Need some advice here as I feel like such a sick twisted person..I feel like I may have sexual intrusive thoughts ocd but sometimes I think it’s just me and my twisted brain- intrusive thoughts about my family members has turned into pedophilia ocd and what makes it worse is that I work with children. Lately I’ve been seeing sexual intrusive images of me sexually abusing young children normally male, and I am obviously distressed by them and I would never act on that but it makes me feel like I would actually do that cause of the feeling I would get and it’s all so confusing and scary cause I would never do that to a child. Please someone help that has maybe been through a similar experience?

So my story is very similar. I’ve had POCD since October. And it was incredibly scary. I’m now 5 months in, and while it’s still not great, it’s manageable. I also work with children, and of course OCD chose specific kids for me to feel attraction for. How I’ve gotten somewhat better from it is general acceptance of the thoughts, and forcing myself to hangout with the kids as much as possible. When doing that, your ocd will come out and hit hard. And that’s where the ERP comes in. You let the thoughts come in, and don’t react. The more you do that, your brain will realize this isn’t a threat, and will send them to you less. Eventually you won’t react with fear, but with acceptance. And your days will be much more manageable. I’m not sure if you’re on medicine or not, but I am now and it’s helped a TON with being able to accept them. (Not pushing meds obviously, it’s your choice, but it’s helped for me!) You have to keep fighting, it’s the only way. You will get better. We all will. We just have to keep fighting. Any questions, please let me know!

Thank you for that @halespineapple18 what helpful words you wrote. And @letsgo I totally, totally know where you are. It does feel so real! But then, and this is just me personally and I don’t want to put comparisons in your head, when I find myself attracted to a guy, I have that moment of “oh...THATS what attraction is.” I know that’s reassurance, but sometimes that helps me. Other times it makes me anxious though because I start comparing

One of the ocd classic tactics- it tries to make us think we need to figure it out! When we don’t, it’s a futile search. Struggling with this right now because my mind keeps trying to ruminate on what I hope, is a false memory. But I’ve been dealing with this for three years and I’m pretty sure if I was going to solve anything or figure out if it’s real or not, I would have already! :(

You just said it yourself - You would never do that to a child. People who are actual pedophiles don't think twice about it - it feels normal to them. You questioning yourself shows you have a side to you that's know this isn't right. I get the same feeling around family members. It's very sad because sometimes I don't want my mom to hug me because of thoughts which eventually lead to feelings but you just gotta remember - CBT is a paradigm. Your thoughts create your feelings which create your behaviors. So accepting these thoughts and allowing them to flow instead of putting meaning to them will slowly have the feeling go away. It just takes time and practice and being EXTREMELY uncomfortable for a bit. Sorry to hear your struggle. I know it's a twisted journey but you'll become stronger for it.

Loved discovering this thread. I also work with kids and that has been both a blessing and curse. It can be the best exposure therapy without even noticing, but it can, on a bad day, be very triggering. I also have intrusive thoughts over certain kids and that made me feel like my OCD was real, like it wasn’t real ocd because only certain kids trigger it.

Yeah definitely. I’m so happy that I discovered this app it’s helped me confirm to me that I’m not a sick person!

Hey guys I just found this thread and wanted in on it! Haha. I know a few people I think I’ve talked to before @letsgo @lewis @figuringitallout sorry you are going through this mess @zg23. I too work with kids and it just really sucks sometimes to have these horrible nightmare thoughts and especially because I struggle with a false memory too. It’s actually really haunting me today but I’m just trying to work on accepting the uncertainty. My therapist is having me listen to this one acceptance meditation exercise it’s been helping me so I thought I would share I hope the link works https://urldefense.proofpoint.com/v2/url?u=http-3A__www.integrativehealthpartners.org_downloads_Acceptance-2520of-2520Anxiety.mp3&d=DwMFaQ&c=4IuDgi7q6QSS1iN-K5M5k5XhnUn4NLxLKdz0Jzx4Vkc&r=17aAFzvKvY8zW12NQkN3ktvPnJSgYg5xP7SWtAWeYfw&m=QfEf4WDP3ofhc7NHR_utOqKbNpfvtYfqjvqfuc2U1AU&s=1FMoU_aA7vIjdY7pDYbQq6mc1uyyn4lbJQAjVGW6n4s&e=

I’ve been struggling a bit tonight. Home from work and sitting working on my writing listening to music and I just can’t stop thinking about my POCD trying to figure out if it’s real or not. The attraction that my OCD tells me I have feels so real. But I will continue to try to accept uncertainty, and not entangle myself within the thoughts. Just so sick of thinking these things.

