good to have a bit of mutual support. Sometimes this site, as good as it is depresses me so many people struggling! Completely understand if it's not a good idea.

‘Reveal yourself’ like some sort of Superhero haha! Yeah there is a lot of negative stuff. Plus, I feel like the ‘false memory’ people are a little bit different from the rest? (I know it’s still compulsions, but theirs are based on future/current events) I’m not sure if that’s naive to say?

I'm on Facebook, although I 82% hate it. Lewis will be too young for it?! ? Good for messenger though :) Lewis, what you reckon?

Happy to 'befriend' and message you guys.

Fab I am who I say I am honest ? I have a business Facebook account called Pet Delicious Ltd there is a little red dog on the front. If you like that page I will find you and send a friend request from my personal FB. You can always unlike the business page afterwards it's just a doggy thing.

Just liked you.

Great will go on and see if I can connect

I think OCD is such a wide banner but also this app has a huge range of worriers and people seeking reassurance. It's funny because I find it difficult to understand lots of it so am happy to tighten the circle - you both seem to snuggle with the 'What if I..' and 'What if I did...'. Not necessarily, 'I think I'm going to do this.' I know I don't. I know exactly what I'm going to do, it's the past possibilities I focus on.

Lewis, JayGrace found me on FB. If she finds you, we can have an OCD pyramid!

I’ll find it at some point tomorrow. But yeah, it’s good to have a more specific section. I also can’t relate to contamination/harm thoughts etc in the moment. I’d rather have more physical compulsions to be honest!

Hey Jay, Sorry, only just saw this. Not great to be honest. Just gave up today My therapist didn’t really know what she was doing :/. So I’ve booked an appointment with one who is officially registered to do CBT/ERP. I hope ERP will help ?

Sorry to hear that. You have experienced feeling better though. It can be done. I know it's painful but you have to ride it out keep up your little mantra. If you don't ruminate and you feel anxious, I always feel like it's a good thing as I am not letting OCD win. No pain no gain is apt here. However it's short term pain for long term gain. ERP is another weapon. It will get better. A word of advice where I have failed numerous times you may feel you are getting no better but don't give up. It just takes time. I was far too impatient.

I am very impatient haha. They say with OCD a mantra shouldn’t be used (on the OCD action website). When doing ERP you should expose rather than have something to reassure? Funnily enough, when I just give up and say “whatever, could have happened. I don’t care anymore” It’s like giving up but kinda relief, limiting the power haha

Probably should have said your thoughtful response rather than mantra ? yep we have to find a way not to care. We are fighting against ourselves. I get exactly the same feeling if I give up.

It’s a strange sensation, I’ve just mostly given up. When the anxiety comes it just feels like...maybe the word is content? I still can’t do anything and feel terrible. But I’m just accepting it and sitting here Good times! Sorry to be negative. Just lost basically ?

It will get better, just stick in there ERP will also help ?

Thank you. Do you guys ever feel happy without feeling like you don’t deserve it?

Yes. I am feeling very low at the moment but I know from experience that a combination of medication, sleep, exercise, CBT/ERP will get me back up there again. You too Lewis.

I’m sorry to hear that KidA. I hope things get better. I feel very low, but content at the same time? If that makes sense. I’ve just accepted everything is terrible and sit with the anxiety. Strangely it’s kinda relieving but not..

Sitting with the 'what if' without the compulsions (reassurance-seeking, checks, confessions) is what I am trying to do. Which heightens the anxiety in the short term apparently. And then it diminishes and becomes less frequent in theory...So you are doing ERP, Lewis.

It’s unguided at the moment, didn’t realise I was doing it. It’s made me learn a few things. 1. Normal people would be able to let our issues go. Whereas with OCD we want 100% certainty, but we will never get it. 2. When I just sit and take the anxiety (like I’ve been doing last 2/3 days). I’m kinda seeing that it’s very very unlikely I would do the actions I think I did, but my mind is like...BUT THERES A 0.01% chance you did... Like I can’t 100% say I’ve never hit someone with my car before, I could have and not realised. Very unlikely but same thing!

Good for you, Lewis. I just sought reassurance from my wife and she refused. I will see how 7 days of zero compulsions works...Good luck!

Agree you are doing ERP. I have had the best couple of weeks in ages. So now I am doubting I have OCD. Therefore what was worrying me must be true. Frankly I am past caring I just feel the pain and it goes away. On not deserving to be happy I don't feel this anymore. I have had an eventful life and been through some situations that are probably worse than most 'normal' life problems. Tired of being a slave to guilt and fear. I think we react badly to fear and then we can't endure it so we start off trying to think our way out of it. We need to increase our tolerance to our fears. That's what we are doing sitting with them. ?