have been in a committed long distance relationship for 6 years. At the 1.5 year mark when I was 16 and my boyfriend was 17. A girls friend came forward and told me that her friend slept with my boyfriend. At the time he lived with other billet brothers as well in a very small town The girl had no text messages the only thing she knew was what his bedroom looked like and parts of the house.. As well her friend sent me a screen shot of a text the girl sent her saying that she banged my boyfriend don’t tell anyone 3 days after the date she gave me. and 5 days before she told me my boyfriend posted a picture of us and someone put her username on the post and was liked by her friends. I knew they were friends and snap chatted each other. She didn’t apologize and she told me she was cheated on in the past… she made herself look really good. She gave me a specific time frame she said she went to his place at 6:00 pm and left at 8:30. At the time I was petrified of him cheating on me so I constantly obsessed and watched his location. So I remember that night and I had texts that we had at around 7:00. I found pictures that proved he was not home until 8:00 and his billet parents talked to me going through calendars saying that she believed they watched a movie that night which is what my boyfriend told me they did that night. I also talked to someone who had a kid at the same event as my boyfriend and told me the time frame his team was there till. I remembered all the info because I was already petrified. I have talked to my mom ( who was cheated on by my dad and destroyed my family) and she doesn’t believe it. I told 2 of my best friends and they say it didn’t happen. Now even with all this information the OCD won’t let me move on… bottom line is I believe my boyfriend and as well all the information that I have found backs up his story but there’s always the “what if” for about 3 years I was handling it well until covid and I had to isolate for 2 weeks. My OCD tells me that 1. my boyfriends a cheater… 2. that I am a weak person… 3: that my relationship isn’t whole… 4. that I am stupid… 5. that because this girl said this it has to be true… 6. that ur always supposed to believe the girl… it shows me images of them having sex in my head… 7. It tells me what I remember is false… ( which makes me go in loops of reassuring myself and asking others) 8. that his billet parents are lying for him (even though I had a close relationship with them both),… 9. that some how it must have happened 10. i get this pit drop in my stomach, 11. heart palpitations when it got really bad 12. And some times it’s just a feeling that I know it’s there 13. other times it makes me hate my boyfriend 14. when it comes I start to avoid my boyfriend and he notices…, 15. triggers include hockey rinks, when I meet someone that was from close to where he played hockey my OCD says what if they know something you don’t. Seeing teammates that were on that team with him. Hearing the name of the town. I have immense regret on how I handled the situation I go over what I would do differently etc, for ex. I never confronted her when it happened about about what I found because I felt like I didn’t need to and I always regretted not confronting her so my OCD got so bad that I did confront her 4 years later I thought maybe this girl would confess to lying years later now that she is older… just last month I dm’d her and I told her my proof and she pretty much told me what’s her motive ( even though she told me she was in love with him)… that she doesn’t care about my so called proof and that he cheated on me and I decided to stay… She was so bloody mean. Now this is like an extra ammo for OCD because now there is someone a real person saying that my OCD is right. I have talked to my boyfriend and he has talked to other teammates that he plays with now about it because he doesn’t know what to do. I am beyond stuck. I don’t want to leave this relationship because it is so good and I love him so much but I don’t know how much longer I can do this. You guys might be asking why I have stayed if I could leave tomorrow and this could all be gone… it’s because if I leave my OCD wins and it will just move onto something else. I’m just so tired of fighting the battle in my mind I don’t want to do it anymore. I have looked into ERP therapy but I don’t know how it will help me when my OCD is based off of a real life event that I wasn’t there for. Being cheated on is my worst fear in life because of my parents, I believe they are the worst type of people, and that’s why if he did this to me I’m with a horrible person and that’s why it has so much power…

I feel awful that I keep coming on here whenever I’m down bad but oh my gosh OCD is the most painful shit that I have EVER experienced in my life and I have a physical chronic illness…. I hate to say it but I hate living right now it’s too painful… im crying as I type to the point where my stomach is hurting, I have pretty severe ocd I do have generalized anxiety and idk if that is connected with ocd but because of that I have most of the subtypes REAL EVENT OCD,POCD,ZOCD,ROCD,SOCD HARM OCD, you name it and I got it!!! a lot of also why I have have those theme is trauma growing up and involving those things^ as of right now i’m 25 and a women with the most loving boyfriend in the entire world before my ocd hit me I NEVER questioned my love and care and attraction with the love of my life I always knew I was going to marry and be with this person the rest of my life! Now with ocd it confuses me soooo much and now I think I’m gay and didn’t realize or indenial and listen I get it “don’t look for reassurance!” “It’s not the thing ocd is attacking that is the problem ocd is the actual problem!” Here’s the thing with that if I’m in a relationship and I’m gay that would mean I would have to leave that said relationship and to say that “oh yeah that stuff happens and you’ll move on” is absolutely devastating to me this is THE LOVE OF MY LIFE and your telling me that iv been lying to myself this whole time or that I didn’t realize?!?!? And that sexuality can change (even though some say it can’t google says otherwise and some people have said it can’t idek anymore) and all this other BULLSHIT I can’t take it WHY?!?! why does this have to happen why can’t I just be with my love the rest of my life?!? and yes before anyone says anything I have been attracted to girls more so when I was younger watching lesbian porn liking the body’s and fantazing them sexually it stopped when I got older but I still don’t get disgusted with women who are pretty it just makes me uncomfortable because I’m with the love of my life and before I remember talking to my partner and discussing certain childhood things I experienced and we discussed that we both could be a little bi and for certain I’m (demi sexual so I don’t even really care about looks) and I truly didn’t care!! NOW I do care even with being bi because again I don’t like thinking about anyone else but my partner but I do also know my parents are homophobic and I do think about if I am gay they wouldn’t be okay with that and I also dont want to deal with that so now I sound like in indenial right?!???? I didn’t even care about labels before my ocd it just didn’t matter but now it’s effected my sex life and it’s hard for me to enjoy sex with being so confused I’m so confused I googled everything can you still have sexual fantasies with same gender but still be straight? Can you fantasize about same gender or imagine marrying them all of it !!! And non of that disgusts me it just makes me uncomfortable AGIAN only bc I just love the partner I’m with right now!!! I’m so fucking confused do I have to leave my partner and accept that I’m gay is that going to happen in the future if I get better with ocd and find out it’s been true all along?!???

