- Username
- sillygoose1012
- Date posted
- 3y ago
i can relate to this on such a deep deep level i would even ask for reassurance from my friend like: does wearing this mean i am gay? does doing this mean i am gay? and it is exhausting to be so self-aware all the time, even the way i sit, talk, walk, everything so you are not alone in this i definitely stuggle with this a lot too sometimes i even hate looking at my hands because my veins pop out sometimes and i go like sure those are lesbian hands because you are one and so and so i hate tiktok i deleted it as soon as i started having this theme because it has so many triggers like honestly hoe can listening to harry styles mean i am bisexual?? and for a while i even believed those(before the theme) and i felt like i was in this huge "cool" group and now it's haunting me sorry for the rant, all i want to say is you're not alone in this and you have my full support
If it helps at all I also have very vainy and bony hands and I also have this worry! It’s just one of ocds stupid little digs
@Melodyocd like before ocd i never worried about them but rather found them pretty but now my brain is telling me that i found them pretty because they look manly and i like that my cousin and mom have the same hand shapes and they always reassure me but when my hands are dangling at my sides and i look at them i literally remember those thirst traps on tiktok of lesbians with veiny hands and i spiral into my thoughts i am trying to avoid looking at them like it's that bad
@Nour04 It’s all just genetics, my mum and brother both have the same hands as me too! I hated my hands forever bc they looked so bony and gross, but if it helps my mum was asked to be a hand model once because they loved how beautiful they were!!
@Melodyocd that is so sweet of you to share this with me and make me feel better it's just that feeling i get when looking down at my hands and then i feel like those guys/lesbians who look down at their veiny hands and i worry i may be trans/bi/lesbian thank you again for being so helpful
@Nour04 I completely understand and relate to your worry! I think the best thing we can do is say the whole “maybe, but maybe not” thing to those kinda thoughts
@Melodyocd it's so distressing but you're right it must be the best way ti deal with it and not actually run to tests and checks and compulsions and reassurance
@Nour04 Yeah exactly, all those things will just make it worse in the long run!
100% tik tok is so so triggering. Like clothes and music taste doesn't determine sexuality??? It's so frustrating. I totally relate to you and I overanalyze everything I do and pick it all apart and it drives me crazy.
I can 100% relate to this! Especially since I have a few lgbtq friends and family members. I think what helps me with this is that I try my very best to not care what other people think about me, which is really difficult I know, I still really struggle to do it haha! Try your best to focus on yourself and your view of yourself, rather than how other view you because literally every single person in your life will view you in a different way. Hope you’re doing okay tho! :)
That makes me feel so better to know I'm not alone. I relate to you in that my best friend is gay and will constantly pick things apart about people like "oh that's so gay" or whatever. I had a nose piercing for a while and he's like are you sure you're not..ya know??? And it's so so frustrating especially because people don't know this internal battle I'm constantly facing. I try not to let what other people think bother me but I get in my head a lot and wonder if other people think I give off bi/lesbian energy and if that means something about myself. I also have a boyfriend and wonder if people are like "oh it's a cover up" or "I wonder when she'll come out" and it drives me literally insane
@California2325 Honestly I relate to those thoughts so much, it’s so normal for this theme I think. I never have had a boyfriend due to me being seriously anxious, and I always get worried people think it’s because I’m gay/bi really and in denial, it’s scary! But I know deep down it’s probably because I have bad anxiety disorders and change makes me have panic attacks, so when something new happens like a relationship, it’s scary because I haven’t done that before! Honestly I think we have to try out absolute hardest to not give a shite what other people think, I think a lot of people with ocd care a lotttt about others opinions which deffo doesn’t help! (Myself included)
