- Username
- .ketamine.kitten.
- Date posted
- 3y ago
I'm here if you want to talk. I feel you completely. X
Thank you Molly, I appreciate that. It's hard to explain this to folks without OCD and thus no shared experience.
I'm not a therapist, merely a patient and fellow sufferer, but what you described is in fact textbook ROCD. You're not alone in this, though it can seem so preposterous and intrusive that you can't imagine being anything but unique. I can tell you that when the cycle gets really bad and/or goes on long enough, even though you think there's no trigger you are actually still dealing with the latest trigger, or any or all of the triggers you've been going through. Our systems have gotten used to being on high alert. The bottom line is that the thoughts are irrational and don't reflect actual emotions. And you will not be able to think your way to feeling what you want to feel. Even if you felt the right feelings, the ROCD will still want to cause trouble. If it's at all possible, I highly recommend getting into ERP therapy.
How are you doing at the moment? Has this ruined relationships for you? X
Doing a lot better but still find myself looking over my shoulder in fear that the next cycle is looking to get me. My therapist is helping a lot with this, mostly by assuring me that this is a totally normal part of the process. And this has actually made my relationships stronger. I'm fortunate to be surrounded by people who see the real me, even when I can't.
Was it jjst your SO it affected or your other relationships too? X
@mollyyy Just my SO. Taking someone who's OCD and throwing in a surgery to their SO, then a week later going into lockdown ... things can go haywire in the brain! Fortunately, I have amazing loving support from her as well as some wonderful support from friends. And of course, NOCD.
@Anonymous That's good to hear. I just constantly question and iverthink every little thing, trying to be more present but this am I looked at him sleeping and was like 'do I want to look at this fave for the rest of my life, what if I dont find him cute enough etc'(he is pretty beautiful lol) and I was present in that moment so now I'm like blahhhhh. Haha my SO is super supportive but he doesn't fully understand so he gets frustrated too. He's only human x
Thank you both for your responses. I know we're not supposed to seek reassurance, but I haven't felt safe in my body or identity for days now, and it's unbearable at times. I scheduled a consult with a NOCD therapist to get back into ERP.
Yes, reading articles for reassurance is a compulsion; and I think it's safe to say that most everyone who has ROCD and other subtypes has done this, myself included. Ultimately, you just want to feel better and there's nothing wrong with that, so you deserve some self-compassion. It's not that you can't tell what you feel, it's that the obsessions are so strong that your real feelings don't stand a chance. And the less you feel what you want, the more it seems like that's evidence of your worst fear. It's a really messed up cycle this condition puts us in! Emotions naturally ebb and flow anyway, and the ebb part is not adequate evidence of anything. The key that ERP helps you achieve is to get to the point where you are comfortable with not needing to be certain. When you can do that, your true feelings will be able to breathe and find room to express themselves again.
Thank you so much for saying "the obsessions are so strong the real feelings don't stand a chance"... That really resonates. The ERP I've done in the past had been focused on my perfectionism, eating behaviors and organization, with a fair amount of efficacy so I know it works. It's almost like the OCD has nowhere else to go but to my relationship. š«
I have often felt that very same thing, that OCD is most at home feeding on my greatest fears. I guess this is a means to overcoming those fears.
It's flaring up again, and I found myself Googling "real doubt vs. relationship OCD"... It's not helping. The first few times I read these articles (some from NOCD) I felt relief, and now I can't achieve that. Would we call this compulsing? I'm so confused about how I feel I can't tell what's real and what's what.
