Thread
graciepops17
17d ago
  • Sexual Orientation OCD

All ocd is horrible to go through but there’s something about hocd that’s really difficult. It feels like your lying to yourself when u know your not. I know I’m straight because when I don’t have these intrusive thoughts I feel myself again. Does anyone else with hocd like panic if they see like another woman in say like lingerie or something on say Instagram ? Sounds stupid but I’ll see a girl like that on Instagram and it’s like a part of my brain that I don’t want saying you are attracted to that you want a woman you are gay. I know it’s ocd but then does anyone else have moments were they panic and just think shall I just give up maybe I’m just in denial? But then if I say okay I’m by that’s fine I just feel like I’m lying to myself cause I know I’m not. It’s like you can’t win. If I see like a woman’s chest like I can appreciate that boobs are pretty which I do think they are but I’m not attracted to them the same way I am with male body parts if you get me. But it’s like a part of your brain that’s convincing you you do. Like I’m scared

linds💕
17d ago
I relate sooooooo much omgggg. I like know I’m straight, but OCD convinces me that I’m not? It twists everything. every time I see a female I get anxiety, or intrusive thoughts. Whenever I see a woman in lingerie my mind tells me that I want that. I appreciate womens bodies, I think they’re beautiful. And OCD latches onto that!!! It’s never satisfied, when I feel okay there’s always something else that pops up. It’s really difficult and confusing because sometimes it feels so incredibly real. I get it, it’s scary and so confusing and hard.
graciepops17
17d ago
Yes same!!! Like my family and boyfriend know about my ocd but I just say to them I’m straight I know I am, this isn’t me going through an identity/ sexuality crisis and realising I’m gay because honestly at this point I think it would be easier if I was. But if I was gay I wouldn’t be constantly battling my thoughts and I would just know. Do you get me? Like I know I’m straight I know myself enough to know and it’s like ocd just kinda takes everything you valued away from you. It’s horrible I’m sorry you are going through this too. Yess!! It latches on and when I just say okay maybe I am whatever I don’t care then it comes back again and the anxiety does because sometimes I think it’s real.
cf05
17d ago
I can relate to both of these so much. The feelings of attraction make everything so much worse because it feels impossible to separate them from reality. I have been having a brutal past couple of days with these thoughts and am ready to just give up and accept the fact that I am gay but at the same time the thought of doing that makes me absolutely sick. I want my old life back and don’t want anything to change. I want a husband and I want kids but even by typing that my mind is still telling me I’m faking it. Wouldn’t the idea of coming out and accepting being gay be something exciting if it were true? Why would my true desires be something that would make me so entirely miserable and unhappy? I know I did not always think like this but the amount of time I’ve spent ruminating is making it difficult for me to even remember a time where I didn’t think this way, which is only making the thoughts seem more real and less like OCD. I cannot keep living like this these thoughts make me want to die just so I can finally have some relief.
linds💕
17d ago
I get that so much. Sometimes I feel the only escape is to not be here any more, although I know that’s something I don’t want to do. I’ve always wanted a husband and kids, always, and I COMPLETELY get your mind telling you that that is a lie. Whenever I imagine those sort of things I get intrusive thoughts of my future being with a woman, even though that’s something I don’t desire and never have. It is very difficult, I understand your struggle. Sending you lots of love, god bless❤️💕
cf05
17d ago
@linds💕 I appreciate it so much, thank you. Do you have any suggestions on how to remind myself that this is not what I want when the thoughts are so overpowering and graphic?
linds💕
17d ago
@cf05 Well, I’m still learning how to deal with those too. What I’m trying to do is let the thoughts just be there, and the feelings, and not try to figure them out. Also saying “maybe, maybe not” helps but it also causes me to check how I’m feeling
graciepops17
17d ago
Oh my gosh I relate to everything you have just said. It’s brutal and all I ever think is I want my life back were I didn’t have thoughts what if I’m gay all the time when I’m sitting with my boyfriend who I love more than anything in the world. Same I always think let’s just accept I’m gay but same it makes me feel ill because I know it’s not me. Does that makes sense? Ocd is so difficult cause it tries to fool us all, I get what you mean cause the thoughts are always there we just kinda start believing them. Like I can’t really remember well I can rneber what I was like before this but when I think about me before all this it makes me sad cause I miss being ‘normal’ so much. I completely get you, after a month of the thoughts I tried to kms I do regret it cause it caused my family and boyfriend so much pain. it just felt so so so real to the point I felt like I was gonna vomit every second. It’s got better though this was a month ago, it still feels very real and the thoughts are still there but I feel like I had a day were I just realised that none of it’s true. MO MATTER HOW MUCH THE THOUGHTS ARE THERE ITS NOT TRUE, even when it feels like it is. Honestly ocd is soul destroying but we can do this.
graciepops17
17d ago
@linds💕 I get that too, images of me being say like married to a woman or something like that. It makes me upset. Because I know that’s not what I want. I really hope we can all heal from this and try to realise that ocd is just a bully x
cf05
17d ago
@linds💕 Do you ever worry that because you have these thoughts, you will never be fully happy with a man? Like my thoughts are so strong lately that I feel like I actually desire being with women and will never be happy unless I’m with a woman even though I want to be with a man at my core. It’s so hard to not feel like I’m faking it when my recent feelings reflect those of someone who is actually gay and just having a sexuality/identity crisis.