(I'm sorry for my English but I'm not native speaker) Hey im very stressed so I need to share my story. I think I have hocd for like 2 months. I'm so stressed to go to therapist because l'm scared that he won't be aware of ocd and he won't give me a good resonance in my case i don’t think that in my country it’s know topic. So I wanna ask you what you guys think of it. I'm so scared that I’m lesbian and I'm just in denial. I've never liked girls but l've never had bad feelings about homosexual people, I had lesbian friend and two gay friends and it was always normal for me, but I just always knew that I like boys because l've always had crushes on boys, I enjoyed reading love novels or erotic novels and it was what I knew I want. And I have a very good friend, we even call each other sister because since we met we had a lot in common, we were very comfortable with yourself, we were taking baths in bathtub together talking about boys and we were drinking wine and it was our tradition , we even kissed on party because we played truth or dare with boys and other girls and we never had second thoughts about it I asked even my sister if it’s weird and she said that she also kissed a girl when she was young and she also saw her friend naked.. she said that we all woman so that’s not weird and don’t identify my sexuality (I asked her now when I have this thought not then), it never even bother me because I knew it didn't meant anything in sexual or romantic way to me. But when I told my flat mate because he asked me how close we are because even tho we studying in different towns we still manage to have contact or to meet and I told him that she is like my sister, we know everything about our selves and I said "bro she saw me naked and we even kissed on party, so think she knows me better than anybody else" (we were 16 then and now l'm 20 and never had questioning my sexuality since now) and then he said "it's sound so lesbian, I think you are bi, for sure you are bi" and at first i was like yyy no and it didn't bother me really, but later I had a lot of stress.. final exams, and I don't know why but I was worried about my health so badly because somehow I thought that I have cancer and I felt very sick, I was vomiting from stress I was crying all night but I go to doctor and he said that I just have some problem with period but since then I was very unstable about my mental health and I started to think what if he was right and I stared to obsessing, I couldn't eat and sleep, I was crying for 3 days all the time, even my flat mates were worried and since then I'm so anxious that maybe he was right and my thoughts now tell my that for sure I like this and at the same time when I think about be with woman but not in sexual way but like be with her in relationships at first I think I want it but the Il'm so anxious so I think that's not the thing. But what is worrying me the most that nothing give me joy.. I'm bookworm I loved to read I loved romance novels and now I think I can't read them, I'm procrastinating (and I was always very active and I loved to study) I can't watch my favorite shows because there are homosexual couples and in the past it didn't bother me but now it is. I also wonder..In childhood because of my parents divorced and very bad situation in home (violence and My mom was twice in mental hospital because she had depression) when I was 6 my teacher saw that I had problems with stuttering and i had something like compulsive blinking (?) I was blinking like all the time and back then I was going to child psychologist because I was scared of people and I was reacting with crying and stress when someone were looking at me with anger (or I just thought that person is mad at me)But I thought that I gone through this. Can it have influence on my mental health right now? Please help me. I'm crying even while l'm writing it, I even had thoughts that's it's better to be dead than be lesbian and I'm very stressed because l'm worried that I will never like bovs again. I’m so sick of questioning every single move and tik tok and social media give me also a lot anxiety. Pleas help me.
I'm not sure where to confide to talk about this as this is a current stressor. I've been dealing with constant worrying and intrusive thoughts for months, rumination, checking, etc now.The current one started to gradually develop in the past few weeks, where I fear checking out other guys. I'm in a relationship with an amazing and beautiful guy, and both of us are very loyal. He's very big on loyalty and checking out people, and I never did at all, and I still don't. However it became a constant worry of "do I check people out? What if I check someone out?? Will I do that?" And I notice it begin to actively obsessively tru and avoid something I already don't do to make sure I don't it. So now i began to get the intrusive thought question of "does that guy look good, I bet you find him attractive and you don't want to admit it, I bet you think he looks better, what if I look even though I know I won't cause I have no interest". I begin to feel nauseous or uncomfortable with even acknowledging a random guy's presence, and even if I glance at them as I often do with strangers (not out of attractiveness, just observing people) I get this rush of fear as I worry of "did I just check this person out??" It was mild at first, then I noticed because I started having the thought and fear so much my brain was already used to it where I could look at a guy and my brain auto registered the intrusive thought for it without it no longer showing up. So I now get the rush of anxiety and nauseous feeling. I blocked a friend I knew since middle school cause he posted shirtless pics and I never been attracted to them or found them hot (still don't, my brain just messes with me) but for the sake of not triggering my anxiety I blocked