This is so long ah Iām so sorry. Iām really just trying to get all my thoughts out/ see if anyone feels similarly/ and what theyāve found helps. Iāve never been diagnosed with OCD, but Iāve looked into it a lot and feel that I might have ROCD. (I was once diagnosed with anxiety, but didnāt keep up with therapy because my parents werenāt keen on it.) Now I really want to invest in it to get a formal diagnoses/help, and Iām going to start looking into that. Iām scared that this isnāt ROCD, and Iām truly just in the wrong relationship, or not actually in love with my partner. But then sometimes Iām certain it is? Weāve been together for a year and a couple of months, and it has been wonderful. She makes me feel so loved and so understood. She is my best friend. But this summer when we were on break from school I started getting major doubts once Iād found out about ROCD and some of my thoughts lined up with itās description. Iād already started to have doubts before the summer. She is the first person Iāve slept with, and it took a while for me to have an orgasm, and that made me freak out and start to question my attraction towards her/our compatibility. Every time weād have sex Iād worry over this. (Though I also think it has to do with me not knowing what I wanted/what I liked in bed) Our sex life got better but I still had obsessive thoughts. I have them daily - āwhat if I donāt love herā or āwhat if this isnāt the right relationshipā or āshould I be dating someone elseā When Iām with her Iām constantly checking. If we kiss, Iāll analyze how it feels (or how it doesnāt) and the same thing goes for when she compliments me or says she loves me. Iāll say I love her but something in my brain will say ābut do you really?ā Honestly, Iāve gotten to the point where when I think of her or am with her it makes me so anxious. I literally feel it in my stomach and chest. Itās so hard to deal with. I canāt make it stop. I think part of it is that Iām anxious that Iāll feel anxious/start to have obsessive thoughts, so I get anxious? I just want to be able to think of her and be around her and not feel so scared and anxious and always checking. I feel like my anxiety isnāt letting me truly experience my relationship.
I believe I (currently) am experiencing ROCD. Growing up as a child, I was always double checking the door was locked, wouldnāt walk on cracks, had to count to step. I eventually grew out of it. But I feel it has grown into ROCD. I currently have a year long relationship with a person I love and has treated me very well. I have plans to move in with him and I went job seeking at his house (we are long distance) last weekend. I had anxiety the entire time. I kept telling myself, Iām scared, what if this doesnāt work, what if this is telling me to break free of the relationship, what if Iām not attracted to him, and I was avoidant because I was so scared to feel the anxiety around/with him and question it all again. Once the anxiety would settle I would cry to him about it and tell him Iām just scared and everything is caving in. But is this normal in ROCD? I found myself googling everything the weeks leading up to me going. I once told him to give me space (he is very affectionate and I am not) and very selfless when it comes to calls/texts. PLUS - long distance adds to that. With everything, I started googling it all nonstop for days and feared we arenāt meant for each other. Now when he calls I feel anxious because I donāt want to feel that ātrappedā feeling of not having space again and I googled how to find common and reasonable communication with long distance. UGH just everything is scaring me and I fear my obsessiveness over it is making it worse.
I am not sure why, but here lately (the last couple of days) I have been feeling irritated with my partner. In fact itās not just with my partner, itās with everything. Unfortunately this is bothering me because itās almost as if I feel numb to my partner. The thought of being with him either causes me to feel anxiety or I feel nothing at all. Just typing this is making me anxious. I havenāt exactly had a direct intrusive thought related to the feelings I am experiencing but I fear that this means I should leave my partner. I fear that the irritation I feel could mean that I donāt really love him or that something is wrong. I wish I could ignore this but I find it hard to. In a way I almost donāt want to talk to him which makes me feel guilty and flat out terrible. I keep asking myself if this is just ROCD playing another trick on me or if I should actually leave him. The thought of doing so makes me very upset, it hurts my heart. I donāt want to hurt him because I truly donāt want to leave my partner in general. I love him very much, there isnāt anything I wouldnāt do for him. I want to be happy with my partner and enjoy the beautiful relationship we have. But because of all the anxiety I experience, I find it hard to do that. Something worth mentioning is that I have been without a medication that I normally take. I take Zoloft and unfortunately I havenāt had it for a little over a week. I am unsure but could the lack of medicine make me feel this way? Either way I have no clue, but I am desperate to feel truly happy in this relationship. Any thoughts or tips would be greatly appreciated! -Thank you :)
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