Oljjjjj
17d ago
Hi guys, I’m a 22 year old bloke and began suffering with sexual orientation related OCD a few months ago - my first experience with OCD. I just want to remind you all that this WILL get better. I remember having intense, disturbing intrusive thoughts that felt so powerful and threatening, having never questioned my sexuality before in my life. I can relate to a lot of what you’re all experiencing - watching TV with gay characters would terrify me and Instagram used to trigger all kinds of distressing thoughts, amongst many other triggers. The anxiety it would bring about was unbearable and I was almost convinced it would never end/alter who I am as an individual. Thankfully I’m in a much better place now, and I know you’ll all improve over time too. The key for me is unequivocal acceptance. Allow these thoughts to be here, they’re quite literally only thoughts, and do NOT reflect on you as an individual. They feel so threatening because they directly oppose what you believe in/your preferences, hence the anxiety and the need for comparisons and reassurance. The more you struggle with these thoughts, the more they’ll return + the greater anxiety you’ll feel. So if you can, just do your very best to allow the thoughts to come and go, without creating narratives or doubting yourself. I’d strongly recommend starting a regular meditation/mindfulness practice, where you can learn to simply ‘observe’ your thoughts for what they are. They have no real power over you and won’t dictate your preferences. SSRI meditation can also be really useful too. Best of luck to you all, you’ll get through this!
linds💕
17d ago
Thank you for sharing!!:) I take Prozac and it seems to be really helpful thankfully. I love hearing success stories, it gives me so much hope. I really want to practice meditation!! My therapist encourages me to:)
Oljjjjj
17d ago
@linds💕 I’m glad to hear that Prozac is proving useful for you ! If you want to get in to meditation, I’d highly recommend an app called ‘insight timer’. Thousands of fantastic free meditation/mindfulness practices there
cf05
17d ago
@Oljjjjj If you don’t mind me asking, have your thoughts ever felt more real than what your core values are? Like I know I’m straight and want to bre straight but everything in my mind and body is telling me that I have always been gay and will never be able to change it and that I am just now coming to terms with it. However, these thoughts have been making me sick to my stomach because I do not at all want that for myself and am repulsed by the fact that I have felt attraction to females. My mind is telling me to just come out and embrace the thoughts like other gay people do, but I physically could not live with myself if that is the life I’m meant to live. These thoughts just don’t feel like they will ever go away and the more I have them, the more I feel that they are real and that I’m just “in the closet.” I can’t do this
Oljjjjj
17d ago
@cf05 For a period of time, yeah I’d say that it did feel more real than what I identified with. It was just constant questioning, doubt and comparisons. Exactly like you, I knew I was straight (as prior to this I’d never even considered being gay) but that doesn’t matter to OCD - it preys on the slimmest uncertainty. I obviously don’t know your full situation, but based off what you’ve said, I’m very confident you’re straight. The fact you feel so strongly agansit being gay is evidence alone - you wouldn’t resist/obsess over it to this degree if you really were that way inclined. I’ve been in your position and I promise it does gets better. OCD really is a terrible bully and will have you believe you’re something that you’re simply not. Like I said in my previous post, really do your best to accept the thought as just that, a thought. Perhaps label it in your brain as ‘intrusive thought’ or ‘OCD thought’, then let it be there (without following the thought down a rabbit hole), experience the anxiety/negative feelings, but then try to leave it at that. Like you say, the more you try to argue/reason with it, the stronger and more persuasive it seems to be, so do your best to let them be. I hope that helps you slightly and remember, things do get better. I’m proof of that.
cf05
17d ago
@Oljjjjj Thank you so much. I guess my biggest problem right now is feeling like I really do want to be attracted to women, even though I know that it would change my life for the worst. I feel like I am faking everything in my life and it honestly feels like the only thing that will fix that is coming out—even though, like I’ve said numerous times, I do not want to be gay. One part of my brain has no desire to actual have physical relations with women, but the other part of me tells me that I do and that, if I did experiment (which I never plan to do), that I would like it. I just don’t know what to do anymore because I feel like I am different because I have had these thoughts on and off since I was younger and they used to be a major source of worry for me as well. I fear that I do not have OCD like the others on this app and that I actually want to act on my thoughts because my body and mind are responding to triggers in a way that “proves” I am lesbian. I think the fact that I have triggers says in itself that this is OCD, but it feels like I like the images/videos or whatever I see that triggers me, which is so confusing. I feel like I make myself look at triggers when I see them because it brings me pleasure, but I do desparately do not want to be gay. I guess I wonder if gay people get excited about being with people of the same sex, because even though I’m having graphic images that I feel like my body finds pleasure in, I still am terrified and sick to my stomach over the possibility of being gay. I just have so much to prove that these thoughts must be true that I feel like I cannot use OCD as an excuse.
graciepops17
17d ago
@Oljjjjj Thankyou so much for all your comments on this thread, you have really inspired me to really try get better and made me realise that it’s not gonna be like this forever. Thankyou you’re amazing
graciepops17
17d ago
@cf05 I really resonate with everything you have just said and I promise you no matter how real it feels it’s not. You know yourself it’s not cause it’s not you. Even if you think it’s attraction if it was our Brains wouldn’t make us anxious over something as simple at attraction.
Oljjjjj
17d ago
@graciepops17 Appreciate your kind words Grace - we’re all in this together
Oljjjjj
17d ago
@cf05 It does become really difficult to decipher between ‘my thoughts’ and ‘OCD thoughts’, especially when you’ve been struggling as long as you seem to have been. I completely agree with you though, it certainly seems like OCD is the issue. I can resonate with a lot of what you’re going through though - and I’m sure there are many others who are confused to the same degree, you just have to trust me when I tell you that OCD is the issue, not you, or your preferences. You evidently feel strongly against being gay - that means you’re not that. Any feelings of worry, doubt, confusion or even urges is OCD at work and doesn’t reflect on your character or sexuality. You can get over this. I’m confident in that
linds💕
17d ago
@cf05 I resonate too, I get that so much. 💕💕