him. It got worse this week, where I stare at a guy that triggered that anxious response out of making sure I don't find them attractive. I feel the impulse to look at them after I look away in fear of never confirming that I wasn't attracted to them, cause I'm afraid to be left with the "was I? Why did I look? Am I checking people out? Am I horrible??" Looking leaves me distressed and sick. School started and this happening a bit more, and in general with guys too. For example I wouldn't bat an eye to the guys I knew from last year or a celeb, but now I'm forcing myself to stare at them and analyze them to make sure I don't find them attractive, even though I never did. I cry a lot cause of it, feel unwell, sad, guilty as if I do this with the intent to legit check them out even though I don't. It branched out into random small anxiety about "what if I am being unloyal now?? Does my boyfriend look good??" But this type of one doesn't get the chance to worry me like the reast cause it quickly goes away cause I'm immediately reminded with how beautiful he is inside and out. haven't mentioned this intrusive thought to my boyfriend compared to others I've shared as I don't know how to word it best to not worry him yet. I love him, and I hate when I get the intrusive question of "does he look better, you're getting anxious to answer that means your prefer the other person". It feels pretty up there with second in line with my brief POCD being first. I don't want the guys to think at school I'm checking them out or I have a thing for them, or for people to think I'm trying to chest on my bf. It's hard to explain the auto repsonse I get of anxiety and checking by looking at them. But I know it's just my brain and anxiety trying to mess with me, but can't help but worry often especially cause something like this means a lot to me and him. I used to be able to say "oh looks decent/not bad" when I saw a celeb, or friend, or once in a blue moon any strangers. I didn't think much about this way, since my boyfriend said in a way he does the same (not in a "oh he's hot/attractive" way but a "you don't look bad, but you can't be considered good because my boyfriend immediately takes that spot". Even typing this I get the intrusive worry of "what if I'm lying what if I'm not being honest what if I'm forcing myself", even though my boyfriend is the most glorious guy to ever lay eyes on. I stared at his photos in awe and taking in how gorgeous he is to me all the time (one point I went through my entire photo album of him in amazement- I still do this, I did this today seeing him). I notice I can only effortlessly do this without worry when I'm in a good mood. I know I haven't lost attraction to him one bit, but this intrusive has been bothering me for some weeks as it quite distressing to acknowledge another guy forcefully out of anxiety. As with other random intrusive thoughts I have, they die out eventually but probably will come back. I love my boyfriend, when my friends talk about how other guys are, I don't respond as it's not in me to do that and still isn't. Out of anxiety it's just never been a thing for me. In anxiety, it became so stressful to deal with.
I need someone's thoughts on this I've been starting to question everything and all the things I've done, I've never liked any girls despite being in a girls class for years, but because if hocd I've starting to think about things I've done or thought that are not normal for a straight person, when I was little I used to enjoy watching videos of people making out and I kind of felt aroused when the guy touched some parts of the girl, sometimes i stumbled upon some videos of girls kissing and I remember I felt aroused by that too,then I stopped but growing up I tried to watch porn despite the fact that I'm rarely horny and straight porn just didn't do it for me, then I stumbled in lesbian porn and I actually enjoyed it and would get around by it,but I never questioned my sexuality because I knew that it was quite common for straight girls to watch lesbian porn but the thing is that sometimes I've wanted to do the same things that girls did in those videos,not essentially making sex with them or being touched by them but touch certain parts of some girls(not a lot just the ones I found extremely attractive)and this thought aroused me. Since hocd hit I've been rethinking everything and this thing in particular has stuck with me. Idk really I feel so hopeless because I mean for someone it could not be a big deal being not straight but for me it literally is because my entire identity would be destroyed and I would not be able to play those kind of games cause I would not enjoy them or I won't be able to watch any straight romance movie anymore or I could not fangirl with my friends about some hot singers or actors or even fictional characters and my dream since I was a child of being married with a man and having a beautiful family with children would be destroyed. So right now I would like someone's thoughts on this,like I don't want reassurance I just want to know what someone thinks about this,like do you think I'm not straight in reality?
Share your thoughts so the Community can respond