Sometimes I want to get married to a man that has experienced OCD too, because we would understand each other, and we wouldn't judge each other based on this monster. Then I remember that if both of us have OCD, the probability that our child will have it too is of 50%. That's just way too risky and selfish, I don't want them to suffer like I do. This is a very sad illness, no one deserves to go through this.

My husband doesn’t have OCD or any anxiety issues and while he can’t 100% understand what I’m going through, every time I choose to be open and vulnerable with him he always meets me with support and no judgment.

Haha yes that's definitely an issue! I would take my thoughts on dating with a pinch of salt. I've taken a break from dating for a while - OCD had spread to the rest of my life, and I was often using my partners for reassurance and getting them to enable me. So I wanted to make sure the rest of my life was much more stable before I started dating again. Still, I was with someone for seven years who did not have OCD, and I have also dated a few people with other mental health issues (GAD, BPD etc). I think it's definitely nice to have a partner that can empathise with you and not judge you!! But I'm not sure that necessitates them having *gone through* OCD. Experiencing mental illness doesn't automatically make them good listeners, or more empathetic, or have good boundaries - there wasn't a clear pattern of these qualities in my partners. If they have those qualities, then that's what I'm interested in :) That said I would probably not date someone that had not been or was not treating their mental illness, as I'm quite far into my own recovery. I think it would be a little like a recovering alcoholic dating a current alcoholic - we can understand each other but it's too easy to relapse like that. Finally I think it is most important that *i* understand myself, I love myself and I care for myself so I am not seeking that from someone else. I can't expect someone else to accept me if I don't accept me. I hope all this makes sense.

My boyfriend doesn’t have OCD. Obviously he can’t relate to what I am going through but he is very open-minded about it and is empathetic. I think If your significant other is the right one for you, they will be understanding even if they don’t have OCD. :)

Honestly, I've met tons of empathetic, caring people in my life just in the past year of my recovery. I even dated one, for a short time. They hardly ever felt anxious except for exams which was frankly an experience I couldn't relate to at all! But they were very understanding and despite the lack of personal experience, communicated with me about what I needed from them, etc, how to avoid enabling me, and did it. I was still not ready for a relationship but that wasn't because of the lack of personal experience in OCD. I'm of the opinion that if I myself am caring and empathetic towards others and myself; if I'm assertive and keep good boundaries; if I love and accept myself and others for what they are... Those qualities are attractive to someone else who has those qualities too. That has certainly played out in my friendships - I kept overlooking good friends for toxic ones because I thought I only deserved bad friends. Now I keep finding wonderful people because I don't waste time on those who won't treat me fairly. But again, I don't need higher standards of care from other people because I have OCD. My partner is not and should not be my therapist - I have one already! He's the one that definitely needs a high understanding of OCD, haha. I don't expect or need that level of clinical understanding of what I'm going through from a partner. I just need respect, communication, trust, boundaries etc. Also I'm from the UK :)

Yes yes! And if you think about this, people with ocd understand this issue so much we deep down don't believe the content ourselves. So, we know how to deal with someone that has it. We know it doesn't define them. We just have to be careful to not give reassurance, or the relationship will become a liability of reassurance seeking. It's a very complicated thing, but it's still comforting to know that you can trust that person without fear of judgment.

As a counter point about the children... if you can learn now how to accept your OCD, you could teach your child about how to sit with discomfort, accept intrusive thoughts, and pass on all those skills at any early age. And they could do the same to their friends, family, etc, when they're older. They may even benefit from having a parent that won't judge them for their thoughts and will help them act in a way they value instead of paying attention to their thoughts :)

Vins, I'll be sure to let you know any possible solution! I'm from Brazil by the way. And you?

Omg ....I can discuss this for hours ...I have been worrying about this so much ! ...Initially, I felt that I should get married to a woman who doesn't have OCD or anxiety so that she is calmer and does not over-think and can balance out us together but then , I would worry that she may never understand my OCD issue etc and there are so many possibilities to think about here ! I so want to conclude this ......In case of genetics, even if one parent has it, the offspring is likely to have !

Lavander ....all of us search for a compatible spouse who is compatible with us in many areas of life other than OCD ...So, I met this woman with OCD but she was not compatible in any other aspect of life and so, marrying her only for her OCD won't be perhaps the correct thing to do ...so, we first have to find someone compatible with us in important aspects of life and then, that person should have OCD as well BUT to find someone like this becomes extremely difficult or maybe we may never find !

Is it possible to be happily married with someone who doesn't have OCD but tries to accept ours and is compatible with us in other walks of life ? But finding such a person who accepts our OCD would also be perhaps difficult !

I agree with you. I also don't think that it's appropriate to search for a partner based on OCD. It just feels off. Of course it wouldn't be bad if the person had it. It's hard to deal with OCD, so I guess both parties would have to have a lot of patience and be very careful to avoid common mistakes such as reassurance. After dealing with that, it can actually be a common ground, and something to eventually laugh about. OCD has made me very worried about this subject. One of my biggest secondary fears is that I'll never fall in love and have the family I've always wanted. I guess this is just about waiting, which is terrible for us who suffer so much thinking about the future.

I hate OCD for this.....Anyway, do let me know if you come across a solution for this ! Even I am trying to find one .....Btw, where are you from ?

I am sure every single OCD sufferer is going to or is facing this problem !

Perfect Squidgery !

But before the children , comes the point of finding the right partner ! What are your thoughts on that ?

India ....I just feel I waste time in going out on dates with regular women bcos eventually, I am scared of going ahead bcos I feel that she would judge my OCD ! So, I am looking for a solution ... Thanks !

Thanks for these long replies and opening up about your personal lives Squidgery and slh ...it's heart touching ! Squidgery, that's an amazing reply and I have thought about all this as well but this is a theoretical solution bcos practically, in today's era, finding a person who is compatible in many ways is a task and then, bcos of our OCD, the extra need for that partner to be more empathetic makes it even tougher ! As I said in my earlier messages, searching such a person seems very difficult ....but maybe then, the only thing in our hands now is to accept the fact that bcos of our OCD, we will have to go out with a torch to find that extra empathetic person who is also compatible and if we don't find one then accept that OCD had always reduced our chances ! ...After all OCD is a disorder and is going to have some collateral damage ...I am just pessimistic in this area ..Sorry ! (Even if we land up finding a compatible OCD sufferer then what are the chances of that person being at same stage of recovery as ours as you have given the example of a recovering alcoholic ...I had personally experienced earlier that a compatible OCD sufferer should have equal amounts of understanding about OCD and insight just as the partner or the two might cause a relapse to each other ..so, now we are talking about not only finding a compatible OCD sufferer but also at same stages of recovery, insight and understanding ..the chances are so low ! )

Where are you from Squidgery ?

Thanks Mia123 !

Well said Squidgery ! Maybe my city is running short of these wonderful people now ...haha..or maybe I need to dig in and see if I have overlooked those wonderful people or why haven't I come across many ...but nice to hear from you ! Thanks :)

I think that I am now going to also land up analysing if I have been empathetic enough towards others or not ...lol ...damn OCD

If my wife had this, and she started telling me about how she was feeling, I'd start worrying about me too! Lol