Thank you for your kind words

Thank you! Sometimes I get scared though as I feel like I may not have ocd.. because yes I work with kids and I sort of force myself to go in and deal with the thoughts. I get uncomfortable when the children are close to me though.. does this mean I don’t have ocd

Ayy figuringitallout, welcome to the club ?

But for real. If you guys need support let’s bookmark this thread and keep it going. I’m here to help.... and to also get help :)

So today I’m feeling in such a better mood but not genuinely happy cause the thoughts are still in the back of my head.. anyone else have this problem where they have a thought, get relief and then fight it but you feel bad that you’ve fought it cause it’s so bad? And that you’re still not finished with the thought? It’s like a sense of uncertainty and then it throws a badder thought at you which happened to me today but was a repeated thought so I fought it.. I just feel like I’m in a constant battle with my brain

Also @zg23 we call that the back door spike when you feel happy and then you feel guilty when you try and accept a thought. It doesn’t mean anything it’s just another trick of ocd.

This has actually been upsetting me today. A kid at work was making me super anxious because I could tell he was a cute kid, not in a weird way but just a cute kid, like the kind of kid who would be the young son in a movie or something lol, but it made me anxious that I was secretly thinking bad things or would want to do something bad to him. :(((( it sucks

I’m so happy I made this thread now. :) not only for me but for other people too. At the moment I’m struggling with a dark thought of if I want to sexually abuse a child and I know I don’t. I wake up and the thoughts there and makes me sick. I

Hey, any of you guys still here?

Can’t believe it’s been so long. I don’t wanna be a bother but I stumbled on the thread again and needed to see it

Hey! I’m about to head into work but I’ll find time to sneak away and comment on my experience with this. I’m going through the exact same stuff. Hold tight!

Thank you so much!

Well said!

Thank you so much.. did you ever feel that sometimes your brain tells you that you want to do these things? Like it’s okay and that you would enjoy it? Cause my brain sometimes goes to this dark side and causes me such anxiety and depression..

Hi zg23! I remember when my pedophiliac thoughts started, my mind would go to “just do it and get it over with.” Same thing, mostly happens around little boys. I have a son and my first intrusive thought was about him, he was 4 at the time. This is when I was like well if you’re thinking about it you must want to do it. I took myself to the hospital instead. I distanced myself from him and all other children just so I wouldn’t have access to do anything. My mind is always like “you could if you wanted to. You could do anything. It would be so easy” and I’m just like STFU and I also become super anxious and depressed. I can’t tell you that it’ll go away because here I am 4 years later still with the same thoughts, sometimes it’s manageable sometimes it’s not. What keeps me going is this thing I read that said that this specific type of ocd tends to affect the people who are extremely non-violent and careful with kids. I could see why it affects the people who love working with kids. I used to want to be a kindergarten teacher and have five kids of my own. Not anymore thanks to the thoughts. At the end of the day our compulsions are to take ourselves out of the equation, avoid kids, get tf away from them. As long as you have these compulsions you know you have ocd and you know the thoughts don’t even belong to you.

You have ocd straight up, I can already tell. I do the same thing. I also work with kids. When they’re too close to me I’m like Ok back up back up. Or when they wanna hug me or touch me in anyway, which kids do, their little hands go everywhere, I’m like hands to ourselves! My number one compulsive behavior for when kids get too close is to roll my hands up into a ball, not a fist but more of like an ASL n. And I hold both my hands like that till they give me some space. Of course ocd will realize when you’ve figure out how to combat a certain thought so it’ll come up with a big badder thought to hit you with and the cycle starts all over again. The whole thing is a cycle, best just to not go along with it. Easier said than done. Have you been able to get a diagnosis? An ocd diagnosis from a professional will also help you when your ocd tells you you don’t have ocd. You can be like “actually I do so this is going to be difficult but I can handle it cause it’s my ocd not me!” I’m not a professional but everything you’re describing I’ve experienced as part of the disorder Hang in there ❤️

I haven’t got a diagnosis.. I am starting cbt through an online therapy service but I am scared that it won’t help me. I am also scared because I’m a sexual person and I started sexually exploring at a young age. Thank you all so much for your support I don’t feel so alone anymore.

