Imo suicidal ocd is one the hardest themes to deal with. Becuase it feels like it could be real because killing yourself can be a result of a mental illness. It's just difficult becuase I don't know if I actually want to, or if it's ocd. This just makes it hard. I've had this theme for over a year, no self harm or attempts or anything but what if I want to. I don't wish I were dead. All I want is to be happy. HOW do I deal with this theme?? Any advice? Please??

This is my first and biggest theme up to this day, it started for me about 2 years ago. Everything you said I completely relate to. Honestly what has the most is doing ERP. I started about a year and a half ago and it helped a ton. It still shows up for me but not to the level of intensity or frequency as before. My advice would be to, if you’re not already doing so, connect with a therapist who does ERP. Regardless of the subtype, OCD is treated the same - exposing ourselves to our fears/triggers and not doing any compulsions whatsoever. It’s hard and takes time, but it’s so worth it. OCD creates a ton of doubts, it’s just the nature of it. But we have to learn to be okay with these doubts, to be okay with the uncertainty of “maybe, maybe not, regardless I continue on”. You’re absolutely not alone in this, I’m right there with you 💛

I have a therapist who doesn't specifically trained for ERP but he does know how to do it and how it works, and is still helping me do it. I am doing some self guided ERP rn (I wrote an exposure and read it every night three times. I sometimes don't really get a reaction which scares me). I've considered buying (and my therapist thinks it would be a good idea) Nathan Peterson's online OCD self guided course too.