Hi, I’m new here!! I’m praying I don’t get judged for this. But, back in late May of 2022 ( literally right before I graduated high school), I added this one random girl from my school on Snapchat. She posted something about a graduation party , so I swiped up on her story basically saying how I can’t believe we’re almost graduated. She replied and we had a really short and simple conversation. The next day ( i believe) , we started talking a lot , and I just so happened to see her at the highschool when we were grabbing our graduation outfits and doing the rehearsal. When I saw her irl, I kinda got turned off ( I heard she was kinda crazy) , and on top of that , she was a little ugly irl. I remember seeing her Snapchat bio , and she was close friends with my female cousin ( a year younger than me) , who I happened to experiment sexually with when I was 10-11 years old. I remember going to work later that day and having sort of a lightbulb flick thought ( it wasn’t a good thought though) , what if my cousin told her about what happened when we were younger? So I started to kind of panic and immediately distanced myself from that girl. I also experimented sexually with one of my female friends when I was 10-11 , and from that day onwards, I’ve been pretty much living in paranoia and a little bit of guilt about someone finding out and my life being ruined . On top of that, It’s gotten worse to now sometimes I wonder if a girl I added off of quick add ( Snapchat) is underage even if they told me they were 18+ or had 18 and above in their bio, and I get so much guilt and anxiety about that. I even had a quick thought last February on what if I did something inappropriate with my younger cousin when I was 15-16 but I just can’t exactly remember when it happened , and it still eats me alive when I think about it, because I don’t know if it happened or not. I’m sorry for the long vent, I just wish I felt normal again. No matter how much I try to do things that old me used to do, life always feels “ off”. I always kept the top part about when I was younger a secret up until early (ish ) 2024, then I vented to one of my best friends and he told me that that’s a normal thing to do at a young age. Since then, I have told multiple friends and they all say they did similar stuff, but my brain just can’t accept that. Please help me, I quite literally overthink everything nowadays. 2021 was the last full year that I felt normal ( coincidentally, the best year of my life so far) . It’s not just about sexual related things either, sometimes I’ll wonder if I messed up something at work or hit a car while driving/hit someone and drove off. I just wanna live my life how I was supposed to live it after highschool ( carefree and happy) before whatever it is ( I think it’s ocd) hit me unexpectedly. Thanks to anyone who read this , I just needed to pour it out regardless of how negative I felt typing this, I hope someone can relate , because I feel so alone in my head at times.

So, I know my capacity to get fixated on things. And it's normally something that's relatively remote but, my latest issue is really getting to me and I was wondering if people have any advice. I'm avoiding getting too into specifics, as I don't want this to get reassurance-y but, in essence.. I came to the realisation recently that people who I'd been "friends" (feels like the wrong term now) when I was younger were not very nice people, and normalized a lot of very unpleasant behaviour towards other members of the group. They really normalized it, sold themselves as figures of authority, as older and more responsible and grown-up than others, and looking back, they acted horribly. And coming to this realisation, that I'd been manipulated into just accepting their behaviour has just... broken me. My OCD has latched onto it and I can't stop feeling irreversibly tainted by it. I've talked to others about it, and they've reassured me, told me it's not a big deal and that I hold myself to too high a standard, but none of that sticks. I feel better for a bit, then think 'Maybe when you told them you were skewing it to make yourself look better' or 'Did you leave out a crucial detail'. I keep ruminating over and over, trying to remember exactly how everything played out, trying to figure out if I fed into the behaviour, if I did something bad myself (because y'know, I feel like I was accepting of it at the time, so what does it say about my own values?). I know I need to stop doing all this if I want to improve, but then some part of me keeps saying 'So, you're just going to let yourself off the hook then?' Normally, I can rationalize my own fears to some degree, assure myself something won't happen, but the realness of the situation, and the fact I only came to understand the reality of it because the thought had been bothering me means it feels so much more all-encompassing. I know confessing in itself is a compulsion, but I keep feeling that if I'm not I'm somehow concealing what I 'really am' from others around me, and any positive interactions are me deceiving them in some way. I feel like I can't enjoy anything in life right now, and a good part of me feels I should not enjoy it ever again. If anybody has any advice on it, I'm all ears. Or even hearing if you relate to these feelings, I might appreciate the solidarity at least.