I’m struggling with this because of ‘false memories’ It’s been getting a little better. But has anybody else dealt with this?

I have questioned my past a lot like if I done anything to a child when I was alone with them, but I know I haven’t

My anxiety is coming from a Facebook conversation I can’t remember 2 years ago ? It’s destroying me

It’s okay! Let’s talk about it. Why are you anxious about this conversation? Who was it with

That’s my problem, I can’t remember. Some random girl, I used google translate to speak to her for probably under an hour or two. I can’t remember anything from the conversation. So all the ‘what ifs’ came in. Was she under age? Did I say anything sexual? What happened? I feel terrible 24/7! Like I’m a peado!

No need to worry! Look at it this way- if you are so worried about being a peado it means you aren’t one. Peados like being peados! I guess it’s just your brain trying to play tricks with you. You know yourself who you are listen to your heart- is there anything in particular that’s making you think you may have said something sexual ?

Also is there any chance that you can log in and look at this conversation to prove to yourself nothing happened? I know that sounds nerve wracking, but just take a breather and think logically for a moment.

I know I’m not a peado. Like I’m not attracted to children and wouldn’t do anything. I don’t know why, I had a few drinks that night. I just have a lot of self doubt, because I don’t remember I just think it’s possible?! It makes me feel like the worst person in the world. Seeking reassurance is the wrong thing to do, but all my mind does is ruminate. ?

Great idea! Bookmarking now

I’m about to wake up and head in to work and there’s a sense of dread..

Update: I feel better when I’m around the kids the thoughts aren’t bothering me too much anymore. The trick that my mind was playing with me before I’ve just worked out- I told the thought okay sexual wise of it you would like it but you would never do that to a child. Then it bothered me that I even thought this way. It’s a cycle that never stops I’m so tired

Yeah the exact same thing happens to me. It’s really hard but I’ve recently just started accepting the thoughts for what they are, thoughts. And whenever a thought comes up I label it as ocd and carry on. They lose power that way. When you don’t react with fear, they lose power.

I have been doing that too.. the thing that scares me the most is the thoughts that I would even think of doing that would be okay.. especially cause I’m sexual and stuff; I would obviously never do that to a child but what I’ve realised by being around kids today is how much I love and care for them just guess I gotta keep fighting it

The thing is too.. a lot of things in today's society are sexualized... even little kids. It's sad but true. A friend of mine who doesn't have OCD agreed with me that sometimes a child can be sexualized and not because you want it, maybe due to society? Anyways, the difference between me and her was that she let that thought go after thinking it and I would obsess about it. I would feel guilty but then question myself and go back and forth. OCD takes that little thing you wouldn't want to happen the most and turns it around. Its a horrible feeling but can be undone. Crazy thing about CBT, it's like untangling your mind and rewiring it.

Thank you so much!

I guess I really do have ocd then :(

It really sounds like you do. The best thing I’ve done is reach out for therapy I wish I had done so three years ago. They can diagnose you and rate your ocd. An actual diagnosis can be comforting as well because most of the time we doubt we actually have ocd (ironic right) and then that’s distressing as well

Yeah I guess, thank you so much

Hey guys! Just a quick update: I’m starting cbt on Tuesday.. at the moment the same thought of me sexually abusing a child keeps replaying in my mind and there’s like two different sides to me which scares me.. I know I would never do that but my brain is like but maybe you would WANT to and I’m like Yh sexually I would obviously but I could never do that to a child and it’s just like living with this uncertainty everyday it’s so mentally draining..

Omg you guys are here! How are you???

Any body still here?

I was trying to come off my meds and was doing okay but I had a really scary thought today and I could use some reminders. I had a thought about my false memory like “you probably were scared of getting caught” kinda thought and it felt so real!

I was doing amazing but I’m struggling a lot again. It’s so awful! I am on meds now and they help a bit. My memories are Fucking with mectoo!

You were doing so amazing, you will get through this!