I decided to finally get help! I'm going to book an appointment tomorrow with a CBT professional. I'm so nervous about it though. I keep thinking that I won't be able to communicate the mess that my mind is properly. My symptoms really align with those of a hocd sufferer, but I'm so scared she will just say that I'm in denial, and will twist my thoughts even more. I'm so so scared that this is all true.

I've gotten diagnosed with OCD and I'm in therapy. But I'm worried that I don't have OCD/that I got misdiagnosed. And recently I'm worried that I've just gotten myself into a habit of thinking of dirty minded or just plain old terrible things after I see/hear certain things because I feel like I need to prove I have OCD or else I'm faking(sometimes this goes away). Or that I'm just mimicking symptoms of ocd to cope with real problems I may have and that im just really deep into denial. I don't know...I'm just so tired. I mean, what if I really am what I think I am and this is my brains only way of coping? I don't even really feel anything towards most of the thoughts anymore either I just know they go against my values and I don't want them. I don't know if that's because I'm so mentally exhausted, I just don't care, or that the thoughts are true and I'm comfortable with them.

It feels like I used to get so many intrusive thoughts in the beginning but now it’s less it’s only thoughts like what if I’m a p what if I’m a p what if I’m lying to myself what if I’m in dentist truly in all this and it was all fake like I’m an imposter, now it’s just feelings and noticing :/ and I hate he feelings that come with it I’m really scared I am one I feel so alone :( I’m taking therapy but my therapist is not specialized in ocd and I don’t think she understands and I don’t want to bring it up bc I brought up a fear that what if I turn into my stepdad and she said “are you attracted to children?” And I said no but it was just an irrational thought that came after I started realizing the trauma that happened to me as a kid, and idk I’m scared to Start with a therapists here bc what if all this just makes it worse and it turns out I am what I fear all along.? :(

I cant afford therapy which is why i’m not diagnosed with ocd. The first time i had heard what ocd was truly abt was 6 years ago when i overthinking my sexual identity and it fit. Additionally, i struggle with debilitating health anxiety and when i was in a rlt i was extremely anxious that i might not love my partner. This is the third year i experience distress around my sexuality but this year it feels real. And it could also explain my rlt anxiety. Comphet is a concept that really scares me. I dont want to be with a girl. I would rather die than discover i was lesbian. I cant accept uncertainty cz i dont want to be homosexual. Chat GPT told me it wasnt ocd + the thoughts dont distress me anymore. I experience 3 intense weeks of anxiety prior to now. Maybe its internalized homophobia. Maybe its comphet. I do find women to be attractive but i dont wanna be with them. Maybe i’m in denial. Idk anything anymore. I’m remembering times where i would find an actress attractive and try to shift my focus towards the man cz it would make me anxious. I’m not well at all.