I feel like the fact that my gf has gone much further with other guys makes me feel like our moments of physical intimacy (we haven’t had sex) aren’t special. I will feel they are really special and then I get graphic thoughts of her having sex with past sexual partners and have thoughts saying “you think this is special? some other guy she doesn’t even care about did way more with her.” i just feel humiliated when these thoughts show up. They take away everything special about moments that should feel precious to me and just leave me disengaged and alienated.

Thank you

I know that I am special to her. I guess this somehow doesn’t solve things for me. I am special to her, she is special to me, but our physicality isn’t special (not to OCD) for some reason. I don’t know why. I just wish I could feel good with her again. I want OCD to give back all the moments that it stole.

@CaptainKierkegaard Also, I haven’t had a past as such. I’m a virgin. That’s one of the hardest parts. The decision to have sex with another person- to share that with someone else- is huge to me.

I struggle with knowing when to tell her. If I am uncertain about whether I should tell her, I just ruminate more, so my rule is just not to talk about it anymore. Especially after having been a compulsive confessor. I also just feel bad bringing it up to her. I know she actually regrets a lot of it because of her religious beliefs and I don’t want to make her feel more guilt about it. I want her to feel like she can have a blank slate. It just hurts that other men who really didn’t love her have experienced one of the most intimate of human acts with her and I haven’t. It makes me feel like nothing I can have with her, even sex, has any meaning. Even if I can manage to logically think through these things and determine that it really is special… the feeling that it is leaves when I have the thought and I struggle to recover it. I am really sorry to hear about your disease. I know how the fear that you won’t be able to measure up sexually feels and it really really sucks.

@CaptainKierkegaard Thank you! I wasn't talking about confessing your doubts! (I have rocd, and I used to confess a lot too). I was talking about a good and constructive talk on the importance that you want to gave to intimacy, on what it means to you, and what do you like frome your girl!! (Not your doubts!). That is important; because if you don't communicate that with her, maby she will misunderstand your intention, and think that maby you don't like her or you don't want it! (I had touch anxiety, and my first bf tought it was personal, that I didn't want him, you don't know the relief in his eyes when I explained it to him!) I'm a girl, I had one important ex and my bf. I have some experience, and I can tell you. Sex (in the big picture, so not only the penetrative one) isn't that big deal.. It's funny and I enjoy it yes. It is also an important part of a relationship. But for me, I prefer 100% hug my bf and feel him really close to me! Really, sex isn't "the most intimate of human act", is just... sex! I think that you are idealising it a little too much. That is a really bad thing, because you will create standards for yourself (and your feelings) that you will never be able to surpass!! Take this example: I used to believe in "the right one for you". So I started to believe and imagine that there will be a guy out there PERFECT for me. That means that with him I would ALWAYS feel wanted, I would ALWAYS feel love and passion and sparkle for him, we will never fight etc. That was what I thought being in a relationship with the perfect one should be. I was idealizing it. And that was (and is) really bad for me, because when I was searching for a bf, and even now that I have one or with my ex, every time I feel a little down, a little bored; I took it as "he can't be the one". It happens even for stupid things uh: if he blow his nose too "strong", I hear it and i feel disgusted= not the one. If we have different preference in ice cream flavours, I feel contrariated= he can't be the one, and so on and on!! And than I have to struggle with my own mind because I love him, and I want to stay with him, but If he isn't the one... I couldn't! And that feeds my ocd; this also made me fall in depression! :) What I learned is that there isn't "the one" for me. It is unreasonable pretending someone to be perfect, to always be happy and in an always happy relationship etc. And I understand it with experience and a lot of therapy 😂 But I think that for you is the same! You idealised intimacy, you think that It should make you feel always like if you are flying to heaven, it should give you always the super happiness and the sparkle, it should feel like The best thing on heart! But it doesn't! Sometimes is really good, but sometimes can be boring, annoying, frustrating... like every thing else! But because you have "idealised standards for feelings", all the "feelings under thoose standards" will make you feel as if "you aren't enough, there is something wrong, you aren't able to, etc!!! Nothing is always perfect, and it would be unrealistic for you to pretend it! The problem is the idealisation! It should be that you are happy when thoose super sparkling and happy feelings came by themselves, and feeling normal when they doesn't!! Not feelings like it's normal when they come, and worried when they aren't there!!!

@Saraa Thank you for this...I needed to hear this

@Sparker1289 Your welcome! :)

Everyone is free to believe whatever he wants! More skills doesn't equal treat it casually anyway... it is just we like being intimate, feeling connected, sometimes we just want some passion... so we do it a lot! But is not THAT super intimate thing, it is sex! And we do it if we want it! Anyway! I hope you find your path, and your happiness with your girl!!